43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Beauty Is Pain June 12, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:15 pm
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Or equally as accurate:  beauty is a pain.  In the ass.  😉 We all do things to make ourselves feel better.  Be it get our hair cut or colored, go to the gym, tan, work on our posture, whatever.  I don’t color my hair.  I’m lucky enough to be blonde and as I have a multitude of natural shades going on from dark blonde to very light blonde, those pesky greys that I have appear as highlights!  Ha!  I actually had my niece compliment me on the highlights in my hair as my old lady greys seem to grow in little sections and do, in fact look like platinum highlights.  Who the hell cares about my hair though, right?  I was thinking last night of the things that I have had done this year to make myself feel better.

I had my teeth whitened about 2 months ago.  Something called ‘Zoom’ that is sort of like a midevil torture treatment where your teeth hurt like hell during and after due to the process of apparently stripping your teeth of enamel.  Crazy process, but good results.  As I get complimented a lot on my smile (yup, I’m not always a scowling snarky bitch), I figured it couldn’t hurt and ya’ know what?  They look good.  I didn’t do it for anyone else though.  I did it for me.  I have to stare at my teeth twice a day when I brush them, so I figure I may have sparkly whites to stare at.

I have also embarked on another, more sinister, process.  Laser hair treatments!  Holy cow.  Who’d have thought that you could just laser away hair and it wouldn’t come back!  People have it done on their legs, their armpits (ouch), on their sad little old lady moustaches, and yup, in order to landscape the bike path.  Of course I picked the bike path route.  Hell, someone may see it one of these days.  Now I have a good friend who is having the same process done and she described the feel of the laser like having a rubber band snapped at you repeatedly.  Uh, that certainly doesn’t sound comfortable, but I guess it’s one of those ‘no pain, no gain sorta scenarios’.  I figured hell, it will make my life easier in the long run and as an awesome discount ran on Living Social (gotta love that website) the other day ($99 vs $600), I jumped at it.  When deciding which area to do, I remembered a hugely crass blog post from someone (a guy, no less) who talked about having women ‘do what they need to in order to ‘polish that thing and make it shine” (or something equally as retarded).  Like it’s a fucking worry stone down there.  What an ignoramus.  But I digress.  So yup, I opted to have my bike path properly landscaped.  I was offered the option of upgrading to the ’12 year old’; a charming phrase coined by my wonderful friend Click to describe what a Brazilian looks like.  Ha!  I opted out of that nonsense!  I kinda think that any guy that prefers their women totally bald, may have latent pedophile tendencies, but that’s just me.  Anyway, I was a bit nervous about having someone fiddling around down there (especially without even buying me a cocktail first), but it wasn’t like rubber bands being snapped at my nether regions (thank G-D), and wasn’t too bad at all.  What is too bad is the fact that the 6 treatments need to be spread out over 6-8 months though.  Damn that’s some commitment!

So as I was wearing my touch-up teeth whitening trays last night (which make you foam at the mouth and kinda drool like a rabid dog), I was thinking about all the things that women go through to make themselves feel pretty.  It’s more than nice lingerie or yummy smelling perfume.  There are some real hardcore options out there: botox, plastic surgery, juvederm, veneers, etc ….. Although I’m not to the point where I want to do any of those, I figured ya’ know what?  To each his own.  Do what you need to in order to make yourself feel better.  But hopefully you are doing it for yourself, and not some silly guy.

Unless we’re talking about the bike path here ’cause really, it’s not like we look down there all that often. 😉

Damn it’s been a while since I’ve made a crass TMI post.  You’re welcome 😉

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19 Responses to “Beauty Is Pain”

  1. jgavinallan Says:

    Ellen:
    I clicked—like—but really I do not like this post. You seem very down. I love your work because you are so strong. Strong about things that I wish I could be strong about.
    I don’t understand all the methods you outlined about being pretty in the last paragraph…I think you do not need them. Your mind is so quick…and I know you have “looks” because some men act silly and say stupid(or write ) stupid things to you. A sign that you are attractive.
    Be strong…
    love and hugs
    Jaye
    xoxox

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      I’m not down at all Jaye. I blog about whatever enters my silly head at any given point of time. I hadn’t realized that this post had a negative undertone to it.

