43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Sea Shells December 2, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:47 am

One of my main hobbies while at my beach haven (aside from my new daily routine of doing water aerobics with a bunch of geriatric ladies – don’t judge me) is looking for cool shells while I walk the beach.

Shells. like people, absolutely fascinate me.  There are so many different shapes and sizes.  Appearances and histories.  I wonder how a shell is formed out of ‘nothing’.  So many curves and colors and textures and intricacies.  Some are beautiful beyond belief.  Some are so fun and colorful that you can’t help but smile when you find one.  Some are so amazingly formed.  Some are little more challenged in appearance.  Some have holes in them.  Some are chipped.  Some are broken beyond belief. Some, you pick up to look at; something crawls out and you scream, drop it and run away.

Regardless, they are all beautiful in their own way.  Just like people.  Just like people as well, some are broken.  Some are chipped.  Some are a little less pretty to look at.  Some have a weird appearance.  Some make you wonder what the hell ever lived in them.

Some get scooped up by me to add to my collections.  Some I absolutely love.  Some I just kinda like.  Some make me smile.  Some freak me out and some make me drop them like a hot potato and leave them on the beach for someone else to find.

 

All Men Are Secretly 13 Year Old Girls November 29, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 3:00 pm
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So Repo Man. Or The P.I. Or whatever I used to refer to him as for the past 5 years….As I can’t remember how to link a past blog post, here is the Cliff’s Notes Version:

I “met” him online close to 5 years ago. We didn’t actually meet in person until about 3 years ago. Repo Man doesn’t like to be alone. He hops from girlfriend to girlfriend to fiance to girlfriend. I only hear from him when he is either between girlfriends or needs relationship advice. Our 1st date was kiboshed because he ‘met the one’ on the Friday before our scheduled Sunday date. (He has since met no less than 10 ‘the ones’)

We have made several plans over the years that he inevitably cancels last minute. It has always bothered me a bit, but not tons as, although he is always super flirty with me and loves to ask ‘how come we never dated?’ (Uh, stop cancelling on me dumbass), as we weren’t actually dating, it was no biggie. This year those “plans” were super dramatic, involved and intrusive. For me. He wanted to move to my town and for whatever reason, it had to be immediately. Instead of letting him make a huge mistake, I dropped everything and researched and toured different places for him to live. He had the dates set so I cleared my schedule for his move. He went radio silent for about a week and then, 2 days before he was supposed to be here, he said he was going to give his current relationship one more try and thus wasn’t moving.

Whatevs, good for him. I really have no skin in this game and had decided long ago that he was a bit too ‘dramatic’ for me. He, on the other hand, I believe stayed in touch as Plan B. Radio silence set in (again) right after his latest decision. A few weeks later, I noticed his status (on FB – the root of all evil) was from another town (and state). He had, in fact, moved away. Okay, Good for him. Of course I still heard from him when he had issues or needed to talk thru things. He never seemed to go more than a month without a new girlfriend. The most recent relationship stories were super intense and, frankly, ridiculous. He would post tons of photos and tag the new woman and then, inevitably, any sign of her would disappear. I always assumed it was the woman unfriending/blocking him. Again, not my circus.

He was supposed to come for a visit in September as he still wanted to check out my town. September 27th, to be exact. I cleared my schedule, made touristy plans for his stay, cancelled a concert I was supposed to go to with friends as he didn’t want to go and got the guest room ready for his weekend visit.

My best friend encouraged me to “give him another shot”. I said no. I need someone with a bit more emotional maturity and less whininess drama. I was still happy to have him come for a visit and he always been super kind and nice to me, so why not?

2 nights before he was due to arrive, he canceled. Said he was sick. He cancelled his plane ticket. You can’t choose when you get sick, right? I told him to please rest up and take care of himself. That was the last contact for 2 months.

A couple weeks ago I saw his telltale signs of a new relationship. Photos were plastered all over FB including a cute pic of he and some woman at the beach with declarations of awesomeness. Too bad the date on the photos was September 27th. Wait. What?!

If there’s anything I hate more than flakes and stupidity, it’s being played for a fool. Nice going. I didn’t bother to message him as I assumed, as always, I would hear from him when this latest relationship fell apart.

I heard from him last week. He sent a text and wanted to know how a trip I had just taken went. I replied that the trip was good and that I hoped he was well. I then sent : “did I really see pics of you with a new woman on the beach dated the same weekend you were too sick to come see me?”

He sends back some scattered and SUPER defensive reply about how the dates were inaccurate (huh?) and how he didn’t appreciate me calling him a liar. Uh, what? I didn’t; I simply asked a question. Sure it was a bit passive aggressive, but too bad. After 5 years of him cancelling on me and ‘Plan B’ ing me, I was over it. I replied that I didn’t call him a liar and was simply asking a question as the dates coincided. Then I noted that he was being weirdly aggressive & defensive in his response.

He then declared “this is the last time I explain myself or my actions to you!” And then immediately blocked me on social media. What the ever living fuck?

Jesus! Drama queen much?! I am so tired of men not being able to have adult conversations or be honest. It’s so tiring. Apparently I hit a nerve. Or called him out on his bullshit. Either way, good riddance Repo Man. Now I understand why your relationships don’t last…….

Oh, and fuck you.

 

So….About Yesterday… November 25, 2020

I swear it had to be a full moon. I know it wasn’t, but damn, some weirdly stupid shit happened.

I am at my happy place for the winter. I was sitting on a friend’s patio when an ex friend (would love to share the backstory, but I have no clue what I did. No, really) walks by and calls me a bitch. Waot, what? I wasn’t even looking in her direction. She then calls another friend a c*nt, flips us off and calls us mean girls. Uhm, what just happened?

Although I love a good Mean Girls reference, we were all shocked. Oh, and pissed. I ‘may’ have suggested she adjust her meds after she called us all names. She then announced that she wasn’t on any (hmmm, may be something she wants to consider, just saying) and that I’M the one who needs to be medicated.

Hello dumbass, that’s what vodka is for. 😉 Kidding. Kind of. So surreal and unprovoked. People are nuts.

