The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

2011 Cliff’s Notes January 6, 2011

Well peeps, as 2010 has concluded a year of shitty stellar dating, I figured it was time to start a new log for 2011.  It has started with me cancelling all of my online dating profiles (well, all except for that horrid POF as I can’t remember my log in information due to repeated trauma that has been in inflicted on me from members of that site).

This year has begun with me actually dating (yeah, I know, more than once) a nice man who is presently referred to as Irish Guy.  As of the writing of this post, we have yet to go for a bike ride, but need to get that taken care of sooner than later to see if I even need to keep obsessing over my neurotic internal checklist for him (no wonder I’m single, right?).

I think my final ‘stats’ for last year were something like meeting 42 guys – most only for one date, 7,800+ views of my profile on (meaning 7,000 + opted out of contacting me) resulting in a hell of a lot of entertaining (at least to me) blog posts.  As the year progresses, I will add to this post and, of course, detail most of what goes on in my world.  I take no prisoners and if a guy opts to piss me off, well, then he’s just begging for me to use his real name in here! 😉


Oh yey!  Let the fun begin! It’s been a busy day and some old players have popped back up.  Oh, and I put my OKCupid profile back up. 😉 In March, I joined not only craptastic E-Harm (for 3 months) but also Chemistry & Match (for 6 months)……… yeah, I guess you can’t win if you don’t play!

Irish Guy ~ also known as Underacheiver & Chatty Cathy ~ nicest guy ever ~ hugest case of peter pan syndrome though & irresonsible beyond belief ~ also has a bike with a flat tire! boo!  I currently dumped (as of 1/15) but doesn’t really ‘get it’ and keeps calling and texting.

FWB ~ wants me to come over and ride his bike again but has veiled the request in an invitation to dinner (dammit, he has really great taste in restaurants and wines ….. and bikes, apparently)

Gus ~ my new arrogant friend via OKCupid who is hot as hell, 35, refers to himself in the 3rd person and has just invited me to come visit anytime as ‘i’d be fun to take for a drink’ (and I can only assume by drink, he means bed).  He could be my 2011 version of TYO 🙂

IT Guy ~ funny tall guy via OKCupid who’s been e-mailing with me aaaalllll day (and i mean like 30+ e mails) and has yet to ask me out, ask for my phone number, personal e mail, anything …….. yup, I can see where this one is going already ….. nowhere (but again, this one has amazing taste in restaurants and we all know what a food whore I am) … oh wait, he’s fallen off the face of the earth

Kevin ~ stupid, shitty ex from 12 years ago who still haunts me and has just invited me to meet him in Vegas!  say it with me people ……….. NO!

Cropduster ~ most negative human being alive ~ hated him on the phone, hated him in person

Chris ~ nice guy, sorta socially awkward ~ was actually engaged to a Brazilian mail-order-bride something or other ~ yeah …… he’s just been upgraded to socially retarded ….. loser who actually ran (not walked) out the door of the bar on our 2nd date after being there for 4 minutes saying ‘he couldn’t deal’ ….. and stuck me with the check

Bandit ~ he only earns a spot on this list as he apparently cyberstalked me and found this blog – i never actually met him and am very very glad for that

Ray ~ went out with him last year and he apparently thinks he’s playing hard to get by waiting 2.5 months to call me again ~ he’s very nervous ~ he left me 3 messages ~ I never called him back …..

Kirby ~ new guy (as of 1/25) that I haven’t met yet but seems nice & fun on the phone ~ oopsie ~ he’s decided that he’s in love with someone he went out with twice, so doesn’t want to meet ~ yey~

Jack LaLane ~ wrote great e mails ~ strange phone conversation but decided to meet him anyway ~ big mistake ~ is a little wrapped up in all things active …… not a good match

Girly Haired Old Man ~ only decided to go out with him as in his 1st e-mail he invited me to an amazing restaurant in town ~ yup, I’m a bitch, but if he’s going to be dumb enough to do that, the least I can do is be dumb enough to accept

Weight Lifting Old Man ~ is ‘afraid’ of women ~ was sort of funny though until he opted to drag me into his stupid drama and then disappear ~ I think he needs to lay off the ‘roids and grow a set

On The Fence ~ might possibly be gay, don’t know yet ~ meeting him tonight for a drink at a place he chose ~ that so happens to be a well known hang out for gay guys ……. hmmm

Mr Clean ~ 6’6″, peppers his e-mails with empty compliments (one of my favorite things) and has about 42 kids running around town ~ eh, why not?

