Yup, although I bailed on craptastic E-Horrorme over a month ago, they still like to send me awesome dating advice. And by awesome, I mean kinda really retarded. I like to think of it as their little way of reminding why I hate them so much. As if I could ever forget the plethora of 5’8′ and under guys that they sent me ………. Today’s ‘tip’ was entitled ‘The Top 10 Things That Men Find Sexy’ and what followed was absolutely earth shattering (if you’re a moron). As I’m a giver, I thought I’d share with you just in case you were wondering what these ever elusive traits are:
1) A woman should be playful
2) A woman should be beautiful (uh, really shitheads?)
3) A woman should be grown up about sex (I have absolutely no clue what they mean by this. Do many women ‘flick’ a guy’s bike stand and then run away giggling?)
4) A woman should like and understand men (okay, first of all, duh she shouldn’t be a lesbian but I’m a little iffy on the understanding men part as I seem to have misplaced my super secret decoder ring regarding these things. I guess that why I’m still single)
5) She should be affectionate (really? guys don’t like ice queens? who knew)
6) She knows how to say ‘thank you’ (uh, would that be by saying ‘thank you’?)
7) She’s willing to bend the rules (being as my mind is perpetually in the gutter, this one just sorta scared me a little)
8.) She’s willing to set aside her fear (fear of the guy turning into a douchebag? a stalker? a total pervert? fear of spiders? fear of heights? be more specific people!)
9) She must be a great kisser (I’ve definitely got this one in the bag 😉 )
10) She likes to laugh (I guess they mean not directly at your date)
While most of these things are common sense and all of them are absolutely stupid, I have a hard time wrapping my head around how being these things will score you a guy. Let’s see, I’m playful, I’m not all that hideous, I can’t actually remember if I’m grown up about sex or not as it’s been too flippin’ long, I absolutely like men, I don’t always understand them though, I’m very affectionate, I absolutely know how to say thank you (verbally and otherwise 😉 ), I don’t really follow ‘rules’ so I’m good there, I am afraid of bridges so if that’s a deal breaker for some guy then I’m pretty much S.O.L., I’m an awesome kisser (no really, I am ~ hell, I’ve certainly had enough practice), I’m almost always laughing (yes, both at and with my dates or any other random thing that crosses my mind). So let’s see, according to the midget promoters I’m pretty much the holy grail of ‘sexy’. Yeah, that’s just great and all, but it still hasn’t gotten me very far. Darn it.
Oh, and this stellar ‘article’ of theirs? Yeah, it was right above their other earth shattering one entitled ‘Love Me, Love My Allergies’. Really?