      And thank you for the compliment, btw. Not having actually ‘seen’ me, no, I’m not entirely hideous. And now I’m not entirely hideous with really white teeth! 🙂

  2. Catherine Says:

    I do think it’s a lot of work being a girl. I had to get my nails done for a wedding…and considering I don’t have nails… I had to get fake nails. Those suckers hurt! I haven’t had fake nails since high school. But damn it….I feel pretty and feminine. I’m trapped! I also dye my hair blonde. It takes 3 hours and $120. But I love it. I’ve finally gotten it to be the blonde I want (after years of trying and ending up with platinum or yellow hair) and I’m happy to finally enjoy it. No matter how much it costs or how long it takes. 🙂

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Hi Catherine! I’ve never had fake nails before, but will absolutely steer clear of them now. 😉

      That’s the thing with these ‘optional’ grooming things ~ if it makes you feel pretty, then it’s well worth the time and money! 🙂

      Congrats on getting the ‘right’ shade of blonde too!

  3. I agree with you that women put a lot of effort into ‘maintenance’. Whereas men generally feel like they’ve got things together if their genitals aren’t on display. And that’s only fussy men that worry about that.

    I’m pleased you didn’t go for the Brazilian. Not because I spend a great deal of time (haha — I just re-read this before posting and want to clarify for any pedant who might misinterpret me … NO TIME AT ALL!) pondering the landscaping of your nether regions. Not because I have any experience with a Brazilian makeover. But because at some level, any kind of makeover has to be about you.

    Guys, in my view, only care so much about the details of make-up, make-overs, and hair. If you’re with someone for any period of time, you’re going to see the ‘real’ them without any of that (think of the pic Russell Brand tweeted of Katy Perry — if he likes the ‘morning’ her, yay for him). Whether the guy be Webster or any other future stud muffin, he’s going to fall for the real you. And minor landscaping is more than enough with all your other nice attributes…

  4. My main mission right now, is lose the muffin top. For me. I am done with it. 🙂 Otherwise I am pretty low maintenance…I like it that way 🙂

    • I have a recent bad experience with asking exactly this kind of follow-up question, but …. what is a “muffin top” ?

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      You’ll lose that muffin top soon enought RP! Low maintenance is good! I usually am too ……… usually 😉

      SD, a ‘muffin top’ is when women have a little extra something something peeking out above our waistbands. It’s just a little extra weight around the midsection is all.

  5. In the Middle East, most women have all body hair removed (except of course eyebrows and lashes, but I’m sure you get the drift). Personally, I just feel a lot cleaner with the full brazilian. But speaking from my (and my friends who I’ve spoken to about this) experience, any woman who says a brazilian is about fulfilling a guys fantasy simply has not been on a bike ride without the hair. I know it sounds strange, cause how much can hair actually get in the way down there? But to me there’s a hugh difference and I have a hard time imagining going back to having hair even if I was with a guy who wanted it.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Wow BAS. Very educational. In more ways than one. 😉 I had no idea that Middle Eastern women were fairly hairless below the neck. I had heard about the sensitivity factor being hightened though. I’m going to have to take your word for it though. 😉

  6. I say more power to you girl. Hell, I had a boob job when I was 28, not because I wanted bigger boobs, hell I just wanted some boobs where there used to be some. After bearing two children, (and putting on 50 lbs with each pregnancy) and quickly dropping back to a buck three sopping wet, it wreaked havoc on the ol girls.

    Standing in the mirror and looking at what used to be my boobs was now baron with nothing but saggy skin. I did it for myself no one else, and you know what? 16 years later these puppies are still holding up pretty well, and I don’t regret it one bit. Obviously, in a few years I’ll need some “maintenance” work. I won’t go bigger, I’ll stay the same size which is in proportion to my body weight and size.

