43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Here I Sit July 29, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,texting — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 11:51 pm

I’m presently sitting in Mr. OoT’s apartment, having arrived 4 hours late after a hugely stressful day.  What the fuck is going on with everything?! Once finally on the road, I texted him to let him know and he told me to drive safely and asked if I wanted him to order in dinner for us.  So nice!  I said that would be terrific and he let me choose.

 

Dinner arrived way before I did and he waited (as he should have).  We had a little fun before eating and then had dinner together.  Chatting about nothing in particular.  He asked me how the issue I was having last week business-wise had turned out and I told him the whole shit storm of a story.  As if right on cue, I get a phone call.  At 9pm on a Sunday evening with yet ANOTHER business issue.  This one I had NO clue how to solve.  I went into overdrive calling everyone I could think of that might be able to help to no avail.  The customer was justifiably upset, but was not ‘hearing’ the solutions that I was presenting her.  Super frustrating and took over 2 hours to finally get settled.  2 hours of me on the phone, sending e mails, FB messages, smoke signals and generally trying not to have a complete melt down.  Mr. OoT asked if there was anything he could do.  Sadly, there wasn’t.  He sat with me for about 30 minutes and then kissed me on the forehead and told me he’d be in the other room if I needed anything.  Smart move on his part as a Grey Goose melt down is NOT something that anyone wants to be in the direct pathway of.

 

I finally got everything resolved a bit before midnight and went in search of Mr. OoT.  He was sound asleep.  As he should be.  He had a looong and rough day as well, but mine seemed to trump his.  This is NOT how I wanted our 1st night together after 3 weeks to go down.  He’s been sweet, supportive and has done his best to calm me down.  This is NOT a good side of me and one that does not appear very often.  He seemed to handle it well.

 

While he sleeps, I am up, at ten ’til one in the morning typing this presumably disconnected blog post (you’re welcome).  I guess we’ll see what tomorrow (more like later today) holds ………….

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I’m A Good Cook July 28, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:47 am

You know what the true sign of a good cook is? It’s someone who can make something out of nothing. Someone who can take seemingly disjointed and random ingredients and turn them into something good.

I’ve not always been a good cook. There has been more than a few times where I have put mismatched ingredients together, known something wouldn’t taste right and yet forced myself to like it. Or, better yet, tried to force someone else into liking it.

Ingredients are a funny thing, like people, you can make some great things out of mismatched items. You can also make some exceptionally unappetizing ones.

I have a history (with men) of trying to force things. Not on myself, but I have spent more than my share of ridiculously soul crushing time trying to talk guys into dating me. So fucking lame on my part. I get the whole, if he can’t see your worth, then he’s not worth it thing, but yet it continues. The last notable (and by notable I mean humiliating) one was at the beginning of the year with The Paramedic. Ugh. Of course the most damaging one was TD, 5(ish) years ago. I’ve done it a lot though and have the blog posts to prove it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t run around town trying to mate with every male I encounter as there are far more guys that I turn down than turn down me. It’s just when I find that HIGHLY elusive chemistry thing with someone, I am reluctant to let it go. Yup, even if that chemistry is just one sided. Boo.

Mr. OoT asked me when we started dating. I couldn’t really answer with a specific date. Sure, I have the blog posts to document the 1st time we exchanged online messages, the 1st time we met, the 1st time he dumped me, the 1st time I invited myself to try and fix things, etc…. but I have no idea what to count as the start of ‘us’. Our relationship is just so weird with him living 2 hours away AND working out of state 2 weeks a month. We are the relationship embodiment of a roller coaster. Seriously. Things have improved A LOT since the beginning, but we’ve still got our issues. Doesn’t everyone though?

I’ve been thinking long term lately. Not sure why. Mr. OoT and I absolutely do better in person than we do long distance. We both have idiosyncrasies that could/would/might drive the other insane though if it was a different setup. Like living together. I know that I sell him short a lot and tend to fixate on the negatives with him. I also know that I’m no picnic to deal with. I can be moody, needy, stubborn and snarky. I’ve lived alone a looooong time.

The last fight I picked with him, he said ‘maybe cat people should be with cat people and dog people should be with dog people’. Figuratively speaking of course as neither of us are cat people, but the message was clear. And I proceeded to argue against that theory….

My heart genuinely dropped when I read that text (btw, I HATE having text ‘discussions’). Not sure what we’re doing, but do I really have to figure it all out right now?

 

I’m an Ass July 24, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:19 pm

I know, big surprise for everyone right? I wrote the other day that Mr. OoT doesn’t get it when it comes to business. My business. And he doesn’t. And that’s okay. Today he offered to buy me a plane ticket to get to where I need to be to take care of things. Sweet and generous as hell. While I would never take him up on it, it means a lot that the offer was made. He knows I’ve been stressed out about money lately. While he pretty much lives paycheck to paycheck, he still offered to dip into his stash to try and help alleviate some of my worries.

