First of all, I want to thank everyone for their very kind messages to me regarding my last post, I just wasn’t quite up to responding to them. Yesterday was a bit of a shit day. I couldn’t (and still can’t) believe that after an entire month of ‘radio silence’ on his part, when I was finally coming to terms with things, he felt the need to absolve himself of any guilt (ha). Sure, I hadn’t completely given up hope that I would hear from him at some point down the road, but c’mon, after not hearing from him for so long I kinda had it figured out. Duh. For him to bring it all crashing back to me and basically just add insult to injury, really sucked. The fact the he did it solely to make himself feel better and in his usual incoherent and circular manner sucked even worse. No wait, the fact that he had to point out, in the same breath that he wasn’t/isn’t ready/able for a relationship AND that he’s been seeing someone may have been my favorite. And by favorite, I mean kinda like being kicked in gut.
As we all know that I am absolutely incapable of letting well enough alone or just ignoring things, you had to expect that I would respond. So I did what any
(in)sane woman would do. I reread the message no less than 20 times, worked on a reply for the better part of 2 hours, sent it off to 2 friends to ‘approve’, ignored their advice, and sent it anyway. I tried to find the proper balance of guilt trip mixed with shittiness mixed with flabbergastedness. I did my best to minimize the ‘I’m a stupid, needy loser’ aspect of it, but I fear that that got included as well. Just so I can look back on this one day and realize what an idiot I was, and you all can as well (as if you already don’t), here was my response:
Fuckhead, Asshole, Selfish DumbassWebster,
If I’m being honest, I can’t really say ‘thanks for the e-mail’ as I sort of wish you hadn’t sent it. Or had sent it sooner. Or hadn’t have led me on to begin with. It seems as if you sent it to make yourself feel better without much regard for my feelings. You spent much of the message (and the last parts of our communication) explaining how you didn’t know what you wanted, that you weren’t ready for a relationship, whatever and then end by telling me that you’re seeing someone and have been for a while. Pretty much what it comes down to is this: It’s not that you didn’t want a relationship or weren’t ready, it’s that you just didn’t want one with me. I get it. It’s just a pretty big slap in the face to actually read it and I’m not quite sure why you felt the need to tell me about it.
Pretty sure I made it clear to you that i’m not usually very open with my feelings and rarely allow others ‘in’ as I’m a bit terrified of having that used against me and ending up hurt. I did let my guard down with you. I did think we had great chemistry together and to find out it was pretty much one sided is a pretty tough pill to swallow. Granted, I didn’t deal with your flakiness well at the time, but I am having a hard time wrapping my head around why you would go to such great lengths to let me know that you just needed some time but still wanted to see me when that was not your intention at all. (no need to answer that as it’s a bit rhetorical) We all have our insecurities, and you played upon mine, intentional or not. I think you could have saved yourself a lot of time and effort, and me a lot of worrying and ridiculously misplaced optimism by just telling me you had met someone else when it happened (which, thinking back, I’m pretty sure must have overlapped).
None of this changes the way that I felt at the time. I was pretty excited to see where things would take us, both physically and otherwise, but well, things just don’t work out the way you think a lot of the time. I’m sorry I believed everything that you told me at the beginning and sorry that I allowed myself to care. I hope you’ve found what you’re looking for and that she makes you happy. I am sorry that you felt the need to basically rub my nose in it though as after all, what I am left to take away from this e-mail is that you chose someone else over me. Not a stellar feeling and leaves me feeling like a tremendous idiot and much more hurt than I really should be.
And wouldn’t you know it that after never being capable of responding to a text message or an e mail in a timely manner (or at all for that matter) during the entire time I knew him, he responded back with this. Within 10 minutes:
I can understand how you may feel what you feel. It was not my
intention to hurt you as such. I am sorry for hurting your feelings
and violating your trust.
FWIW, there was no overlap and you are NOT an idiot, in the remotest sense.
You are a quality gal with a lot going for her, good looks, kindness,
sense of humor, intelligence, balanced, focused, considerate. I could
I am sorry.
Wow, thanks douchebag for pointing out all of my awesome attributes. Maybe you could help me with my new online dating profile. Or possibly my application to accounting school (really? balanced & focused?) Too bad the one thing that is missing from the mix apparently is ‘familiarity’. Out of all the points made above, that’s what you opted to address? Fuck You Webster. You lied to me when that was the only thing I ever asked of you not to do. And no, I didn’t respond to this one. There’s nothing left to say. I have to be able to hold onto at least an ounce of self respect ………..