43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Speed Dating Is Like Shooting Fish In A Barrel February 18, 2017

Filed under: bad dates,dating,interent dating,internet dating,online dating,single,speed dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:32 am

**haha, found this uber bitchy post of mine from 4 years ago in my drafts folder.  As I am more than certain that the ‘joy’ of speed dating is the same today as it was then, here you go**

Ever heard that saying? Not the speed dating part, but the shooting fish in a barrel part. Not to insult anyone’s intelligence, but it is used to describe something that is exceptionally easy. Something that takes very little effort and doesn’t come close to taking you out of your comfort zone. That’s what speed dating is for me. I can talk to a wall. I prefer not to talk to walls as it mainly earns me odd looks from people, but what can ya’ do? Unfortunately, I might have preferred talking to drywall last night as the biggest ‘connections’ I made were with 2 other females that showed up for the event. Minds out of the gutter people. I don’t mean that sort of connection. They were just nice and friendly and frankly, more attractive than ALL of the guys. Combined. 

I debated whether or not to cancel yesterday as I was tired but I opted to ‘just do it’ (thank you pithy Nike commercial). I showed up in an awesome little t shirt dress and strappy sandals and looked pretty darn cute if I do say so myself. I won’t give you the rundown on how amazingly unorganized the entire event was as no one really cares about that crap, but I will give you a rundown of all the stellar ‘dates’ that I went on. Or more accurately; endured.

There were 19 women that showed up for the event and a whopping 12 guys. Which was about 11.5 guys too many. Remember how I was worried about being the oldest one there as the age cut off was 45? Yeah, well most of the guys and a few of the women took some creative liberties with their age. Yey. Just like internet dating!

So you know the drill; sit and chat with some guy for 5 minutes and when the bell rings, you switch. Sometimes you feel like 5 minutes isn’t nearly long enough and wish you had more time, others, 5 minutes seems like an eternity. It was mostly the latter. I was assigned number 11 and was sat at a table at the end of the room facing in, so I could see every other speed dating table and thus be able to see who was headed my way. I guess so I could gauge how big a swig of my Absolute Soda I would need. In your five minute ‘mini dates’ you’re supposed to find out as much as possible about the guys and try to see if there is any interest. As I’m a fairly superficial bitch, I knew by looking at the men that there wasn’t much interest on my part so instead of the awesomely soul searching ‘what do you do for a living’, ‘where do you live’, ‘what do you do in your spare time’ questions, I just bullshitted with them. Mainly to keep myself entertained.

1st there was Sasha. A 28 year old data entry guy who spoke broken English and mumbled. No clue why he was in the 35-45 year old group, but he said he had tried his age group and ‘it didn’t work’. I didn’t ask.

Next there was Alex. A 4’10” Greek man. Who proceeded to ask me what I was looking for in a relationship while I just kinda looked at him thinking ‘really’? I could have been an uber bitch and said ‘well Alex, I’m looking for a tall man that speaks English fluently’ but I didn’t. I gave my patented bullshit response of ‘someone who makes me laugh’.

Next was Mike. A very nice man from England. Sorry, a very nice 65 year old man from England. A very nice 65 year old man from England who hates his job. Yey.

Then there was Seth. Seth was a funny and entertaining chiropractor. Although he was not hugely offensive to look at (I know, I’m a peach), he had the oddest hairline. Very high up on his forehead and straight across. Kinda disconcerting.

After that was Shaun. Shaun kinda stumbled up the steps, said ‘watch my fucking sheet’, slapped his top secret ‘yes or no’ chart on the table and wove his way to the bathroom. When he got back, he went to the bar for another drink. Darn the luck, right when he got back to me, the bell rang. Thanks for playing Shaun. You will be marked a big fat NO. Oh wait, the bell didn’t ring until after he pointed out one of the other female speed daters and whispered, at the top of his lungs, ‘that one is a fucking bitch’. Uhm……thanks.

Then there was the little man with piercing blue eyes and the worst hairpiece I have ever seen. If he was a day under 65, then I must be 12.

The chubby Asian guy was next. Don’t really recall what we spoke about. Oh well.

There was Walter who had a sparkling set of fake teeth and very pronounced lisp.

There was Roberto who had really cool hair and thought he was Don Juan.

Brian was a darling architect originally from Boston. A good conversationalist, a snazzy dresser and all of about 5’2”. Oh, and with the most fucked up teeth I’ve seen in a long time. If I was about a foot shorter, I may have actually given him a ‘yes’ as the other guys set the bar just that low for him.

