So remember this post? The one that assured everyone that I would be able to deal with W without getting invested. Yeah, that didn’t work so well. I think I wrote it to try to convince myself, however W who may forever be referred to from now on as Mr BiPolar Mixed Signals Guy certainly didn’t help matters. So he came over Wednesday. We had a great time. We talked everything through. I wanted him to stay over. He wanted to stay over, but he hadn’t brought his meds from his foot surgery (no really, he actually had foot surgery). He talked about bringing his laptop over next time so he could stay over and get work done in the morning. Nice. When he told me his weekend plans that didn’t seem to include me, I told him to have a great weekend. He corrected me and said that he would certainly see me over the weekend. When we were texting back and forth on Friday night and I asked if there was anything that I could do to make him feel better, he said ‘tomorrow’ with a little winkie. Loser. As we had spoken about going to the movies maybe on Saturday paired with that little text lovely, I assumed that meant we were doing something on Saturday (crazy, right?).
When I found out that Vacation Fling was going to be in town, I called W to see what our plans were for the night. Of course I got his voicemail, so left a message. That was @1pm. By 4:30 pm I still hadn’t heard back from him so texted a nice, concise ‘?????’. To which I got no response. At that point, I opted to start drinking. Heavily. I couldn’t quite believe that after having this specific discussion on Wednesday, that he was doing it again. So I did what any ridiculously retarded 43 year old single woman would do and kept drinking. Uh, heavily. As I already knew that W was blowing me off and I am incapable of leaving well enough alone, I texted him with a lame ‘you make me sad’ around 8. Yeah, I know, I’m such a douche sometimes.
So I went out to meet VF which ended up being a nightmare and I never actually saw him. I drank WAY too much and pretty much had a horrible night. As I was piecing the end of the night together this morning by looking at my texts, I was a bit horrified to find a lovely little ditty that I do not remember sending to W around 11pm last night that pretty much called him out on his bullshit and stated that I couldn’t believe that not only did he blow me off again, but that he didn’t even have the common courtesy to return my phone call and tell me he had no plans to see me. Ugh. As if there was a slight chance I would have heard back from him before said text, I had effectively made sure that I won’t hear from him again.
Here’s the funny/sad part about all of this. I had a little chat with myself on Friday about him. I know he’s got some uh, scheduling challenges apparently. I know that I certainly should never feel the need to settle for ‘good enough’. I also know how friggin’ attracted to the guy I am (which still throws me for a loop as he pretty much the opposite of what I normally like). So here’s what I had decided while trying to convince myself that whatever he had to offer right now would be okay with me. In a nutshell, I would rather see him when he feels the need to grace myself with his presence instead of never seeing him at all. How screwed up is that? That I would allow someone to intentionally be inconsiderate because at least I’d still get to see him sometimes.
Yup, I couldn’t do what I said. I couldn’t be patient or have no expectations for him. I couldn’t even stop myself from sabotaging everything. No, I have no clue why he didn’t return my call on Saturday. I have no clue if he was ever planning on returning it. As I knew my text was really quite shitty to him last night and I really didn’t intend to send it, I figured I had nothing much to lose by taking one last stab at finding out what the hell was going on in his head. So yes, I sent an e-mail this morning. Feel free to stop reading my blog at any time as I’m an embarrassment even to myself. Wanna know what the e-mail said? Well here ya’ go:
well, as I don’t think I can make matters worse at this point and since my phone call and texts have gone unresponded to, I figure why not make it a trifecta of ignored messages.
Am I wrong in thinking we were going to do something last night? I don’t think so. Yet when you just blow me off (again) and not bother to even cancel, I am left to come up with my own scenarios as to why.
I thought we had a good talk on Wednesday about this. I felt pretty good about things, but then you turned around and did the exact same thing again. I know you’ve got a ton of stuff going on right now and I never wanted more from you than to continue to see you and have fun. I’m busy too though, so when I set aside time to see you, it would be awesome if it actually happened.
I don’t know whether to be pissed or worried at this point. Worried because I hope everything is okay with your foot – I know you have been in a lot of pain.
