Holy cow. Honest to god, this is one of the main reasons that I keep a blog. Not that I ever thought anyone would read it, but so I could put my daily life down in print as there’s no fucking way people would believe half the crap that happens to me. Tonight, thank god, happens to be a ‘good strange’ night as opposed to my usually shit-tastic stuff. 😉
So when last I left you, I was running out the door to meet Finger Foods and his cute friend for happy hour. Why running? Because Finger Foods waited 40 minutes to respond to my text and when he did, it was with a ‘Sushi Ray – 15 minutes’, which in true FF fashion, was a made up name in his world that translates to Stingray Sushi – whatever. Oh, and did I mention that I live 40 minutes away, so his ’15 minutes – be there’ thing was a bit retarded as I’ve told him multiple times that I live across town. Oh well. So I race out of the house. With really good hair, decent makeup yet dressed like a semi-slob as I thought all my plans got shit on for the night. So off I go, with my good hair and sloppy skorts and t-shirt yet sporting a big ole’ helping of cleavage so hopefully that will distract people from the rest of the outfit. Oh, did I happen to mention I was wearing bright pink flip flops as well? Yeah, I’m a vision. So I get there, valet the car as I didn’t have time to dick around with parking and race in. To find Finger Foods and his cute friend, we’ll call him “Dick” (no, not for either of the reasons you’re thinking) sitting at a table. I plop my jolly ass down, order a drink and set in with my version of the I-Am-A-Retard-And-Am-Here-To-Entertain-You-Floorshow. Dick is just as cute as I remember. Dressed nicely in a Tommy Bahama shirt, khakis and god knows what was on his feet as I wasn’t looking at his feet. I asked how he was and we started talking and Finger Foods explained that Dick wasn’t drinking as he was on his way to pick up his date for dinner. What. The. Fuck. Really? Eh, whatever. I had a good time, drank way too much in a short amount of time and when it was time for Dick to leave to pick up his date what do I do? No really, you better sit down for this as even I can’t believe it. I shook his fucking hand! Really asswipe? (me, not him) I cannot for the life of me figure out why I didn’t stand up and give him a big ole hug so he could enjoy ‘the girls’ close up and personal. Say it with me people ………..awkward! Anyway, he leaves and Finger Foods and I walk around Old Town for a bit (thank god he didn’t try to kiss me).
As he is actually from Ohio, he leaves next week for the summer. I think he’ll be back in October. I had forgotten that I offered to store something for him (no pervs, not that) while he was gone so he didn’t have to schlep it home and he remembered. Really, this is what you remember? Anyway, I pick my car up from valet, FF gives me a big ole box and fishing pole to store for him (not that is NOT a euphemism for anything), gives me a hug and away he goes. So that, my dear friends, is the end of Finger Foods until fall.
Meanwhile, in short red news. It’s actually quite strange how he sorta panicked and opted out of tonight. He said I was his 1st forray into dating someone older. Like I’m 90 for shit’s sake. Honestly little man, if I was a true cougar, a 35 year old would be waaaay too old for me. I did apologize if I scared him off from the 40+ set and he gallantly said ‘that’s okay’. Dummy. 43! drunk & stupid! big boobs! has a real job! what’s the matter with that? I guess he likes the fresh outta high school crowd …… Anyway, Lil’ and I decided to make up and be besties. Okay, not really, but we did decide to be snarky friends. Oh, and possibly each others’ wingman. This is actually an awesome option if it pans out. To have a guy to go out with, just to hang and be stupid with while scoping out the crowd for one another. Not too shabby a deal. I told him this would probably be the best option as I would most likely ‘chew him up and spit him out’ anyway. 😉 As he’s a big ole’ douche, he had to respond with something about him being ‘yummy’. Ugh. I guess we’ll wait and see if a) he does fix me up with his business partner and b) we ever do hang out. Eh, whatever.
So as I’m driving my drunk self home. Er, I mean as I’m responsibly taking a cab home, I decide I need a little fast food action. Yeah, yeah, it’s bad for me, it’s fattening, it’ll clog my arteries, i didn’t need it, whatever. The only time EVER that I allow myself Chick-Fil-A is when I’m a bit tipsy and I will usually go waaay out of my way to avoid actually passing one as I just don’t have willpower when it comes to those greasy little nuggets of peppery goodness. Anyway, I place my order, pull to the window, get my total and reach for my top secret drunken munchey cash stash that I keep in the armrest of my car. Yeah, the Vallet apparently found it and thought he might get the munchies later. I actually had to charge $4.01.
Really people, can I not have just one normal evening? Oh, what’s that? I bring it on myself? Well fuck you. 🙂 Okay, just kidding. I know I do but really ……….