He may not know how to give me business advice, but he does know how to be surprisingly supportive. I should probably stop selling him short.

As a change of pace, I’VE been the shit show this week. Pretty much the living embodiment of everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Just call me Murphy. I have not had a shittier 4 day run in ages! And, because feeling completely out of control on all things shitshow isn’t a good place to be for a Type A control freak to be, I opted to control one thing. And picked a fight with OoT. A big one……

 

Like Watching A Pot Of Water Boil July 21, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,mexico,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 3:49 pm

That’s what it’s like watching the calendar.  It doesn’t make the time go by any faster.  Mr. OoT is 12 days into his 21 day stint out of town.  He’s been pretty good about staying in touch and not ‘checking out’.  Which, of course, means that I haven’t checked out.  Yet.

 

He brought up living together yesterday.  Again.  Uhm, WAY too soon for that talk.  And sorry, but just because his BFF moved his brand new girlfriend in already doesn’t mean it’s the move for us.  Pun intended.  Anyway, in the grand scheme of things, I live in the better town and have the better house.  Those are just facts.  Another fact is that Mr. OoT needs to stay in his town for 3 more years until his youngest graduates high school.  Non facts are things such as would I really move to a different town when I love mine so much?  Why would I move to his town when he’s gone half the month anyway?  What the hell would it be like living with Mr. OoT 24/7 forever and ever?  Sure, our ‘dates’ last for days on end, but there is always an end point.  Always a time that I know I will get my ‘space’ back.  To be fair, I’d probably be like this with anyone and realize that I’m no picnic either.  I’m an introvert at heart.  I need my ‘me’ time.  Dealing with Mr. OoT’s not so little idiosyncracies might just drive me insane though.

 

I’m doing well on just letting things go and again, to be fair, he’s doing better at retaining information.  I read a pithy little blurb somewhere yesterday (probably FB or The Twitter as that’s where I keep up on all current events) that said something to the effect of : Just because someone isn’t loving you in the way that you have envisioned doesn’t mean that they’re not loving you to the best of their ability.  Or something like that.  I need to start writing things down…..

 

Anywhoo, as an added ‘bonus’, all sorts of shit is hitting the fan today in my business and normal life and I don’t really think I can talk to Mr. OoT about the business side.  I’m used to being able to lean on whoever I’m seeing (if I recall correctly as it’s been so long ago) to offer advice and talk thru things with me.  I just sent Mr. OoT a text about one specific thing going on and he’s not getting it.  He’s never had anything other than a time-clock punching job and his mind just doesn’t work ‘business-wise’.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that by any means, but it’s just different and he has no perspective on what it’s like to live my ‘work’ life.  It’s highlighting another difference between he and I.  Last week when I told him about an issue I was having with a particularly rude client, he told me I should just tell them to fuck off and hang up on them.  Uhm, no.  That’s not how it’s done in business.

 

Gah, today has gone from bad to worse.  Yeehaw.

 

P.S. Although all the above is true, I miss him and that’s just making it all worse (but probably just in my head)

 

The Photo July 18, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,family,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:05 pm

Mr. OoT and I got some super photos with each other during my/his last visit. Too bad that’s not what this post is about.

Remember the drama queen shit stirring niece of Mr. OoT and the shitty thing she did? Yeah, that’s what this post is regarding.

There were 13 of us in the front room of Mr. OoT’s place. Cramped is an understatement. Most people were sitting on the floor. Not me. I don’t do floors. I was sitting in a chair about 6″ from the front of Mr. OoT’s fridge. That was sort of my spot that weekend. Mr. OoT keeps lots of photos on the front of his fridge that I like to look at. While I’ve never actually moved the photos to see if there were any hidden gems, I loved the photos I could see. They were of Mr. OoT and his kids and they were very sweet. He and his daughter. He and his son. His son and his daughter….you get the idea.

Not that day. Heaven knows where she found it, but when I turned my head to look at the photos the one that stared back at me was of Mr. OoT smiling away with the 5 year girlfriend and her family. What the fuck?

To be clear, everyone has a past. Duh. Everyone has exes. This wasn’t a photo of any of the kids’ moms. It wasn’t a photo containing any of Mr. OoT’s family. It was just Mr. OoT, his ex and her family. Two questions came to mind: #1) why the hell is that photo still around and not filed away somewhere and #2) why the HELL is it center stage on the fridge & staring me in the face?

I have never felt that ‘her’ and Mr. OoT’s story was over. They’ve dated 3 separate times over a 25 year period. He has NO closure on the situation. Their breakup was sudden and weird. Although he tells me there is no way he’d get back with her and that he’s way more into me than he ever was with her, I don’t fully buy it.

