43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Reminders January 21, 2020

Why is it that after a year and a half of tantrums (his, not mine), arguments, name calling and all around ridiculousness, my brain is fighting me to not discount all of this and remember all the good times.

All the fun we had.  The times he was sweet and thoughtful.  The time (just once) that he drove to my town to surprise me. The times he was a great boyfriend.  Our relationship was ridiculous.  Both his fault and mine.  I resisted liking him.  I fought admitting that I did.  I didn’t feel he was the type of person that I should be with.  I screwed up our relationship at the very start.  He screwed it up from there.

He has legit anger issues.  He can go from zero to 100 in 2 seconds.  He finds fault in everything.  He takes very little responsibility.  He has zero self awareness.  He fights dirty.  He always held our relationship over my head.  Always threatened to leave.  This last time he actually said, after telling me last time we were together how much he loves spending time with me and how he forgets how good we are together, that ‘he hates spending time with me’.  He did shit like that all the time.  Told me super sweet things and then, next argument, would counter by telling me how shitty I was.  Gah, it was ridiculous.

Nonetheless, I miss him.  I know I shouldn’t.  I’ve had to fight wanting to call him the past couple of days.  I’m not sure why.  Our conversations had gotten boring.  Surface as shit.  I had stopped telling him anything ‘important’ awhile ago as I didn’t want him to end up using anything important to me against me. That’s one fucked up relationship right there.

Could he be sweet and nice and supportive and charming and generous and kind?  Yes, absolutely.  Unfortunately, he could also be the most petulant, mean, petty, immature, over-reacting man alive.  I need to keep reminding myself of that.  That I deserve better.  That I deserve someone capable of having a discussion without spinning it into a huge argument.  Someone who realizes that once said, you cannot take shitty comments back.

I do miss Mr. OoT.  I do not miss how he treated me 40% of the time…….

 

Repo Man Resurfaces January 17, 2020

Senitlity sucks. The fact that I can’t even remember my blog names for people is kinda sad.  The fact that I can’t link back original posts from the past sucks even more. For you.

Repo Man and I ‘met’ online almost 4 years ago? Maybe 3. Regardless, we never actually met in person at that time. He had asked me, way back then, if I wanted to meet on a Friday or a Sunday.  I chose Sunday.  Apparently he got lucky fell in love with someone else on that Friday. when he cancelled on me, I was fine.  We hadn’t actually met, so who cared.  I was happy for him.

We have kept in touch over the years and he would call me every now and again.  Usually for dating advice.  He is a super nice guy and his M.O. seemed to always be to give his girlfriends 3 do-overs.  Who am I to judge?  I gave Mr. OoT about 37 do-overs. Anyway, our timing never worked.  We were never single at the same time. We never actually met until last year when Mr. OoT and I were broken up (for the 28th time) and Repo Man picked me up at the airport in my old town, took me to lunch, dropped me back off at the airport to catch my connection and laid a huge kiss on me before driving off.  Caught me totally off guard, but I’m always up for a good kiss.

We texted a bit, I did see him last winter, but he was dating someone else by then.  Go figure.  As an aside, I’ve noticed that men my age (ancient) seem to not like to be alone.  They hop from one woman to the next.  I sure wish they would take some time alone to work on their own issues instead of constantly searching for someone new to ‘fit’ where they want them to.

Back to me. I hadn’t heard from Repo Man for almost a year when he called me out of the blue.  We chatted for a long time.  He said he was dating someone new.  He asked why we never dated.  He tracked me down on Facebook and friend requested me. About a month after that I see the grand announcement that he’s engage.  Uhm, what? Whatever, we ALL know he jumped the gun on this.  Not my circus.  I was a decent friend and congratulated him on Facebook.  Yey for love!

When I was back in his city last week, he asked if we could meet for lunch.  Sure, why not, I like food and he’s a nice guy.  My bff said he was interested.  I told her she was crazy.  He was engaged and probably just needed some advice.