As if that wasn’t weird enough, I heard from Repo Man/The P.I. (I can’t remember what I used to call him or how to link previous posts 🙄). Mr. Nice Guy was either drinking or has some issues as it wasn’t pleasant……. stay tuned

 

Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Come…. September 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:47 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

The apology you deserve. The explanation you hoped for. The clarification you needed.  And you know what? That’s okay.

In a year that has been less than stellar for OH SO MANY reasons (I have a plethora of unpublished drafts from this year; and last for that matter), one long awaited positive has come about. I am done with Mr. OoT. Yes, finally. Yes, for real. No really. It’s been 6 weeks since our unnecessarily dramatic breakup. 6 weeks since he told me to (and I quote) “get the fuck out of his life and never speak to his family again”. While I absolutely did the 1st, he can fuck off if he thinks I’ll follow the 2nd.

It was so weird (and by weird, I mean super shitty) how things ended up playing out. We had taken a road trip to see his daughter’s family. Mr. OoT and I had gotten in an argument a few days prior where he threw something exceedingly personal that I trusted him with back in my face. I hadn’t yet forgiven him and wasn’t actually/finally sure that I could or would.

Mr. OoT was SUPER cold to me the entire trip and visit. He was his usual self involved narcissistic self. It was weird/sad/embarrassing/horrifying seeing our relationship through his daughter’s eyes. His entire family knows exactly who he is and what he’s capable of, so it was no surprise to them when or how it came about. Anyway, seeing our relationship through his daughter’s eyes was, frankly, embarrassing. Sure, Mr. OoT could be kind and charming and generous and chivalrous and complimentary and amazing when he wanted. He just didn’t want to. With me. Anymore.

I was basically a non entity in our relationship. Everything was always about him and I was (finally) tired of it. I had gone for a drive alone the day before we were set to leave. When I got back to the house I asked Mr. OoT if he wanted to stay an extra day as his daughter and her husband were disappointed that we were leaving the next day. His response to me was that he didn’t want to spend one more second with me than he had to and that he had been miserable every day for the last 6 months. Uhm, what the fuck?!

I have no clue what, exactly, had set him off on that particular day but I told him he either needed to apologize or he could find his own way home (500+ miles away). He opted to “double down” and throw in a few more scathing comments instead. So I did it. I left him there.

It took two and a half overly stressful and self confidence crushing years for me to come to this one conclusion. I DO matter. I SHOULD count. I DESERVE someone who makes me a priority at least part of the time.

I’m not going to lie, I cried most of those 500 solitary miles home. We have blocked each other on social media and have had zero contact (well, aside from that amazingly ill timed funeral thing that following week). Have I missed him? Yes. Have I missed having someone? Yes. Have I wanted to reach out? Also yes. Have I? No. And I’m not going to. I deserve better. I deserve respect and kindness and understanding and romance and butterflies. I deserve someone who will be kind to me even when I’m being a bitch. Someone who won’t hold our relationship for ransom. Someone who will still care when I am exhausted and have nothing to give. I deserve to be with someone who doesn’t make everything about him and on his terms; According to what he feels I deserve or have earned at that particular moment.

In these past 2 1/2 years we have fought countless times. Have broken up often. Have gotten back together way too much. He has called me horrible names and ignored my feelings. He has tuned me out more times than I can count. He has violated trusts. I’m self aware enough to realize I’m no picnic to be with, but even at my worst, I deserve unconditional love and kindness.

In the end though it was none of those things (or maybe it was all of those things) that finally had me walk away. I just knew I’d never be able to count on him when it mattered most. I was with a man who actually made me feel lonely and as if I didn’t matter. I don’t want to be lonely WITH someone. No one should be.

And thus, my friends who have waited for 2 1/2 infuriating years for me to finally listen to everyone and move on; I have. For my own feeling of self worth. For my own happiness. And, of course, for my horrifying stories of online dating. You’re welcome. 😉

 

Much Overdue April 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:19 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

** this post is from April and kind of a missing link **

Understatement of the year. I wanted to update all two of you everyone on Grey Goose’s state of affairs. First and foremost, thank you to all that kept good thoughts for my doggie. After being in the ICU for over a week and almost losing him 2 more times, he was discharged to me. I thought it was hard having him in ICU! I had no idea how hard having to force feed, give meds to around the clock and generally keep him alive would be. I did it. He did it. After several more weeks in a shitty hotel and innumerable blood tests and follow up visits, I was given the okay to embark on the 18 hour drive back home. He is still in treatment and there is every possibility that he could relapse, but for now, finally, he is doing well.

Okay, crisis #1 averted. I still had crisis #2 to deal with. Remember that trip I said I had planned with Mr. OoT? The one that he said he would only NOT go on if I paid him for his ticket? The one that we had planned for almost a year? The one that was pretty tops on my bucket list? Yes, that one. What to do, what to do? My dog was still very sick, I hadn’t spoken to Mr. OoT since the ‘I never wanted to be with you’ phone call. Did I want to travel and leave my dog behind? Did I want to see Mr. OoT? The answer to both of these questions was a resounding NO. It wasn’t until the night before we were supposed to leave and an emergency dinner with friends (they ate, I cried) that I decided to go. My dog was in VERY good hands with my most trusted friend (actually an old boyfriend who we always joked loved my dogs more than he did me – truth), I didn’t have trip insurance and just having spent well over 8 grand saving my doggie (thank you CARE card), I knew if I didn’t go on this trip now, I never would.

So I went. And Mr. OoT was amazing. Helpful and kind and patient and wonderful. I had to keep reminding myself that this was the version of himself that I only got to see 10% of the time, at most. We had separate rooms and there was no ” funny business”, but the trip and he were great.

I promised myself we wouldn’t get back together……..

 

This Has Nothing To Do With Dating February 1, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 10:23 pm

Or maybe it does. I don’t know at this point. Rarely do I ever completely overlap my social media and my blog (makes it sound like I have some sort of following, which I don’t). I am always careful to not give away too many clues as to who I am in real life. I mean, I AM who I portray myself to be in my blog as in life, but to protect myself from someone going “AHA! I know this is……..”

