43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Chelsea Needs A Bar Of Soap May 14, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:09 pm

So last night was my big ‘girl date’ with my friend Michelle.  After the whole annoying wardrobe ordeal (in which I ended up wearing a brown and cream zebra print shift & gladiator heels), we were off.  We had dinner at a great place downtown where I had actually been before, with this guy.  It was voted one of the top ‘date’ picks in the valley due to it’s great atmosphere.  Haha.  I guess it works for girl dates too.  Michelle and I had an awesome dinner and split a bottle of wine.  We ended up eating at the bar as although we were there uber early, it was packed.  There was a family sitting next to us.  Mom, Dad and 20 something daughter.  As they were ‘loud talkers’ we over heard that they were going to the Chelsea Handler show as well.  And the daughter starts gushing over how much she ‘looooooves’ Chelsea.  Okay, I do to, but I don’t think in a million years I’d go to her show with my mother.  But that’s just me. 😉

We head out and get to the venue.  One of the rare ones that sells alcohol.  Well, semi-alcohol.   Well, really friggin’ expensive semi alcohol.  We each opted for what had to be a 24oz thirstbuster size Smirnoff Ice thingie.  Eh, it was either that or beer.  We got to our seats (which were pretty darn great) and proceeded to critique the crowd.  There were all kinds there.  Young, old, well dressed, horribly dressed…… a nice lesbian couple sitting behind us struck up a conversation with us.  Uh, yeah …….. you’re nice and all, but you do realize we don’t actually play for your team, right?

The show was awesome!  She had Brad, Heather & Josh opening for you.  Brad was hysterically self deprecating.  Hell, how can you not be when you’re a pasty white, 5’7, curly red-headed Jew?  Then came Heather and she was just quirky and funny.  Brad did the majority of his act on farts and other inappropriate bodily noises.  I love comedy shows ’cause the language is just vulgar.  The topics are just well, vulgar.  Vulgar = funny!  So the lights dim again and on comes Chelsea.  Who looked as if she had spent exactly 1.7 seconds getting ready.  I don’t know what the hell she was wearing, but Michelle swore that it was a beach coverup and not a stitch of makeup.  Her hair was in a word, gross.  I think she may have actually just come from the pool!  The venue had huge projection screens on either side of the stage, so although we were up close (which, in the end, at a comedy show, doesn’t matter all that much – just fyi), we were still able to get a good shot of her looking exceptionally haggard on the screens.  Odd, she’s younger than I am, and I promise I look 10 years her junior.

Anyway, once I got done flinching from the shock of her appearance, she was flippin’ hysterical!  Made fun of her family, her little niece’s lisp, some a-hole in the crowd sitting up front, and some other random stuff.  She was just funny.  And inappropriate.  And has a mouth like a trucker.  So all in all, although she could have done with a shower beforehand, you gotta just love anyone that your mother would suggest having her mouth washed out with a bar of soap.  Something to which I am unfortunately well acquainted with from my childhood. 😉

It was a great night and yes, although it would have been great to be with a guy, it was fun to be out with a girlfriend.  Sure, no kiss at the end, but fun. 😉

Oh, and as an added bonus, Michelle threatened to bitch slap the 2 young girls sitting next to me who played with their phones throughout the entire show if they didn’t turn them off.

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6 Responses to “Chelsea Needs A Bar Of Soap”

  1. stevesw Says:

    Sounds like you had a great time. Which proves a point, why I personally do not like the idea of women having ‘girl dates,’ they make it a lot harder for men to live up to their enriched expectations.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      I had a great time Steve. Not to worry though. As great as ‘girl dates’ are, there are a couple very specific (and important) factors missing. Like the ability to make me all neurotic or worry what style of undergarments I’m wearing. 😉

  2. Okay. fine … I now officially love Michelle but am jealous they actually had alcohol there. Bonus!! My low rent Chelsea night if John Capurillo at the local comedy club was pretty good too. And I will not mention the fine after-show bike ride.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      I love John Capurillo! Michelle will be thrilled to hear that you no longer hate her. If you could stop rubbing in the bike rides though, that would be much appreciated. 😉

  3. everevie Says:

    Sounds like a great night…the perfect girl date!!


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