The whole speed dating idea is to take notes on the guys as you talk to them (and they’re supposed to do the same for you) and then at the end, you mark either yes or no. If you mark yes for a guy who also marks yes for you, then it’s a mutual match and you get e mailed their contact information the next day.

Being the ginormous busy body that I am, I looked at every guy’s sheet to see that the majority had marked yes for almost every woman. Kinda like hedging their bets. Now not to toot my own horn, but there were women in all shapes and sizes there last night. Spanning from 35 up to 60 (at least). Of varying nationalities. It’s one thing to have an open mind and give everyone a chance, but really?!? Sadly, I have not received an e mail today notifying me of my mutual matches. I’m guessing mainly because I marked every single guy a no. Whoopsie. So yes, speed dating was like shooting fish in a barrel ……. If the fish in the barrel were chum. You know, that gross crap that fishermen use …

 

Patience Is Someone Else’s Virtue February 17, 2017

Patience is certainly NOT one of my virtues.  I’m all about instant gratification! That doesn’t mean I don’t work damn hard for the things I want, but it does mean that I have a hard time convincing myself that not everything moves along at the pace that I want it to.  Dating, in particular.  If I like someone, I expect for them to like me back (HA, we all know how well that has worked out for me in the past).  I expect them to keep in touch.  I expect, if there was a good date, that I will hear from them within the ‘3 day rule’.  I can’t stand ‘rules’.  I follow none of them.  I like to create my own.  Again, not to the most successful results.

I KNOW that not everyone thinks alike.  My god, can you imagine what a shit-show the world would be if we did?  Well, more so than it already is.  I KNOW that there are no rules.  I KNOW that people move at their own pace.  What I don’t know is why, why, why my mind always runs to the negative if I don’t hear from someone according to my timeline.  It’s so ridiculous and counter productive.  I truly believe in the pithy ‘put out into the universe what you want back’ and that ‘positivity begets positivity’.  My mind still wanders to the negative.  And not negative about the other person, mind you.  Negative about myself.  Along the lines of ‘what did I do wrong’, ‘why doesn’t he like me’ or any multitude of other self-destructive thoughts.

I’ve always been this way.  I wish I knew where it stemmed from.  I guess I’ll just blame my mother. 😉 And all the schmucks I went to high school with. Dumb fuckers

Anywhoo, I had that great date.  4 days ago.  And hadn’t heard from him since.  Of course I have annoyingly inevitably replayed the date in my mind a few hundred times trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Trying to figure out why he would walk me to my car and give me a kiss if he wasn’t interested.  Why he wouldn’t lock down another date right then and there.  I know full well that this is MY bullshit and not his.  He’s a good guy.  If he doesn’t like me, then it’s his loss (if I say it enough, I will believe it right).  That I WILL hear from him (if I say it enough, it will happen, right?).

After annoying myself trying to figure out what I did wrong and finally coming to the realization (kind of) that I did nothing wrong, that I was just being me and that if he doesn’t appreciate me with all my faults and ridiculousness, someone else will.  Who probably lives in another state, mind you, but whatever.  I swear it’s exhausting being me with my over thinking nature.

And then I get a text………..

 

So, I Had A Date….. February 14, 2017

Filed under: bumble,dating,dinner out,interent dating,internet dating,online dating,single — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:37 pm

Well, as we all know, I’ve had MANY dates.  Good ones, bad ones, annoying ones, scary ones, sad ones, amazing ones and ones that I wish had never happened.  This one would fall under the ‘good’ category.  No, not GREAT, but also not awful and honestly, one of the best dates I’ve had in a while.  Yes, I know.  I’ve set the bar shockingly low….

He was polite, kind, smart and interesting.  We talked about all sorts of things.  He is kinda fascinating.  Funny that I’ve said that about several men in the past few months.  I don’t mean fascinating in a ‘I could do an entire case study on the oddities of how your mind works’ kinda way either.  I mean fascinating as in, well, fascinating.  Apparently I’m attracted to intelligence.  Who knew?!

Well, I always did.  As we all know, I’m also attracted to ‘projects’.  He is NOT one of those.  I don’t think.  Thank G-d.  What we (and by ‘we’ I mean ‘you’) don’t know is who this gentleman is.

Did Repo Man finally come through and meet me and sweep me off my feet?  Did ‘Hi’ find his voice and conversational skills?  Was it one of the many other hot (and by ‘hot’ I mean ‘not so hot’) prospects on Bumble come through?  Was it someone I may, or may not, have met by hanging out in the frozen foods section of the grocery store?  That never works, btw.  And I only know that because a ‘friend’ tried it and only proceeded to get in the way of harried housewives and families with little kids.  Says my friend.