Crazy cat ladies are a real thing. I found out yesterday that the Private Investigator happens to be engaged to one. No clue why, but whatevs. He was telling me how he had to get rid of half his clothes when moving into the fiance’s 4 bedroom house. Uhm, shouldn’t that be plenty of room so the poor man has somewhere to hang his garments? One would think. But no. No, because the fiance’s cats have a room of their very own. Closet and all. Of course they do….

I digress and this bridge between topics will be rough. Very rough. Just like my life right now. I am the canine version of a crazy dog lady. Sure, I’ve stopped short of giving my dogs their very own room (and closet), but I LOVE my dogs. All 3 of them. I have a favorite. Everyone does. Mine is super chill and amazing and cool looking and loves everyone. Rarely do I take him anywhere where people don’t stop to comment and pet him. He’s amazing. He was one of my mom’s cast offs 9 years ago (she sucks) when I told her I would take him on a trial basis. I’ve almost decided to keep him. 😉

He’s sick. VERY sick. We were at our beach haven last week and he was fine on Monday. By Tuesday afternoon he was fighting for his life and still is. I found him treatment for his ridiculously evil and aggressive blood disorder that came out of nowhere in Mexico. I thought I was doing the right thing. Come to find out, I wasn’t. I ended up having to rush him across the border, 4 hours away to a US critical care animal hospital. He’s not improving. He’s getting worse. He’s been given a slim chance of survival. His treatment, if he survives, is long, complicated and expensive. I can’t afford it, but I’m doing it. He deserves to live. It’s not his time. I’m doing my best to stay positive but it’s getting increasingly hard when every phone call and medical update is a discouraging one. I can’t lose my boy. I just can’t. I’m used to being the fixer. I can’t fix this. I can’t make him better.

I’m in the town I used to live in. Literally knowing hundreds of people (and 2 family members) and yet I’m alone. All alone staying in a shitty cheap hotel near the Animal hospital and feeling very sorry for myself. I’ve gotten calls and texts and have a hundred people supporting me from afar, yet no one is here to hold my hand. No one is here to dry my tears. No one is here to help me through this. It’s weird and has me second guessing the friendships I have. I’m falling apart and am doing it alone.

In a moment of weakness I called Mr. OoT in the hopes of heaven knows what. That he would empathize and make me feel better. That he would support me. That he would focus on me and understand what I’m going through. He didn’t. He can’t. He tried, but it’s just not who he is. In an attempt to try and take my mind off of my beloved doggie, he said some things I had waited to hear for a year and a half. He apologized. He said I deserve better. He said he realized that what he had been doing for the last year was punishing me for not being the person he wanted me to be. That he never really wanted to be with me. That we never had a chance. That he was intentionally sabotaging us and himself and pushing me away on purpose. I knew he was doing that and yet I let it continue. I continued to fight for us. Apparently I was the only one doing so. Do I believe all he claims in regards to never wanting to be with me? No, I don’t. I think he’s trying to convince himself of that. I know better. I just no longer care.

Damn this post is all over the board. I’m a wreck. Not because of Mr. OoT, but because of my dog. I sit by the phone waiting for updates. I have worn the same clothes for 2 days (mainly because I literally left town with nothing but my dogs, their things and the clothes on my back). If anyone believe in prayers or healing vibes or has any words of encouragement, I would appreciate all you can spare. I’m not handling this well at all. Thanks for listening…..

 

I Miss You January 26, 2020

So read Mr. OoT’s last text to me.  Well of course you do, you big dumbass.  You had a year and half (actually, almost 2 years) to step up and at least TRY to get some help with your issues, but no, it was all too ‘inconvenient’ for you.  I just wasn’t worth it for you to put in the effort.  Idiot.

He had sent me a text with a link to a dishwasher the other day.  I ignored it.  I know what he was doing.  He counted on me to help him replace all his piece of shit appliances in his new piece of shit house.  To let him know what would look best.  To find the best deal.  To make sure all would work.  You see, Mr. OoT isn’t big on details.  I think he probably reads every 3rd word (at best) when reading descriptions (or my texts, for that matter).  The last time he ordered an appliance online, ‘it got delivered in the wrong color’.  No, my friend.  No it didn’t.  You failed to notice that the microwave you were purchasing was Almond in color, not white.

The fact that Mr. OoT’s favorite time to online shop is at night when high, it came as no surprise.  I actually had to keep myself from laughing the day the microwave got delivered and he removed it from the box.  He was SO pissed!  Anywhoo, back to this dishwasher.  It was an 18″ one.  Most people know that a standard dishwasher is either 23 or 24 inches across. For those that don’t, reading the product description as ‘compact version will fit in smaller spaces’ might be a bit of a tip-off.  This ALL escaped his notice.

He sent me a follow up message the next day asking “yes or no?”  I had more than half a mind to give him the thumbs up so he would order it and be super pissed/surprised when this mini version arrived.  As I’m not (always) a complete bitch, I wrote back that it would be better for him to order a standard sized dishwasher. He had NO CLUE that dishwashers come in different sizes. *sigh*

He then thanked me for pointing that out, said he would try not to bother me so much and then, as a separate text, sent an “I miss you” and a crying emoji.  I think by the time I am completely over all of this will be 3 seconds before we board our international flight together next month.  And then I can start the whole process over again. *sigh*

 

If You Can’t Beat Them …… January 24, 2020

So we all know how I feel that Facebook is the root of all evil. Oh, you didn’t? Well, I do. People share WAY too much information. I neither care nor am interested in knowing what you had for lunch yesterday. Or the day before. I don’t want to read about your every thought that crosses through your head.

I especially don’t want to see all the Namaste posts made by people that I know for a fact to be pretty much the opposite of Namaste and peace and love. Yes, Mr. OoT and oldest sister, I’m looking at you.

Facebook is good for keeping in touch with old friends. Facebook is for people you never really liked in your past to track you down in your present and friend request you. Facebook is to see what concerts are coming to your area. You know, important shit like that. Oh, and dog pictures. ALL the dog pictures.

