43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Uncle ……. May 12, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 12:15 am
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WARNING!! Totally sappy, self pittying, introspective, shitty, lame, loserish post to follow.  Oh and woe is me……….. run, run away while you still can……

I give up.  For now.  I just can’t do it anymore.  All of my frenetic dating this past week (really? 5 guys in 6 days?) has proven itself fruitless.  I don’t even know why I agreed to go out with so many guys.  I never do that.  Anyway, I did and it sucked.  I’m still alone, yet overtired and sad.  I have genuinely liked one of them and he has in turn decided he does not like me.  There were 2 that I was on the fence about and deemed them deserving of a 2nd date, but is that what I want?  Just ‘okay’?  Hell no.  I want better than that.  I deserve better than that.  I just am getting a bit concerned that I may never find ‘the one’ or anyone even close to that.  I’m pretty fucking discouraged at this point and a little down on myself.  Have I missed my window of opportunity to find someone?  I just don’t know anymore. 😦

Look, I will never ever tout my attributes and usually play them down (a lot), but I don’t think I’m ugly.  I’ve actually been told I’m awfully pretty (and they didn’t always have beer goggles on either).  I have a good personality.  I’m smart & witty & independent & have a good head on my shoulders.  I just can’t for the life of me figure out what the hell I’m doing wrong.  I’ve been out with too many guys to still be searching.  I’m exhausted.  And depressed.

So I met Martini Guy out for happy hour tonight (date #2) and yes, he was still nice and sweet and a really good guy, but the conversation just didn’t flow.  We just aren’t on the same wavelength.  Sure, I like to be jovial and find the humor in everything, but he is just a bit more serious about things.  We drank, we had a good time, just nothing more than that.  We hugged goodbye (i split the bill with him), no talk of ever getting together again and off I went.  And ya’ know what I did?  Something I never do.  Ever.  And although I’m completely honest on here, I am actually a bit embarrassed to admit this.  I find this, and several other things that I never do (like asking for help, admitting defeat, etc….) a tremendous sign of weakness and do not enjoy allowing others to see my insecurities.  *Deep breath*  So I got in my car, drove home and cried.  I’m not a crier.  I just don’t do it ~ well, unless I drop a 40lb brick on my foot.  Here’s the thing though: I really don’t know what I’m doing.  What I’m looking for.  I just know that as independent as I am, that I’m tired of being alone.  I really am.  I want someone who cares about me.

I hate sounding like a pathetic whimp, but let’s be honest here.  I’m 43 fucking years old.  I’m tired of looking.  Just look at my Cliff’s Notes for 2010 & 2011 above.  Really?  Who the hell dates so many guys and still hasn’t found one to last past date 3?  I realize that ‘real world’ dating works better than ‘online’, but I do not have single friends, I do not go out a lot on my own, I do not work in an environment that enables me to meet new people.   I do not have time for hobbies or clubs or whatever else people suggest as a way to meet new people.  Internet dating is a necessary evil.  And right about now, evil is the perfect word for it.  I screen, I read between the lines, I over-analyze, I pass up a lot of invitations, sticking to the ones that I think might have potential.  Yeah, that’s not working too well for me.

I’m just tired.  Tired of dating and tired in general.  I’ve got way too much on my plate right now for one person to handle.  I guess I go out so much as an escape from dealing with my everyday shit that consumes pretty much my every thought.  I don’t sleep much.  I find it difficult to turn off my brain and stop all my ‘lists’ from whirring around.  I go out, I drink, I have fun, I don’t worry about ‘the real world’.  And then it all comes crashing back down.  A former blog pal on here who pretty much thinks less than nothing of me these days lives in a self-proclaimed ‘paradise’.  I would absolutely kill to live in paradise as well, but I wonder if that would alleviate all my other challenges and unfulfilled desires. 

I’ve considered moving in the past.  As if a change in geography is going to find me what I’m looking for.  Who knows?  It could or it couldn’t.  Sadly, I’m just not in a position right now to even find out.  I travel, I take little trips when I can.  I act like an ass and entertain the masses.  Am I a happy person? Yup, I pretty much am.  Do I try to push all of my ‘shit’ to the side and not let others see it?  Yes, I try my best, but who knows.

