43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

6 More Days, Or is it 5? August 9, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 12:05 am

***WARNING**** although I certainly didn’t set out for this post to be some maudlin depressing piece of shit, it seems to have turned into one.  for those of you that like me for my wit and humor and (lack of) charm, this is not the post for you to read. 😦

Honestly, I was going to title this post ‘the countdown begins’, but someone beat me to it on a post today ;-).  Yup, 6 more days of being an online dating single gal of 43.  Come Monday, I will magically transform into an online dating single gal of 44.  Age is totally just a number for me.  I don’t feel 44.  I don’t think I look 44.  I sure as hell don’t act 44.  However, the fact remains that I will be one year older and all of my online dating profiles will reflect that number and make me one less year appealing to all the young skirt chasers.  Crap.

I think I mentioned that I am always out of town for my birthday.  I don’t tell people in my ‘real world’ when it is.  They must think that I never age?  Only my out of state friends, my blog friends, and my family (when they remember) know when it is.  I always take my birthday week off from work.  I always go somewhere fun.  2 years ago it was to Punta Cana in the DR (can’t wait to go back), and last year it was to Huntington.  3 years ago it was a cruise.  Are you seeing a pattern here?  It’s not that I am trying to ‘escape’ getting older, it’s just that I am somewhat terrified of being alone on my birthday, so by being on vacation, I can insure that I’m never alone.  Never, never, never am I left in town for my birthday.  Although I don’t tell people when it is, it makes me feel bad if/when they should forget, so I can justify it by never actually telling them.  Ass backwards thinking on my part, I know, but it is what it is.  I’ve always been this way.   Every year I optimistically hope that I will be seeing some amazing man and him I would tell so he could plan a special evening for us.  Nope, it wouldn’t have to involve fancy restaurants, shiny baubles or anything extravagant.  I’ve always just wanted to spend my birthday (the entire day) in bed with a great guy.  And no, I don’t mean sleeping.  It has yet to happen and is definitely not happening this year either.  For that, I’m kinda really sad.  I’m also sad about being stuck in town.

I decided the other day that I need some ocean time.  I don’t care where, but I need to park my stupid, whiney ass on a beach somewhere and just be able to look at and listen to the waves.  Regardless of my mood or highly frenetic life, whenever I’m able to do this, I’m at peace.  All is good.  It’s been too long since I’ve been able to do that.

This year has been filled with a lot of ups and downs for me.  Personally, financially, and professionally.  It’s a lot for one person to handle.  I fear that I am not handling things very well at all at this point.  I seem to have sort of lost my way and I am trying desperately to find it again.  Or choose a new path.  Here’s the problem.  I don’t really know what I want anymore.  Out of any aspect of my life.  I keep hoping that I’ll stumble across it and some sort of light bulb will go off, but that’s just silly.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a terrific life.  I am a happy person by nature.  I’m just not very happy right now. 😦  And my stupid birthday is exemplifying it and amplifying it.  I did not accomplish what I set out to last year.  I am no closer to figuring out what it is that I really want.  More so, how I can go about getting it.

I have never, and hopefully will never, base my happiness on others.  I have gained all that I have ~ semi-success, good friends, a wicked sense of humor, a nice life, a nice house and a fairly good heart ~ all on my own.  With no help from anyone else.  In a way that’s awesome as I like being independent and self sufficient.  It just gets kinda old sometimes. 

Yeah, as you’ve all guessed, I’m still not dealing with the shitty ‘aftermath’ very well.  I’m trying my best to pull myself out of it, but it just doesn’t seem to be working.  No clue how I could have been just fine last week and then even worse off than I was to begin with by the receipt of just one horridly worded e-mail.  Crap.

Anyway, as I was saying, 6 more days until my birthday.  I still have time to make plans to escape town for a couple of days, but aren’t sure.  Eh, whatever.  I do plan on filling my calendar up with happy hours for the week I am off, so that will be good.  Oh vodka, how I’ve missed you so ……… 😉 Oh, and just to prove that you don’t have to be male to be a douche, I have been invited to a birthday celebration to celebrate my sister’s birthday.  My TWIN sister’s birthday.  Really??

And this ends depressing, introspective Monday………… feel free to stop reading my blog at any time …….


19 Responses to “6 More Days, Or is it 5?”

  1. Surrey gal Says:

    Did your twin really invite you for her birthday party???
    I’m sorry to hear that you are down. You will pull yourself out of it, it may take some time but you will.
    And I hope you will figure out what it is that you want – I know how hard it is not to know, I don’t know myself. xxx

  2. I hate when birthdays come around people start becoming more introspective and that becomes more depressing. Hopefully when your birthday passes you’ll feel better. Isn’t it weird how family always seems to know how to make us feel really shitty?

  3. jgavinallan Says:

    GG: I hope you feel better…it is a terrible time to feel depressed

  4. I hope you know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. You are not alone; I do understand what you are feeling. I know that doesn’t help you. Can I make a suggestion or two? First on your birthday find a way to get out of town even if it is the next town. Can you go to another city or go visit a friend? Some way some how even if you have to get in your car and go check into a hotel…do it! Then book a vacation as a birthday present to yourself? It sounds like you have a connection to the water. It does not have to be $$ but it sounds like it’s just what you need to do. Remove yourself by force if you have to – but you need to get out of your everyday surroundings. If you can’t do any of these things then a) make a plan to do it when you can b) come visit me:)

    • Thanks Shades. I’ve already got plans for my birthday (lunch & a movie with a friend, happy hour with another friend and then out to dinner with yet someone else), not one of them knows it’s my birthday though, but at least I’ll be busy. 🙂

      Thanks for your kind thoughts. I just hate when I get this way and am usually able to pull myself out of my pity party, but since this one is mainly thanks to someone else, I seem to be a little stuck…………

      As far as ‘figuring it all out’ ……… I assume that will happen …… eventually ……… when I’m 90

  5. Janet in Philly Says:

    You’ll get through it, GG. Sounds like you have some good things coming up. Cheers!
    If it’s any comfort, there are alot of us in the same boat. If you dare, Google “Happiness U Curve” . Supposedly we’re unhappiest in our mid-forties, but life starts to improve after 50 (still waitin’ on that..). Of course as someone was telling me this I was in tears..as usual.

    • Thanks Janet. I know I’ll get thru it, I’d just rather avoid it is all. 😉 So, what you’re telling me is that I’m average and normal? Who’d have guessed? Not thrilled about this having to wait until I’m 50 business, but if google says so ………

  6. everevie Says:

    You never seem to like it much when I tell you how I look to your example for guidance in my own life…but I do. And here’s why:

    Because you are PROACTIVE. You pursue the things you want out of life. You certainly aren’t the type to bitch and moan about things you can change but don’t…you actually DO work to change those things. You are upfront about your feelings, you are working your ass off on the internet-dating thing. You work your ass off at your jobs too.

    I know you feel your efforts aren’t working right now…but I believe they will.

    I hope you start reaping all you’ve sown…and I hope it’s soon.

  7. I fear I’m changing your countdown it is no longer the countdown to unwanted birthdays instead we’ll countdown to Saturday which is way more fun! Yay Saturday!!

  8. stevesw Says:

    Yay Saturday!

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