Uhm, okay, not quite sure where to start. My claim of being ‘all better’ the other day regarding Webster and his douchey qualities? Yeah, that lasted about a day. I kinda, sorta fell apart again Wednesday night. I’m certainly not an overly emotional person and I can’t stand crying, but damn if I haven’t been weepy as shit lately. Hate it! Affects every single aspect of my life and makes me feel helpless and weak. I had been kicking around the idea of just e-mailing Webster and asking if we could meet up. I even went so far as to draft not one, but two potential messages to him. Which I both deleted because hello? Could I sound like a bigger needy loser? I knew I would get over this (again) but was pissed and frustrated that I had to. Yeah, so I sent him an e mail yesterday morning. While being a weepy shit in bed. From my phone. Which I ‘claim’ to have done by accident although I really sorta meant to send it. Okay, here it is (and this is the point where you yell at your computer screen and call me all sorts of embarrassing names for being such a weenie):
I can’t believe i’m writing this, but I seem to be all stuck up in my head regarding that e mail that you sent me. I wasn’t before receiving it, but am now. New territory for me and kinda really sucks and the timing couldn’t have been worse (my birthday is Monday and full of self doubt and questions isn’t really how I want to go into that day).
I’m going to be running errands over by you today and am hoping you can set aside a few minutes to meet up with me. I’m hoping that by being able to talk to you, i’ll somehow get the closure that I seem to need and am unable to find on my own.
I realize it’s totally unfair of me to ask this of you, (i’m embarrassed as hell to even be asking) and that you don’t owe me a thing, but I am hoping that you’ll agree. I would really appreciate it.
(Oh, and you can ask you girlfriend or even bring her along; that isn’t what this is about)
Honestly, I don’t know what I was expecting. That he would realize he’d made a mistake and want me back? That he’d see me and remember how awesome I really am? That I’d finally be able to get some of the lurking/lying questions answered? That I could call him a fuckhead and rant all over him? Who knows. You all know that I am pretty infamous for acting before thinking things thru. Yup, I kinda suck that way. I just really needed some help finding some clarity on this one and sort of hoped that actually seeing him again would snap me out of this, since the last time I saw him I had no clue would be the last time.
So I send this awesome piece of loserness at 7am. And proceed to ponder how my other ‘drafts’ were much better than this one. Really? I don’t know if I expected him to respond back or not, but I sorta guessed that he wouldn’t. Hell, I don’t even know what I’d ask him for heaven’s sake other than a lame ole’ ‘why her and not me’? So I went about my business of being a stupid weepy zombie yesterday. Complete with RUNNING (not walking) to my phone every time I heard a chime signifying an e-mail. Yup, nothin’. Big shocker. Until 12:30. When he offered to meet me at 1:30 at a place near his house. Holy shit! Uh, I guess I really didn’t expect him to respond as it threw me into a panic. What to wear? What to ask? How hard I’m going to have to shove my fingernail into the palm of my hand to prevent myself from crying. You know, the regular stuff.
So after deciding what the hell to wear and deciding on a cute dress that shows WAY too much cleavage for daytime, I set off to meet Webster. And end up at the wrong place. As I’m standing outside wondering why he’s late, I double-check my e-mails to see that I was at the wrong location! Nice! So I jump in my car and speed off. As I had deleted his phone number from my phone last week, I couldn’t call him, so I sent an e-mail explaining. Anyway, I get there and can’t find him so assume he left. Asshole. Whoopsie, no he didn’t. He was sitting inside waiting for me.