I honestly don’t know how to go about this any other way.  I try not to lose faith and do go out probably more than most.  I am honestly looking.  As there is no one banging down the front door of my house, this is how I meet people.  I just don’t seem to be doing so well.  Did I miss my window?  Am I too old to find a great guy for me?  I never really thought so in the past, but now I just don’t know. *sigh*  I think it’s time for a break.  Time to concentrate on my business and all the other peripheral things going on and try not to worry, at least for a short while, so much about finding ‘the one’.  I think he probably lives in Maine anyway, and as I have no future plans to visit anytime soon,  I guess I’ll just keep spinning my wheels and searching in vain. 😦

As if all of this isn’t bad enough, my dog is slowly ingesting the wooden footboard to my bed 😦


30 Responses to “Uncle …….”

  1. mysterycoach Says:

    Hey Honey 🙂 I understand exactly how you feel. I don’t know if this will make you feel better but : (I hate to make this numerical but … heh I don’t want to forget anything)

    1. Moving is never the answer we take us where ever we go. 🙂 Not meaning “at all” there’s anything wrong with us, it means that we are who we are and location isn’t going to make our core personality or beliefs any different than they are today. Although, I do think in different areas people are a hellofalot nicer. Paradise is nice and all I guess … but Paradise lives with you every day in what you do and who you are. (I think you know this too) It’s not contingent on some one elses thoughts, perceptions, assumptions of you or “anything” you do. F@#$ them…

    2. What your looking for is right here in the stories about your dates. We have preferences as to what we like, they may deviate a bit here and there with some things, but the core things we’re really attracted to, like a persons nature, their sincerity, where they are in life and other things (that only you can fill in the blanks about) how REAL they are as a person (if you’re looking for down to earth like me) all those things are here in your blog. You take all the bad stuff, write it down flip the list over to the positive of the bad and you’ll have a nice … start as to what’s most important to you. Oh yah 🙂 Of course I’ve done this for myself. Leave variables of course you’re smart as a whip so maybe I don’t have to say this.

    3. I think about the guys I’ve missed right? That I’ve met on the internet … and MAN am I grateful. I am … and you know this, you’re just tired at this point, (I hear ya) See, if a person doesn’t call me, initially … yah little bit of a bruised ego, disappointment etc., all the things you talk about here, but that’s not a reflection “on me” per say. To me, it’s … I’m grateful they don’t call because I may have settled for less than I deserve. (I know you know this too)

    4. You are not too old… you’re never too old to have what you want in your life. As a matter of fact, our life experience helps us chose a better partner. Some people find the love of their lives at 50 years old honey. Personally (while I’d hate that) if I have to wait another 5 yrs., however I stick to my beliefs and find a person who I truly like, inside and out (and lets face it out is going to go south eventually, it’s who we like on the inside that is most important) that will be my … payoff for having had the good sense to not just settle for someone who is almost what I want. I want the whole package as to what I’m looking for.

    5. Every time we go on a date, and it doesn’t work out, it leaves a mark. It’s a little insignificant disappointment initially, however we do it enough it “can” (don’t have to) lead us to believe that we’re never going to find love. After a while, we find we beat ourselves up as if we’re not enough … this is not true. You DO deserve what you want … look at the perseverence you’ve had with your business and other things going on and the successes you’ve had! You’re looking for that guy that “gets you”. Amen to that 🙂

    I know you’re just venting and fed up here… and I also know you probably know all the stuff I’m saying already. I think it’s a good idea to take a break. You’ve got one hit after the other and I’m sorry, whoever says that’s okay, just keep trying, don’t give up … is right, but only in part. On some level it does just feel bad. Specially when you’ve put such effort into it. I”m not saying give up, not at all… I am saying, take the break … breath a little bit. You are not old, you bring a lot to the table, you’re smart, funny as sin, successful, and a bunch of other good stuff. I empathize with how you feel here.

    What you want exists. Maybe try not to inundate yourself so much with so many people. It’s like one disappointment after the other. They build up, they leave a mark we feel bad. All it means is that we haven’t found the guy yet who makes us happy. Frustrating, definitely… but honey, you’re not old.