Pissed because even if you lost your phone again or aren’t feeling well or whatever, that it apparently didn’t even occur to you to let me know that we weren’t getting together last night.
I just don’t know how to process this change of late. It’s been in the last 2 weeks that this has started. I fear I’m letting my attraction to you cloud my judgement, but I’m fairly certain that it’s common courtesy to either follow through on plans or at the very least return a phone call letting me know that you’re busy or not interested or whatever.
We’re great when we’re together and I have fun with you …….. i’m just not sure about the in between times …… i don’t need constant contact, but a little consistency would be nice 😦
I hope I hear back from you as I really am kinda worried that you’re okay ……. Ugh, I can’t stand feeling this way …….
Yup, pretty much guarantees that we’re done. And even before we managed to fit in a bike ride (which is a major reason that I was pissed about Saturday as I had the whole bike course plotted out) 😦 I don’t know why I can’t be okay with just letting things go. Or seeing where they go. Why must I always try to steer the ship?
.
oh, and i’ve already deleted his number from my phone before I can anything else embarrassingly stupid
The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater 
Eugh! All in all, poor you. I think in future you’ve just got to go ahead and always make other plans, just in case. Part of me wants to say ‘Forget him. He’s an arse.’ but I kind of think he isn’t, not really. Just because you had the ‘talk’ with him does not mean he is going to change overnight. He’s got a lot of learning to do. He is, do remember, only a male. Requires lots of training.
Thanks CB. Ya’ know, even after everything, I have a hard time believing that he’s an ass either. I think I caught him at the wrong time and he’s a little overwhelmed with everything (there are a few details I haven’t shared as they are very personal and private to him, but I think he just needs more time – apparently not with me, but in general)
Please get rid of him. He makes you feel bad. All things considered, foot surgery, pattern of letting you down, come and go behavior, his false promises. That is not about you… this is his issue that is not your … “problem”. You see? this is not about YOU at all… this is HIM. This is who he is… he makes you feel bad. Let him go… Please.
Let it be… find someone else. Honey, he is not the last man on earth. He may have… what qualities? Can you name some good qualities other than the come here go away nonsense you’ve put up with? I believe we deserve to have a man who is not confusing… you’re allowing a person you only know… like … 3 weeks (?) to get you all … you know, confused and up and down.
That kind of guy, is not worth your time. This is not YOU it’s HIM. Kick him to the curb… please… puhleeze… I’m sorry, I say this because I empathize with how you feel at the same time, I’ve been where your at and it’s no good for you. It was no good for me honey…
He is the only person in your life you have this problem with right? Then it’s HIM… not YOU. You deserve to feel … cherished. Not, why doesn’t he follow through etc., etc., … I say this with all the good intentions I can muster up. I hope I don’t sound harsh. I completely understand how you feel. Put yourself first… okay? Puhleeeeeeze … Sincerely said, with massively good intentions.
Thanks MC. I know you mean well and are right but he IS a good guy. I don’t think it’s just me ‘giving him the benefit of the doubt’. I usually see the worst in guys. I do see the really good parts of him. Like I wrote in the comment above, I just think he’s going through a really rough patch right now and no, it’s not alright for me to bear the brunt of it. I will let him go as I know it’s what i need to do, but I don’t think he’s an asshole or being intentionally shitty, I think that at this point, he just doesn’t know any better and apparently I’m not a good set of training wheels to show him otherwise. 😉
I do mean well… you know that. I hope you know that 🙂 I can see the good parts in any human being I meet. We deal with a person as a whole… you see? The good, the bad, the ugly… the shitty, the patterns of their behaviors and all that stuff. I understand he is going through a rough patch right now. And I have empathy for him… however, his rough patch is causing you quite a bit of turmoil. His lack of action, his inability to follow through is getting your hopes up, you feel better and then he’s ripping the rug out from under your feet. I hate seeing you in that position. He may not be intentionally shitty…it could simply be bad timing.
Honey, I want you to recognize that you deserve … good timing. It’s okay to know when we’re not on the same page as someone. It’s okay to have empathy for them, at the same time, to ignore how … badly you feel isn’t good for you. He’s affecting you in very negative ways. You deserve positive ways… no mixed messages, no confusion, no … whatever. He may not know better and honestly honey, barring communication with a person who is open to what you want in your life, we truly don’t train another person. We can only express to them what we would like, how we feel and see what happens.