We met for lunch, chatted for hours, exchanged relationship stories (his good, mine horrible). He asked what had happened to me.  Where my self confidence had gone.  Ouch.  He told me I was gorgeous and smart and kind and that there was something about me that just made him feel comfortable opening up to me.  This last one I take as one of the best compliments ever.  I’ve been told this many times by many different people.  I love that people feel comfortable talking to me.  I am great at advice and guidance.  For others, of course, not for myself.

He asked, again, why we never dated.  Uhm, not very appropriate when he’s engaged.  I asked if his fiance’ knew we were having lunch together.  Nope.  I asked if he had ever mentioned me to her.  Nope.  I asked how he would explain who I was to her.  I don’t even know how to explain who we are to each other.  We ‘met’ online but never actually dated yet have stayed in touch for 3 years? Probably wouldn’t go over well.  Oh well; not my circus.

Anyway, I gave him some relationship advice (again, do as I say, not as I do), he gave me a huge hug (which I definitely needed) and we went on our separate ways.  Me back to my beach haven and he to his matronly fiance’.  Ooops, did I say that?  I decided that his relationship was his deal.  He needs to decide if us having lunch is right or wrong.  My fixer days are over for others.  People need to find and follow their own moral compass.  Me?  I just need to do me for a while.

Oh, and he already asked if we could meet for lunch again when I’m back in town next month……..

 

It’s Not Official Until It’s On Facebook January 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:51 am

So I’ve been super proud of myself.  No tears, very little sadness, no temptation to call or text.  Good, right? Mr. OoT has texted a few times and I have not responded.  Yesterday he called.  I sent the call to voicemail.  Shortly thereafter I received a text saying ‘sorry, pocket dial’.  Right.

I am trying to be the bigger person.  I’m trying to realize that it’s him, not me.  I’m trying to realize that I did my best (not absolute best, but kinda best) to make things work.  I know for a fact that I deserve better.  That he’s not what I want.  That I never saw us long term.  How I let things last as long as they did will forever be a mystery (and regret) of mine.

We are still ‘friends’ on Facebook (the root of all evil).  I have not blocked him and he has not blocked me.  We still have a trip to get thru next month (reminder to myself to book a 2nd guest room at the hotels) and I refuse to let him ruin another bucket list trip for me (did I ever mention that I took him to Ireland last year as his birthday present and he threw a hissy fit in the airport and ruined the beginning of the trip?)

Anyway, as I was patting myself on the back this morning for doing so well and handling everything with grace and charm (HA! I made that last part up), what pops up on my FB news feed?  Mr. OoT changed his status to single.  Shouldn’t matter, right? I’m sure he has a lineup of shitty women waiting (he’s SUPER good looking).  I know that no one will compare to me.  I know that he is better suited to be with an equally emotionally challenged lover of all things cannabis and mushroom related yes woman.  Someone who fits right into his limited emotional availability.  Someone who can somehow deal with his horrible outbursts and narcissistic need to be ‘on top’.  To win.

Why is it that my stomach dropped a little and a wave of sadness overtook me when I saw that? 😦

 

Do Overs Are Allowed, Right? January 13, 2020

Nope, don’t throw your computer out the window.  I don’t mean with Mr. OoT.  After I wrote and posted my last entry I went back and re-read the whopping NINE posts I made in 2019.  All with varying degrees of ‘look what an idiot I am!’.  I promised I was done with Mr. OoT over and over again.  Yikes. Pretty pathetic.

I promised myself that I would start 2020 in a better place; not just geographically (because, duh, the beach) but mentally.  And I didn’t.  I let myself down.  Things had been ‘over’ for a while, I just didn’t want to admit it.  The last time I visited Mr. OoT (he bought a house towards the end of last year that I spent WAY too much time, energy and money helping fix up) pretty much illustrated how much my feelings had waned.  I was sick the week before and he was away working.  He would call and say how he wished he were there to take care of me. I said that would be awesome. He returned home and I was still sick.  Did he come take care of me like he said? No, of course not.  He was ‘busy’.  Whatever. We had agreed that when he was home that the dogs and I would come stay at his house in his town and we did.  Too bad that he was now sick.  I took care of him.  I cooked. I decorated.  I ran errands.  Know what else I did? I slept in the guest room.  Uhm…..