I’m going to hold off on saying who this was.  It was only one date.  It went well.  I hope that there will be a subsequent date (and I really think there will be), but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see…..Which, of course, means that you will have to wait and see…..

 

Cupid, That Mocking Little Shit February 10, 2017

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 10:09 am

I really wanted to call him a little f*cker, but wanted to be a bit civil.  As Valentine’s Day is in a scant 4 days, my prospects are looking a bit bleak.

Sure, ‘hi’ would be my Valentine, but I think I’ll pass.  I had hoped that Repo Man could be a possibility, but he made sure to shoot that idea to shit.  I’ve not been on Bumble lately and completely deleted my OkStupid profile 3 days after enacting it, so unless I  start hanging out in the frozen food section of my local grocery store hoping to ram my cart into an eligible bachelor or Prince Charming comes knocking on my door (literally), looks like I’m S.O.L. this year.  Same as last year.  And the year before.  And yes, the year before that.  I’m sensing a trend….

I currently have dinner plans with girlfriends for Tuesday, but may need to cancel for work.  In that case it would be me and my dog.  Super.

With tonight being a full moon though, who knows? 😉

 

I Hope No One Snatches You Up February 8, 2017

Filed under: aura,bad dates,dating,dinner out,interent dating,internet dating,online dating,single — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:55 am

So, Repo Man. The man who I have been waiting to meet for close to 4 months.  The one who got lucky ‘had a really good 3rd date’ 2 nights before we were supposed to meet way back in October.  The one that I commended on being so honest and doing the right thing by the gal who slept with him right on schedule.  No, really, as we hadn’t met, I had no reason to be upset or anything other than understanding.

Sure, I was disappointed, but I am also trying to give the universe more room to do right by me.  Although we never met, we have kept in touch.  Yeah, probably not the nicest thing I’ve ever done, but does it make it any better if he was usually the one to contact me first?  Darn, didn’t think so.  Too bad….

Anyway, we have texted more than a few times over the past 3+ months. He would usually start the text chat by asking if ‘anyone had snatched me up yet’.  We spoke on the phone once for what was a pretty great 2 hour-long conversation.  We texted pretty consistently once he broke up with bachelorette #1.  He said he wanted to take a couple of weeks off from dating.  He hoped that ‘no one would snatch me up’ before he decided to meet and inevitably fall in love with me.

We finally had our long-awaited date set for last Friday.  I was so excited/nervous to finally meet him.  We all know that I don’t stay in contact with people for so long without actually meeting them in person.  I don’t want to risk getting invested or attached before it’s been determined if there is even any chemistry before us.  As Repo Man seemed so amazing, I made the exception.  And it paid off.  Our eyes locked as soon as we met and he gave me the biggest hug in the universe.  Then he kissed me!  Woah, I know that online dating and texting back and forth for almost 4 months can give a false sense of knowing someone, but it was, in fact, the 1st time we’d met.  As it’s 2017 and I’m trying new things, I opted to just go with it.  And it was pretty great.  We proceeded to have the best time ever.  We talked and laughed and held hands and had a great time.  Oh wait, this is me that we’re talking about.  None of that happened.  Because he cancelled on me.  Again.  The day before our date.  Again.

Again it was a very valid excuse.  Someone in his family was just diagnosed with a serious illness.  I completely get it.  Take a week or so to wrap your head around it and get a handle on the diagnosis and treatment plan.  Cancel temporarily.  Postpone for a week or so.  After telling me how his relationship with this certain relative has never been great and after telling me that he feels obligated, I told him that he was doing the right thing.  We spoke for a few more minutes and then hung up.

And then it hit me.  He didn’t cancel temporarily on me.  He cancelled INDEFINITELY on me.  AGAIN.  WTF?  I get the being upset.  I get the feeling of obligation.  What I don’t get is cancelling on someone who you were supposedly overly excited to meet.  The dots just don’t connect.  I had a weird feeling all of last week.  We had texted all throughout the weekend, but then nothing for the next 4 days until I was the one to check in to reconfirm our plans.  Although he has claimed to never have lied to me and I have never doubted his intentions to meet, I feel there is something else at play. It just doesn’t make sense.  Is he back with his ex?  Did he meet someone new (again) before we could meet?  Does he really just completely shut down when something bad happens?  I sort of want to talk to him and just ask if there is something else going on instead of just assuming the worst.  But I won’t.  Even after 4 months of corresponding, I have no right.  He owes me nothing.