It has always bothered me that people post their relationship status on Facebook. Announcing new relationships. Announcing the end of said relationships. It’s a well known fact that it’s not really real until it’s posted on Faceboo, right?

Anywho, it’s always bothered me that Mr. OoT likes to announce when he’s single (after waiting the less than appropriate 12 hours). When we 1st started dating he claimed to not know how to remove it from his main profile page. When he ‘figured it out’ on how to remove from his main profile, I discovered he had just moved it to his ‘about’ page. Again, he claimed ignorance. Btw, do we all know that Mr. OoT used to be an IT guy? Right.

So this morning, for whatever reason, I looked at Mr. OoT’s page. I looked at all his new ‘friends’. It will not surprise you to know that they are all female. Whatever. And all of them have ‘single’ as their status announced on their front page. I feel like warning them, but whatever, not my circus.

As I am, in fact, single, I opted to actually put that on my profile page. Mind you, I have never posted a relationship status on my profile. Ever. Single, dating, it’s complicated, in a relationship, nothing. I figure if I’m going to get the universe to do it’s job though, it couldn’t hurt to get a little help from Facebook, right? And maybe, just maybe, I did it as a middle finger to Mr. OoT. Namaste motherfucker…

 

Reminders January 21, 2020

Why is it that after a year and a half of tantrums (his, not mine), arguments, name calling and all around ridiculousness, my brain is fighting me to not discount all of this and remember all the good times.

All the fun we had.  The times he was sweet and thoughtful.  The time (just once) that he drove to my town to surprise me. The times he was a great boyfriend.  Our relationship was ridiculous.  Both his fault and mine.  I resisted liking him.  I fought admitting that I did.  I didn’t feel he was the type of person that I should be with.  I screwed up our relationship at the very start.  He screwed it up from there.

He has legit anger issues.  He can go from zero to 100 in 2 seconds.  He finds fault in everything.  He takes very little responsibility.  He has zero self awareness.  He fights dirty.  He always held our relationship over my head.  Always threatened to leave.  This last time he actually said, after telling me last time we were together how much he loves spending time with me and how he forgets how good we are together, that ‘he hates spending time with me’.  He did shit like that all the time.  Told me super sweet things and then, next argument, would counter by telling me how shitty I was.  Gah, it was ridiculous.

Nonetheless, I miss him.  I know I shouldn’t.  I’ve had to fight wanting to call him the past couple of days.  I’m not sure why.  Our conversations had gotten boring.  Surface as shit.  I had stopped telling him anything ‘important’ awhile ago as I didn’t want him to end up using anything important to me against me. That’s one fucked up relationship right there.

Could he be sweet and nice and supportive and charming and generous and kind?  Yes, absolutely.  Unfortunately, he could also be the most petulant, mean, petty, immature, over-reacting man alive.  I need to keep reminding myself of that.  That I deserve better.  That I deserve someone capable of having a discussion without spinning it into a huge argument.  Someone who realizes that once said, you cannot take shitty comments back.

I do miss Mr. OoT.  I do not miss how he treated me 40% of the time…….

 

A Trip of a Lifetime January 20, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:22 am
Tags: , , , ,

With a recently ex boyfriend. Lovely. It’s been 3 weeks since the shit hit the fan and we finally called it quits. It’s been 2 weeks since our ridiculously excruciating week together at my beach haven ended and I dropped him at the airport. I haven’t spoken to him once. He’s messaged me a few times and I have not responded. He ‘likes’ all my FB and Instagram posts (like any good 13 year old would).

I’m trying to prepare myself for our upcoming trip. Both physically, mentally and logistically. It’s going to be weird. I SO wish he would do the right thing and not go, but we all know there is about .00001% chance of that happening. I called the tour company and asked for separate rooms. As the final payment has already been made, no changes are allowed without a hefty penalty. Like a BIG one! One I cannot afford.

What I can afford is to look up the hotels directly online and book an additional room and hope that it doesn’t get cancelled as a duplicate reservation. What I can do is to research tours and sights that I want to do and see and book them for myself. I am hopeful/certain that he will be ‘Charming Mr. OoT” and not “Antichrist Mr. OoT” on this trip *fingers crossed everyone*.

 

Repo Man Resurfaces January 17, 2020

Senitlity sucks. The fact that I can’t even remember my blog names for people is kinda sad.  The fact that I can’t link back original posts from the past sucks even more. For you.

Repo Man and I ‘met’ online almost 4 years ago? Maybe 3. Regardless, we never actually met in person at that time. He had asked me, way back then, if I wanted to meet on a Friday or a Sunday.  I chose Sunday.  Apparently he got lucky fell in love with someone else on that Friday. when he cancelled on me, I was fine.  We hadn’t actually met, so who cared.  I was happy for him.

We have kept in touch over the years and he would call me every now and again.  Usually for dating advice.  He is a super nice guy and his M.O. seemed to always be to give his girlfriends 3 do-overs.  Who am I to judge?  I gave Mr. OoT about 37 do-overs. Anyway, our timing never worked.  We were never single at the same time. We never actually met until last year when Mr. OoT and I were broken up (for the 28th time) and Repo Man picked me up at the airport in my old town, took me to lunch, dropped me back off at the airport to catch my connection and laid a huge kiss on me before driving off.  Caught me totally off guard, but I’m always up for a good kiss.

We texted a bit, I did see him last winter, but he was dating someone else by then.  Go figure.  As an aside, I’ve noticed that men my age (ancient) seem to not like to be alone.  They hop from one woman to the next.  I sure wish they would take some time alone to work on their own issues instead of constantly searching for someone new to ‘fit’ where they want them to.

Back to me. I hadn’t heard from Repo Man for almost a year when he called me out of the blue.  We chatted for a long time.  He said he was dating someone new.  He asked why we never dated.  He tracked me down on Facebook and friend requested me. About a month after that I see the grand announcement that he’s engage.  Uhm, what? Whatever, we ALL know he jumped the gun on this.  Not my circus.  I was a decent friend and congratulated him on Facebook.  Yey for love!

When I was back in his city last week, he asked if we could meet for lunch.  Sure, why not, I like food and he’s a nice guy.  My bff said he was interested.  I told her she was crazy.  He was engaged and probably just needed some advice.

