43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Regrets August 14, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 11:57 am

Everyone’s always heard of the phrase about not living life with regrets.  Regrets are horrible as they just eat away at you.  At least they do at me.  I have lived my life with very few regrets.  The ones that I do have are solely based on the fact that I am an overly responsible person.  With my life, with my finances, with my heart.  Anything I have not done, and have ended up regretting has been based on my overthinking and trying to weigh the cost/benefit factor.  That’s a pretty crappy way to live.  I have missed out on a few wonderful opportunities in my life because of this.  I don’t know how they would have turned out in the end of course, but the fact that I will now never know is a tough one to take sometimes.

I used to vacation at Club Med a lot.  I mean, A LOT.  When I was just out of college I was at one of their lovely properties in Huatulco, Mexico.  Absolutely beautiful.  Wonderful people, amazing scenery, nonstop flow of alcohol.  What could be better?  As I usually do, I befriended all the employees there.  Now, to be an employee for Club Med at the property level pretty much means you’re paid to party with the guests and make sure everyone has a good time (pretty much in any way possible).  Everyone was always so fun.  On my 2nd to the last day the ‘cheif’ of the village (club med speak for property manager or big wig in charge) offered me a job to stay on for 6 months.  Holy shit!  I’d always wanted to do that.  What a dream come true!  Unfortunately I had a house that I owned as well as a dog and I couldn’t figure out what to do with either while I was away.  I also knew that I should really be out looking for a ‘real’ job at that point in my life.  In the end, I turned the job down and came home.  And have regretted it every single day of my life since then.

I have tried not to have regrets.  I do my best to take chances although it’s far from my nature and very foreign to me.  I wonder where I would be in life if I was just a little less responsible and took chances in all aspects of my life.  I haven’t had regrets for years.  Until recently.  And it’s the most ridiculous regret in the world and it’s bugging the shit out of me and I can’t seem to get past it as I don’t know why I just didn’t go for it.  Yes, it has to do with a particular dictionary that shall remain nameless.  And a certain cardiovascular activity.  We’re all aware that no one has turned me on like he did in a loooooong time.  Regardless of anything else, physical chemistry is a HUGE thing to me.  Sadly, I’ve got some hang ups about bike riding.  I used to not.  I used to take whoever the hell I wanted for a ride and not care.  I haven’t been able to do that lately.  Aside from my one night stand last year with FWB, my previous BF, from 4 years ago was my last bike ride.  I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how.  I’m afraid that my body isn’t what it used to be.  I’m afraid of both rejection and the possibility of doing something ‘wrong’.  I don’t know where these thoughts came from.  I’ve never had any complaints about either and am pretty sure I know my way around the course, but still they sit in the back of my mind.  I’m also afraid to express these fears to the person I’m interested in as that would make me appear weak and heaven forbid I do that, right?  I had several opportunities to take Webster for a ride and REALLY wanted to.  I didn’t though.  Because I was scared.  And I don’t know why.  He would have been the perfect one to re-enter the world of competitive bike riding with.  As I was the 1st person he’d kissed in 7 months, I’m quite positive, I’d have been the 1st person he’d have slept with as well.  He was sweet and gentle and knew all the right buttons to push.  He was also hugely respectful and I kinda felt like if I pushed the agenda I’d come off as a slut.  Uh, hello?  I wish!  There were 2 nights in particular that I really wanted to.  And it would have been so easy to agree.  But I didn’t.  I always thought there would be a ‘next time’.  And there wasn’t.  And now he’s riding bikes with someone else.  Do I think he would have stuck around longer or not done his disappearing acts or been more attentive after that 1st wonderful week?  Hell yes I do.  Whether that’s accurate or not, I do think i would have held his interest longer had I.  I am fully aware that if he really cared, he’d have waited (like he said he would), but the truth of the matter is that I didn’t want to wait and am still fairly uncertain of why I did.  Sure, it would have hurt worse had I slept with him and then the same shit happened in the same time frame, but at least I would have known.  The thing is, now I’ll never know.  It took me almost 4 years to find someone who I couldn’t wait to sleep with and I missed my chance.  I can’t help but wonder how much longer the next ‘gap’ will be and if I’ll be any less willing to be my annoyingly responsible and overthinking self 😦


27 Responses to “Regrets”

  1. mysterycoach Says:

    I hear you sweetheart… I have been single (on accident really, I just was so busy I didn’t look up) so I’ve been single for 8 years. The last time for me was 4 years ago as well and I’ve wondered the same thing if I remember what to do. They say it really is like a bike ride and I think with the right partner I (and you) will remember how it all fits together.

