43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Good Riddance May May 31, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 12:18 am
Tags: , ,

And hello June.  Damn if May wasn’t a weird assed month.  One of the busiest work wise in probably 5 years.  One of the weirdest, date-wise of probably the past 2 years.  May held the craptastic idea of a date-a-thon which was a fiasco.  May held my beloved Chelsea Handler show.  Not sure who remembers, but the entire reason I purchased 2 tickets way back in February was with the sole purpose of having an excuse to call and invite Lemon Zinger (that asshole).  I didn’t.  That’s a pretty big step for me.  Possibly I’ve finally realized that I’m just making an ass out of myself by contacting him.  Ever.  If he wanted to talk to me, he knows where to find me.  If he wanted to see me, he could.  If he meant any of the bullshit things he said to me, he wouldn’t have acted that way in the first place.  The fact that he still hovers around in the back of  my mind bugs the shit out of me.  I can go weeks without thinking about him, but then something always triggers him back into my subconscience.  I don’t know why I would sell myself so short.  We were a mess to begin with.  Fairly certain he was living with someone else at the time which is fine and good as he didn’t owe me anything, however it would have been nice to know the truth.  And for him not to have ended our nothing pseudo whatever with a ‘if only our timing were better, I would have loved to see where this could have gone’ dear john e-mail.  Dumb fucker.  Mind games suck.  And apparently stick with you.

Ah holy hell, that isn’t what this post is supposed to be about and here I am rambling on about him.  2 fucking dates.  That’s it.  I’m an idiot.

Anyway, I was bound and determined to call 5 hour 1st date tonight.  Yeah, I know, why now after hemming and hawing about it for 3 weeks?  Why not?  I had it all worked out.  Totally knowing that I would go straight to voicemail, I had the perfect message to leave (thanks to all of your input).  “Hi ****, it’s me.  I hope you had a great Memorial Day.  As work has finally slowed down and the world didn’t actually come to an end last week, I thought I’d give you a call and see if you wanted to do something this week?  Just let me know  (insert phone number here).”  So I would leave that and fully expect to wait to hear an answer.  Probably the 2nd Tuesday of never.  But I didn’t.  The fact of the matter is that he’s another Lemon Zinger.  Why do I waste my time wondering/worrying/whatevering about guys that don’t give 2 shits about me.  I’m a smart gal.  I just can’t seem to get the whole ‘he’s just not that into you’ thing into my head.

I don’t know where these insecurities have crept up from.  They didn’t used to be here.  They’re unwelcome and annoying as hell!  I’m apparently not the awesome catch that I once was.  Sure, I’m still a pretty damn good one, but older.  And harder.  And tougher to get through to.  I write stuff on here that I would never tell anyone in real life.  I certainly wouldn’t tell anyone that I was dating.  One of my new blog friends, Cate, wrote a great post regarding ‘role relations’ between men and women.  That with independent and strong women (me), men don’t feel needed.  And they want to.  How do I balance my fear of letting someone see that I’m not capable of doing absolutely everything by asking for help?  I’ve been on my own for too long.  I see asking for help as a sign of weakness.  I know it isn’t.  It’s just how my screwy mind works.

Anyway, hopping out of my head for the rest of the night, here’s what May has brought:  (yey! another list)

1) dates with 7 guys (that’s ridiculous)

2) a 2nd (and last) date with one of them

3) a 3 week hiatus from the craptastic world of online dating

4) 4 graduation parties

5) 2 memorial receptions

6) 5 realtor functions

7) a good 1st date where the guy actually set up a 2nd date instead of leaving me wondering

8.) a couple new potential 1st dates

9) a greater appreciation for all my wonderful blog friends that take the time to read my crap, comment and offer much appreciated advice

All in all, a fairly exhausting month.  Have I learned anything from it other than the fact that scheduling 6 dates in 5 days is an absolutely retarded thing to do?  Eh, probably not.  I survived though.  I survived good dates, and bad dates.  I survived stresses from a million outside sources.  I lost my smile for a couple of days, but have regained it.  I know what’s important.  I have what’s important.  Having someone to share it all with would just be icing on the cake! 🙂

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8 Responses to “Good Riddance May”

  1. You’ve been on more dates in May than I have in my entire life! I really need to get moving once I’m back in a sane country…

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      believe me BAS, my date count is nothing to be proud of …. I’d rather have a low number full of really good guys instead of my inordinately large number of mediocre ones

  2. jgavinallan Says:

    Ellen:

    I need a notebook when you post—you are writing…a Bible of dos and don’ts for dating

    hugs Jaye

  3. cousinbette Says:

    I was having the ‘role’ conversation with my (long term married) sister this evening. Her theory is that you have to appear to need them, without being/seeming massively needy, whilst not needing them at all. I told her to go boil her own head. I haven’t got a clue what she’s talking about. All that acting seems like a lot of hard work to me.

  4. cateohara Says:

    Hey Ellen,
    You’re sweet for linking to my blog 🙂 And I would hate it if for one second you thought you needed to be any less independent, or strong, or vocal or you!
    I think there are men out there who are secure enough to want a woman who is independent and strong. I don’t intend to be any less of either. But I think, for me, sometimes I get so caught up in being able to do anything and everything myself i forget that once in a while, a guy might actually *want* to do some of these things for me – and not because I can’t but because he likes me and wants to make my life a little easier.

    The same way you would pick up dinner for a friend having a bad day, or offer to walk her dog or pick up the dry cleaning. Because you care and want to show her that.

    Please, continue to be exactly you! The world needs more that 🙂
    c.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      nothing sweet about it Cate, I like your writing and you have much better epiphanies than I do 😉

      thanks for your nice words. i do think I need to find a way to be not quite so independent (even if it kills me to ask someone to do something that I’m perfectly capable of doing) 😉


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