I figure maybe if I get my request in early enough, he may actually honor it. Seeing as he’s patently ignored my previous requests for the past oh, 25 years and all. And the fact that I’m Jewish, but still ……..
My Dearest Santa Claus,
Have you lost weight? That color red looks fabulous on you! How’s the Mrs.? The reindeer? The elves? Everyone good? That’s super.
Let’s get down to brass tacks then. I don’t really believe in asking to be ‘given’ things as I am perfectly capable of getting them myself however I seem to be stumped on this one teensie weensie issue. Yes, I remember cutting off all of Barbie’s hair on that big makeup head thing I got when I was younger and I certainly hope you’re not still holding that against me (Jewish, remember?). I promise to never do anything like that again. Okay, back to my dilemma. You see, I keep searching for a normal, decent, funny, smart, witty, kind hearted, doesn’t bug the shit out of me guy. For a while now. I don’t seem to be having much luck. Sure, I’m putting in the footwork and playing the odds, but seem to be erring on the side of quantity over quality. I used to not have this problem. The guys I used to pick were good ones. I was the bitch. Well sure, I’m still sort of a bitch, but the guys seem to have changed. And not for the better. I don’t seem to be able to read them accurately anymore.
In the past, all I had to do was wear a low cut top to showcase ‘the girls’, smile a lot and toss out compliments and questions and they would be putty in my hand. Being as the male libido seems to wither away above the age of 40 though, trying to beguile them with my stellar looks (shut up) and witty personality (again, shhhhhh) doesn’t seem to be working anymore.
Sure, if I lowered my standards to I don’t know, breathing with 2 eyes, I’m sure I could have the pick of the litter (used kitty litter, that is). Is it so bad to want someone great though? Not great in an all around way as that might be reaching a bit high, but great for me. Please? I’ve been good. I really have. Well, aside from this guy. Oh, and this guy too. And him. Oh, and then there was this one. But they all really deserved it. Really.
C’mon now, I could use some help. My picker seems to be off. Not only can I not pick them anymore, I can’t seem to understand them anymore either. It’s sort of starting to really piss me off in a big way.
I’ve actually slowed down on my frenetic dating. I am a bit more discerning on who I go out with and I haven’t made out with any of my dates in a parking lot in WAY too long. 😉 I’m trying to be a good girl. It doesn’t seem to be helping. I’m not sure if I’ve just gone through all the guys in my town (yikes, but a definite possibility) or if they just don’t troll the internet, but I just can’t/don’t seem to be meeting them. Sure, I will acknowledge that I’m not ‘all that’ to everyone and I don’t need to be. There’s got to be just one guy around though that sorta thinks I’m great? Well aside from Irish Guy who still does, however I don’t think he’s so great. So if it wouldn’t be too much of a bother, as you’re helping find me a great guy, if you could make him go away, that would be awesome.
Thank you for your help and consideration. I really don’t want to have to turn into one of those desperate bar-flies that people point and stare at.
Enjoy your summer Santa & please give my best to Mrs. Clause and the elves. Oh, and just one more thing. Could he please be my height or taller. Oh and weigh at least as much as me?