I don’t need a ‘buddy’.  I certainly don’t need a long distance friend. I figured I would stay in the guest room the 1st night only as Mr. OoT was coughing up a storm.  Nope. I stayed there all week.  Quite the roommate situation.  The 2nd night I was there we watched a movie on the couch.  When it was time for bed, we walked down the hall together and he kissed me on my forehead and stopped in front of the guest room door.  I said ‘really?’ He just chuckled, went into his room and shut the door. What the fuck?

Although it was the best sleep I’d ever gotten with him (he snores loud enough to wake the dead and gets up about a dozen times a night), this wasn’t what I signed up for.  When I really thought about it though, I wasn’t all that upset.  That’s when I knew we were over.  It dragged on a few more weeks and ended in the shit-show of a road trip and 1st week of the year. I dropped him off at the airport on January 7th, stayed in town to visit a few friends, and returned back to my beach haven 200lbs lighter on January 9th.

To walk into my beach haven and have it all to myself, free of negative energy and sadness was amazing.  This year I celebrated New Year’s on January 9th.  New year, new outlook, new attitude and new standards.  It is never okay to allow someone/anyone to talk to you like you’re a piece of shit.  That shit is reserved for my mother. 😉

Happy New Year!!!

 

Time To Turn My Light Back On January 10, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 2:29 pm

Happy New Year! To me! I am taking back my emotions, my decisions, my vision of self and, most horrifyingly, my online dating profile! But not quite yet on that last one 😉

2019 was a year of compromise. Of sacrifice. Of forgetting who I am, what I want and, most importantly, what I deserve. 2019 was a year of allowing someone else to dim my “light” and to crush my spirit.

I haven’t blogged much (you’re welcome) as it seemed as if I were on a constant loop of the same bullshit from Mr Out of Town (I can’t even remember if that is the blog name I gave him). I tried. I tried too hard. He tried. Kind of. We are and always have been 2 completely different people. This, in and of itself, isn’t a bad thing. I liked that we had different interests and viewpoints. I liked that we had different lifestyles and motivations. I did NOT like his emotional insecurity. His inability to have a discussion about “us” without turning it nasty. His inability to not escalate EVERY situation into something it never needed to be. He fights dirty. He feels that being in an argument gives you the green light to say the most horrid and vile things. He feels that his apologies, when they came, erased all of the putrid bullshit that he said about me, about us and about everything. His mind works in a horribly fascinating way in that he remembers, quite clearly, things that NEVER happened. Defending myself against these false realities was exhausting and yet I did it.

Deep down, he has a good heart. I’ve said that a million times. I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve tried to build him up. I’ve tried to improve his outlook. I’ve tried to pick my battles and let far more go than I ever should have.

He has attacked my character, my looks, my personality, my intelligence, my sexuality, my interests. He has called me names that no one that truly cares about you should ever think, much less say, to the other. He never grasped the reality that nothing said in anger didn’t already exist in your mind.

We had some good times. We had some horrible times. What it came down to was that I felt I was putting in the lion’s share of the effort and compromise. I felt that I always came last. Behind work, behind his friends, behind his drugs, behind his love of not getting off the couch or doing anything productive for days on end. He is a depressed and unhappy person who does nothing to improve his outlook or mindset. I tried my best to do this for him but I fear I only made things worse. The saying is true that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want help.

We have broken up and gotten back together more times than any sane couple should. This last time was for good. Of that, I am certain. I have always been the one to diffuse a situation and talk my way back in. This time, when he let me have it and spewed his horrible comments, I nodded and I agreed. We don’t belong together. I am unhappy. He is unhappy. We DO NOT WORK. He was supposed to be a fling. I was not supposed to fall for him. I told him we were over.