    If I had to guess, you didn’t do it because some where in there, maybe he wasn’t for you… I would have been afraid myself, it’s different now because (for me) I want quality not just some guy to sleep with or hope it’ll turn out okay. I’m willing to wait for all of the above and if a guy is patient, then that’s good for both our benefits. Sleeping with a man does not make him stay with you…

    Maybe it’s just a new leaf … where you want to, take your time. What’s … that’s not a bad thing. If things were right with him, I think you wouldn’t have been so confused right from the beginning… and you were. Maybe that was the voice of reason in your head. I don’t know… I”m not in there 🙂

    Figure, one thing I have learned is that sexual compatibility doesn’t equal us really liking the person in the morning, no matter how good it is 🙂 I’m not saying don’t ride a bike if you really like someone. I am saying you’re as normal as the day is long insofar as your concerns and not to beat yourself up so much… it’s very frustrating to look for a partner… breath honey. 🙂

    • Thanks MC. The thing is, at the beginning, I didn’t have any real concerns about W. It was all me being insecure about the actual ride itself and how he would perceive me if I slept with him too soon. Uh, shouldn’t I be past that age when I’m afraid of looking ‘easy’? I will never sleep with ‘just anyone’, but I do need to ‘jump’ when I do feel that the chemistry is right. I would rather have done it and looked back wishing I hadn’t than to go thru what I am now ….

      damn, i could have at the very least broken my dry spell 😉

  2. Grey,

    Don’t reget a thing you did with Webster or anything you didn’t do. You made all the decisions you did with the information you had available at the time. You had no way to know he would flitter away. If anything, you had some subconscious concerns that held you back.

    We’ve all got some big things we have done or avoided that were a fork in the road. Sometimes they’re as subtle as driving through an intersection a few minutes before a serious accident because we were more organized than usual in the morning and so we never even know of the lucky breaks we got.

    It’s all too easy to see the opportunities we missed. But it’s a false consolation. At Club Med, you might have had a great time…and contracted a lifelong STD. With Webster, he may have hung aroung just long enough for you to be deeply committed before he flaked away anyway.

    You did all the right things based on what you knew at the time. Don’t kick yourself or regret anything.

    • thanks SD. Much easier said than done. As I said to MC above though, my concerns were not with him at that time, but within myself. 😦

      And while I believe that ‘everything happens for a reason’, I just can’t quite figure out what this reason is …….

      • Over the course of my adult life, I’ve moved countries 6 times. Once was for the promise of love and that turned into more than 20 years of marriage. I’ve tended to be in jobs for years at a time. But each decision to switch jobs has been a big one and the job offers I never accepted (like the stint in Helsinki) might have been influential. I separated from my runaway wife in 1998 and deciding to not become/remain a statistic back then was not an easy one; how my girls’ lives might have been different…

        We all have reasons we did or didn’t jump at opportunities. My list is as long as anyone’s and the only way I can look forward in life is by not spending much time looking back. You’re absolutely right, it’s not easy, but I do it. I know for sure that you’re smart and strong enough to do it too. In fact, you’re more open and self-deprecating than me and can probably do it better.

        • damn SD, you have led a pretty diverse life by comparison. i seem to just live all up in my head most of the time. and self deprecation, while entertaining and amusing, does not make any of this easier. dammit

          i do appreciate your words though …… i know i’ll get over this, but i also know myself and realize that it’s going to take a while and most likely a ‘replacement’ of sorts ….

          • mysterycoach Says:

            Listen… let’s not be self depreciating at all. We all have insecurities, I do… I’m just me. I have my times where I feel pretty badly, then I get pissy and I resume working on myself and what I want. Even when I don’t feel like it and it certainly comes in waves.

  3. mysterycoach Says:

    You’re most welcome… we all have those feelings of insecurity within ourselves. I have them too. SD’s advise is excellent as well (subconscious concerns, nicely said)… and if you look back, there were issues with Webster. His foot, his inability to respond, the fuck you text, the other nonsense and confusion you had about him, the time you wanted to go over there with dinner and he said yes and no and I’ve missed things apparently in between … however, from it’s onset… something was missing for you.

