Glad To See Absolutely Nothing Has Changed……

Fine, so I mustered up the energy (not enthusiasm) to update my match.com profile so it would send me to the top of the shitpile of single women in my town and all the losers single men in my area would be struck dumb by my stunning beauty and sparkling personality.  Okay, to be honest, they’re pretty dumb on their own so they didn’t need my enthusiasm.

After summarily deleting multiple winks and e mails from random tool bags (and their grandfathers), I came across a semi decent one. Could have been a form message, but he was 6’3″ and didn’t make me want to stab myself when I looked at his pictures, so I responded.

As I can’t possibly put into words how fucking amazingly astonished I was to see him go from ‘possible’ to ‘ugh’, I’ll just post our witty message exchange for your reading displeasure.

Him: 

I love your profile.   Looking to find the right person.  I have recently moved here from Atlanta and am having a house built.  If you are up for some drinks and hanging out later let me know.

(yes, I must be fairly desperate for male companionship to think that this ice cold message with no signature or anything of interest included might be worth actually showering for)

Me:

 Hello,

Thanks for the e-mail.  You neglected to tell me your name though and as I can’t pronounce ‘*****’, I’m hoping that’s not it.

I liked your profile and your list of what you’re looking for in a woman.  I’ve got most of them pretty much covered.  Right down to the ‘must like watching sports or at least act like it’ part.

Drinks sound great.  I much prefer meeting face to face and having a conversation over messaging back and forth forever…….. just sayin’.  Welcome to Arizona!

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Him: 

When

We’re meeting tomorrow at 7.  No, not really.  I may be desperate for male companionship, but with witty banter like that, I’d rather stay home and talk to my dogs.