43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Fair Warning July 5, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 12:15 am
Tags: , ,

I think it only fair to warn everyone about a little ‘quirk’ (and by quirk I mean annoying yet ingrained habit) of mine that happens each and every year.  Right around my birthday.  Shit.  Yup, I have a birthday coming up next month and aside from the oh-so-important decision of whether or not to actually change the title of my blog from 43 to 44 (ouch, that hurt to write), I tend to get a bit sappy and introspective.  In a totally ridiculous woe-is-me sorta way.  And obviously the festivities start way before the actual day (why wait ’til the last minute I figure to feel sorry for myself 😉 ).  I’m going to try to do my best to minimize this lovely habit of mine this year though.  Nope, I’m not anywhere near where I thought I would be at this age.  Relationship-wise or otherwise; I need to get over it.  Things aren’t so bad.  I’m a-okay.  I am however apparently going to hit yet another birthday with no significant other.  And by that, I mean no bike riding partner.  Or *gasp* no boyfriend.  Damn it.

I do not measure my self worth by my relationship status (much).  I know I’m a damn good catch.  For someone with a big enough mitt.  And no, that wasn’t a crack referring to the size of my ass, but rather my somewhat ‘big’ personality.  I do use birthdays as relationship milestones though.  Some people make resolutions for New Years.  I make them for birthdays.  And I am apparently going to miss hitting another one this year as well ……

I do think I’ve made some progress in how I go about things regarding guys (baby steps people, I’ve been this way a looong time).  I even tried going the route of being open and honest with my feelings instead of acting like my ‘tough cookie’ self and like nothing ever bothers me or that I always have all my shit together (’cause as you all well know; I certainly don’t).  It didn’t exactly work out for me and I was told by many people not to do it, but you know what?   If I’m going to get hurt in the end anyway, I’d rather just have the other person know how I feel.  It’s not like they can use that knowledge to hurt me anymore than they already have, so why not just lay it on the table?  I took the high road and instead of being a bitch and letting him know all that I thought was wrong with him, I let him know all that I thought was pretty damn terrific about him (that, for a variety of reasons, he isn’t able to see for himself right now).   Sure, I didn’t look like the ‘nothing bothers me’ person I usually am around guys, but it was kinda nice to just put it out there.  And I didn’t actually die of embarrassment from letting him know how I was feeling.  And one of these days I’m actually going to find a guy who appreciates someone who does have their shit together in ‘real’ life and yet is willing to be vulnerable and open herself up to a world of hurt when it comes to romance.  That’s kinda something new for me.

Not to worry though, when was the last time I really liked a guy?  Yeah, search back in my blog.  Aside from some random drunken ‘he was awesome’ nights, it doesn’t happen very often.  Kinda like never. 😦


13 Responses to “Fair Warning”

  1. Janet in Philly Says:

    You ARE A-OK, GG, and you ARE a good catch. You are trying, and there’s someone out there for you, me, and every other beautiful intelligent funny woman reading your blog. Put on Gloria Gaynor and sing “I will survive” at the top of your lungs while dancing around your living room.
    Or not. Oh h*ll, it’s the best I could think of before coffee..

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks so much Janet. Although I am a little concerned that this is hitting me so early this year, you’re right; I will survive 🙂

  2. Sorry about the birthday blues. I get them myself every year and actually have most of my life. When I was a kid I’d build up all this excitement about the day, but then when it finally arrived I couldn’t really enjoy it, because all I could think of was that in a few hours it would all be over.

    Now my problem is more in the line of yours. I’m always feeling that I haven’t accomplished anything and that I’m far behind everyone else. This year was really bad, because it was the big 3-0!

    I really wish I could find words of comfort to you, but honestly I don’t know how to fight that awful feeling. I think you’re on to some of the right things though: you ARE a catch and one day you WILL meet a man who appreciates all that you have to offer.

    Until then, let me know if you figure out how to handle the birthday blues 🙂

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks BAS. I will absolutely let you know if I figure out how to make them disappear.

  3. jgavinallan Says:

    Janet in Philly knows what she is talking about…you are the prize…only a winner will get you and you get him

    • Grey Goose, Dirty Says:

      Thanks Jaye. I hope you’re right.

      • Janet in Philly Says:

        Of course, here is another of my single friend’s theory of birthdays:

        ” I discovered that there is an inverse relationship between the quality of the birthday and the overall wonderfulness of the following year. If you have a phenomenally good birthday, then something really bad is going to happen. So….. if your birthday sucks, then you’ll have a great year!”

        Let me be the first to wish you a “craptastic” birthday, GG! -J

  4. The T Says:

    meh… you can kill father time, you just have to workout every day and put his name on the underside of your shoes so you step on him driving him down little by little… do you feel like you’re becoming 44???


    • Hi Thomas, you may have missed the ‘meaning’ of this post or my underlying challenges regarding birthdays. I don’t feel older, nor do I look older, but I don’t worry about birthdays regarding physical appearance (I’m pretty good on that front), it’s more the relationship and emotional end of things that get me down. I highly doubt anyone would guess my age, however that does me no good if I don’t have someone to snuggle up with at night.

  5. Hi GG,

    I actually read you post earlier but I had to come back and write because I have thinking about what you wrote. I can honestly relate to how you feel. It does suck.

    In those yucky moments try and remember that you are not alone. Just look at all the people that come to visit your blog. I (as Im sure many others here,) admire you for your strength and courage to put yourself out there for all that it is and you do it just by being you! So if you can attract all these readers to your blog..you will attract him too. I have learned to accept that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. I share this with you in case it may help you too?

    I understand – Love isnt supposed to be this hard. And that’s the thing. When it’s gonna happen..it WILL happen. If you can, try and let go of the thought of “I am single.” Dwell less on what you don’t have and start focusing on what you do have. There are no easy answers so I guess were are all trying to just support each other in our dreams.

    With this year’s birthday wish….by this time next year I look forward to reading about how you will be celebrating your special day with someone special. Come now. Positive thoughts. It will happen. Keep believing Be strong.

    • Thank you SO much for your very sweet and thoughtful comment. It means a lot to me to know that there are others out there pulling for me (as I do them). This whole blog thing still knocks me for a loop that there are people that are genuinely interested in my silly day to day life and struggles to find ‘the one’ (the one that doesn’t make me want to throw myself off the roof, that is). 😉

      I know I’ll find him one of these days …… I’m just getting sick of looking 🙂 I will do my best to heed your advice.


  6. everevie Says:

    Yeah…my bday is next week and I’ve been keeping it on the down-low b/c I’m not dealing well with it.

    I never measured my life by whether or not a man found me “worthy” but I have started feeling that there is something missing…there is an absence where there should be a presence. I realized last year…that I’m suddenly wanting/hoping for/missing…”the one”. And I can’t just tell somebody that I want “him” for my bday.

    I think…by your own admission…you have made some significant changes to the way you relate to a man you “like”. That’s important…b/c you will be even more prepared when your “one” shows up. 🙂

    • Thanks Evie. I’m sorry you’re feeling down about your birthday. 😦 Look up and read what Shades of Matter posted for me. It’s very sweet and absolutely applies to you too 🙂

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