So remember this post? The one that assured everyone that I would be able to deal with W without getting invested. Yeah, that didn’t work so well. I think I wrote it to try to convince myself, however W who may forever be referred to from now on as Mr BiPolar Mixed Signals Guy certainly didn’t help matters. So he came over Wednesday. We had a great time. We talked everything through. I wanted him to stay over. He wanted to stay over, but he hadn’t brought his meds from his foot surgery (no really, he actually had foot surgery). He talked about bringing his laptop over next time so he could stay over and get work done in the morning. Nice. When he told me his weekend plans that didn’t seem to include me, I told him to have a great weekend. He corrected me and said that he would certainly see me over the weekend. When we were texting back and forth on Friday night and I asked if there was anything that I could do to make him feel better, he said ‘tomorrow’ with a little winkie. Loser. As we had spoken about going to the movies maybe on Saturday paired with that little text lovely, I assumed that meant we were doing something on Saturday (crazy, right?).
When I found out that Vacation Fling was going to be in town, I called W to see what our plans were for the night. Of course I got his voicemail, so left a message. That was @1pm. By 4:30 pm I still hadn’t heard back from him so texted a nice, concise ‘?????’. To which I got no response. At that point, I opted to start drinking. Heavily. I couldn’t quite believe that after having this specific discussion on Wednesday, that he was doing it again. So I did what any ridiculously retarded 43 year old single woman would do and kept drinking. Uh, heavily. As I already knew that W was blowing me off and I am incapable of leaving well enough alone, I texted him with a lame ‘you make me sad’ around 8. Yeah, I know, I’m such a douche sometimes.
So I went out to meet VF which ended up being a nightmare and I never actually saw him. I drank WAY too much and pretty much had a horrible night. As I was piecing the end of the night together this morning by looking at my texts, I was a bit horrified to find a lovely little ditty that I do not remember sending to W around 11pm last night that pretty much called him out on his bullshit and stated that I couldn’t believe that not only did he blow me off again, but that he didn’t even have the common courtesy to return my phone call and tell me he had no plans to see me. Ugh. As if there was a slight chance I would have heard back from him before said text, I had effectively made sure that I won’t hear from him again.
Here’s the funny/sad part about all of this. I had a little chat with myself on Friday about him. I know he’s got some uh, scheduling challenges apparently. I know that I certainly should never feel the need to settle for ‘good enough’. I also know how friggin’ attracted to the guy I am (which still throws me for a loop as he pretty much the opposite of what I normally like). So here’s what I had decided while trying to convince myself that whatever he had to offer right now would be okay with me. In a nutshell, I would rather see him when he feels the need to grace myself with his presence instead of never seeing him at all. How screwed up is that? That I would allow someone to intentionally be inconsiderate because at least I’d still get to see him sometimes.
Yup, I couldn’t do what I said. I couldn’t be patient or have no expectations for him. I couldn’t even stop myself from sabotaging everything. No, I have no clue why he didn’t return my call on Saturday. I have no clue if he was ever planning on returning it. As I knew my text was really quite shitty to him last night and I really didn’t intend to send it, I figured I had nothing much to lose by taking one last stab at finding out what the hell was going on in his head. So yes, I sent an e-mail this morning. Feel free to stop reading my blog at any time as I’m an embarrassment even to myself. Wanna know what the e-mail said? Well here ya’ go:
well, as I don’t think I can make matters worse at this point and since my phone call and texts have gone unresponded to, I figure why not make it a trifecta of ignored messages.
Am I wrong in thinking we were going to do something last night? I don’t think so. Yet when you just blow me off (again) and not bother to even cancel, I am left to come up with my own scenarios as to why.
I thought we had a good talk on Wednesday about this. I felt pretty good about things, but then you turned around and did the exact same thing again. I know you’ve got a ton of stuff going on right now and I never wanted more from you than to continue to see you and have fun. I’m busy too though, so when I set aside time to see you, it would be awesome if it actually happened.
I don’t know whether to be pissed or worried at this point. Worried because I hope everything is okay with your foot – I know you have been in a lot of pain.
Pissed because even if you lost your phone again or aren’t feeling well or whatever, that it apparently didn’t even occur to you to let me know that we weren’t getting together last night.
I just don’t know how to process this change of late. It’s been in the last 2 weeks that this has started. I fear I’m letting my attraction to you cloud my judgement, but I’m fairly certain that it’s common courtesy to either follow through on plans or at the very least return a phone call letting me know that you’re busy or not interested or whatever.
We’re great when we’re together and I have fun with you …….. i’m just not sure about the in between times …… i don’t need constant contact, but a little consistency would be nice 😦
I hope I hear back from you as I really am kinda worried that you’re okay ……. Ugh, I can’t stand feeling this way …….
Yup, pretty much guarantees that we’re done. And even before we managed to fit in a bike ride (which is a major reason that I was pissed about Saturday as I had the whole bike course plotted out) 😦 I don’t know why I can’t be okay with just letting things go. Or seeing where they go. Why must I always try to steer the ship?
oh, and i’ve already deleted his number from my phone before I can anything else embarrassingly stupid