We met for lunch, chatted for hours, exchanged relationship stories (his good, mine horrible). He asked what had happened to me.  Where my self confidence had gone.  Ouch.  He told me I was gorgeous and smart and kind and that there was something about me that just made him feel comfortable opening up to me.  This last one I take as one of the best compliments ever.  I’ve been told this many times by many different people.  I love that people feel comfortable talking to me.  I am great at advice and guidance.  For others, of course, not for myself.

He asked, again, why we never dated.  Uhm, not very appropriate when he’s engaged.  I asked if his fiance’ knew we were having lunch together.  Nope.  I asked if he had ever mentioned me to her.  Nope.  I asked how he would explain who I was to her.  I don’t even know how to explain who we are to each other.  We ‘met’ online but never actually dated yet have stayed in touch for 3 years? Probably wouldn’t go over well.  Oh well; not my circus.

Anyway, I gave him some relationship advice (again, do as I say, not as I do), he gave me a huge hug (which I definitely needed) and we went on our separate ways.  Me back to my beach haven and he to his matronly fiance’.  Ooops, did I say that?  I decided that his relationship was his deal.  He needs to decide if us having lunch is right or wrong.  My fixer days are over for others.  People need to find and follow their own moral compass.  Me?  I just need to do me for a while.

Oh, and he already asked if we could meet for lunch again when I’m back in town next month……..

 

It’s Not Official Until It’s On Facebook January 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:51 am

So I’ve been super proud of myself.  No tears, very little sadness, no temptation to call or text.  Good, right? Mr. OoT has texted a few times and I have not responded.  Yesterday he called.  I sent the call to voicemail.  Shortly thereafter I received a text saying ‘sorry, pocket dial’.  Right.

I am trying to be the bigger person.  I’m trying to realize that it’s him, not me.  I’m trying to realize that I did my best (not absolute best, but kinda best) to make things work.  I know for a fact that I deserve better.  That he’s not what I want.  That I never saw us long term.  How I let things last as long as they did will forever be a mystery (and regret) of mine.

We are still ‘friends’ on Facebook (the root of all evil).  I have not blocked him and he has not blocked me.  We still have a trip to get thru next month (reminder to myself to book a 2nd guest room at the hotels) and I refuse to let him ruin another bucket list trip for me (did I ever mention that I took him to Ireland last year as his birthday present and he threw a hissy fit in the airport and ruined the beginning of the trip?)

Anyway, as I was patting myself on the back this morning for doing so well and handling everything with grace and charm (HA! I made that last part up), what pops up on my FB news feed?  Mr. OoT changed his status to single.  Shouldn’t matter, right? I’m sure he has a lineup of shitty women waiting (he’s SUPER good looking).  I know that no one will compare to me.  I know that he is better suited to be with an equally emotionally challenged lover of all things cannabis and mushroom related yes woman.  Someone who fits right into his limited emotional availability.  Someone who can somehow deal with his horrible outbursts and narcissistic need to be ‘on top’.  To win.

Why is it that my stomach dropped a little and a wave of sadness overtook me when I saw that? 😦

 

Do Overs Are Allowed, Right? January 13, 2020

Nope, don’t throw your computer out the window.  I don’t mean with Mr. OoT.  After I wrote and posted my last entry I went back and re-read the whopping NINE posts I made in 2019.  All with varying degrees of ‘look what an idiot I am!’.  I promised I was done with Mr. OoT over and over again.  Yikes. Pretty pathetic.

I promised myself that I would start 2020 in a better place; not just geographically (because, duh, the beach) but mentally.  And I didn’t.  I let myself down.  Things had been ‘over’ for a while, I just didn’t want to admit it.  The last time I visited Mr. OoT (he bought a house towards the end of last year that I spent WAY too much time, energy and money helping fix up) pretty much illustrated how much my feelings had waned.  I was sick the week before and he was away working.  He would call and say how he wished he were there to take care of me. I said that would be awesome. He returned home and I was still sick.  Did he come take care of me like he said? No, of course not.  He was ‘busy’.  Whatever. We had agreed that when he was home that the dogs and I would come stay at his house in his town and we did.  Too bad that he was now sick.  I took care of him.  I cooked. I decorated.  I ran errands.  Know what else I did? I slept in the guest room.  Uhm…..

I don’t need a ‘buddy’.  I certainly don’t need a long distance friend. I figured I would stay in the guest room the 1st night only as Mr. OoT was coughing up a storm.  Nope. I stayed there all week.  Quite the roommate situation.  The 2nd night I was there we watched a movie on the couch.  When it was time for bed, we walked down the hall together and he kissed me on my forehead and stopped in front of the guest room door.  I said ‘really?’ He just chuckled, went into his room and shut the door. What the fuck?

Although it was the best sleep I’d ever gotten with him (he snores loud enough to wake the dead and gets up about a dozen times a night), this wasn’t what I signed up for.  When I really thought about it though, I wasn’t all that upset.  That’s when I knew we were over.  It dragged on a few more weeks and ended in the shit-show of a road trip and 1st week of the year. I dropped him off at the airport on January 7th, stayed in town to visit a few friends, and returned back to my beach haven 200lbs lighter on January 9th.

To walk into my beach haven and have it all to myself, free of negative energy and sadness was amazing.  This year I celebrated New Year’s on January 9th.  New year, new outlook, new attitude and new standards.  It is never okay to allow someone/anyone to talk to you like you’re a piece of shit.  That shit is reserved for my mother. 😉

Happy New Year!!!

 

Time To Turn My Light Back On January 10, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 2:29 pm

Happy New Year! To me! I am taking back my emotions, my decisions, my vision of self and, most horrifyingly, my online dating profile! But not quite yet on that last one 😉

2019 was a year of compromise. Of sacrifice. Of forgetting who I am, what I want and, most importantly, what I deserve. 2019 was a year of allowing someone else to dim my “light” and to crush my spirit.

