43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

I’ve Done Something I Probably Shouldn’t Have June 11, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 6:20 am

*warning*  this is neither a light hearted missive about all the retards that contact me from dating websites or anything fun in general*  read at your own risk*

Or should I have?  I don’t know.  Nope, this isn’t about text messaging, or a guy, or dating in general.  It has to do with my (ex?) best friend.  We met in college and although from two completely different backgrounds (she actually brought a Louis Vuitton steamer trunk to spring break in friggin’ Mexico), we just hit it off.  She’s got a good heart, a wicked sense of humor and we had more fun in or years together than any two people should.  We vacationed together, were roommates, went out almost every night (in between studying in the library, that is) and often laughed until our sides hurt.  After college we moved to the same town, still got in the same trouble and continued on.  She got married (to a total dickhead who I told her was not a good guy – she didn’t listen) and I was her maid of honor.  I was there for the birth of her 1st daughter.  And her 2nd. And her 3rd.  I was there for her when she got divorced.  And remarried.  She moved out of state about 10 years ago and of course, it was tougher to keep in touch.

Our lives were running completely different course.  I was working my ass off, dating (eternally) and trying to forge a life on my own.  She was wrapped up in her kids and her new husband.  Doesn’t matter, I still loved her.  Our contact became much less frequent.  She was busy running carpool and hanging out with soccer moms and I was busy being single.  I don’t think this should matter.  A friendship is a friendship through whatever changes in circumstances there are.  We would exchange e-mails, facebook messages and the occasional phone calls.  It would be several years between actually seeing each other.  She always knew I was there for her though.

She called me in January of last year to tell me that her dad was in ICU up in Idaho (she lives in CA) and was alone.  She didn’t ask me to come.  She didn’t have to.  The second I got off the phone with her, I called my boss for job #2 and told him I had a family emergency and needed to leave town (i was damn lucky he didn’t fire me for just bailing like I did), I turned over a job I had to a competitor in town and booked the next flight out to be with her.  I stayed in Idaho, sitting by her dad’s bedside with her for 7 days.  That’s what friends do.  When her 16 year old daughter ran away from her ex husband’s house in the middle of the night last summer, she called me to go look for her.  And I did.  And when I found her, 3 hours later, all the way across town, I brought her back to my house to stay with me.  Again, that’s what friends do.

Now while I know that our lifestyles are drastically different and she has her ‘soccer mom’ friends to hang out with, I never really imagined us being anything other than great friends.  Always.  Apparently I was wrong.  She’s the gal that takes 2 months to respond to an e-mail, if at all.  The one who doesn’t return phone calls.  The one that posts her ever single move, minute by minute, on Facebook for the world to see.  Including me.  I can see when she’s out with friends.  I can see when she comes to Phoenix to go shopping and doesn’t let me know.  I can see when she’s out to dinner in town ‘with friends’ and if I’m lucky, I get a last minute call to meet for breakfast the morning that she heads out of town.  I don’t get it.

As I have a shitpot of ‘ick’ going on these days, and it would be totally awesome to have my BFF to talk to about things, I’ve been realizing just how one sided our friendship has been over the past several years.  That makes me sad as hell.  And feel taken advantage of.  I never said anything to her, but started to add up all the unanswered phone calls, messages and whatever else.  I realized that I generally hear from her when she needs something.  I had resigned myself to not being friends.  People change; circumstances change.  Apparently I didn’t fit in her life anymore.  Hugely sad, but whatever.

Then I get this effusive message from her via Facebook (the root of all evil) apologizing for what a bad friend she’s been, about all the crap she has going on in her life with her kids, her husband and her dad.  She seemed fairly contrite.  I love her.  She’s my bff.  Although I considered not doing so, I responded.  I empathized with all that she had going on.  I told her I missed her.  I explained that it’s been hard seeing how many times she’s been to town without letting me know.  How it’s hurt my feelings and how I was sorry that things have apparently changed.  I told her not to worry, that we would always be some semblance of friends. 

I get no response.  Nice.  I also see that another friend of hers had posted that they were out getting rip roaring drunk on the night that she wrote me.  Great, a drunk message.  Akin to ‘I love you man’.  I couldn’t believe that I had just poured my heart out to her and she ignored me.  So what did I do?  Take the high road?  Hell no, not this time.  I wrote a completely shitty message back to her stating that I should have known better than to think she’d respond, or care or whatever.  I pointed out that I would drop absolutely anything in my life for her if she needed me and couldn’t even be bothered to respond.  I was pissed.  I was being a huge baby.  I had just poured my heart out only to have her ignore me (we all know how much I hate seeming vulnerable or letting people see my usually well hidden insecurities). I sent it.  And felt like shit after doing so.

She sent me a response that made me feel totally guilty.  About how she has no time for ‘friends’ with everything else she has going on.  That her life revolves around her kids.  I know that.   The thing is, I SEE when she’s out with friends (she’s a total facebook whore and updates her every move).  Although her response to me was a bit fabricated, it totally hit the mark.  I feel like shit.  Friends are friends through good and bad.  There shouldn’t be a scorecard kept.  I do feel as if she’s taken advantage of my good nature (yes, I actually have one – sometimes), but I don’t think I should have layed a guilt trip on her.

