I think it only fair to warn everyone about a little ‘quirk’ (and by quirk I mean annoying yet ingrained habit) of mine that happens each and every year. Right around my birthday. Shit. Yup, I have a birthday coming up next month and aside from the oh-so-important decision of whether or not to actually change the title of my blog from 43 to 44 (ouch, that hurt to write), I tend to get a bit sappy and introspective. In a totally ridiculous woe-is-me sorta way. And obviously the festivities start way before the actual day (why wait ’til the last minute I figure to feel sorry for myself 😉 ). I’m going to try to do my best to minimize this lovely habit of mine this year though. Nope, I’m not anywhere near where I thought I would be at this age. Relationship-wise or otherwise; I need to get over it. Things aren’t so bad. I’m a-okay. I am however apparently going to hit yet another birthday with no significant other. And by that, I mean no bike riding partner. Or *gasp* no boyfriend. Damn it.
I do not measure my self worth by my relationship status (much). I know I’m a damn good catch. For someone with a big enough mitt. And no, that wasn’t a crack referring to the size of my ass, but rather my somewhat ‘big’ personality. I do use birthdays as relationship milestones though. Some people make resolutions for New Years. I make them for birthdays. And I am apparently going to miss hitting another one this year as well ……
I do think I’ve made some progress in how I go about things regarding guys (baby steps people, I’ve been this way a looong time). I even tried going the route of being open and honest with my feelings instead of acting like my ‘tough cookie’ self and like nothing ever bothers me or that I always have all my shit together (’cause as you all well know; I certainly don’t). It didn’t exactly work out for me and I was told by many people not to do it, but you know what? If I’m going to get hurt in the end anyway, I’d rather just have the other person know how I feel. It’s not like they can use that knowledge to hurt me anymore than they already have, so why not just lay it on the table? I took the high road and instead of being a bitch and letting him know all that I thought was wrong with him, I let him know all that I thought was pretty damn terrific about him (that, for a variety of reasons, he isn’t able to see for himself right now). Sure, I didn’t look like the ‘nothing bothers me’ person I usually am around guys, but it was kinda nice to just put it out there. And I didn’t actually die of embarrassment from letting him know how I was feeling. And one of these days I’m actually going to find a guy who appreciates someone who does have their shit together in ‘real’ life and yet is willing to be vulnerable and open herself up to a world of hurt when it comes to romance. That’s kinda something new for me.
Not to worry though, when was the last time I really liked a guy? Yeah, search back in my blog. Aside from some random drunken ‘he was awesome’ nights, it doesn’t happen very often. Kinda like never. 😦