Look at me and CB. He’s not an asshole… he’s just been so badly hurt, and 🙂 I am adorable 🙂 … uhm… he wanted to be ready, he tried…I drove myself nuts, I was confused all the time, I walked around like… what the hell? Why isn’t he showing up? Why isn’t he following through and it affected my whole … everything I did and how I thought. I know that was “my” situation, at the same time you seem to be going through the same things with this guy. CB was nice enough to just flat out say it was him. I respect that. So, for you… it is NOT YOU it’s HIM who has things to work through. Supporting a person is one thing, being on the same page is another… you see? Siiiigh… I want to see you smiling and happy… not confused. Confused is a horrible place to be. It can turn you inside out… You look cuter, right side out ! LOL 🙂
Honey… he is who he is… if he has issues, he has to work those out … it’s not about you… it’s HIM… please. Oh my goodness… come’er! (((hug)))
i know (you must have written this while I was writing my 1st response to you 😉 ). It IS him, not me …… I know that …….
Wanna eat a big fat pint of your favorite haagen daz and throw darts at his picture? 🙂 🙂 🙂
haha, the funny thing is, I’m not even mad at him …… i don’t think he’s intentionally being mean, so i can’t be pissed ……. just a bit sad is all ……… and i don’t like ice cream 😉
Friend:
I am not an expert…but I do think it is time to cut yourself loose of this one…
hugs
Jaye
yup, that seems to be the consensus 😦
OK my turn…my turn!!
I think he will contact you at some point. Not sure when / how..but he will. And now that he knows you are PISSED he is going to wait until things cool off.
Until he does…glad you deleted his #. Please please please do not make contact with him. He will be back.
A crazy as you think you sound and I am sure to many a logical mind they will say “cut him loose”..it is not so easy. And yeah maybe thats what you should do but lets be honest..it aint gonna happen….I get it. You like him. There is an attraction. And you can not walk away.
As much as it might kill you..stay busy. Keep going out. And then let’s see. Hang in there!!
Thanks so much Shades. You pretty much hit the nail on the head. I will ‘cut him loose’ …….. for now. I will also hope that I hear from him sometime in the future, but I will NOT contact him again. I’ve done plenty of that in the past 24 hours; I’m stocked up for a while on that front 😉
Damn chica ~ you kinda sorta ‘get’ me 😉
ha ha. Well I guess once you feel like you’ve been single forever we’ve all had a few W at some point in our dating career) We all just want one that will stay…p.s why not call Mr Nice Guy to get your mind off W..even if its just a few hours. Might be a needed distraction from being so hard on yourself
not sure i’ll be good company, but I probably will give Mr Conservative a call sometime this week …….
Hi Grey,
As you know, I’ve followed this drama for some time. I like to look at the funny side of your posts, but the humor has been missing recently because this guy works for you at one level and fails at another, and it has obviously been hurting you and there’s no humor in that.
You might not want my thoughts, but here you go anyway..
1. Clearly he has some issues. They may relate to the stuff personal enough it’s not for sharing in this forum. Regardless, as you say: It’s common courtesy to follow through on a clear plan for a date. It doesn’t matter what else is going on, failing with that is mean. None of us here in Blogworld ‘get’ why he is being mean, which is why we’re all ready to have him evicted from Earth for upsetting you. However, since you’re sure he’s not mean, ergo, there’s another factor involved that we don’t understand. Because there must be an explanation for this weird behavior, I’m going against the majority here when I say: stick with him (unless the personal thing involves fungus, other women, ongoing rather than temporary mental health issues, or one of a host of other Relationship Killers).
2. Clearly you have some issues. Seriously, getting slammed and sending drunk texts? The lady who doesn’t even like texting! *sigh* Also, patience. I know it’s easy for me to blather on from the cheap seats, but really, I think that serious relationships take time to develop. Anyone past their early 20s and has started to settle into a lifestyle and isn’t as malleable anymore. I think that a new relationship takes time partly because learning to accommodate each other is not easy. You have to want it, you have to figure out what things you can accept, and what you can’t. You have to make changes to you to accommodate him and wait for him to change to acommodate your important stuff. Time.