I didn’t respond to her last message.  I don’t know that I will.  I have no clue what I would say.

I still can’t decide who’s right or wrong in this whole scenario.  It shouldn’t matter.  I just don’t like feeling like an idiot.  And I do.  Damn ……….

.

(nope, this doesn’t fit the ‘theme’ of my blog one little bit, but it is my blog after all, about my life, and it’s not always fun being me – or knowing me – or dating me – go figure)

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15 Responses to “I’ve Done Something I Probably Shouldn’t Have”

  1. jgavinallan Says:

    Ellen: This is not Eastern Philosophy…it actually comes from Brooklyn. I was in a similar situation…not quite as intense…but seemingly at odds or misunderstanding of a long-time friend.
    The woman told me…”She hurt you…ok…but it happens. Does the one or two times…or the week she didn’t speak to you…does that cancel the other times when she was a good and loyal friend(which outweighed the transgression).
    Do not be afraid to apologize to a friend…she may think the same. She will realize you were hurt because you care so much for her.
    Good Luck…take time away from dating—little bit and work on this

    hugs
    Jaye

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks Jaye. Sadly, it’s been more than one or two times. It’s been pretty consistent over the past few years that I’ll only hear from her when she needs something. In return I can’t even get her to return a phone call or send off a 2 minute e-mail. I know in the end that it’s just me being immature, but it’s also a shitty feeling to know that I don’t ‘rank’ high enough on the priority list for her to want to keep in touch ……… not sure what i’m going to do …

  2. Surrey gal Says:

    You were not a big baby. You were hurt, and rightly so.

    Friends are friends and no score should be kept, but if one person totally ignores the other, and this is how it looks from your post, then things are not right! If she was really busy with kids all the time, than perhaps I could understand that. But if she is coming to your town and having fun with others and not inviting you, or even giving you a call, then things are totally wrong and you have total right to be upset.

    I am this gal who takes two months to reply (eventually I always do, though). The one that doesn’t return the phonecalls. I’m guilty of that, I admit. I do it to everybody. But all my friends know it and are used to it. But I always at least call when I’m in my hometown and catch up with my old friends. And they are not even my best friends.

    I can understand that life can get busy and it’s difficult to stay in touch. I really do, like I said, I’m not the best in keeping friends. But a real friend is something special, and one should ALWAYS find some time, even if it’s just a small phone call.

    I think you totally shouldn’t feel shit and guilty, and don’t allow her response to do that to you. It’s her who should feel shit. The truth is, if she wanted to, she would find time, even if it’s only 5 minutes, wouldn’t she?

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      You’re right SG, thanks for your viewpoint. That’s what I think too. It’s just so one sided and I just don’t ‘get’ it why I’m a good enough friend when she needs something, but not when it’s just to say hello.

  3. This is actually a hard one for me, cause the last time I had a bff was when I was 13.

    Of course a friendship isn’t about scorecards or keeping tabs on who does how much for whom. However, I believe that every healthy relationship has some kind of balance over the long run. And it sounds like there hasn’t been any balance in yours for many years. Honestly, I can’t see what you have to apologize for. On the contrary, it sounds to me like she’s taking advantage of the fact that she knows how to make you feel guilty in stead of responding to the things you wrote to her.

    If you wrote something rude or very harsh to her then sure – go ahead an send her an “I’m sorry”. But just make sure that she understands that the other problems are still there. That’s the best advice I can give. Hope it helps.

    Hugs,

    BAS

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Hi BAS, nope, I didn’t write anything mean. I just wrote her how I was feeling and she did dance around everything and instead made her own excuses. It’s just tough to think that such an old friendship may not be around any more. 😦

  4. Girl, don’t beat yourself up about it. Your gut is always right, and you know in your heart it was one sided and you were taken for granted. Been there done that. It hurts, it sucks…but sometimes you have to walk away for your own good…good luck xoxo

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks RP. Pretty sucky feeling. I appreciate your kind words. Sorry you’ve been through the same.

  5. Tiny Temper Says:

    Sweetie, I really feel for you.
    Don’t know if this is any consolation, but I’ve had friends like that over the years – I helped the first one through her divorce, drove her places, looked after her kids, ‘hid’ her and her children in my house for three days when her hubby was on a drunken rampage, cleared up her smashed house when he became violent. What did she do for me? Gossiped about me behind my back, telling everyone we knew intimate details about a court case I was involved in (long story. Ex husband wanting custody of my kids).

    With the second friend, she came to me for EVERYTHING – money, food, childcare, worries, relationship hassles. When her teenage daughter got pregnant, I was the one she called – I knew before the daughter’s father – I was the one to sit the daughter down in my house and cousel her about whether to keep the baby. When my friend’s bi-polar son went on a rage in her house, I was the one to phone the doctor and clean up the house. I supported her for years through everything. One day she just dropped me, choosing to side with the bloke I’d just broken up with.