    Listen… I just met you, my opinions and thoughts are … you know, just me sharing. I love your honesty here and last year I felt this way myself, not that I was too old but moreso that what I want, doesn’t exist. I’m wrong. It exists … and it’ll exist for you too. Take a break, please don’t be too hard on yourself (been there) … you may have read about country boy on my blog. We were on different pages BUT he brought a lot of the things I wanted to the table. LOL Just not his heart… which, I mean, I even understand that. Didn’t like it but I understood it. So, it exists … you’ll find it. Is this too long? LOL

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thank you MC (i’m a list maker too). I do know everything that you told me, but it’s good to be reminded of it instead of just getting bogged down in the minutiae of it all.

      And you’re right about reading back through my blog. That’s a main reason of why I started it. To remind myself of what I want and what I don’t.

      Patience is NOT one of my virtues however 😉

  2. ifUseekAmy Says:

    I couldn’t agree more with everything that MysteryCoach said above.

    It’s completely natural and normal to get or be down every once in awhile and have a good cry. (At least that is what I keep telling myself when I break down, but then again, to quote my oldest brother “Amy will cry at the drop of a hat”, so perhaps I am not the best voice of reason in this scenario.)

    The right person is out there for each of us. It may take *longer* for some of us to finally be with that person, but it will happen. IT WILL.

    I always think of that “Sex & the City” Charlotte quote…”I’ve been dating since I’m fifteen. I’m exhausted! Where the hell is he?!?!”

    Dating IS exhausting. Exhausting to think about, exhausting to worry about, exhausting to carry out. EXHAUSTING!

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks Amy. I always think of that Charlotte line too! 😉 I know there’s someone out there for me, I just hope I find him before I have to drag my oxygen tank around with me everywhere.

      I am so not a crier, so it caught me a little off guard ….

  3. Tallcoookie Says:

    Hey dirty ……
    My only advice is this………
    Try some “bitter apple” spray on your footboard of your bed to keep poochy from eating it …….. and , as my mom always says “hang in there” :0)
    as my shrink says ” these are current thoughts for the current time , they will pass and it is best not to give the unhealthy areas too much attention and not to make any lifes decision from that place …… Instead “become the horse” (my phrase) … A horse in the field takes a bite of grass, takes a step and takes another bite of grass ….. Moving continously ….. they do not stand in one place and eat all the grass and then start on the dirt !!! our unhealthy thoughts should be like that …… When they come in our
    head …. Take a bite, acknowledge the motivation behind them (lack of sleep, rejection ect….) and then MOVE ON !!!!!! Don’t overthink and dwell , you are a fantastically sharp , witty , snarky beautiful arm having (the only part I can see :0) woman ….. And you will be fine and live a wonderful life …. With or without a man !!!!!!!!
    And you are NEVER too old for anything……I am just now starting nursing school for my RN degree….. at 44…….heaven help anyone that tries to tell me I’m too old …….. I kick thier scrawny “boobs where mine used to be” butt !!!!!!!
    You are great…..and your blogs make my day !!!!!!!

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      OMG TallCookie! Where have you been? I’ve missed you! Thank you for your very kind words and your great analogy regarding the horse. It makes perfect sense. I try not to dwell, but last night was just a culmination of this past year and a half …… not good.

      You are going to be an awesome nurse! That’s so great that you’re doing that!

  4. cousinbette Says:

    I’m sorry you are feeling so low, but sort of happy that I’m not the only one feeling so massively jaded, and I’ve only been doing it for a few months!Had the most bizarre telephone conversation with guy yesterday to fix a date. Having second thoughts but will probably go anyway – what the hell. Sounds like he’s looking for ‘trophy’ partner to ‘hostess’ dinner parties. Not me, is it?

    Anyway, don’t get despondent. Sorry you had to have a weep, but ya know, it’s like lancing a boil – good for you in the long run. And my God, the relief!