I haven’t blogged much (you’re welcome) as it seemed as if I were on a constant loop of the same bullshit from Mr Out of Town (I can’t even remember if that is the blog name I gave him). I tried. I tried too hard. He tried. Kind of. We are and always have been 2 completely different people. This, in and of itself, isn’t a bad thing. I liked that we had different interests and viewpoints. I liked that we had different lifestyles and motivations. I did NOT like his emotional insecurity. His inability to have a discussion about “us” without turning it nasty. His inability to not escalate EVERY situation into something it never needed to be. He fights dirty. He feels that being in an argument gives you the green light to say the most horrid and vile things. He feels that his apologies, when they came, erased all of the putrid bullshit that he said about me, about us and about everything. His mind works in a horribly fascinating way in that he remembers, quite clearly, things that NEVER happened. Defending myself against these false realities was exhausting and yet I did it.

Deep down, he has a good heart. I’ve said that a million times. I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve tried to build him up. I’ve tried to improve his outlook. I’ve tried to pick my battles and let far more go than I ever should have.

He has attacked my character, my looks, my personality, my intelligence, my sexuality, my interests. He has called me names that no one that truly cares about you should ever think, much less say, to the other. He never grasped the reality that nothing said in anger didn’t already exist in your mind.

We had some good times. We had some horrible times. What it came down to was that I felt I was putting in the lion’s share of the effort and compromise. I felt that I always came last. Behind work, behind his friends, behind his drugs, behind his love of not getting off the couch or doing anything productive for days on end. He is a depressed and unhappy person who does nothing to improve his outlook or mindset. I tried my best to do this for him but I fear I only made things worse. The saying is true that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want help.

We have broken up and gotten back together more times than any sane couple should. This last time was for good. Of that, I am certain. I have always been the one to diffuse a situation and talk my way back in. This time, when he let me have it and spewed his horrible comments, I nodded and I agreed. We don’t belong together. I am unhappy. He is unhappy. We DO NOT WORK. He was supposed to be a fling. I was not supposed to fall for him. I told him we were over.

I was intent on going into 2020 having lost 200+ pounds of self doubt, anger, sadness and frustration. I did not. I gave things one last chance. I had super high hopes that this time we would work. He drove with me, my 3 dogs and my car-ful of belongings to my beach haven almost 20 hrs away. We didn’t last 2 days. I arrived at my “happy place” miserable and defeated with Mr. OoT still in tow. It was horrible. It illustrated how much my self esteem had plummeted.

He is bi-polar. A complete Jeckyl and Hyde. The roller coaster finally made me so sick that I demanded to get off. Of course, as with any of our dealings, the break can not be a clean one. We have one last trip planned for next month. It’s a bucket list trip for me. I refuse to not go. He will only not go if I buy out his ticket. Sadly, that is not possible. This past year and a half has been a shit show. When I am better able to remove myself from the situation, I will share some stories. They do not make me look good. As completely self aware as I am is exactly how UN self aware he is. I just hope that we can get thru next month’s trip relatively unscathed.

This is just as much my fault as it is his. He showed me who he was right up front. I set the standard for how I allowed him to treat me. Oil and water just do not mix no matter how hard you try shaking things up.

Sorry that this post is disjointed and woe is me ish. I needed to get this out there so I can start fresh. I need to be able to tell “our story” clearly and honestly so that I never let this happen again. With anyone.

To those of you that have been with me for a while, your check is in the mail. 😉 You deserve an award. I promise the fun, witty, non self-loathing me will be back soon. It’s a new year (just started a week late for me) and I refuse to go backwards.

Xoxoxoxoxo

 

“A” For Effort July 20, 2019

Or maybe, too little too late.  As I still haven’t told Mr. OoT to completely fuck off (am I waiting for a miracle?), he texts me most days.  Most days I don’t respond.  When I do, they are short, not so sweet and completely disconnected.  He phones me almost every day.  Almost every day I send him to voicemail.  I warned him once that if I get to the ‘shut down’ phase, it’s pretty impossible to get me to care again.  I’m kinda there.  Although I do still care, kind of, there’s no need for him to know that.

 

He sends me apologies, please forgive me’s, I’ll change(s) and a multitude of other niceties.  He talks of my upcoming birthday and future trips we’ll take together.  He talks of the future and how he’ll do everything possible to make me happy.  I never respond to these message.  They make me sad.  And a bit annoyed.  I gave him over a year to step up.  He didn’t.

 

He’s competitive.  Not sure if all these niceties are because he truly means them or he just wants to ‘win’.  I refuse to get back on the roller coaster.  Today’s apology was a good one.  He’s a huge music lover.  We’ve always exchanged UTube links to different songs that we like.  Songs that mean something to us.  Songs that make us happy.  Songs that tell the story of the day.

 

Today he sent me the link to The Petshop Boys “Always on my mind”, complete with lyrics.  It was sweet and sad and made me tear up just a little.  Too little, too late indeed ….

 

Young, Tall & Broken July 19, 2019

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 3:25 pm

So the online dating has begun again. Yey me. And them. And the universe. So far I’ve messaged with 2 suspected catfish, 1 out of towner, a sprinkling of men who feel that “Hello” is a good initial message in it’s entirety. I love dating.

I came across a super cute, tall and inappropriately young ginger yesterday. I read his profile and he spoke of his 2 young toddlers. No thank you. As I’m trying to bank some karmic bonus points, I decided to message him anyway. Not with the intention of flirting, but instead simply stating that although I was not a good match for him that I thought he was very attractive. I then wished him well in finding someone terrific.

He wrote back almost immediately and said “don’t count yourself out; I’ve done the Barbie thing twice before and I got my heart broken.” Uhm, did he not realize that his phrasing of what I will assume was meant to be nice was insulting?

Anyway, we started messaging a bit and he seemed very nice, but a little bit broken. As we chatted more, he started to mention his ex wife. Er, rarely a good thing off the bat. When he proceeded to call her a cold hearted bitch, I told him that was awfully harsh and he probably needed to work on his unresolved feelings before he attempts to date again.