    We all get afraid of moving forward with someone because we don’t want to get hurt. I think, personally? You dodged a bullet and I would tell anyone that in a heart beat. As time goes by, although I don’t hate that boy CB … I think I dodged a bullet there too. (but my god his body… LOL)

    It could be a very simple reason … that he was not the one “for you”. And that’s okay. I know it hurts like hell and we resort to beating ourselves up quite a bit and that sucks ass… (here’s a tissue…) but I can’t help but look back on my own life and the guys I thought I really wanted and be ever so thankful they did “not” work out…

    • haha, thanks for the tissue. And good memory on the Webster-isms. Those didn’t take place until after we had gone out 4 times and I wanted to ride the course with him on #3 (but it was daytime – yuk), and #4! Uhm, and he sure as shit would have let me bring him dinner when he’d been sick had he thought a a ride would be on the menu as well 😉

      I totally get what you and SD are telling me, I just can’t really see it for myself ……. yet

  4. While I completely understand how you are feeling, had you taken a bike ride with him and he still pulled the BS that he pulled you’d be just as regretful for taking said bike ride. Not to mention more confused about the choices he made and beating yourself up way worse than you are now. I am quite certain that he was going to pull what he pulled no matter what, bikes rides or no.
    I had some regrets about Jr. (hahahah, a ref only you will get) and beat myself up over why he wouldn’t give me a shot for awhile that I finally let go of. (ok 99.95% of it I’ve let go). It just takes time. My roommate said something funny and completely on the mark last night when she got home. Speaking of Jr. “It was too bad you guys never worked, out, well I guess it really isn’t. I mean you both really liked each other but but there was no spark. a crush, some attraction but no spark.” And she was completely right. You and dumbass unfortunately never made it past that crush phase so you don’t know if that spark was really there or not.

    • Thanks One 😦 I know you told me all this last night too, but it has still yet to sink in. 😦 Yes, I do get the Jr. reference 😉 And possibly you’re right about douchey and I not being anything more than in that crush phase, but really, that should have been enough for me to get out of my head and stop thinking so long term and just to enjoy the moment (which I also have issues with). I guess it’s just the not knowing if anything would have have different had I gone ahead and done it.

      • mysterycoach Says:

        One Here (hello) nailed it … definitely. A replacement doesn’t make it better, it’s just a distraction, which kind of feels like one disappointment after the other which kinda confirms that all men are assholes or that you’ll never find one. I have felt like I’m not going to find what I’m looking for on a bad mental health day, many times.

        Then I look up and I see someone who has or who is going through what I’m going through or see’s things the same way or … whatever it is, I know I’m not alone I just know I have to take my time, breath… give myself a break. You process a hellofalot of emotions going out with these fella’s. While each one is a “nice idea” … and you wanna see, not having regrets doesn’t mean go out with them just to see. Not having regrets is more about making better choices and trying those on for size. Better choices and even then, things may now work out.

        We need to get over the last hit before being open enough for the next person. I learned that in my 20’s. Replacing one with another, just … didn’t work after a while. And because it was so easy to do, I realized it was just my not wanting to be by myself. It happened accidentally though… but it was nice to take a break. I mean 8 years this October for me being involved was holy cow, a fluke… I just didn’t look up.

        Course you don’t see it yet honey, cuz it smarts! 🙂 ooouch!!! here… some gratuitious man bashing.

        He’s a douche f@!# him. 🙂 ? How’d I do? AND he probably would’ve only lasted 20 seconds anyway leaving you frustrated and that would have stunk. 🙂 hahahaha! I think I just amused myself there!

        • Oh I know a replacement doesn’t make it any better. And I do not go out with all these guys because I don’t like to be alone. I’m fine being alone. I would never date anyone just ‘because’, I will however, meet people in order to see if I want to date them. I don’t see it as a waste of time and I am not good at gauging people over the phone or computer, I’m a people person, so would just rather sit across from them. I also don’t invest anything into them until after we’ve met. I usually assume I won’t care for them. That takes no emotional fortitude at all. 🙂

          8 years IS quite the break MC. and thanks for the gratuitious man bashing! always appreciated! 🙂

          • I’m trying to think of exactly how I want to say this so if it comes off a little clunky it’s because i started typing before I had the thought fully formed. Attraction or not would you really want to be with someone that you have to constantly makes excuses for? Even if you’re only making excuses to yourself for them. I totally get the “OMG, HOT, ME WANT!” aspect. The majority of the time being with him didn’t really make you feel good unless it was one of those ME WANT cave girl moments. If you shift the weight of importance to things that actually make a relationship work (not saying that part isn’t important) you would have found him more than lacking and probably would have been the one who walked away first. Maybe it would be good to remind yourself every time You feel bad that you didn’t ride bikes, or his “choosing” her. Think about if you would have really truly chosen him. I don’t think you would have. Eventually the no call, no email, out of sight out of mind would have made you call it off, along with that he wasn’t always upfront unless you forced him to be. That is the person he is along with the good things and yet you make excuses and give him a pass for it instead of giving it the same importance as the things you saw as good traits.
            This was a lesson in figuring out what is unacceptable in a relationship for you, and realizing that he was not the guy for you. When the next one comes along you’ll have a much better idea of what you really want and if he meets the criteria. In the end Webster would have not.

