*warning* this is neither a light hearted missive about all the retards that contact me from dating websites or anything fun in general* read at your own risk*
Or should I have? I don’t know. Nope, this isn’t about text messaging, or a guy, or dating in general. It has to do with my (ex?) best friend. We met in college and although from two completely different backgrounds (she actually brought a Louis Vuitton steamer trunk to spring break in friggin’ Mexico), we just hit it off. She’s got a good heart, a wicked sense of humor and we had more fun in or years together than any two people should. We vacationed together, were roommates, went out almost every night (in between studying in the library, that is) and often laughed until our sides hurt. After college we moved to the same town, still got in the same trouble and continued on. She got married (to a total dickhead who I told her was not a good guy – she didn’t listen) and I was her maid of honor. I was there for the birth of her 1st daughter. And her 2nd. And her 3rd. I was there for her when she got divorced. And remarried. She moved out of state about 10 years ago and of course, it was tougher to keep in touch.
Our lives were running completely different course. I was working my ass off, dating (eternally) and trying to forge a life on my own. She was wrapped up in her kids and her new husband. Doesn’t matter, I still loved her. Our contact became much less frequent. She was busy running carpool and hanging out with soccer moms and I was busy being single. I don’t think this should matter. A friendship is a friendship through whatever changes in circumstances there are. We would exchange e-mails, facebook messages and the occasional phone calls. It would be several years between actually seeing each other. She always knew I was there for her though.
She called me in January of last year to tell me that her dad was in ICU up in Idaho (she lives in CA) and was alone. She didn’t ask me to come. She didn’t have to. The second I got off the phone with her, I called my boss for job #2 and told him I had a family emergency and needed to leave town (i was damn lucky he didn’t fire me for just bailing like I did), I turned over a job I had to a competitor in town and booked the next flight out to be with her. I stayed in Idaho, sitting by her dad’s bedside with her for 7 days. That’s what friends do. When her 16 year old daughter ran away from her ex husband’s house in the middle of the night last summer, she called me to go look for her. And I did. And when I found her, 3 hours later, all the way across town, I brought her back to my house to stay with me. Again, that’s what friends do.
Now while I know that our lifestyles are drastically different and she has her ‘soccer mom’ friends to hang out with, I never really imagined us being anything other than great friends. Always. Apparently I was wrong. She’s the gal that takes 2 months to respond to an e-mail, if at all. The one who doesn’t return phone calls. The one that posts her ever single move, minute by minute, on Facebook for the world to see. Including me. I can see when she’s out with friends. I can see when she comes to Phoenix to go shopping and doesn’t let me know. I can see when she’s out to dinner in town ‘with friends’ and if I’m lucky, I get a last minute call to meet for breakfast the morning that she heads out of town. I don’t get it.
As I have a shitpot of ‘ick’ going on these days, and it would be totally awesome to have my BFF to talk to about things, I’ve been realizing just how one sided our friendship has been over the past several years. That makes me sad as hell. And feel taken advantage of. I never said anything to her, but started to add up all the unanswered phone calls, messages and whatever else. I realized that I generally hear from her when she needs something. I had resigned myself to not being friends. People change; circumstances change. Apparently I didn’t fit in her life anymore. Hugely sad, but whatever.
Then I get this effusive message from her via Facebook (the root of all evil) apologizing for what a bad friend she’s been, about all the crap she has going on in her life with her kids, her husband and her dad. She seemed fairly contrite. I love her. She’s my bff. Although I considered not doing so, I responded. I empathized with all that she had going on. I told her I missed her. I explained that it’s been hard seeing how many times she’s been to town without letting me know. How it’s hurt my feelings and how I was sorry that things have apparently changed. I told her not to worry, that we would always be some semblance of friends.
I get no response. Nice. I also see that another friend of hers had posted that they were out getting rip roaring drunk on the night that she wrote me. Great, a drunk message. Akin to ‘I love you man’. I couldn’t believe that I had just poured my heart out to her and she ignored me. So what did I do? Take the high road? Hell no, not this time. I wrote a completely shitty message back to her stating that I should have known better than to think she’d respond, or care or whatever. I pointed out that I would drop absolutely anything in my life for her if she needed me and couldn’t even be bothered to respond. I was pissed. I was being a huge baby. I had just poured my heart out only to have her ignore me (we all know how much I hate seeming vulnerable or letting people see my usually well hidden insecurities). I sent it. And felt like shit after doing so.
She sent me a response that made me feel totally guilty. About how she has no time for ‘friends’ with everything else she has going on. That her life revolves around her kids. I know that. The thing is, I SEE when she’s out with friends (she’s a total facebook whore and updates her every move). Although her response to me was a bit fabricated, it totally hit the mark. I feel like shit. Friends are friends through good and bad. There shouldn’t be a scorecard kept. I do feel as if she’s taken advantage of my good nature (yes, I actually have one – sometimes), but I don’t think I should have layed a guilt trip on her.
I didn’t respond to her last message. I don’t know that I will. I have no clue what I would say.
I still can’t decide who’s right or wrong in this whole scenario. It shouldn’t matter. I just don’t like feeling like an idiot. And I do. Damn ……….
(nope, this doesn’t fit the ‘theme’ of my blog one little bit, but it is my blog after all, about my life, and it’s not always fun being me – or knowing me – or dating me – go figure)