So we know that W came over for dinner last night. Like nothing in the world was wrong. (guys are starting to remind me of babies and ‘special’ people in that apparently nothing phases them and they’re all just obliviously happy) He shows up right on time. Hobbling in with a lame looking walking cast type thing on his foot, from his non make believe surgery he’d had that morning. He brought me flowers (always bonus points). He walks in and I thank him for the flowers and turn my back on him to walk in the kitchen with no hug, no kiss, no chuck on the arm, no nothing. I still was a bit in shock that he was even there and not sure how things were going to go. And a little pissed. Well he grabs me and spins me around to give me a kiss hello. Again, I’m like uh ……….. So my plan was to just chat for a while about absolutely nothing and then when the time was right, bring out the bamboo to shove under his fingernails while shining a bright light in his face and shouting questions at him. We all know how my plans never actually seem to work out and as he gave me the perfect opening in his ‘how was your day’ question, I just started. I told him my day, much like most of the last 5 days had sucked as I was hugely preoccupied with something. I told him I got written up at work and he asked what had been weighing so heavy on my mind and I gave simple, yet uber honest ‘you’. His face just sort of fell and he looked shocked. I, of course, looked at him like he was a retard. Really? Did he really have no clue what he just put me through with the no contact and the blown off plans? Uh, no, he really didn’t.
I asked him in what world was blowing off plans with someone 3 times in a row and then just falling off the face of the earth with no contact for 5 days acceptable? He couldn’t answer. He felt horrible. He also didn’t make any excuses (which I appreciated). He said he goes through spells of what he calls ‘radio darkness’ and just because he doesn’t contact me doesn’t mean I’m not on his mind. Well I called bullshit on that one and told him that just didn’t work for me. He’s not an ‘everyday contact’ kinda guy. I guess I can deal with that, but 5 days? Hell no. I told him exactly how it made me feel. Stupid and taken advantage of, insecure and neurotic (which you can all attest to). He looked totally crestfallen that he had put me through something like that. Honest to god, I believe him when he says he didn’t realize he was doing it. Now as pissed as I was, I do have to take a little of the blame here I guess as I never actually said anything to him on the days that we were supposed to have plans regarding getting together. I thought he should have remembered. I guess his years of recreational idiocy have taken a toll on the synapses up there.
He told me, perfectly honestly, that he is really scared that he doesn’t know how to have a healthy relationship. That his marriage was so fucked up for so long that to him, no contact is normal. I guess he and his wife used to just ignore each other. Aside from letting him know that wasn’t normal, it really made me kind of sad. He says he wants to work on things. He doesn’t want to mess up again. That he needs my help. He asked me to please let him know when he’s doing something ‘wrong’ or that I have an issue with (uh, no worries there, have you met me?) and that he would work on them. He told me he would try to be more cognizant of things as well.
I am by no means making excuses for him, but he is going through kind of a lot right now and I realize I’m just another additional responsibility. I appreciate his being so honest with me. I appreciate how genuinely upset he was regarding making me so friggin’ spastic and weighing so heavily on my mind. He promised to try harder. I believe him. While he is far from off the hook and I will be very cautious with emotions this time, I do think he’s being truthful and I do think he’ll try.
Of course, I wouldn’t be me without sliding at least one passive aggressive jab in there, so he was talking about something randomly embarrassing and I said that he should add that to his online profile as it sounded oh so appealing. To which I got no real response. So later on he was talking about all the work he does online and I (again being the schmuck that I am) slid in, ‘oh, including trolling dating sites’ and he looks me square in the eyes and says ‘well I really don’t have a reason to be looking right now, do i?’. I know he’s been online because I suck and I checked. He may just be emptying his inbox of messages, he may be actually conversing with others, hell he may even be meeting others. At this point though, that’s okay as for every flakey superficial bitch that he meets will only make me look better, scroll away. 😉 In all honesty though, he’s so friggin’ unorganized with his schedule that I don’t see how he would even manage to fit another thing in there.
I did flat out ask him how he felt about me. To which I got a ridiculous blank stare. So I made it simple for him by saying ‘look W, I hate to sound like the needy 16 year old here but I’m pretty sure you know that I like you. I’ve told you so. I guess I just need to ask you flat out: do you like me?’ (and believe me, I was embarrassed as hell asking). He looked a bit shocked in that I would even need to ask such a thing, says yes he does and that he’s sure he’s told me this before. When I told him that he hadn’t, he looked pretty sad and apologized. He felt bad. Good.
So the evening went well. Had a yummy dinner (yes, I am patting myself on the back as I did good!), had some good talks and it just felt comfortable. He is far from off the hook on this, and I will let him know when things he’s doing (or not doing) aren’t working for me, but I do think he wants to try. When he told me what he was doing this weekend and nothing seemed to include me, I let it go. When he was leaving (at a very respectable 9:30pm) I told him to have a good weekend and he says ‘what are you talking about, we will absolutely see each other’. So while I will not jump right back in feet first like last time, I will give him a chance to prove me wrong. No expectations this time around as apparently he’s got no clue what he’s doing and we all know how I tend to screw things up all the time, but we’ll see.
I have more to tell/explain, but that will have to wait for part 3 ……….