Mark – nice eyes, nice smile, every woman he’s ever met apparently has ‘issues’ and was quite possibly the quickest date ever (yet he still found time to lecture me on the state history of Arizona) ~ although he didn’t actually run away from me like that douche Fancy Pants, it was a very abrupt and strange end

Bailee. – tall, blonde, flakey. – who knows if we’ll ever actually meet as he’s flaked once already

Hal (aka Doofus) – didn’t have a pic on his profile (i know! WTH was I thinking?) – seems nice and smart and he did send me a pic. – not too shabby

Jim – resurfaced from last year – had a great phone conversation but never met as he was going to call me on the following Monday …….. I’m still waiting

Cutie Patootie – 5’9″ very smart, very sweet, very cute vegan who I met for my 1st ever morning date.  really, really like him, but not sure if it’s as a friend or anything more ……. huh, never happened to me before that i can’t decide

Rob – 6’4″ almost divorced hotel exec who’s snarky as hell (bonus), very smart (bonus), very nice (bonus), just not sure that I’m attracted to him

Mark – ex military guy from match that wants to meet for drinks …. not sure about this one

Mike – wanted to meet for drinks – was all over the text messaging me for 2 days prior, then cancelled the day of – haven’t heard from him since – no great loss

Paul – odd duck who feels the need to grill me on tons of ‘specifics’ before we’ve even met

James – nice guy from Chemistry – had fun, had dinner, had laughs ………. I outweigh him by a good 40lbs ………

David – another guy from Chemistry – took me to ‘bike week’ for some of the best people watching around!  hung out with his friends, had a great time ~ no love connection but was having fun.  Too bad when it came time to ride up to Cave Creek for lunch with his buddies, he gave me the boot!  WTF?  aside from that whole thing, he was a very nice guy and sent me a nice text later that day …….. but still, I wanted to go to lunch with everyone! 😉

Garrett – totally nice guy from OkStupid who was to meet me at the Scottsdale Culinary Festival at 3pm.  Then at 2 asked if we could make it 3:30.  Then showed up at 4.  Standing a full 2 inches shorter than he said he was.  We had nothing to talk about, he didn’t appreciate my drunked humor (what? he’s the one that was an hour late and I couldn’t let all those awesome beers in the beer garden go to waste) and he was fairly boring.  In record breaking time, this ‘date’ lasted all of 22 minutes before he departed and went back to my new beer swilling drinking friends.  Sorry, G.

Derek – snarky as hell guy from OkStupid.  Mutual 5 star rating ~ adorable (and young) redhead (i have a huge things for redheads) who is sadly an inch shorter than me.  As I liked his pics and his profile, I sent a ‘too bad I’m not a couple inches shorter’ message to which the most entertaining flurry or snarky e-mail banter that I’ve ever enjoyed ensued.  We exchanged numbers, but we’ll see if we ever actually meet up.

Tree Trunk – aka, James who was nice enough not to tell me to fuck off when I called him Jeff in not one, but two e-mail.  Yup, I suck.  6’4″ 250.  Finally, a guy (much) bigger than I. 😉

Lil’ Red – hysterically snarky & funny short guy from OkStupid – I scared him off even before we met by telling him that his incessant use of the phrase ‘cougar’ with me was pissing me off – did I forget to mention that he was 35?

