43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

As The World Turns, Part 2 June 23, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 6:47 am
Tags: , , ,

So we know that W came over for dinner last night.  Like nothing in the world was wrong.  (guys are starting to remind me of babies and ‘special’ people in that apparently nothing phases them and they’re all just obliviously happy)  He shows up right on time.  Hobbling in with a lame looking walking cast type thing on his foot, from his non make believe surgery he’d had that morning.  He brought me flowers (always bonus points).  He walks in and I thank him for the flowers and turn my back on him to walk in the kitchen with no hug, no kiss, no chuck on the arm, no nothing.  I still was a bit in shock that he was even there and not sure how things were going to go.  And a little pissed.  Well he grabs me and spins me around to give me a kiss hello.  Again, I’m like uh ……….. So my plan was to just chat for a while about absolutely nothing and then when the time was right, bring out the bamboo to shove under his fingernails while shining a bright light in his face and shouting questions at him.  We all know how my plans never actually seem to work out and as he gave me the perfect opening in his ‘how was your day’ question, I just started.  I told him my day, much like most of the last 5 days had sucked as I was hugely preoccupied with something.  I told him I got written up at work and he asked what had been weighing so heavy on my mind and I gave simple, yet uber honest ‘you’.  His face just sort of fell and he looked shocked.  I, of course, looked at him like he was a retard.  Really?  Did he really have no clue what he just put me through with the no contact and the blown off plans?  Uh, no, he really didn’t.

I asked him in what world was blowing off plans with someone 3 times in a row and then just falling off the face of the earth with no contact for 5 days acceptable?  He couldn’t answer.  He felt horrible.  He also didn’t make any excuses  (which I appreciated).  He said he goes through spells of what he calls ‘radio darkness’ and just because he doesn’t contact me doesn’t mean I’m not on his mind.  Well I called bullshit on that one and told him that just didn’t work for me.  He’s not an ‘everyday contact’ kinda guy.  I guess I can deal with that, but 5 days?  Hell no.  I told him exactly how it made me feel.  Stupid and taken advantage of, insecure and neurotic (which you can all attest to).  He looked totally crestfallen that he had put me through something like that.  Honest to god, I believe him when he says he didn’t realize he was doing it.  Now as pissed as I was, I do have to take a little of the blame here I guess as I never actually said anything to him on the days that we were supposed to have plans regarding getting together.  I thought he should have remembered.  I guess his years of recreational idiocy have taken a toll on the synapses up there.

He told me, perfectly honestly, that he is really scared that he doesn’t know how to have a healthy relationship.  That his marriage was so fucked up for so long that to him, no contact is normal.  I guess he and his wife used to just ignore each other.  Aside from letting him know that wasn’t normal, it really made me kind of sad.  He says he wants to work on things.  He doesn’t want to mess up again.  That he needs my help.  He asked me to please let him know when he’s doing something ‘wrong’ or that I have an issue with (uh, no worries there, have you met me?) and that he would work on them.  He told me he would try to be more cognizant of things as well.

I am by no means making excuses for him, but he is going through kind of a lot right now and I realize I’m just another additional responsibility.  I appreciate his being so honest with me.  I appreciate how genuinely upset he was regarding making me so friggin’ spastic and weighing so heavily on my mind.  He promised to try harder.  I believe him.  While he is far from off the hook and I will be very cautious with emotions this time, I do think he’s being truthful and I do think he’ll try.

Of course, I wouldn’t be me without sliding at least one passive aggressive jab in there, so he was talking about something randomly embarrassing and I said that he should add that to his online profile as it sounded oh so appealing.  To which I got no real response.  So later on he was talking about all the work he does online and I (again being the schmuck that I am) slid in, ‘oh, including trolling dating sites’ and he looks me square in the eyes and says ‘well I really don’t have a reason to be looking right now, do i?’.  I know he’s been online because I suck and I checked.  He may just be emptying his inbox of messages, he may be actually conversing with others, hell he may even be meeting others.  At this point though, that’s okay as for every flakey superficial bitch that he meets will only make me look better, scroll away. 😉  In all honesty though, he’s so friggin’ unorganized with his schedule that I don’t see how he would even manage to fit another thing in there.