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks so much Bette. It’s hard not to get jaded with the revolving door of tools that is internet dating 😉 go out with your trophy seeking guy, have fun, have cocktails and then go home and block his profile if need be 😉

  5. Oh – I didn’t realize you were so down last night. I have been there – after one of the firemen dates I was just so fucking dejected and tired tired tired of going on date after date with people I had no interest in. I cried all the way home. (And, of course since we are the same person, I never cry either – which actually makes it feel much more cleansing when I do.) I believe I also declared to my friends that I was DONE! Well, guess what. After a couple weeks of not even going on to Match and hanging with friends, I cheered up and got back on the that horse (bike?) with a new perspective. Did things change? Not really.

    The thing with all this dating is that you’re spending time going out and communicating and neglecting your friends and other things that do make you happy. But you do have to do it. Take a break – don’t even go online. That’s why I became so business-like (I even had guys comment that I was very business like about setting up the date). I did not want to exchange more than a couple texts or emails and really, I don’t need to talk to you on the phone either. If you insist, we can have a phone conversation, but if you don’t pull the trigger and ask me out after a couple e-mails, I will. Let’s just meet for a quick drink and go from there. Because changes are, I won’t have an itch to go on a bike ride with you anyway and my time is valuable – do you know how many Real Housewives franchises there are?

    I’m sorry….. at least you have Chelsea this Friday. And I’d much rather go with a friend than some lame guy anyway. (Sorry, all you lame guys, but girlfriends are way more fun.) 🙂

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      we ARE the same person Click 🙂 I totally know you’ve been where I am right now. I am taking a break. I need it ……

      Oh and I hope I’m not the one to break the bad news …… The DC Housewives wasn’t picked up for a 2nd season ….. sorry 😉

  6. everevie Says:

    Hi Grey…I feel like I could have written this post (minus all the dates) too. I’ve been overwhelmingly discouraged lately. So, I feel like any advice I would give you, will be hollow and hypocritical. 😦

    But…I am sorry you are feeling so blue. I wish I could do something to boost your spirits a little.

    You really are a beautiful woman…and you work your ass off. You are kind and nurturing…smart as hell…funny too. (And gosh darn it! People like you!)

    The man who will win your heart, is going to have to be something special…I think your guy is out there, but he’s not ready for YOU yet…he’s still percolating. 🙂

    Oh…and I do think you are doing the right thing by taking a little break.


    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks for all your kind words (and sweet lies) Evie. I appreciate it. I already feel better today. The fact that I don’t have to worry about what I’m wearing or saying or how I’m being perceived is sort of a nice feeling 😉

  7. You are not alone, Grey. I could have easily written this post! So, if that is any comfort, you’re not alone. One of the best decisions I made last year, was to start a blog and follow all of the other single bloggers out there. It has validated me in a way I can’t even describe. I’m surrounded by married (most with kids) friends and not one of them really has a clue what I’m going through. They don’t know the struggle to meet someone and the horror of going on a kajillion terrible dates.

    While I’m not too happy that we all have to go through this, it IS comforting to know that we can all offer each other support.

    Let yourself feel whatever you need to right now and take care of you. A break from daily dating might be what you need right now – and that is A-ok.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thank you so much for your nice comment and insight. I couldn’t agree more about the ‘camaraderie’ of single women on here ~ it is nice to know (in a depressing sorta way) that it’s not just me.

      I so appreciate everyone that i’ve ‘met’ thru blogging

  8. Surrey gal Says:

    I’m so sorry to read that you are down. 😦
    There were so many wise things already said in the comments that I can’t add much more…
    It is normal that sometimes you get tired by dating so many guys!! Who wouldn’t! It’s a tiring job.
    But I’m sure one day you will meet the one who will be right for you, and you will know, and he will know.

    Not much of consolation, I know, but you have to think positively and be optimistic about it…

    We all have our “other half of an orange” somewhere there…

    You are beautiful inside and out, and smart, and funny, and one of a kind! The guy whom you will chose will be a lucky one!

    p.s. maybe it’s not a man you are looking for, maybe it could be a woman? 😉

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      erm ……… i’m pretty sure it’s a man Surrey, but thanks for throwing that option out there 😉

      you’re very sweet and I appreciate your encouragement ~ although not a fan of oranges myself, i get your point 🙂

      hell, it could be worse …. i could have my mother staying with me 😉

  9. stevesw Says:

    I understand the frustration you are going through. Yes, I’m a guy, but the dating world, if you remove the numerical imbalance between men and women, is a dealer of frustration to both sexes. Enough academics, which I is fard from, and seriously, your post had me thinking all day. I asked myself what is a good description of my dating history since my divorce, and the answer was ‘companionship.’ I’m frustrated because I have not met a woman that I want to ask out in hopes of starting a ‘love’ relationship. And yes I worry about age; I saw my fiftieth birthday before my divorce. So, hang in there Grey Goose and let your frustration out in you Blog; we’re listening!