    Hell, I’ve even had Botox once, but that was to get certified in injecting it into other people. We had to administer it to one another in order to pass the class. Most people don’t know this, but one has to really understand the facial muscles and how they work in order to successfully inject it. Otherwise, you get the look of Liza Minelli’s crazy ex husband.

    Although, if I were going to have facial work done, I’d wait until my late 50’s and take the route of Rstylane, as I think it gives a more natural look.

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      1st off, WTG on losing the baby weight so fast – twice! That’s impressive. Sorry your boobs when with it though. 😦 I think plastic surgery is an important thing to help make people feel better about their self image (especially if your boobs just up and disappear one day). Good for you!

      Too funny on the botox and Liza Minelli’s ex 🙂 That’s what I’ve always been afraid of!

  7. I didn’t see anything negative in your post. (Of course I know where you’re coming from and we’ve discussed this 😉 ) Everybody does things to make themselves feel and look better. You have a heathly self-esteem and aren’t looking for anything out of the ordinary… please, a little bike clearing is just good spring cleaning. And teeth are meant to be white.

  8. everevie Says:

    Well, I have a scary story about laser hair removal…

    I bought a package deal of treatments for my lower legs last year…and everything went fine during the first 4 sessions (yes, it’s about 6 weeks between appts). The 5th appt was just after the 4th of July and I’d been tanning all summer…and had just come home from the lake…so I was really dark.

    My tech and I had formed a pretty cool rapport (he was a totally funny gay guy) over the months of my treatments, so I trusted him. That day I came in, and he looked at my legs and said I might want to wait a week or two because I was so tan. He implied that my only risk was that it wouldn’t be as effective on tanned legs…no dire warnings of anything else.

    I’m a huge procrastinator…and I knew if I put it off…it would be a month before I got back in…so I just said no…I’d rather not wait. So he proceeded w/the treatment.

    Now…I have a very high tolerance to pain, and although the laser seemed to be a little bit “snappier” on my skin…it wasn’t bad…just a little different than usual. So, when the tech asked if I was okay, I told him it was a kinda bad, but nothing I couldn’t handle…so he kept going.

    After he was done…I was in the lobby waiting to set my next appt and I started feeling like my legs had a really bad sunburn…but, I was still okay. I got in my car and they started burning…I got a mile away and they were searing…I got a few miles further and I was in intense pain. I had one thought: Get home. I was crying and writhing in pain by the time I got home. I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t lie down. I filled the tub with cold water and added all the ice from my freezer and got in…it barely gave me any relief. I was in agony.

    However, I’m a stubborn little bitch and refuse to ask for help. Ever. So I suffered, alone. I managed to find some leftover codeine from an RX and took that. I layed out ice packs on my bed and kept my legs covered in ice-filled rags. Eventually the drugs kicked in and I fell asleep.

    I woke up to both of my legs, from the knees to ankles, covered in burns…badly blistered, huge welply burns. The pain had subsided to an ache…so, I did what any normal person would do…I got ready and went in to work.

    Cut to the point: My physician bosses made me go to the emergency room. I had 3rd degree burns all over both legs. Being that it was 30% of my body, they considered admitting me (wtf?) b/c of the risk of infection. Instead, I had to take a tetanus shot and some strong anti-biotics.

    The fear for me was that I’d be horribly scarred for life. I had Hypopigmention all over my legs (white spots that might never get re-pigmented). It’s been almost a year now…and about a month ago I only had slight marks left…so I went to a few tanning sessions to see if my legs would tan evenly…and they did!! Yay!!

    So…point of this story: Beauty IS pain. And, don’t tan your hoo-ha before going in for hair removal. 🙂

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      well that’s quite the horrifying story, Evie. luckily I keep my bike path under wraps while laying out. Oh, and I actually read the warning about not tanning 2 weeks prior or post ……. but that’s just me, i’m a details gal 😉

      • everevie Says:

        I read that too…but two things: 1.) It didn’t stress the danger of injury…and 2.) I retain only what I feel I need to retain (leaves more room for nonsenical things)…I assumed that the tech would know better, even if I didn’t…afterall, I’m not the trained pro/expert.

        I learned a lesson!


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