Just to add some fun to my TD plight, he text messaged me a picture last night.  Of Michael Bubble’!  TD is in CA for work and ended up in the same bar as him!  I forgot for a minute that I’m supposed to not be talking to him/trying to be mad at him/cursing his name and instead turned into a giddy schoolgirl.  Awesome.  To muddy things even more, his son text messaged me with some girl problems yesterday and we went back and forth for the good part of an hour.  Pretty cool that his son would think to ask me.  I guess being as he likes a girl who doesn’t necessarily like him back as much, he figured I’d be the expert on such scenarios. As we were texting, I inquired as to how my very custom created Simms character was doing.  After all, he was nice enough to create me and have me marry his dad.  *sigh*  Unfortunately I was informed that I passed away during childbirth and when I inquired if they at least sprung for a nice funeral for me instead of burying me in the backyard next to the guinea pig, I was told that ‘he just left me at the hospital for them to deal with the body’.  Uhm, ouch.

Anyway, back to the reason for the stilted and headache inducing post.  I have a date on Saturday night.  With the 6’4″ 51 year old.  Yey?  He seems nice enough and actually planned a real date.  To a comedy club.  Bonus points there.  He also wanted to know if I wanted to do dinner before or after the show and I’m trying to politely decline that option.  We all know how I feel about dinner dates.  I guess I should actually look at his pics again and read his profile.  I’m a giver like that.  It is nice of him though to have TD’s same 1st name.  At least I won’t get busted for calling him **** by mistake.  However, I am dreading putting his number in my phone as each time I see a text or a call from ****, I’m going to hope/wish it was from the other one.

Damn this sucks.  I’d usually whine to my best friend about such things………..oh, wait …….

Lemon Zinger:  SOOOOOO not my type, but made me laugh and wrote amazing e-mails.  Had an awesome time in person when we met.  He ‘really’ liked me and I really liked him.  Then he turned into a flake.  I turned into a neurotic idiot and that was that.  All of about 3 weeks, 3 dates and 1 dear Grey Goose letter later.

Paul: Such a nice guy.  So unsure of what he was doing as he was just coming off of a 12 year marriage.  Had fun.  Actually took him to a family function and he survived meeting the family.  He was very slow with the physical contact but ended our 3rd and (unbeknownst to me) final date with a really awesome kiss.  To be followed by yet another Dear Grey Goose Letter in the morning.  Anyone else seeing a trend here?  I converted him to a friend (this one actually was a friend), but haven’t spoken to him since before the holidays.  Oh well.

Webster:  Ahhhh, my favorite project boy.  7 months separated, 7 months sober, 7 months without kissing anyone.  Had a penchant for using really long and pretentious words in the wrong context.  Best kisser …….. EVER.  Actually made me dinner.  We had a pretty amazing chemistry thing going.  So amazing that I didn’t take note of what a dick he was being.  I think he made it to date #5 or 6 (don’t laugh, that was a record for me up until that point).  Ended up getting a Dear Grey Goose letter from him too.  A full month after he seemingly fell off the face of the earth.  Awesome.

TD:  yeah, whatever, read back over the past 7 months and he’s all over the place.  Still don’t know how to categorize him.  The one that referred to us as ‘friends’ but then tells me the other day that he considered us ‘dating’.  What?  I don’t ‘date’ guys without kissing them.  Duh.  Everyone knows that.  Woulda been nice to know he thought we were dating so I could have actually acted like a date instead of trying to play by his ever changing friendship rules.  I got to send the Dear TD letter on this one.  About 3 different times.  Shoulda named him ‘Mixed Signals’ for blogging purposes.

So anyway, what does everyone think I should do about my membership?  Extend for a month?  Extend for 3 months?  Extend for 6 months and start saving for my funeral as I will absolutely kill myself if I am the recipient of the 6 month loser clause membership for the 3rd year in a row.

Oh, and I do believe I have a date with the 6’4″ guy this weekend.  Can you see me jumping for joy?  Yeah, that’s ’cause I’m not.