Tall Red – could teach lil’ red a thing or 2 about not being a douche – 30 year old from – very  nice,  just not sure if we have anything in common

ADD Guy ~ writes the most incoherent and rambling messages ever!  I don’t know if he’s really ADD or just a tad bit ‘special’

Skinny Guy ~ met off OkStupid.  Funny, nice, got him drunk and had my way with him.  Ok, not really.  He went to my highschool, and my college, and was in the fraternity that I was a little sister for.  As he’s 3 years younger than I am, I missed him on all counts.  Called me after the date to tell me how much fun he had.  Text messaged me the next morning to tell me how much fun he had.  Never heard from him again. Wtf?

Faceless Bachelor #1 ~ met off of E-Harmony.  E-mailed him the day I blew that popsicle stand.  Very nice, a little quiet, very protective over his ‘free time’ and would rather ‘do something’ than just hang out and talk ….. huh……

Beeker ~ met off E-Harmony.  loved him in e-mails, loved him in text messages, loved him on the phone.  Hated him in person!  Very strangely intense, not attracted to him in the least and there is a distinct possibility that he is actually gay.

‘D’/ Mr Conservative ~ met off of Chemistry.  Very nice, polite guy.  Met for a drink.  Had an okay time.  No fireworks, but of course, my lack of enthusiasm seems to be very appealing.  Probably warrants a 2nd date just to make sure ~ he has reappeared after 6 weeks of radio silence ……. eh

50 Minute Date Guy ~ met off OkStupid.  3 words Fucked Up Teeth.  Creepy hug hello (in which he smelled my hair), awkward conversation, nothing in common and he still tried to lay a big ole kiss on me at the end.

Big Word Guy/ Webster ~ e mails made him sound like and ass, phone call made him sound like an ass ~ almost cancelled ~ glad I didn’t ~ he was pretty terrific in person and has invited me over for dinner – no one ever cooks for me!!!

Nervous Nelly/ Undies Guy ~ seems sort of ‘new’ to this whole dating thing and is very cautious ~ supposed to meet for dinner/drinks on Friday ~ we’ll see// idiot was 30 minutes late and made me pay for myself!  let this be a lesson.  NEVER go out with a guy who uses the word ‘undies’ ….

Mark ~ keeps suggesting times to meet and then coming up with excuses why he can’t before suggesting another time to meet and starting the whole game over again ~ let’s see if we actually meet before my patience gives out// did actually meet, had a good time, he text messages me every now and again …….. whatever

Hottie Personal Trainer ~ cute, cute, cute!  no clue if we have anything in common, but have I mentioned how cute he is? 😉 haven’t actually met yet – who knows if we will….

Cowboy ~ nice smile, cute profile, isn’t actually divorced yet – oops

Tall, Dark & Handsome ~ lives pretty far away and writes horribly boring e-mails, but hello? tall, dark & handsome, remember?

Chip ~ as in chip on his shoulder ~ highly doubt I’m going to find him attractive in person but he’s really funny and complimentary and ya’ know what?  I could use some compliments these days.  I just hope I don’t end up chopped into little pieces and shoved in the trunk of his buick

Daddy ~ no, not as in ‘who’s your’, as in all he did was talk about his kids.  thru his jacked up teeth.  and disconcerting birthmark.  totally nice guy.  totally NOT right for me.  totally liked me.  totally lied to him to end the date early and so I could stay behind and order wings. yeah, i know, i suck ~ get over it.

Tuesday Guy (who needs a better name) ~ from OkStupid, asked me out within about 30 minute ~ I went because I was bored ~ he was ‘okay’ and might make an okay diversion (i realize what a bitch I am)

TallDark ~ (yup another one) didn’t think I’d like him at all ~ showed up unenthusiastically dressed like a slob and ended up spending 3.5 hours with him on date #1 and being really attracted to him – go figure ~ MUCH better in person – of course, he’s not ready to date, so I have transitioned him to a friend…….for now 😉

6’5″ Guy ~ from OkStupid ~ was hysterically snarky and funny to begin with, then opted to change the ‘tone’ of our texting to filthy sexting without my prompting or permissing.  Hello?  This was only the 2nd time we’d even texted.  Gross.  Some of the verbs he used totally creeped me out, so he is no more.  Icky.

