Haha! You all think I’m about to write one of my
somewhat amazingly entertaining missives on the vast array of douche bags, tools, nimrods, assholes, dipshits, prince charmings in the online dating world. Yeah, sorry, this is going to be far less interesting to read (as it’s even fairly boring to write), but as it’s just about the only material I have to work with this week, it’s what you get.
So, there are a few topics on which I am well versed – interweb dating, deciphering ‘guy speak’, dating like a guy (aka slut), how to nitpick the shit out of most things, but one that would really really have come in handy this week would be an extensive knowlege regarding saltine crackers.
As they are all that I’ve been eating for the past 3 days I must say I’m a bit bored with those little suckers. C’mon peeps, I’m a foodie for god’s sake! I like food! Square little salted mixtures of flour and water just don’t excite my palette. After a week of not being hungry/not being able to swallow (and yet, still haven’t lost a pound) I am actually hungry but the evil fucking germ gods have cursed me with not being able to ‘handle’ anything other than the lame assed saltine.
Those little suckers absolutely serve their purpose – crunched up over a bowl of spicy as shit chili, crumbled atop a delicious bowl of tomato soup, and even used as a topping for tuna noodle casserole or mac & cheese (yup, i can roll white trash old school too ya’ know) those little shits are awesome.
I’m hungry, I’m pissed, I feel like shit, I have absolutely no bike riding prospects on the horizon, I have a little mooch of a man begging me to ‘take him back’, I am missing out on some of the best weather we have here all year, I’ve been in the same gross sweatshirt for 3 days, my daily exercise consists of trudging from bed to the couch and back again, I don’t have any good movies to watch, I really want a Wendy’s vanilla frosty, and I’m not independently wealthy.
Not one of my better days ………..
*my deepest apologies for having you all read this* 😉 could I interest any of you in a free plane ticket and cab ride to my house so you can please come smother me with a pillow? bitter, party of 1, your table’s ready ………