Before I get to them, I have to admit that I broke down and called TD tonight.  I fully intended not to, but he text messaged me about a mutual business thing that we were going to do and offering to back out of it as he assumed I couldn’t work with him.  I know I shouldn’t have and I hope I don’t again, but I needed to hear that he was okay and that he missed me.  No, I’m not lame enough to actually ask him, but he openly told me that he did.  Which is lame in its own right as he’s the one who caused this.  Just to prove that I’m a glutton for punishment, every time I’m on match I covertly check to see if he’s online.  Which he is…….a lot.  At least my stomach has stopped dropping when I see this though, so that’s progress, right?  I asked him if he had contacted anyone yet and he admitted to sending out a couple of winks but that he’s terrified of actually meeting people.  He said he had run 1 search, but that when 324 women came up, he got overwhelmed and went to watch a movie with his daughter instead.  Uhm, narrow your search maybe?  He admitted that when we originally met, he had to take an anxiety pill beforehand as well as a pre-happy hour cocktail in order to even be able to show up.  The man is that unsure of himself.  So sad as he’s pretty terrific (yes, even after all this, I think so).  We ended up talking for almost 2 hours and I know he misses me.  I know he wants to call and text and whatever but won’t.  He will only follow my lead on this.  Too bad I have no clue what I’m doing.  Sucks that we’re each other’s best friends as it’s kind of a double whammy.  Anyway, he choked up a couple of times and I did a couple of dozen times, but in the end I said goodbye.  And  as I’m apparently ridiculously selfless (or is it selfish?), I encouraged him to actually contact some women and set up dates.  After all, isn’t that the point?  For him to comparison shop?  For him to see if he can find anyone better for him than I am?  He can’t, btw.  Really though, if he doesn’t actually date, then how is he ever going to figure out that I am the right one for him and isn’t this whole thing all for naught otherwise?  Yeah, I actually said that to him.  I’m a peach….. A delusional one, but still…..

So back to my match.com guys.  One actually lives all of about 3 blocks from me so I refuse to tell him where I live as that sort of freaks me out.  He seems somewhat boring and lame and has a gap in his 2 front teeth that should we ever actually meet, will cause me to look at either some spot on his forehead or the wall behind where he sits in order to avoid staring at it.  I have asked him absolutely nothing of a personal nature as that’s how little I care and he doesn’t seem to notice.  Funny how tall and blonde can make up for boring and disinterested.  I’m sure I’ll end up meeting him at some point because a) I need distractions b) he’s 6’2″ and c) I’m a bitch like that.

Bachelor #2 is a bit of a quandary as well and has me a little freaked out.  He’s 51, which is not thrilling news to me, but has the same 1st name as TD and is in the same profession.  Funny that when he initially contacted me, it came from a different screen name that was not only TD’s 1st name, but also the 1st initial of his last name.  Yup, when I saw just the ‘from’ information I had hoped it was from TD.  Anywhoo, this guy seems funny and nice and is very complimentary.  And again has opted to look past my boring and disinterested messages to him.  As he’s 6’4″ though, I may meet him for the sole opportunity to wear my new 5″ wedges.  Duh, we all know I suck already, so stop acting surprised.

.

(damn, this whole thing has turned me into a shitty writer to boot ……….sorry ’bout that)

In other related news, after my 3rd trip to bed yesterday (way to waste a gorgeous holiday monday), I got a text from my friend inviting me to a basketball game.  Thank god!  Something to do!  Better yet, something to do that involved free food and alcohol! 

In an attempt to occupy my time and actually be productive with all the free time I will now have instead of always being with and at TD’s, I have made a grooming appointment for one of my doggies that is long past due and have made an appointment for a tattoo that I have wanted to get forever, but have been putting that off as well.  My last tattoo was of a key.  A key in order to remind me what it is that’s important in life.  A key to what I’m looking for.  A key that signifies so many different thing on any given day.  As TD has sort of fucked up my grand plan for a happy life with him (dumbass) , I am finally going to finish off my tattoo.  With 3 little words circling my key.  3 words that really say it all.  “Live, Love, Laugh”.  Now I just have decide on a font and placement.