You know what alerted me to the fact that he cancelled not temporarily on me, but indefinitely on me?  He ended the conversation with ‘hopefully no one will have snatched you up by then’.  Super.

 

Hi There February 7, 2017

So I was supposed to meet ‘Hi’ on Thursday for what he didn’t specifically say, but I assumed was to be dinner.  As part of my ‘stop trying to manage dates’ campaign of 2017, instead of trying to steer it to just drinks, I said okay.  A girl’s gotta eat. 😉 He has checked in most days since the date was set with either a ‘hi’ (his trademark, ya’ know), a ‘how’s your day’ or a ‘good morning’.  Very sweet.  Oddly enough, his ‘good morning’ texts usually come in between noon and 1pm.  Er, technically not morning but whatever.

He messaged me today saying he couldn’t wait to meet me!  Again, so very sweet.  He then asked if I could meet tonight instead of Thursday.  I figured why not.  While still not able to get excited about the date, I was so hoping to be pleasantly surprised.  I followed all my new best friend’s/psychic’s advice on being positive and manifesting good things.

Well, let’s just call this a trial run.  I put on a cute outfit and arrived at the restaurant.  As I was early, I was waiting outside playing a rousing game of Words With Friends when he walked up.  Great big smile, shorter than me and several years older than his profile photos depicted.  He was SO nice, but the conversation was SO stilted and awkward I just couldn’t ‘connect’ with him.  To be honest, I wasn’t trying very hard, but then again, I don’t think you should have to try hard for it to happen.

We had a great dinner and he picked up the bill which was very nice (again, my new best friend/psychic/dating coach told me to stop offering to pay or split the check).  He walked me to my car and gave me a hug.

Odd things about our date:

  1. He grabbed my hand right away
  2. He then high fived me (what?)
  3. Then I got a fist bump
  4. Then he invited himself to my vacation property – WITH ME!
  5. Then, for whatever reason we were talking about taxes (shush, it just came up) and he asked me if I usually get a refund or have to pay
  6. He played with my hair
  7. He invited me to go to the mountains with him in his RV
  8. He was apparently interested in the Fitbit I was wearing, but instead of asking about it, he just reached across me and grabbed my wrist! Mind you, we weren’t even talking about it, he just randomly did this.

Now, we all know that if I was into the guy, a few of these things wouldn’t have been so odd/annoying, but as I wasn’t, WTF?  We also know that if I’m not really ‘feeling’ a date (although he felt me several times!), I will try to make myself be the opposite of what he says he likes.  If he likes Rock, I say I like bee-bop music.  If he says he loves sci-fi, I say I hate it.  If he likes to vacation in an RV, I say I prefer hotels.  In this instance, however, I didn’t need to do any of that as we naturally seem to be polar opposites with absolutely nothing in common.

I feel bad about this one.  He is a nice guy and really wants to find someone, but I’m just not her.  I wish I knew someone for him ……

 

A New Trend February 2, 2017

** Going through my drafts folder, I keep finding these little gems that although are more than 2 years old, still seem to apply to the world of online dating.  Lucky me?**

There seems to be a new trend in my stellar world of online dating.  And you all know that by ‘stellar’, I mean ‘shitty’, right?  I’ve corresponded with some seemingly really good guys lately.  There was the teacher that very sweetly declined my invitation to fall in love with me message me.  There was the terrific guy with all the water toys that seemed so sweet and kind and funny.  There was the Golfer who I actually met, liked and was looking forward to seeing again.  All of these men are different in very distinct ways.  Looks, height, education, career, age ….. they are flung far and wide (see?  I’m trying to broaden my horizons).  They all have one thing in common though.  And I’m none too pleased about it.

Each and every one of these men messaged me last.  Very sweet and somewhat flirty messages.  Messages that made me smile.  Messages that prompted me to sign on to respond.  Messages that were apparently sent mere minutes before each and every one of them either hid their profiles or blocked me never to be heard from again.  What. The. Fuck.?

What’s the point of that? I’ll never know.  At least I still have Arkansas who is currently not only bugging the shit out of me with repeated messages that go something like “hi, how are you? when can we meet?” (after I’ve told him repeatedly that I am swamped with work and that I don’t think our schedules match up).  He also sends me messages addressing me as ‘gorgeous’ and telling me that I’m ‘hot’.  Uhm, shouldn’t I find this flattering?  I don’t.  I find them highly creepy.  *sigh*