The Peeper ~ gave off a somewhat creepy vibe from Match so of course, I met him anyway 😉  Guess what?  he gave off somewhat of a creepy vibe in person too!  However, he also bought me many cocktails and I figured he might work as ‘filler’ (yup, i’m a bitch like that) but sadly, he kisses like shit …… not quite sure what to do with this one …….. is there enough alcohol in the world to deal with a bad kisser ‘just because’?

The French Canadian ~ from Match ~ seems like a nice guy on the phone ~ not overly enthused about meeting which means, of course, that he will inevitably love me 😉 Or not. Called to see if we could ‘reschedule’ and never did. His loss.

Boring Old Attorney – need I say more? Contacted me before he even came to town and put me into a boredom coma before he got here. I seem to have a very short attention span.  Never met him.  Lost interest 2 weeks before he got here.

Fanny Pack – was bachelor #1 in my new 5 a week assignment. Seems like a really nice guy. Totally smitten. Does not bode well for him.  Whoopsie, met and fell in love with someone else in the 5 day interim between 1st communication and actually meeting (as we never did)

Red Onesie – self explanatory on the nickname (I just hope he doesn’t wear it on our date). Very funny, but a little ‘off’ in some way. Yup, figured out the ‘off’ part. Had a really fun date. Right up until the point when he asked me to ‘help him out’. Lovely

The Winker – the perfect 1st message to me.  I loved your profile, are you available for lunch or dinner this weekend.  Now, while I will avoid an eating date at all costs (no quick escape), the sheer fact that I don’t have to waste time and energy on exchanging e-mails, texts, whatever is a big draw.  We basically know nothing about one another.  Should be interesting. Turned out to be a horrid date. He lied about what he does for a living and turned out to be a weidly germaphobic guy.

Dane – 6’6″ man who has a charming habit of looking anywhere but at me when he talks. I was concerned from our phone conversation that he would be boring and he didn’t disappoint……he was

Jason – as this one flew under my radar, I’ve opted to use his real name (and he’s lucky I don’t post his phone number as well) ~ met for coffee ~ funny, great sense of humor, not sure if i was attracted to him or not but considered transitioning him to a friend ~ that is, until he started thinking I’d be game for sexting ~ after that 1st initial hour long meeting ……… fucking douchebag
*sigh* I guess I should re-start the date ticker for 2011. Keep in mind that I wasted most of January with Irish Guy (poor lovestruck thing), and the majority of February being sick (no, not just of dating, but healthwise too ;-))

As of 9-17-11

1st Dates: 34

1.5 Dates (fucking Fancy Pants): 1
2nd Dates: 6

3rd dates: 1 (finally)

actually got up to a 6th date before the shit hit the fan

‘Views on Match’: 6,347

and our newest category:  bike rides in 2011: 3 😦


9 Responses to “2011 Cliff’s Notes”

  1. Manon Says:

    OkCupid is where I’m meeting my winners too…..and by winners I mean complete losers 🙂

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Yeah, you just have to weed thru all the meth adicts. OkCupid is a hell of a lot better than Plenty of Tools, oh I mean, Fish though. Eh, all more fodder for our blogs, right?

  2. Lan Says:

    why oh why am i only just finding your blog?? thank goodness it’s a slow winter day at work so i can read the archives.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      LOL! Welcome to my sad sad love life. Glad you found me! Enjoy my romatic pain! 🙂 You may want to grab a cocktail before delving into the archives …. just sayin’

  3. mysterycoach Says:

    Holy crap…

  4. I’m really glad that I’m not the only one dealing with guys who don’t know how to communicate. Thanks for the funny blog!!!

  5. lifeandothermisadventures Says:

    Oh, I hate when the bike has a flat tire! Boo. My ex-boyfriend had that problem too…

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