I’ve also been putting off Red Onesie who wants to meet me again, so need to set something up with that douchebag (oy, great attitude, I know) and Finger Foods as he’s been trying to do lunch with me for weeks.  I figure I’ll give myself the rest of this week to be a sorry loser, and then pull my head out sometime over the weekend.  Sounds good on paper, right?  I’m giving 3:1 odds …………

I almost had myself convinced, yes again, that I could do this.  I could stick it out and play the friend role while he searched elsewhere.  I knew I would always take 1st priority for him, so what could be so hard about that?  Well, as we all know, my life doesn’t work like a rom-com.  We were in bed two nights ago at his place and we’re both very touchy feely people.  All of a sudden he pulls away and I jokingly (not really) called him a tease.  He responded that he knew he was, he didn’t mean to be, and that he was sorry but………… and then the whole ‘can’t commit’ discussion came up again and I do believe I finally get it.  It’s not that he can’t commit, it’s that he can’t commit to me.  He doesn’t think his feelings for me are strong enough.  He doesn’t know if it’s the circumstances, his fear of committing in general, or if it is, in fact, just me. 

I told him I could not do this any more.  That it was too hard for me.  He understood.  He appreciates all that I have done for him.  Knows that he has really strong feelings for me, but doesn’t know if they are the ‘right’ ones.  He knows it’s not fair to me to ask me to stay.  He knows he’s been very selfish in expecting me to be there.  He knows how hard this has been for me.  In addition to losing him, the man who I want to be with as well as the man who is my best friend, I’ve just walked away from his kids.  15 and 16 respectively and they’re awesome.  And I couldn’t tell them what was going on as it just wasn’t my place.  So I had to say goodbye to them just like I’d see them again the next day.  I couldn’t tell them that i’d miss them.  How awesome I think they are.  How much fun I have with them.  I just left.  And left them probably wondering how it could be so easy for me to just up and disappear from their lives after so long.  It’s anything but easy.  I consider them my family too.  We were all supposed to go to the trampoline park today and I wonder what they are thinking about my not being there today and what TD is telling them.  I have no doubt that he will take the fall for my going away (as he should); I just hope he let’s them know how much I really do care.

So after my casual goodbye to the kids, TD walked me to my car where it finally hit him that this was it.  That I was serious this time.  That I was leaving and not coming back.  That I was finally doing what I should have done months ago.  And it sucks.  We both cried.  A lot.  He didn’t just shed some tears, he fully broke down and cried as much as I did.  That threw me off.  And made everything that much harder.  He’s my best friend and I’m his.  I see the million wonderful qualities in him and he thinks the same about me.  There’s just something missing for him.  And I can’t fix it.  And it kills me to think he’s going to find someone else.  I waffle back and forth between hoping he finds someone amazing and hoping that he doesn’t.  That he finally figures out that I’m the one for him and comes to find me.  I don’t think that’s going to happen though.

It’s certainly been a roller coaster of 8 months.  He’s made me happier than anyone ever has but has also made me sadder.  My self confidence has taken a hit due to him.  The fact remains that I want he and his kids in my life for the next 50 years and that’s just not going to happen.  I’ve taken his number out of my phone.  I’ve updated my profile on Match (which I will be a member of for the next 12 days before it expires).  I will try my hardest to find someone who I deserve and who cherishes me.  I just don’t really see that happening though.

I’m not real sure how I’m going to do this.  I’ve tried to walk away from TD before and failed.  I can’t let that happen again.  We’ve never once had a fight.  I’m not mad at him.  I don’t hate him.  How do I handle knowing that I will most likely never see or talk to him again?  How do I just forget everything and move on?

Anyway, yesterday I not only received a message from a totally inappropriately aged idiot, but also a fairly decent looking fellow who clearly has commitment issues (yey me) AND from Red Onesie AND from FWB, who I haven’t heard from in over a year.

Now, FWB sent me a message via match.  Silly boy.  Red Onesie, however, sent me a text message.  A nice one.  Basically asking if I was still single, apologizing for being an idiot and wanting to know if I’d give him a second chance.

Huh ………… no clue what I’ll do with any of these contacts.  KInd off odd that I hear from 2 blasts from the pasts in the same day.  Maybe they’re desperate for a valentine’s date and think they’ll get luck?  Maybe they miss me?  Maybe they lost a bet?  Who knows………..for now, though, I’m off to Vegas for a couple of days to try and have some fun …….