Okay, so here’s the deal, I asked him most of what I wanted to, I DID tear up like I didn’t want to and wouldn’t you fucking know it, we were sitting inside, so I couldn’t hide behind my sunglasses. In a nutshell, the hard truth is that I’m not the one for him and ‘she’ is. ‘She’ is a doctor, btw. I can’t compete with that shit. Oh, and ‘he feels like he’s known her forever’. *gag* He apologized for leading me on and absolutely admitted to being a coward for what he did (which still doesn’t really explain the ‘i still want to date you’ part). He apologized for running away. He apologized for just about everything. He blames a lot of it on his being scared and not knowing what he wanted. So of course i called him out on that as I thought it was amazing how he actually figured out in the whopping 1 week lag time between she and I. Oh, and I also pointed out, just ’cause I’m petty like that, that since he never actually told me that he didn’t want to see me again after telling me he did, that the entire start of their relationship was technically an overlap. And that’s when he admitted that he just felt there was some sort of disconnect between he and I. Doesn’t explain why he led me on for so long, but I can’t really argue if he didn’t feel I was right. Hurt like hell to hear ’cause everything that he didn’t feel with me, i felt for him. He actually told me he felt the disconnect (something about spirituality which i’m sure i made a lame joke about) the night I was over at his house for dinner. Although I didn’t flat out ask him about not sleeping with me, he avoided it on purpose he says as he knew things weren’t ‘right’ and he would be taking advantage of me. Not sure I believe that, but what can I do?
I didn’t ask him about OkStupid as that’s none of my business anymore, yet could have asked him why he was doing it when we were ‘together’, but opted not to. I told him that his ‘yey! i’m working on my relationship & communication issues with someone else!’ absolutely sucked and he apologized for that but thanked me for helping him to realize what he was doing wrong …….. uh, super…….. And I did ask him ‘why her and not me’ (i told you i suck) and he couldn’t explain it as he said ‘she’ and I are very similar (minus the medical degree and huge salary). However the underlying gist of it all was that although I was ‘fun’, he just didn’t feel a serious connection (big idiot). I lamely told him that he didn’t give us a fair chance and he agreed.
In a nutshell, although I really wanted to feel otherwise, I still fucking like the guy (and he looks really good – he’s lost @ 20lbs) as he is a good guy, but know that there will never be an ‘us’ and fully realize that every single thing that he did dicking me around was uber shitty (how’s that for a total contradiction?). I really wish I could be pissed at him, but it just doesn’t seem to stick.
He’s exceptionally screwed up. And afraid. Of everything. And we will never ‘be’. I have no choice but to be okay with that. I didn’t get all the answers I wanted and certainly didn’t get some of the responses that I had hoped for, but all in all, I (think) i’m glad I did it. And I’m glad that despite all of the shit that he put me through, that he really does have a good heart (stop yelling at me, I know how absolutely ridiculous I sound!). really though, how many guys would sit down with someone who they dumped as he knew how shitty I felt and he didn’t want me to feel that way. Yes, I know; how friggin’ ironic since he single handedly did it. I just don’t think he met with me to soothe his own guilt (but as we’re all wall aware, I’m pretty much a deluded mess these days).
‘She’ is a single mom who he met about 4 years ago and who he specifically asked out about a month ago (lie about the planetary alignment and the ‘it just sorta happened’ part)
‘She’ makes him happy
He lost his job yesterday
His soon to be ex wants to get back together
He’s not sure how he feels about anything
He’s still selfish and when I told him that he looked good, he said ‘thank you’…. period ……… uhm……..
He genuinely felt bad about making me cry (shoot me) and making me miserable and kept asking what else he could answer to make me feel better
He gave me a very awkward hug at the end (2 hours later)
He listed off a litany of my ‘good qualities’ and told me that I am actually very similar to ‘her’ …… gee thanks
I lied and told him I was seeing someone after comparing and discarding others for not measuring up to him
I totally liked him more than he liked me (duh)
We may be going to the shooting range next week ………. he’s unemployed, i’m off work, he makes me laugh, i’m a loser ……… we’ll have to see what ‘she’ says about that (and no, I don’t see me ever getting ‘another chance’)
In the end, I do feel a little better. For what it’s worth, it’s over and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. He really didn’t answer some of my questions, but I feel better for at least having gotten the chance to ask them …. I can’t believe the dumb fucker has THREE women who want to be with him (lucky shit). I did manage to slip in there that all of my friends hated him though……
total summation of the afternoon: i suck; he’s happy; i’m single
I hope to GOD i’m not lying to myself about this. 😦
And as a very good and trusted friend pointed out (as well as all of you), he’s NOT a good guy. He’s a decent guy and might have a good heart buried beneath all the bullshit, but that he is, in fact, a dick. I wish I could hate him. I really do. It’s just like hating a puppy. He’s just so fucking stupid.
Please remind me of why he’s not, in fact, a good guy and why I would even think that he is after all that he did.