Everyone’s always heard of the phrase about not living life with regrets. Regrets are horrible as they just eat away at you. At least they do at me. I have lived my life with very few regrets. The ones that I do have are solely based on the fact that I am an overly responsible person. With my life, with my finances, with my heart. Anything I have not done, and have ended up regretting has been based on my overthinking and trying to weigh the cost/benefit factor. That’s a pretty crappy way to live. I have missed out on a few wonderful opportunities in my life because of this. I don’t know how they would have turned out in the end of course, but the fact that I will now never know is a tough one to take sometimes.
I used to vacation at Club Med a lot. I mean, A LOT. When I was just out of college I was at one of their lovely properties in Huatulco, Mexico. Absolutely beautiful. Wonderful people, amazing scenery, nonstop flow of alcohol. What could be better? As I usually do, I befriended all the employees there. Now, to be an employee for Club Med at the property level pretty much means you’re paid to party with the guests and make sure everyone has a good time (pretty much in any way possible). Everyone was always so fun. On my 2nd to the last day the ‘cheif’ of the village (club med speak for property manager or big wig in charge) offered me a job to stay on for 6 months. Holy shit! I’d always wanted to do that. What a dream come true! Unfortunately I had a house that I owned as well as a dog and I couldn’t figure out what to do with either while I was away. I also knew that I should really be out looking for a ‘real’ job at that point in my life. In the end, I turned the job down and came home. And have regretted it every single day of my life since then.
I have tried not to have regrets. I do my best to take chances although it’s far from my nature and very foreign to me. I wonder where I would be in life if I was just a little less responsible and took chances in all aspects of my life. I haven’t had regrets for years. Until recently. And it’s the most ridiculous regret in the world and it’s bugging the shit out of me and I can’t seem to get past it as I don’t know why I just didn’t go for it. Yes, it has to do with a particular dictionary that shall remain nameless. And a certain cardiovascular activity. We’re all aware that no one has turned me on like he did in a loooooong time. Regardless of anything else, physical chemistry is a HUGE thing to me. Sadly, I’ve got some hang ups about bike riding. I used to not. I used to take whoever the hell I wanted for a ride and not care. I haven’t been able to do that lately. Aside from my one night stand last year with FWB, my previous BF, from 4 years ago was my last bike ride. I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how. I’m afraid that my body isn’t what it used to be. I’m afraid of both rejection and the possibility of doing something ‘wrong’. I don’t know where these thoughts came from. I’ve never had any complaints about either and am pretty sure I know my way around the course, but still they sit in the back of my mind. I’m also afraid to express these fears to the person I’m interested in as that would make me appear weak and heaven forbid I do that, right? I had several opportunities to take Webster for a ride and REALLY wanted to. I didn’t though. Because I was scared. And I don’t know why. He would have been the perfect one to re-enter the world of competitive bike riding with. As I was the 1st person he’d kissed in 7 months, I’m quite positive, I’d have been the 1st person he’d have slept with as well. He was sweet and gentle and knew all the right buttons to push. He was also hugely respectful and I kinda felt like if I pushed the agenda I’d come off as a slut. Uh, hello? I wish! There were 2 nights in particular that I really wanted to. And it would have been so easy to agree. But I didn’t. I always thought there would be a ‘next time’. And there wasn’t. And now he’s riding bikes with someone else. Do I think he would have stuck around longer or not done his disappearing acts or been more attentive after that 1st wonderful week? Hell yes I do. Whether that’s accurate or not, I do think i would have held his interest longer had I. I am fully aware that if he really cared, he’d have waited (like he said he would), but the truth of the matter is that I didn’t want to wait and am still fairly uncertain of why I did. Sure, it would have hurt worse had I slept with him and then the same shit happened in the same time frame, but at least I would have known. The thing is, now I’ll never know. It took me almost 4 years to find someone who I couldn’t wait to sleep with and I missed my chance. I can’t help but wonder how much longer the next ‘gap’ will be and if I’ll be any less willing to be my annoyingly responsible and overthinking self 😦