    I haven’t spoken to either of them since. I’ve got a theory about this: In life you’re basically a giver or a taker. If you give, you do it freely and with love, expecting little in little. Takers are basically selfish – they’ll take as if it’s their God-given right.

    I wonder whether these people get ’embarrassed’ about being the needy one, whether being friends with someone who gives, makes them feel ‘weak’, whether they’re just trying to discard their old self, because they don’t like the persona, or they wanna disassociate from it.

    The only thing I will say (after that great missive!!) is: be careful – if you forgive, you could leave yourself wide open to this kind of abuse again in the future.Some relationships are just damaging. Sometimes you have to stop the cycle, forgive, forget and move on.

    Much love XX

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks Tiny. It’s good to see you!

      This is just a crappy situation all the way around. It’s just tough, we’ve been friends for so long. Or at least I have. 😦

  6. Matthew Says:

    This is a tough situation. Don’t discount it for anything.

    All being said and done though, friendships (like any relationship…romantic, platonic, business, etc) need to be equal. There needs to be balance. Ever since learning that lesson back in 2005, after a REALLY bad romance, I have never forgotten it.

    Don’t feel guilty about laying into her. It’s something that needed to be said and that she needed to hear. And I’m waving a giant BS flag at her “I don’t have time for friends” comment. Even with her Facebook updates set aside that sounds like a complete cop out.

    Sure, I don’t have kids. I know they are a lot of work and they essentially become a very large part of your life (as seen from my sister with my niece and nephew), but that doesn’t stop her from having a life and keeping those people who are close to her…close.

    Life does catch up to us. I know I’ve been guilty of being a “poor” friend with some people in regards to keeping in touch, e-mail responses, text messages, phone calls, and even the root-of-all-evil Facebook contact; but that doesn’t change the fact that if one of those people had a hammer fall on them that a flight (or multiple hour drive) would without-a-doubt be in order.

    A very close friend of mine (and former roommate) in California called me a little over a year ago in a panic due to some major money troubles and was literally on the verge of being evicted from her apartment. She didn’t even need to ask. I immediate asked how much she needed and that she could pay me back at her leisure.

    As you said, that’s what friends do.

    There are few people I would do something like that for. However, she is a giver. As am I. We both often place others before ourselves.

    This sounds like you. Your friend…I’m not so sure. I haven’t met her so I can’t pass judgement.

    Don’t regret sending your message. It needed to be said. Whether you believe it or not, I think you did take the high road. The ball is in her court on showing where your friendship stands.

    It sucks seeing something dissipate, particularly an obvious strong friendship. But people do change. Lives interfere. But actions often speak louder than words. You have proven this to her many times. Now it’s her turn.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks Matthew. It’s hard not to feel bad though even though I probably shouldn’t. Tricky waters, these long time friendships are. Although I do know everyone is busy, I have just a frenetic life as anyone else and I always make sure to respond to people ……. Eh, what can ya’ do?

      You sound like a great friend to have! 😉

  7. mysterycoach Says:

    Everyone has such good comments here. She flipped it on you and has no idea how hurt she’s made you feel. I have a friend who is going through a divorce, she goes out much like this person you’re talking about “never” invites me, yet I was good for 5 years to go over and keep her company when she didn’t go out. I’ve asked her point blank and much like this person you’re talking about, she was clueless and said she wasn’t sure why she hadn’t included me. I figured problem solved. I was wrong.

    I know she’s busy etc., but on Facebook, she has updates on where she’s going etc., pics of herself out and doing things and … suddenly? I am not a thought. That’s very hurtful to me. I understand she’s changing and going through a lot, I’ve struggled with the whole “she’s my friend” thing where I give her space but much like your situation, she doesn’t return texts e-mails or Facebook responses. The other day, she was talking about how she wished her close friends didn’t live so far away. I put a post and said “I live right here”. No response.

    Personally, while I care about her, I’ve found myself feeling more hurt than not lately. So, I’ve stopped texting, emailing or otherwise. I’ve told her if she needs me, I’m right here but I can’t chase her and make her open up and talk. She has to let me know. Aside from that I’ve left phone messages and I’ve texted as well. So, I just … do not understand her thought processes. Little by little I accept that she’s going a different way in life and when we see each other, that’ll have to do. What gets me? Is she does have time for everything else … and can’t respond to a simple text. So… I just don’t extend myself as I used to. If the guy she’s seeing texts her? I know he gets an immediate response, so what? I’m chopped liver? I’ve already made mention of it to her, the only thing I can do? Is just accept that things are changing.

    It is hurtful too, but what can we do? People do what they’re going to do. I have no control over it, I’ve already expressed myself to her and it’s all that I can do. Just accept this change and see what happens. I’m sorry your friend isn’t taking any responsibility for how she’s made you feel. That just stinks…

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks MC. You’re right. People are who they are, and there is nothing that anyone can do to change that. ;-(


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