3. Put the bike in storage. Whatever W is going through, it’s not going to be fixed in a hurry, and going for a bike ride creates a new level of commitment that is not going to work well when he’s struggling with following through on simple date plans. OK, I know, I can expect a Howler in the mail for this suggestion!
Despite all of the silly things that have happened, I still think this could work for you, even though you might end up in a relationship different to any other you’ve had. It will probably depend on two key things: Can he fix himself in time? Can you wait him out while he does this?
Finally, I didn’t think your e-mail was out of line. I would amazed if he was upset. Confused, maybe. Upset, no.
I still have hopes for you even if no-one else does right now.
Well 1st of all SD, thanks so much for stating the obvious about ‘my issues’. I’m well aware; as should anyone that reads my blog be. I realize going out and getting drunk solved absolutely nothing but you know what? I did it. I do tons of stupid things, so we’ll just add this one to the list.
Thank you for saying that my e-mail wasn’t out of line. It was a bit nicer than my text that i sent him, so both have probably effectively scared the shit out of him.
Yes, it is easy for everyone ‘on the outside’ to judge and the fact that there are a couple things that I have not shared doesn’t give the clearest of pictures, but in the end I will have figure out what to do on my own. And that, at the present time, is to do nothing. This whole whatever it is has caught me entirely off guard. This is the guy that I didn’t even want to meet because I disliked him so much via e-mails. This may come as a great surprise to you (and everyone), but I sort of suck at dating. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an AWESOME date – funny, witty, retarded, charming …. it’s when things get past a couple of dates that I tend to lose perspective (lucky – or not – that rarely happens)
What it comes down to is this – I realize he has shortcomings according to what I would like, however I have not handled any of this well. As you said, I’ve lost my sense of humor about it and that’s never good. I’m just confused by all of this and why it suddenly changed 2 weeks ago. I say I am willing to ‘take what I can get’ with him while he gets his shit together, but that doesn’t seem to translate well into real life.
I’ve met a few guys over the past year and a half that I’ve really liked, however Webster is the 1st one that I didn’t really want to date anyone else after meeting. That’s not realistic at all to expect the same from him. I’ll just sit back and wait and see what happens …….. maybe he can date around a little and figure out that ‘damn, she wasn’t so bad compared to all the nutjobs online’ 😉
As always, I appreciate your comments. I know you want me to be happy (gee, that would be nice). I will do my best to get back to my humorous/ridiculous self. (and sorry, I don’t think any of this reply has made sense, but rather just traveled in circles …… not bike track circles mind you as my bike just ain’t as appealing as I originally though) 😉
Hey Grey,
First off, I’m really sorry about the latest development! I thought things would change after your talk, but I guess not.
I’ve been rooting for W most of the time, which may be why I agree with Sean on this one. There are definitely things that need changing. After dating three weeks you are not supposed to feel this frustrated and annoyed. You are smart, funny, sweet and caring and you need a guy who can see that and perhaps more importantly appreciate it!
That being said, I actually think that W could be that guy. Like you write, we don’t know the whole story. But it sounded like he’d been walking around in his own little world and that you dragged him out of it the last time you talked. He probably jumped right back in once he left your place.
I’m sure that you will in fact hear from him at some point. It might take a few days, but I think he cares enough about you to not want you to have the wrong impression (even if he probably thinks you don’t want to talk to him again). I guess the best thing you can do is try to figure out if this is something you want enough to work through both his and your issues. That’s something only you can judge.
But I hope that you’re feeling OK despite it all and know that at the end of the day, all of us here just want you to be happy.
Hugs,
BAS
Thanks BAS 😦 not what I was hoping for, that’s for sure, but I’ll live. I don’t know why I am incapable of just waiting things out instead of forcing the issue, but whatever.
*sigh* I kinda knew I wasn’t “wrong” before, but I realllllllly wanted to be.
