I’m sure you all figured this out weeks ago, however I seem to be a bit daft when it comes to self assessment lately. Sure, I see things fairly clearly, it’s just that my mind likes to put a little ‘twist’ on things when I’m being neurotic. I hate that term. I pretty much am that term. I over analyze. I nay-say. I question myself. I hate that. I didn’t used to be this way. I am a very confident person (no really). Hell, I’ve survived this long on my own and neither live in a cardboard box or a loony bin. I am not heavily medicated or curled up in the fetal position most days. My life is pretty much the same that it’s always been. Sure I’m older (chronologically, not mentally, btw), but my circumstances haven’t changed much through the years. I’ve always lived a very frenetic and stressful life. I always have too many balls in the air at one time. I’m always worried that I am going to let someone down.
Lately though, it seems that the person that I’ve been letting down the most is me. I have somehow morphed into this insecure, needy, whiney, annoying mess. Believe me, I know. I annoy myself. I really do, 100% (okay, maybe only 95%) blame it on internet dating! It’s tough on one’s ego. I used to be able to do it without getting invested at all. Went out purely for fun and never had any expectations therefore was never disappointed. I never questioned myself. Anyone that wasn’t interested in me was deemed a moron and it was their loss, not mine. Where did this mindset go? How can I get it back?
I am an optimist at heart. I do not want to admit (or even consider) the possibility of failure. In life, in dating, in love, in anything. That’s just not how I’m wired. If I allow myself to get bogged down in all the crap that seems to surround me on any given day (and yes, I am including guys online 😉 ), I will just shut down. With too many things racing through my thoughts, I will get overwhelmed and instead of prioritizing, I will opt to do nothing. Sort of the ‘bury your head in the sand’ approach hoping that it will all just go away. If I don’t acknowledge it, it isn’t so.
So here’s what (thank you Andy Cohen, for that phrase as well as jackhole as that’s another favorite of mine); I am making a conscious effort to not care so much about my love life (or loveless life). I cannot continue to get invested. I turn into a stupid mess. Sure, I will still get excited about certain guys, but I will do my best to neither show them, or admit to myself that I am. I turn into a retard. I don’t like questioning myself. I don’t like feeling insecure. I do deserve a great guy who makes me happy and loves me for me. All my neurotic tendencies and bitchiness included. 😉
One of my favorite bloggers, Pammy Girl, just started online dating (heaven help her) and she seems to suffer from the same afflictions that I have regarding men. She said that she either likes them and shows them her ‘crazy’ side too soon and scares them away (which I don’t really think Pammy has a crazy side as she seems pretty damn terrific to me), or she decides for no specific reason that they don’t like her and then she proceeds to push them away. I swear, she and I must have gone to the same school for neurotic and dysfunctional dating. That’s exactly how I’ve been lately. If I’m completely honest with myself, it’s how I’ve been for a while. I need to get back to my ‘go out, have fun, expect nothing’ mentality and just see how things go. Not to try to force the issue, not to decide (without being told or shown) that the other person isn’t in fact interested. To just go out, have fun, and see. To contact guys that strike my fancy and realize that if I don’t hear back that it’s their loss and not mine. To not pull out my stop watch from the time I send a message until the time I get a response. I have no idea how the male mind works. I just assume it’s pretty fucked up in there. What with sports, and strip clubs and pissing contests, I can only imagine there is a very limited space for ‘dating’. That’s not my issue, that’s theirs.
So with this being said/declared, let’s see how long it takes me to post another
annoying neurotic post about a) how long it’s taking someone to respond to a message assuming that he isn’t interested b) how l ‘hope’ that so and so likes me back or c) how woe is me is my friggin’ dating life. Everyone has issues. Everyone has challenges. It’s all in how you choose to deal with them. I am choosing to (try to) pull my head out of my ass and not be such a fucking moron when it comes to guys. 🙂
Oh, and my vote, btw is for me to be able to last until Tuesday before reverting back to my annoying ‘why doesn’t he like me’ mentality 😉