I did flat out ask him how he felt about me.  To which I got a ridiculous blank stare.  So I made it simple for him by saying ‘look W, I hate to sound like the needy 16 year old here but I’m pretty sure you know that I like you.  I’ve told you so.  I guess I just need to ask you flat out:  do you like me?’ (and believe me, I was embarrassed as hell asking).  He looked a bit shocked in that I would even need to ask such a thing, says yes he does and that he’s sure he’s told me this before.  When I told him that he hadn’t, he looked pretty sad and apologized.  He felt bad.  Good.

So the evening went well.  Had a yummy dinner (yes, I am patting myself on the back as I did good!), had some good talks and it just felt comfortable.  He is far from off the hook on this, and I will let him know when things he’s doing (or not doing) aren’t working for me, but I do think he wants to try.  When he told me what he was doing this weekend and nothing seemed to include me, I let it go.  When he was leaving (at a very respectable 9:30pm) I told him to have a good weekend and he says ‘what are you talking about, we will absolutely see each other’.  So while I will not jump right back in feet first like last time, I will give him a chance to prove me wrong.  No expectations this time around as apparently he’s got no clue what he’s doing and we all know how I tend to screw things up all the time, but we’ll see.

I have more to tell/explain, but that will have to wait for part 3 ……….


26 Responses to “As The World Turns, Part 2”

  1. mysterycoach Says:

    I couldn’t be more proud of you for speaking your mind like you did here. 🙂 I know, I’m just some stranger on the internet but … good for you.

    • Thanks MC. I’ve got some things to learn as well from this. Like acknowledging that guys aren’t mindreaders and I need to just flat out say what I’m thinking or upset about instead of just assuming he should know (although he should) 😉

      • mysterycoach Says:

        Well… to be fair, most people don’t know unless we tell them. You did… see how it goes from here… that’s all you can do. All you can do is express what you’d like to see happen … that’s a good start. Take your time… 🙂

  2. Serena Says:

    I agree with mysterycoach…..AND you finally got some of the answers you were looking for. He seems honest with his responses, and sincere in saying he wants to change. I would say give him a chance, with a cautious eye and some optimism. I think your ‘forwardness’….and I don’t mean that in a bad way….is good for him and his situation right now. Maybe he really *doesn’t* know how to have a healthy relationship like he said. Most men would never admit that! Poor guy….sounds like he had a wife from hell.

    • Thanks Serena. It’s not the easiest thing in the world for me to be honest in my feelings, but I absolutely was relieved to see that he didn’t try to deny anything and just owned up to not really knowing what to do.

      Yes a cautious eye & *some* optimism is in order for now 😉

  3. Grey,

    I’m sooooo glad things picked up. Talking face-to-face is a great way of resolving this stuff one way or the other (Are you reading this, Evie?!). It’s awkward that you have to ‘train’ him, but you probably figured this a little from your initial contact. But at least he seems like ‘the real deal’ and this could still work out very well for you. So, yay!

  4. OMG! I know you don’t want to jump in feet first and that W isn’t off the hook yet, but I’m reading this with a big grin on my face and a slight heart throb 🙂

    Sounds like a very good (and needed) talk. I think you were very right to speak your mind. I can hardly believe that a guy (any guy) can be THAT open to critique. There’s no doubt in my mind anymore that he likes you and is totally into you. I’m just hoping that he now actually listens to what you have to say by his behavior. But I have a hunch he will be 🙂

    What a great way to start the weekend (which begins in 5 minutes for me) 😀

    • You’re so cute BAS. Thanks for being excited for me. I’ve not run into someone who was so willing to take in criticism and really listen to what I was saying, so that’s a new thing (as is being so forthcoming with my feelings). I’m hoping that things improve, but only time will tell I guess.

