It comes down to two simple things. Very simple things. An epiphany in two part harmony as that’s all this worrying shit is about. Ready? Better sit down for this newsflash. I’m sure it will come as a great surprise to most everyone, including me, but the twofold fact of the matter is this:
1) I am a relationship retard
2) He is a communication retard
Those two things don’t work so well together. Duh. I did hear from W today. He responded to my e-mail message from Monday evening that he has been sick and basically sleeping the past 2 days. He also threw in that he was sorry he missed my call. Complete with a little sad face emoticon. Yup, that’s all it takes to turn my day around. A lame excuse and an emoticon. Who knew?
I sent back that I was sorry that he wasn’t feeling well and offered to bring him over lunch. He had a noon appointment so that was a big no. I then offered to bring over dinner. And got a big no for that too. I then put on my big girl pants and asked him if he had time to give me a quick phone call (so I could try to figure out what the fuck, if anything, was going on) and he did. Right away. The conversation went something like this:
me: hiya sicky, I’m sorry you’re not feeling well
him: blah, blah, blah about illness
me: i’d be happy to bring you over dinner tonight as i’m sure you haven’t eaten much
him: uh, well, there’s this webcast concert tonight that i want to see so my concentration will be elsewhere (????? wtf)
me: that’s okay, you don’t have to entertain me, I just feel bad that you’re home all alone when you’re sick and would like to bring you dinner
him: okay, what time?
me: uh ……..
him: no, i may be contagious and blah blah blah, I’d like to be 100% when I see you
me: You don’t have to entertain me, I would still like to bring you dinner, I don’t have to stay, it’s just something nice I’d like to do
him: okay, great, i’d like to see you as I know we were supposed to have plans tonight (however his tone of voice is really wishy washy)
me: (and this is where I should have just said ‘great, see you later’) I promise to be quiet when the concert is playing. W, now are you sure?
him: grrrrrrrrrrrrr, i don’t know, let me see how my day goes and can we play it by ear?
me: sure, no problem, give me a call a little later and let me know how you’re feeling about things ……
Gross, right? I’m not an idiot. Well, I am, but not about this. Every time I would push, he would agree. Every time I would leave it to him, he would decline. It’s like I was watching the whole messed up conversation from the sidelines. He’s either too nice to just let me know that he doesn’t want to see me (tonight or ever), or he’s one of those people who likes to be alone when he’s sick and I’m just taking it personally. He never once suggested seeing me. I made the suggestions. When he said no to lunch, he didn’t suggest dinner instead; I did. He made no reference whatsoever about seeing me, or offering other options. That was all stupid, needy me. Although cynical to the core, I don’t think he’s lying. About any of it. Sure, I’m absolutely thrown off by this whole webcast concert thing that starts at 5. Even if he were feeling 100%, we did have plans tonight, so was he going to cancel anyway or just set things for later in the evening? His tone of voice was just weenie-ish. My entire attitude was confused and needy-ish. Lovely. Absolutely
fucking hate when I get this way. It absolutely sounds like a classic ‘he’s just not that into you’ scenario, and if so, then so be it. Nothing I can do about that. It just caught me off guard is all.
Here’s what. He’ll call me later and most likely tell me not to come over. Too bad, that doesn’t work for me, so when he does call, I’m going to cut him off and lay it out there ‘look, I would like to see you. I know you’re not feeling well and I don’t want to intrude on your concert, but I would like to bring you dinner. I won’t stay, but I’m doing it’. And then I’ll just see what happens I guess.
I’m sort of already resigned to the defeatist mindset that he is no longer thrilled with the awesome gal that I am. And certainly after today’s whiny, ‘but really, i just want to drop by’, I’m sure he’s even less so. When the fuck did I turn into ‘that’ girl? I hate her. She’s annoying. 😉 I wouldn’t want to see her either. Honestly though, I’ve reached my overly dramatic threshold not because of anything that he has done (or not done), but because of who I am turning into. Why the hell would I want to run around doubting myself all the time? I don’t and I won’t. So, sorry W, I do think you’re a great guy. I’m just not sure you’re a great guy for me. That’s not your fault, it’s all on me.
As in most aspect of my life, I’m an ‘all or nothing’ kinda person. I am willing to
make an ass out of myself put up with things for so long, but if I hit a point where I’m just embarrassed by my actions or attitudes or finally see things for what they are, I’m done. I don’t like half-way. I’m pretty much done with W. Yup, he’s a great guy. I am, however, embarrassed as hell about my ridiculously needy bullshit of trying to force his hand. If I’m wrong about all of this, then great, however I will not dwell, whine, post, whatever about this any more past what happens tonight. I am a ‘closure’ girl though and that is why I am insisting on bringing over dinner. I am a much better judge of what the hell is going on in person than not. (did anyone actually believe that?)
And just in case you had any sort of idea that I was in any way, shape or form ‘normal’ about guys, here’s how my mind had the rest of the week planned out as he’s going out of town for the weekend on Friday. Would see him tonight. Would offer to take him to the airport on Friday (to which he would jump at that offer). Would entertain myself all weekend until he returns on Sunday. On the off chance he didn’t have me drive him to the airport, I would invite him to come over for dinner at my place when he got back or if I picked him up, we would go out somewhere and then back to his place. And then we’d live happily ever after. Okay, no, I wouldn’t go that far as I’m not sure I even believe in happily ever after. This is all ridiculous on my part, but really? Did I just get thrown over for a webcast concert?
edited to add: I have decided that I am not insisting on bringing him dinner. If he opts to decline my invitation, then fine. His loss. 😉 Damn, I can only be so much of a needy loser before I start to make myself feel ill……… It will suck if I’m right about things, great if I’m actually wrong, but either way, the neurotic mess I’ve managed to turn myself into just isn’t okay with me.