***WARNING**** although I certainly didn’t set out for this post to be some maudlin depressing piece of shit, it seems to have turned into one. for those of you that like me for my wit and humor and (lack of) charm, this is not the post for you to read. 😦
Honestly, I was going to title this post ‘the countdown begins’, but someone beat me to it on a post today ;-). Yup, 6 more days of being an online dating single gal of 43. Come Monday, I will magically transform into an online dating single gal of 44. Age is totally just a number for me. I don’t feel 44. I don’t think I look 44. I sure as hell don’t act 44. However, the fact remains that I will be one year older and all of my online dating profiles will reflect that number and make me one less year appealing to all the young skirt chasers. Crap.
I think I mentioned that I am always out of town for my birthday. I don’t tell people in my ‘real world’ when it is. They must think that I never age? Only my out of state friends, my blog friends, and my family (when they remember) know when it is. I always take my birthday week off from work. I always go somewhere fun. 2 years ago it was to Punta Cana in the DR (can’t wait to go back), and last year it was to Huntington. 3 years ago it was a cruise. Are you seeing a pattern here? It’s not that I am trying to ‘escape’ getting older, it’s just that I am somewhat terrified of being alone on my birthday, so by being on vacation, I can insure that I’m never alone. Never, never, never am I left in town for my birthday. Although I don’t tell people when it is, it makes me feel bad if/when they should forget, so I can justify it by never actually telling them. Ass backwards thinking on my part, I know, but it is what it is. I’ve always been this way. Every year I optimistically hope that I will be seeing some amazing man and him I would tell so he could plan a special evening for us. Nope, it wouldn’t have to involve fancy restaurants, shiny baubles or anything extravagant. I’ve always just wanted to spend my birthday (the entire day) in bed with a great guy. And no, I don’t mean sleeping. It has yet to happen and is definitely not happening this year either. For that, I’m kinda really sad. I’m also sad about being stuck in town.
I decided the other day that I need some ocean time. I don’t care where, but I need to park my stupid, whiney ass on a beach somewhere and just be able to look at and listen to the waves. Regardless of my mood or highly frenetic life, whenever I’m able to do this, I’m at peace. All is good. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to do that.
This year has been filled with a lot of ups and downs for me. Personally, financially, and professionally. It’s a lot for one person to handle. I fear that I am not handling things very well at all at this point. I seem to have sort of lost my way and I am trying desperately to find it again. Or choose a new path. Here’s the problem. I don’t really know what I want anymore. Out of any aspect of my life. I keep hoping that I’ll stumble across it and some sort of light bulb will go off, but that’s just silly. Don’t get me wrong, I have a terrific life. I am a happy person by nature. I’m just not very happy right now. 😦 And my stupid birthday is exemplifying it and amplifying it. I did not accomplish what I set out to last year. I am no closer to figuring out what it is that I really want. More so, how I can go about getting it.
I have never, and hopefully will never, base my happiness on others. I have gained all that I have ~ semi-success, good friends, a wicked sense of humor, a nice life, a nice house and a fairly good heart ~ all on my own. With no help from anyone else. In a way that’s awesome as I like being independent and self sufficient. It just gets kinda old sometimes.
Yeah, as you’ve all guessed, I’m still not dealing with the shitty ‘aftermath’ very well. I’m trying my best to pull myself out of it, but it just doesn’t seem to be working. No clue how I could have been just fine last week and then even worse off than I was to begin with by the receipt of just one horridly worded e-mail. Crap.
Anyway, as I was saying, 6 more days until my birthday. I still have time to make plans to escape town for a couple of days, but aren’t sure. Eh, whatever. I do plan on filling my calendar up with happy hours for the week I am off, so that will be good. Oh vodka, how I’ve missed you so ……… 😉 Oh, and just to prove that you don’t have to be male to be a douche, I have been invited to a birthday celebration to celebrate my sister’s birthday. My TWIN sister’s birthday. Really??
And this ends depressing, introspective Monday………… feel free to stop reading my blog at any time …….