Happy New Year! To me! I am taking back my emotions, my decisions, my vision of self and, most horrifyingly, my online dating profile! But not quite yet on that last one 😉
2019 was a year of compromise. Of sacrifice. Of forgetting who I am, what I want and, most importantly, what I deserve. 2019 was a year of allowing someone else to dim my “light” and to crush my spirit.
I haven’t blogged much (you’re welcome) as it seemed as if I were on a constant loop of the same bullshit from Mr Out of Town (I can’t even remember if that is the blog name I gave him). I tried. I tried too hard. He tried. Kind of. We are and always have been 2 completely different people. This, in and of itself, isn’t a bad thing. I liked that we had different interests and viewpoints. I liked that we had different lifestyles and motivations. I did NOT like his emotional insecurity. His inability to have a discussion about “us” without turning it nasty. His inability to not escalate EVERY situation into something it never needed to be. He fights dirty. He feels that being in an argument gives you the green light to say the most horrid and vile things. He feels that his apologies, when they came, erased all of the putrid bullshit that he said about me, about us and about everything. His mind works in a horribly fascinating way in that he remembers, quite clearly, things that NEVER happened. Defending myself against these false realities was exhausting and yet I did it.
Deep down, he has a good heart. I’ve said that a million times. I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve tried to build him up. I’ve tried to improve his outlook. I’ve tried to pick my battles and let far more go than I ever should have.
He has attacked my character, my looks, my personality, my intelligence, my sexuality, my interests. He has called me names that no one that truly cares about you should ever think, much less say, to the other. He never grasped the reality that nothing said in anger didn’t already exist in your mind.
We had some good times. We had some horrible times. What it came down to was that I felt I was putting in the lion’s share of the effort and compromise. I felt that I always came last. Behind work, behind his friends, behind his drugs, behind his love of not getting off the couch or doing anything productive for days on end. He is a depressed and unhappy person who does nothing to improve his outlook or mindset. I tried my best to do this for him but I fear I only made things worse. The saying is true that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want help.
We have broken up and gotten back together more times than any sane couple should. This last time was for good. Of that, I am certain. I have always been the one to diffuse a situation and talk my way back in. This time, when he let me have it and spewed his horrible comments, I nodded and I agreed. We don’t belong together. I am unhappy. He is unhappy. We DO NOT WORK. He was supposed to be a fling. I was not supposed to fall for him. I told him we were over.
I was intent on going into 2020 having lost 200+ pounds of self doubt, anger, sadness and frustration. I did not. I gave things one last chance. I had super high hopes that this time we would work. He drove with me, my 3 dogs and my car-ful of belongings to my beach haven almost 20 hrs away. We didn’t last 2 days. I arrived at my “happy place” miserable and defeated with Mr. OoT still in tow. It was horrible. It illustrated how much my self esteem had plummeted.
He is bi-polar. A complete Jeckyl and Hyde. The roller coaster finally made me so sick that I demanded to get off. Of course, as with any of our dealings, the break can not be a clean one. We have one last trip planned for next month. It’s a bucket list trip for me. I refuse to not go. He will only not go if I buy out his ticket. Sadly, that is not possible. This past year and a half has been a shit show. When I am better able to remove myself from the situation, I will share some stories. They do not make me look good. As completely self aware as I am is exactly how UN self aware he is. I just hope that we can get thru next month’s trip relatively unscathed.
This is just as much my fault as it is his. He showed me who he was right up front. I set the standard for how I allowed him to treat me. Oil and water just do not mix no matter how hard you try shaking things up.
Sorry that this post is disjointed and woe is me ish. I needed to get this out there so I can start fresh. I need to be able to tell “our story” clearly and honestly so that I never let this happen again. With anyone.
To those of you that have been with me for a while, your check is in the mail. 😉 You deserve an award. I promise the fun, witty, non self-loathing me will be back soon. It’s a new year (just started a week late for me) and I refuse to go backwards.