I live by a few rules now that I’m in “I don’t give a fuhhhhhk” mode (You need to go back and read that in your Chris Tucker “Friday” voice.) I spent the past few years making excuses for someone I knew well and loved dearly – and he still managed to not be above my rules even after I made exceptions for him. So I won’t do that for anyone ever again. I lost in the end (dignity, self-respect), and I had to pay for it – not him.
In the case of W, he’s like a lot of good guys – he doesn’t know what he wants or how he wants it. He just knows he wants SOMEthing. They usually grope around in the dark until they find the switch, despite all the hands guiding them in the right direction. Good guys make bad choices sometimes. It’s not a question of character.
Follow this rule if you follow only one ever – it’s good advice and it’s not bitter – just fact: If a guy really wants you, he will stop at nothing to have you. Pretty much, all you’ll have to do is show up. No excuses. If he’s going out of town, he will still call you. If he’s busy, he will let you know he’ll be out of range and he’ll get back to you right away afterward, even if it’s just to say “I’m tired, just wanted to say I haven’t forgotten about you.” When you find yourself wondering what a guy’s intentions with you are – it’s safe to assume he’s no longer interested.
This can happen even after the guy has expressed his interest in you for a while. Once he tapers off, it’s done. There’s nothing you can do to salvage it because there’s nothing you did to cause it. You can tinker around and see if this is true, or you can call your losses up front and stop all communication immediately. As I always say, “Keep it movin’.” You’re too much of a good catch to be wondering whether a guy’s into you.
Thanks Victoria. You’re very good at expressing your thought and I appreciate it. I keep telling myself that I *know* everything that you’ve said, but damn if I don’t make the same mistakes every time I meet a guy I really like.
I shouldn’t have to wonder what his thoughts or intentions are. And just because he was totally into me and attentive as hell when we 1st met, doesn’t mean he hasn’t changed his mind, met someone else, whatever. I do deserve better than that.
Thanks again for your thoughtful comments.
Well, shit fire and save a match. Everyone has some really good points. I feel sad too. I’ve been there too many times not to agree with you. You CAN tell when a guy is being a total jerk vs. a nice guy with more issues than a newsstand, and sometimes that makes it even harder. I’m not even sure if he has issues beyond being oblivious as to how the whole “dating” thing works, despite your talk the other night. And, if it’s any consolation, I couldn’t do what you said either. We know what we SHOULD do and how we SHOULD act, and how we SHOULD guard our heart, but sometimes things just don’t work out that way. Give yourself a break. You’re frustrated at dealing with this man who seems to be on totally different dimension than you. He (probably unintentionally) is sending you very mixed signals. He’s a nice guy, but he’s a crazy-maker. You’ve acknowledged that maybe the text & emails weren’t the best. So what? Live and learn. He hasn’t acted the best either. The only thing to do now is to go on with your life. Remind yourself (and remind yourself often) that this is NOT a relationship that you have invested years in. I only say this so you keep some perspective. It’s way too easy to get caught up in that “perfect guy” syndrome, especially not knowing him very well. I think he’ll probably be in contact again, but, if not, it’s OKAY. You’ll feel better soon, promise!
Thanks Manda. Not happy with the way I reacted/handled/didnt handle things, but nothing I can do about it now.
Hey there,
They all said it before.
I just wanted to say kick his ass, forget about him and don’t grace him with even one sms, email, phone call or conversation.
Just let him think you disappeared from the earth.
He is a twat and that’s it.
I’m wondering what he replies to your email.
Go and find a replacement, that should make you feel better. xxx
I’m looking SG, I’m looking 😉
There’s not a lot I can say that the above commenters haven’t already said (except to say that I don’t agree w/some of them).
I just want to really drive home one point: I know you feel like you pushed things too hard…but I think you are being awfully hard on yourself. Even HE told you that you weren’t being pushy…that he liked and needed your “guidance”. Besides, he was being a big ole meany and deserved to be chastised. I think your instinct that he’s a good guy, is the right instinct…but his actions were mean. 😦
And your email was actually NICE…and YOU are nice. And I hope Webby comes around…I kinda think he will…and he’ll tell you himself that you haven’t done a thing wrong.
Thanks Evie……