He then apologized, asked if I wanted to meet and then proceeded to send me 13 unresponded to messages over the next 4 hours. 🙄

 

Just Like Ordering A Pizza July 16, 2019

I’ve used this analogy to describe the Male (and yes, female too) mindset of online dating. It also describes the mindset of daters in general.  Thinking you can pick and choose the traits (toppings) you want for your mate (such a lame term). Mr. OoT is no exception.  Sure, everyone has some idea of what they want, but to have a specific list is, IMHO, insane.

As we all realize that Mr. OoT may be a bit insane himself, he is super specific in what he likes. Oddly so.  Not in important qualities like education, ability to hold a conversation, good heartedness or anything else that I would put at the TOP of my list.  These qualities would go at the bottom of his.  While he knows that a ‘dumb’ girl wouldn’t be able to hold his attention due to his love of a good debate, I’m pretty sure this other list trumps that.  His list is of a different kind. Like down to footwear. He likes blondes. Blondes with bobbed hair cuts to be weirdly specific (and outdated). Blondes with bobbed hair cuts that wear sundresses. And Birkenstocks. And smoke weed (not the kind you find in my yard). For the record, and just to state the obvious, I am NONE of the above aside from being blonde.

The Spinner is all of the above. I know this from my super sleuthing. Down to the sundress. Specifically a really ugly one that she sent a photo of to Mr. OoT when he said he loved them. It was hanging on a clothesline in her backyard. Of course it was. *insert eye roll here*

I’m more edgy than hippie in my dress.  I prefer footwear that doesn’t look like I’ve been wearing them since the mid ’70s.  I hate sundresses.  You can’t wear a bra with them and they have super weird squared off necklines.  And they remind me of something a little girl would wear (sorry to all you sundress lovers out there, they’re just not for me).  My life’s ambition (besides catching a tapeworm) is to grow my hair long.  And dye it super dark brown.  Just like Mr. OoT hates.  Which I will be doing next weekend.

 

Grandma vs The Spinner July 13, 2019

Soooooo, the two of you that have been reading my angsty bullshit for a while will know that I often use this blog to work through my feelings and try to figure things out. It’s cheaper than therapy and, more often than not, more effective.

I think I’ll call the money grubbing dipshit 4th of July date Krystal.  Why, you ask?  Well, because that’s her name.  While I am fully aware that none of what has happened is directly her fault and solely Mr. OoT’s, she’s a player in my drama nonetheless.

Krystal is a 35 year old mother of a young child who lives in a shitty town.  Even shittier than the town that Mr. OoT lives in.  From what I’ve read in her messages with Mr. OoT and via her Instagram page (seriously? you’re going to act surprised that I looked her up?), she’s not the brightest bulb on the strand.  She sounds like a bit of an idiot and has a job that anyone with 6 months to kill for training could have.  She doesn’t have 2 nickels to rub together and likes to end most her sentences with ‘lol’.

From what I gathered, although Mr. OoT isn’t wealthy by any means, to her, he would be.  And she would take him for every last cent he has. Over the course of the messages I snooped on she must have mentioned money (or lack thereof) at least 10 times.  Being as Mr. OoT thinks he needs buy people’s affections, he has sent her several gifts.  Including a pizza one night (when he was in another state) when she said she was hungry and didn’t have money for dinner. He’s too stupid (and male) to see the huge red flags. I’m torn between thinking that is the nicest thing ever or the weirdest.

None of this is the point of this post.  The point is this: why the hell would I be jealous of a 35 year old, penniless dipshit whose every profile photo on FB (what? that surprises you too?) is taken with a Snapchat filter? While I am by far heavier, older and certainly not a ‘spinner’ like she is I am also by far and away smarter, more successful, more self sufficient. more age appropriate with no kids and no need to use anyone for their money.  I’m well traveled, well educated and have my shit (mostly) together. Well, aside from dating that is……

I’ve always envied those women that could date someone that they were super into and NOT turn into a jealous wreck knowing they weren’t the only one in the mix.  The women that were confident that they would win out in the end.  Confident that they were the better choice.  Confident that however things turned out would be the right way for them to turn out. The women that could go out with girlfriends and have a blast knowing that the guy they were interested in was on a date with another woman.

While I was absolutely more confident in my younger days, I was never confident enough to believe that the men in my life would choose me in the end.  Is it that I wasn’t confident in myself or confident in them? Not sure. And, to clarify, I am not hoping to ‘win’ Mr. OoT in the end.  We’re done.  I would like to figure out why I can’t be more of a ‘If he’s the right one for me, I’ll know it”, if he’s the right one for me, regardless of how many other women he’s dating (I’m talking about in the initial stages, btw) I’ll just go with the flow and see how things turn out.

 

 

Fireworks, Lies & Burgers July 11, 2019

So the plan was for Mr. OoT and I to spend a few days together in his hometown over the 4th of July.  I blocked out my calendar and didn’t take any jobs for 4 days.  4 whole days! Sounds ridiculous, right? 4 days would be the most time we’ve spent together (aside from trips taken) since last year.  We all know I hate his hometown.  As I realized we had been struggling (I’d have to be a complete moron not to), I opted to take the bullet. 😉

 

The day before he was supposed to come home from work (July 1st), we had a huge fight over the phone (over absolutely nothing) he basically told me to fuck off and never contact him again.  As that’s just not my style, I proceeded to call him back.  TEN times!  Feel free to unfollow me now.  In the space of being sent to voicemail ten times I spanned the breakup emotions: panic, fix it mode, super sad, super pissed and finally, just fucking embarrassed that I had reduced myself to this.

 

Okay fine.  We’re done.  Good riddance.  Too bad he owed me some $$$ that I needed to get from him. He’s always paid me back and I guess he could have paypal-ed it (I roll old school like that because, well, I’m old), but wanted the cash in my hand.

 

Long story short (HA, just kidding, are any of my stories short?), I saw him over the weekend.  July 6th, I think.  When I invited myself to his family’s bbq.  Damn, this story does NOT make me sound like a sane individual.  Moving on.  It comes out that he had taken some other girl to his family’s house on the 4th of July.  Uhm, what the ever living fuck?! Like just showed up with someone other than me when everyone was expecting me.  Like it was completely normal.