I was intent on going into 2020 having lost 200+ pounds of self doubt, anger, sadness and frustration. I did not. I gave things one last chance. I had super high hopes that this time we would work. He drove with me, my 3 dogs and my car-ful of belongings to my beach haven almost 20 hrs away. We didn’t last 2 days. I arrived at my “happy place” miserable and defeated with Mr. OoT still in tow. It was horrible. It illustrated how much my self esteem had plummeted.

He is bi-polar. A complete Jeckyl and Hyde. The roller coaster finally made me so sick that I demanded to get off. Of course, as with any of our dealings, the break can not be a clean one. We have one last trip planned for next month. It’s a bucket list trip for me. I refuse to not go. He will only not go if I buy out his ticket. Sadly, that is not possible. This past year and a half has been a shit show. When I am better able to remove myself from the situation, I will share some stories. They do not make me look good. As completely self aware as I am is exactly how UN self aware he is. I just hope that we can get thru next month’s trip relatively unscathed.

This is just as much my fault as it is his. He showed me who he was right up front. I set the standard for how I allowed him to treat me. Oil and water just do not mix no matter how hard you try shaking things up.

Sorry that this post is disjointed and woe is me ish. I needed to get this out there so I can start fresh. I need to be able to tell “our story” clearly and honestly so that I never let this happen again. With anyone.

To those of you that have been with me for a while, your check is in the mail. 😉 You deserve an award. I promise the fun, witty, non self-loathing me will be back soon. It’s a new year (just started a week late for me) and I refuse to go backwards.

Xoxoxoxoxo

 

“A” For Effort July 20, 2019

Or maybe, too little too late.  As I still haven’t told Mr. OoT to completely fuck off (am I waiting for a miracle?), he texts me most days.  Most days I don’t respond.  When I do, they are short, not so sweet and completely disconnected.  He phones me almost every day.  Almost every day I send him to voicemail.  I warned him once that if I get to the ‘shut down’ phase, it’s pretty impossible to get me to care again.  I’m kinda there.  Although I do still care, kind of, there’s no need for him to know that.

 

He sends me apologies, please forgive me’s, I’ll change(s) and a multitude of other niceties.  He talks of my upcoming birthday and future trips we’ll take together.  He talks of the future and how he’ll do everything possible to make me happy.  I never respond to these message.  They make me sad.  And a bit annoyed.  I gave him over a year to step up.  He didn’t.

 

He’s competitive.  Not sure if all these niceties are because he truly means them or he just wants to ‘win’.  I refuse to get back on the roller coaster.  Today’s apology was a good one.  He’s a huge music lover.  We’ve always exchanged UTube links to different songs that we like.  Songs that mean something to us.  Songs that make us happy.  Songs that tell the story of the day.

 

Today he sent me the link to The Petshop Boys “Always on my mind”, complete with lyrics.  It was sweet and sad and made me tear up just a little.  Too little, too late indeed ….

 

Young, Tall & Broken July 19, 2019

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 3:25 pm

So the online dating has begun again. Yey me. And them. And the universe. So far I’ve messaged with 2 suspected catfish, 1 out of towner, a sprinkling of men who feel that “Hello” is a good initial message in it’s entirety. I love dating.

I came across a super cute, tall and inappropriately young ginger yesterday. I read his profile and he spoke of his 2 young toddlers. No thank you. As I’m trying to bank some karmic bonus points, I decided to message him anyway. Not with the intention of flirting, but instead simply stating that although I was not a good match for him that I thought he was very attractive. I then wished him well in finding someone terrific.

He wrote back almost immediately and said “don’t count yourself out; I’ve done the Barbie thing twice before and I got my heart broken.” Uhm, did he not realize that his phrasing of what I will assume was meant to be nice was insulting?

Anyway, we started messaging a bit and he seemed very nice, but a little bit broken. As we chatted more, he started to mention his ex wife. Er, rarely a good thing off the bat. When he proceeded to call her a cold hearted bitch, I told him that was awfully harsh and he probably needed to work on his unresolved feelings before he attempts to date again.

He then apologized, asked if I wanted to meet and then proceeded to send me 13 unresponded to messages over the next 4 hours. 🙄