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thank you so much Steve. I could only assume that the same frustrations exist for men as for women, but it is nice to hear a male perspective. It just gets a little disheartening sometimes. Hell, I can’t even find anyone that I want to hang out with (well, that will give me the time of day after meeting them 😉 ), much less fall in love with.

  10. Fun Philly Says:

    Damn it, I had a truly great comment ready to go, not noticing that my cursor was sitting over “Log Out”. I moved my hand and you know what happened, smfh. So u have to settle for this shitty second hand text.

    I know how you’re feeling, I get this way sometimes. It gets harder to shake off the older we get because with youth, for most of us, comes optimism. We think we have forever to find “the one”. As we get older, we lose that optimism but the possiblity is still there.

    Internet dating is “easier” for me too but it is frustrating. Internet dating really isn’t that much different than RL dating. If you were dating in RL instead of the internet, you would come across the same losers. Remember poor Laverne on Laverne and Shirley? Remember Chrissy and Janet on Three’s Company. Although those were television shows they did depict single women of that era, which is why they stayed on the air for sooo long.

    Didn’t mean to go on for so long. You can’t get discouraged GGD because after a while the guys you go out with will pick up on it.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks Kay but remember, apparently apathy works in my favor on dates. Too bad it’s with guys I’m not interested in, but still 😉

  11. I’m sorry you were feeling this way (and hoping the feeling has passed by now)!

    Unfortunately I don’t have the time to read through all the comments now, so forgive me if I’m repeating what someone else has said.

    But have you ever tried to just accept the fact that you might be stay single? And I don’t mean in the “I’m never gonna find a man so I’ll tell everyone it’s by choice and secretly be really unhappy” kind of way. I mean just really try to imagine your life alone and how that would look and the plusses in that.

    I have a few girlfriends who are 30 and have never had a relationship last more than a few months. And they are desperate now. They keep wondering if it’s them something’s wrong with or what they’re doing wrong. And the men can feel that desperation. I have (often) felt the “fear” of never meeting someone. But then I remind myself, that I was in a 10 year relationship with a very kind, loving, caring, smart and funny man. He just wasn’t right for me and I wasn’t happy.

    So I know 100% that it’s better to be alone that with the wrong guy. Do I miss waking up next to someone? Of course. Do I hate seeing happy couples kissing in the street? Well… I try not to, but honestly they can depress the hell out of me sometimes. But I still feel that all this is better than being with the wrong guy. And you’re smart enough to be able to know and accept the same thing.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks BAS. Honestly, NO, I don’t imagine never meeting the right guy. I will never settle (which is why it’s taking me so damn long). I have no desire to spend the rest of my life alone.

      I’ve done it for 43 years. I’m happy with myself and have had a great (okay, good) life. I do want someone to share it with.

      Desperate? Never. I don’t NEED a man in my life, I WANT one. 😉 He’s out there somewhere dammit. 🙂

  12. mysterycoach Says:

    I know I’m a pain in the butt … (snicker LOL) Sometimes we don’t get what we want, we get what we need. No, No… not being contradictory it struck me when I ready your response.

    I’m not desperate either, I’m not in any particular hurry but it would be nice to meet the person for me. Here’s to us (raise glass ~ clink) finding what we need 🙂 🙂 Hell if a 19 year old boy (see my yesterday’s post) can figure out women it can’t be that difficult for an adult male to bring good things to the table.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Want, need, whatever. He’s out there somewhere and will love me despite all my shortcomings and not just because I have a snazzy oxygen tank (as I assume I’ll be about 90 by the time I find him) 😉

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