WARNING!! Totally sappy, self pittying, introspective, shitty, lame, loserish post to follow. Oh and woe is me……….. run, run away while you still can……
I give up. For now. I just can’t do it anymore. All of my frenetic dating this past week (really? 5 guys in 6 days?) has proven itself fruitless. I don’t even know why I agreed to go out with so many guys. I never do that. Anyway, I did and it sucked. I’m still alone, yet overtired and sad. I have genuinely liked one of them and he has in turn decided he does not like me. There were 2 that I was on the fence about and deemed them deserving of a 2nd date, but is that what I want? Just ‘okay’? Hell no. I want better than that. I deserve better than that. I just am getting a bit concerned that I may never find ‘the one’ or anyone even close to that. I’m pretty fucking discouraged at this point and a little down on myself. Have I missed my window of opportunity to find someone? I just don’t know anymore. 😦
Look, I will never ever tout my attributes and usually play them down (a lot), but I don’t think I’m ugly. I’ve actually been told I’m awfully pretty (and they didn’t always have beer goggles on either). I have a good personality. I’m smart & witty & independent & have a good head on my shoulders. I just can’t for the life of me figure out what the hell I’m doing wrong. I’ve been out with too many guys to still be searching. I’m exhausted. And depressed.
So I met Martini Guy out for happy hour tonight (date #2) and yes, he was still nice and sweet and a really good guy, but the conversation just didn’t flow. We just aren’t on the same wavelength. Sure, I like to be jovial and find the humor in everything, but he is just a bit more serious about things. We drank, we had a good time, just nothing more than that. We hugged goodbye (i split the bill with him), no talk of ever getting together again and off I went. And ya’ know what I did? Something I never do. Ever. And although I’m completely honest on here, I am actually a bit embarrassed to admit this. I find this, and several other things that I never do (like asking for help, admitting defeat, etc….) a tremendous sign of weakness and do not enjoy allowing others to see my insecurities. *Deep breath* So I got in my car, drove home and cried. I’m not a crier. I just don’t do it ~ well, unless I drop a 40lb brick on my foot. Here’s the thing though: I really don’t know what I’m doing. What I’m looking for. I just know that as independent as I am, that I’m tired of being alone. I really am. I want someone who cares about me.
I hate sounding like a pathetic whimp, but let’s be honest here. I’m 43 fucking years old. I’m tired of looking. Just look at my Cliff’s Notes for 2010 & 2011 above. Really? Who the hell dates so many guys and still hasn’t found one to last past date 3? I realize that ‘real world’ dating works better than ‘online’, but I do not have single friends, I do not go out a lot on my own, I do not work in an environment that enables me to meet new people. I do not have time for hobbies or clubs or whatever else people suggest as a way to meet new people. Internet dating is a necessary evil. And right about now, evil is the perfect word for it. I screen, I read between the lines, I over-analyze, I pass up a lot of invitations, sticking to the ones that I think might have potential. Yeah, that’s not working too well for me.
I’m just tired. Tired of dating and tired in general. I’ve got way too much on my plate right now for one person to handle. I guess I go out so much as an escape from dealing with my everyday shit that consumes pretty much my every thought. I don’t sleep much. I find it difficult to turn off my brain and stop all my ‘lists’ from whirring around. I go out, I drink, I have fun, I don’t worry about ‘the real world’. And then it all comes crashing back down. A former blog pal on here who pretty much thinks less than nothing of me these days lives in a self-proclaimed ‘paradise’. I would absolutely kill to live in paradise as well, but I wonder if that would alleviate all my other challenges and unfulfilled desires.
I’ve considered moving in the past. As if a change in geography is going to find me what I’m looking for. Who knows? It could or it couldn’t. Sadly, I’m just not in a position right now to even find out. I travel, I take little trips when I can. I act like an ass and entertain the masses. Am I a happy person? Yup, I pretty much am. Do I try to push all of my ‘shit’ to the side and not let others see it? Yes, I try my best, but who knows.
I honestly don’t know how to go about this any other way. I try not to lose faith and do go out probably more than most. I am honestly looking. As there is no one banging down the front door of my house, this is how I meet people. I just don’t seem to be doing so well. Did I miss my window? Am I too old to find a great guy for me? I never really thought so in the past, but now I just don’t know. *sigh* I think it’s time for a break. Time to concentrate on my business and all the other peripheral things going on and try not to worry, at least for a short while, so much about finding ‘the one’. I think he probably lives in Maine anyway, and as I have no future plans to visit anytime soon, I guess I’ll just keep spinning my wheels and searching in vain. 😦
As if all of this isn’t bad enough, my dog is slowly ingesting the wooden footboard to my bed 😦