  5. everevie Says:

    You both did a great job last night. You at being forthright (and not too scared to say something)…and him for being so open.

    The real test begins now I guess. Will he really be open to your “guidance”…will you really be okay if he doesn’t follow through b/c he’s going through “radio silence”??

    I’ll be here reading every step of the way!!

    • Well I’m hoping the ‘radio silence’ thing doesn’t actually happen again, but if it does, I’ll just suck it up and make the call instead of waiting for him. If he’s gotta pull his head out, it’s only fair if I put my big girl panties on and operate outside of my comfort zone as well ……… (and no, i didn’t mean granny panties) 😉

  6. Matthew Says:

    Yay for clear air, and me being wrong. Turns out he was just a bit naive.

    Happens to the best of us from time to time.

    I’m very glad you were up-front and direct with him. Now that the elephant has been pointed out it should be easy to avoid.

    • Thanks Matthew. I’m glad you were wrong too (who’d have guessed?) ……. I’m hoping the elephant stays away, but should he return, I will make mention of him as soon as he appears instead of driving myself nuts about it in silence ……. I think we probably both have a lot to learn in this (him and I, not you and me) 😉

      • Oh, also forgot to say that he did mention that he was ‘comfortable’ with me and I told him that we don’t know each other well enough yet for him to be so casual about things 😉

        • Janet in Philly Says:

          W and I would never make it (or maybe we would..). I go into Radio darkness pretty frequently, and since my marriage ended I wonder if I’m capable of a healthy relationship. I was the one who was the non- communicator in my marriage. Just sayin’ if you’re looking for chatty he may not meet that need. But you are expressing what you need from him, and that is a step in the right direction! Keep it up.

    • Victoria Says:

      I, too, am glad to be wrong. 🙂 Glad it worked out for you.

  7. jgavinallan Says:

    I think it was wonderful. His openness showed a side of him that might have remained hidden.
    I am very happy with this relationship—so far…

  8. Surrey gal Says:

    No expectations is probably the best attitude. I don’t understand this guy, but then I’m not there and all I know is what you are saying… So I am afraid I have to use the word that I hate the most: patience. And let’s see what happens…. :/

    • ah crap, patience is NOT one of my virtues 😉 I know I describe him (and everything else) in extremes and I’m having a hard time processing this new turn of events myself, so I can only imagine how head scratching it must be for everyone else …….

  9. manda Says:

    Add me to the glad-to-be-wrongs too! You have already set a good example on how to wear big girl panties by the way you approached this. I truly hope things are a little smoother from this point forward. I’m asking this in all seriousness — how do you be cautious with your emotions? Especially with that heady feeling one gets when connecting with another on so many levels and it just feels right?

    • Hi Manda! Good question and I think I can do it. Although I do like him, and it does just sorta feel ‘right’ when we’re together, since he’s already put me through the wringer once (unintentionally though it were), I should be able to close a little part of me off and really expect nothing more than mediocre at this point. I’m not a big fan of letting the same person hurt me more than once, so will do what I need to in order to be able to maintain a safe distance until I’m a little more sure of what’s going on …….

  10. cateohara Says:

    G –
    Damn I hate that I’m all jaded at the moment. 1st – I second (third, fourth, eighth?) what everyone else has said about you – giant pat on the back for owning how you feel. What a refreshing and great way to start out. 2nd – I agree with Surrey that patience is good, it may be what you need with this guy (as miserable a course as that is). But 3rd – I worry that he needs (for lack of a better word) training and that you deserve someone you don’t have to bring along quite so much. Someone who can take care of you at least as much as you are taking care of him. I’m just a touch worried (gun-shy maybe?) that he can easily become the guy that looks to you to define, lead, direct the relationship.

    But again, I’m a jaded mess at the moment, so take it all for what its worth 🙂

    • I’m almost always jaded, Cate 😉 I know this isn’t the best scenario in the universe (or block even), but it is what it is, so it’s either try to deal or not ….. i’d rather at least try ……. for now

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