Anyway, 2 of his sisters were in earshot when I reactively said ‘what the fuck?’. The spirit animal sister completely understood. The other sister didn’t get it. Dumbass. She was all ‘It’s only a photo and they did date for 5 years’. Uh, sure thing dipshit, I get that, but WHY should I have to look at this photo? The shit stirring neice who did it was all ‘I think it’s a cute photo of everyone’. Again, what the fuck? She knew it wad his ex in the pic. They had met several times. She knew exactly what she was doing. I just can’t figure out why….

Anyway, you know who else didn’t get why I was upset? Mr. OoT. Super. He was all team ‘ it’s just a picture ‘ and could not get it through his head why I was upset about it a) still being anywhere but in a drawer somewhere and b) staring me right in the face on the front of his fridge.

I asked him how he would feel if I had a photo of me, my ex and his family still stuck to my fridge. He said he wouldn’t care. Right. This from the guy who assumed I was seeing someone else and got pissed when I posted a pic of myself and my bff’s son on Instagram….. I was super annoyed at that point and opted to take my dog for an extended walk. I avoided being in the kitchen the rest of the day.

Best part of the whole thing? When he brought it up again hours & hours later when we were lying in bed, I was still trying to get him to understand why it upset me. He asked, I shit you not, if I wanted him to take it down. WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!? It was still up there!!! I was dumbfounded to hear that he (or anyone else) hadn’t taken it down earlier.

Gah….

 

On This Day….. July 17, 2018

You know how FB sends you ‘memories’ from previous years? Some are amazing memories and bring a smile to my face. Some make me think and realize how things have changed. There’s the whole remembrance of outings with friends. Of good times had. Of evolutions made. Of changes in circumstances. Then again, once every blue moon you get a ‘memory’ that you wish they wouldn’t have sent. From eight years ago:

some jack-hole from match (yes, i know) just sent me this: “I’m not married by choice. Ur a 42 yo w-no kids never married. Lol
Very odd for a woman. You better work on yourself. Who d want advice from u. I just re looked@your pics. I saw them hours ago. No wonder I forgot them. What a AVE looking plain jane. Not enough booze in AZ for me to date u. I wouldn’t walk across the ST. to say hi to u ! Get over your extremely ave self. You’re somebodys 10. Lol. Your a 5-6 to me. I date8s. Commit to 9s. There’s not a plastic surgeon ,that can get u to a 7! Lol”

Uhm, what the fuck? I’m wracking my brain to try to remember this guy or what the circumstances were to deserve such an awesome message, but I can’t. And that’s probably a good thing.

Ahhh, online dating. How I love you so. Not.

NEVER LET ANYONE DEFINE YOUR SELF WORTH! This took me a looooong time to fully embrace. I’m pretty sure this message knocked me on my ass for a few days back then (and might actually still if I were to receive this message today). Looks are just looks. Superficial assholes are just superficial assholes. I can only hope that Karma has done it’s work on this idiot.

 

Whatever THIS Is…. July 16, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,family,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,single,sunday funday,texting,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:40 am

Mr. OoT likes to preface any discussion of ‘us’ by referring to our dating/relationship as ‘whatever THIS is that we’re doing’. It’s so weird. I know he says it that way for my benefit as he’s trying not to freak me out and cause me to run away, but c’mon.

He asked me the other day about steps. As in ‘the next step in whatever this is we’re doing’. He’s big on steps. I told him we could start by his NOT saying ‘whatever this is’ whenever he talks about ‘us’. He asked what he should categorize us as. Uhm, we’re dating. And unless he has someone on the side that I’m unaware of, we’re dating exclusively. Ergo, a relationship. Gasp! I could almost hear him grinning through the phone.

I asked him what he refers to me as to others. He said he calls me his amazing girlfriend. Good man. I call him by his name and say he’s the man I’m seeing. Boyfriend just doesn’t roll off the tongue normally for me at age 50.

Anywhoo, things are good. Although he opted to be away for work for 3 weeks this time instead of 2 without even thinking to mention it to me prior, he was completely open and engaged when I pointed out that most of our challenges happen when he’s away. He’s disconnected which, in turn, makes me disconnected. I asked what we could do to work on that and he suggested, all on his own, that even though we text multiple times a day, that we speak on the phone every 2 days. I thought that a great idea and promptly assumed he’d forget. So far, he makes sure to call me every 2 days…impressive.

My eyes were opened to a few things during his family’s visit. The opinionated, unwavering, opposing viewpointed man that he is now is actually an upgraded version on how he has been in the past. He even said to me ‘this is about as good as it gets. If you’re hoping for bigger changes, I’d appreciate you breaking up with me now as I’m getting very attached.”

Maybe it’s my viewpoint and expectations that need to change. People don’t change who they inherently are. He is who he is. It’s up to me to either adjust or not. He’s trying. He’s doing his best to make me happy. He is kind, good hearted and affectionate towards me. That’s a pretty good thing and I’m getting a little attached myself….