 

When I let him have it for that and tried (unsuccessfully) to explain how shitty it was for him to be able to move on so fast, he kept saying that it just happened.  It wasn’t planned. He wasn’t looking. She was a friend of a friend’s girlfriend.  It was a set up.  It all sounded like bullshit to me.  And was.  Come to find out (via snooping through his phone like a psycho) that he had been chatting with her since March when we were broken up (that’s when the initial ‘set up’ took place, so being as he thrives on word games and technicalities, he wasn’t lying about the ‘set up’ part, just the timing. Asshole).  He didn’t chat with her for a few months, but I noted, while being a super sleuth psycho, that he started back up talking to her in May and then started hard core flirting in June.  Before said July 1st breakup.

 

The messages were flirty and familiar.  Like they HAD met before.  Like he HAD been to her house.  Like she HAD been to his. All things he denied.  His main arguing point (aside from the complete violation of trust thing in going thru his phone which he was trying to flip onto me being the bad person) was that we were broken up.  Uhm, but we weren’t in May.  Or in June.  His whole ‘it just happened and I met her for the 1st time on the 4th of July’ was a lie.  A big one. While he did just meet her in person last week, he HAS been to her house.  She HAS been to his.  There was some sort of a sleepover situation on the 4th of July.  All things I found out via snooping, not his owning up.

 

All a moot point now as we’re done. For him to have moved on so quickly and to have basically arranged his ‘plan B’ before we were even done makes him a horrible human being.  Not telling me makes him a horrible human being. For as intelligent as Mr. OoT is, he has some huge dumbass tendencies.  #1 being his ability to underestimate me.  He has ‘tells’.  A lot of them.  I like puzzles.  When a piece doesn’t fit, I figure it out. I knew something was going on.  I knew he had someone else waiting in the wings.  I should have been the one to pull the plug……

 

Death, Anger Management and Family BBQs July 9, 2019

So is it weird that I asked Mr OoT if I could meet his sister from out of town that i hadn’t yet met and go to a family BBQ that his parents were having? No? Well maybe I need to fill in some blanks and then you can decide.

I haven’t written much (or at all) about Mr. OoT and I since just about the beginning of the year. Why you ask? Well that was because I was sparing you all (and myself) the annoyance of rolling your eyes and yelling at the computer.

Mr. OoT and I have issues. Big ones. He has some anger management issues. I have some ‘fixer’ issues. He has some deflection and projection issues. I have some defensive issues. We weren’t the best match to begin with (understatement of the century). Throw in that we are long distance and that makes everything a million times harder.

We’ve been in so many arguments that I’ve lost track. He tells me I fight weird. This is because I don’t engage. I allow him to go off on me and spew some of the most hateful and hurtful things at me and all I do is warn him to make sure he really means the things he’s saying as he can’t take them back once said. This usually just infuriates him more. I’m not quite sure when I became someone that would allow ANYONE to speak to me that way, but here I am. Or was.

This last time was especially cruel. He usually has a somewhat set litany of things that he venomously spews at me, but the past couple of times he’s thrown in new things to the effect of ‘the long line of women waiting to date him’. Uhm, wait, what? I know that Mr. OoT’s version of telling the truth is most rational people’s version of a lie. I know his “tells”. I know he wouldn’t have said this unless he was actually talking to other women. And he has been. How do I know? I went through his phone. And that, my friends is when I realized I was becoming a crazy person. I DO NOT go thru people’s phones. There is never anything good that can come of that. It’s a huge violation of trust and a horrible thing to do. I had to know though. And guess what? He has been overtly flirting with a couple of women. I see that as cheating and crossing the line, he does not. He feels he should get a gold star for not actually sleeping with them when he could have. Uhm no, gold stars are not given for doing the right thing and being a decent human being. Do I think he’d be flirting with other women if we were in a good place? No I don’t. As we aren’t/weren’t does that make it any less shitty? Nope.

One other thing he spewed at me was ‘no wonder you’re alone’. Sort of an odd thing for a supposed boyfriend to say, right? I realized though that he was right. I am alone. I have been for the past year. He’s not here when I need him to be. Physically or emotionally. We fight way too much. He has slowly and systematically crushed my spirit and sense of self worth. When did I become the woman that would allow that?!

I saw him over the weekend. He went off on me again. This time it was different. I fought back. Not in the insane way that he fights, but simply asked, when he finally took a breath, “are you happy now? do you feel better now that you’ve said these horrible things to me? you are truly an asshole and I deserve better” and walked out. I’ve said things to this affect before to no avail. I always counter balance his evil side in my head with his generous spirit and kind, yet hugely damaged, heart and end up giving him a pass. He never truly apologizes. This time was different.

He came to find me and when he did, he was crying. Like hysterically crying. He apologized a million ways, said that I don’t deserve any of this, that he doesn’t know why he does this, that he realizes his anger is getting progressively worse, that I’m one of the best people he’s ever met (I am), that I DO deserve better (I do), that he is going to seek some help and work on himself. He then asked if I think that some people are broken beyond repair. To which I replied ‘yes’.

Do I think he’s broken beyond repair? No, not really. I believe that truly broken people will never actually admit to being broken. Do I hope he gets some help? Yes, I certainly do. For his sake. Will I wait around for him like he asked me to? No, I absolutely will not.

Did I ask to go to his family BBQ on Sunday? Yes, yes I did. I wanted a chance to see his family one last time and get a bit of closure. None of them knew we had broken up (oh, aside from the fact that he brought a different girl with him on the 4th of July! Fucker, but that’s a story for another time). It gave me a chance to see everyone one last time. His dad loves me. His dad implored me to come visit any time, with or without Mr. OoT. That speaks volumes. His sisters were great and must have sensed what was going on.  They both said it was great seeing me and to not let Mr. OoT get away with too much.  They do know him best…..

He wants to remain friends. I said no. He wants me to wait for him. I said no. He wants me to know he will always be here for me. Whatever. Did I tell him to go to hell and never contact me again? No. Not sure why. I will stand my ground this time though.

Oh, and I told him I hated the candle he sent me. In some small way, being the petty bitch he’s always accused me of being made me feel better…..