So that, my friends, has been my day in a nutshell.  Dirty old man, dirty young man, stupid catcalling men, psycho ex.  Yey me.  And it’s only Tuesday.  I can’t wait to see what the rest of the week holds. 

It has got to be a full moon tonight ………

Thanks so much for your very wordy response.  As you still didn’t bother to tell me your name or even go to the effort of phrasing your stellar one word ‘when’ in a complete sentence in response to my agreeing to meet for a drink, I feel that you deserve an equally stellar reply, so how about ‘never’.

Yup, I’m going to be single for a looooooong time to come.

—————–

So as for those words that I hope no one ever has to hear.  Please refrain from yelling at your computer when you hear the very abbreviated back story and sending multiple ‘I told you so’, ‘You’re an idiot’, ‘You deserve it’, ‘Pull your head out of your ass’ comments.  I know.  I also know it will come as no surprise that TD came back into the picture after our craptastic spectacular New Years Eve.  We spent pretty much every day of January together.  When my brother in law was killed TD was there for me every step of the way and honestly, I don’t know how I would have made it through things without him.  Sure, I knew he had told me that he will be dating again, but I chose to pay attention to his actions instead of his words.  Huh, who knew that neither are mutually exclusive.  This time around though, he fooled not even himself and me, but everyone that saw us together.  I gave up trying to explain that we’re ‘just friends’ to everyone around us as they all would shake their head and explain why I was the one that was mistaken.  TD had even said that having had to go to yet another funeral with me has put a new perspective on things and how he really knew what was important now.  Silly me assumed that meant regarding me.  Actually it did.  In that I’m not who he wants.  At least not yet until he comparison shops around.  As that makes absolutely no sense to me, I asked him yesterday, point blank, why it was that he was so quick to discount me as an option without even ever giving us a real chance at dating?  How he was going to know when he had dated enough to know what it was that he was looking for?  How, if you’re always looking for something better, you’re never going to be happy.  Through tears, and explaining that he would in fact be comparing all of his internet dates to me, how it wouldn’t be fair for him to ask me not to date while he did, how it did bother him that I was dating others, then he uttered the most horrible phrase I’ve ever heard.  And hope to never hear again.  And yes, I should have known all along, but he runs so hot and cold and there is much more that I haven’t shared with any of you in regards to things he’s said, done, inferred, implied, whatever.  This man is terrified of commitment and making a mistake.  This man has honestly treated me better than anyone ever has in the past.  This man has made me happier than anyone else in the past.  And has made me the saddest.  Things are a bit convoluted at the moment, and although I know I’ve said it in the past, I mean it this time.  I need to let him, it and my hopes of a future with TD go.  So, what was that horrible phrase?  What did he say to me that pretty much crushed any lingering hope I might have held onto?  He simply said:

I’m just not excited by the thought of having a relationship with you

After summarily deleting multiple winks and e mails from random tool bags (and their grandfathers), I came across a semi decent one. Could have been a form message, but he was 6’3″ and didn’t make me want to stab myself when I looked at his pictures, so I responded.

As I can’t possibly put into words how fucking amazingly astonished I was to see him go from ‘possible’ to ‘ugh’, I’ll just post our witty message exchange for your reading displeasure.

Him: 

I love your profile.   Looking to find the right person.  I have recently moved here from Atlanta and am having a house built.  If you are up for some drinks and hanging out later let me know.

(yes, I must be fairly desperate for male companionship to think that this ice cold message with no signature or anything of interest included might be worth actually showering for)

Me:

 Hello,

Thanks for the e-mail.  You neglected to tell me your name though and as I can’t pronounce ‘*****’, I’m hoping that’s not it.

I liked your profile and your list of what you’re looking for in a woman.  I’ve got most of them pretty much covered.  Right down to the ‘must like watching sports or at least act like it’ part.

Drinks sound great.  I much prefer meeting face to face and having a conversation over messaging back and forth forever…….. just sayin’.  Welcome to Arizona!

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Him: 

When

We’re meeting tomorrow at 7.  No, not really.  I may be desperate for male companionship, but with witty banter like that, I’d rather stay home and talk to my dogs.