            • mysterycoach Says:

              Exactly… totally exactly. Yes! Right… He made you feel bad right from the beginning there was confusion, all along, the whole time you always felt shaky, unsure, you got written up at work over this guy… there was all this “stuff”. I can say this because I’ve been there myself.

              Is he what YOU want … or is it an acceptance and rejection thing. ? Whereas, he’s not sure what he wants so you chase vs. being on the same page and not wondering at all because you like him without all the confusion.

              Yes, One (don’t know what to call you LOL sorry) has it… they do. There was the time she asked him three times if he wanted her to come over and he said no, then yes, then no… and then no and it was right after his foot surgery. The boy hasn’t had his mind straight from the beginning and that made you a … like I was hell, over CB… It’s more like the why doesn’t he want me thing…

              Never compare yourself with another woman and ask yourself what’s she got that I don’t. We attract and like people for reasons that are so inside of ourselves it’s not even remotely funny. What we do learn, hopefully, is to … siphon through who we go after and make healthier choices as to what IS good for us… Nope. Webster was not for Ms. Grey from the beginning… He really wasn’t honey, he confused you so much … come and go behavior, being indecisive … and when a man does that? It’s not YOU … it’s HIM… Mutuality is the most important thing…

              • mysterycoach Says:

                p.s. and you know what? It never should have been why didn’t CB see me… he did. The problem, ultimately was … that I had been out of the dating pool for so long and I knew it was wrong. I backed off and then it was stupid. I didn’t see me… that was the problem. I did and then I didn’t and it was a repetitive circle… I caused myself a hellofalot of pain, not listening to myself in the first three weeks.

                He wasn’t ready, I knew it … I continued. I don’t take full responsability for it, he was part of the equation. He said stuff.. not followed up by any action like a man DOES when he’s interested… that’s not good. And that wasn’t for me either. Drove me nuts… remember? I devalued myself in holding onto someone who made me very confused. I’m worth more than that …So are you.

  5. Well said One my friend. You’re right, I did and still do make excuses for him. He would have shown his true colors eventually; it may have just taken longer. Thank you for (possibly) finally being able to get thru to me 😉 you’re awesome!

    • Mystery, you can call me whatever you like 🙂
      GG: I knew I could, I just had to come up with the right words! Hopefully it sticks, just remind yourself every time you feel bad just how freaking annoying he was.

      • mysterycoach Says:

        Okay, “One” it is… it’s good to be number one!

        Cry, get it out of your system go through the whole normal healing phase, and there will come a time when it springs up out of no where and you push that down as hard as you can… you remind yourself that it didn’t have to be this guy. I mean we’re around the same age and you take back your … inner strength.

        Nothing sucks more than wanting something so badly and because we want it we may overlook things. Happens all the time… I couldn’t believe how bone headed I was this past year. Literally could not believe it. My friends were equally as astonished at how I … ick, simpered over this guy. And don’t forget too, each time we go through same or similar circumstances it seems to hurt more each time because the old hurt comes up with the new… that sucks.

        I’m sure we’ll remind you … it’s hard when we really want something to focus … it really is.

  6. Surrey gal Says:

    All the wise things to be said were said above.
    Please, don’t overanalyse whatever happened/didn’t happen. It’s in the past, thinking about it and speculating what if won’t change a thing and will only keep you in this state of sadness that you are in.
    Focus on moving on, and keep repeating to yourself: it’s his loss. Even if you don’t believe it initially you will if you repeat it enough times. xxx

  7. everevie Says:

    There is no way in hell I’m reading all the above comments. It made me dizzy just to scroll down…so I apologize if I re-state something already said:

    I totally understand where you are coming from. My biggest regrets in life are about things I didn’t do or say…not the things I did and suffered for. It’s the not knowing part that sucks so bad. The “what-ifs” and whatnot.

    However…it’s not productive to live in regret (I still do…but I’m suggesting that you don’t). Better to just be more willing to take a chance next time. 🙂

  8. Everything you’re feeling is a part of the “break-up.” What the lesson is from that and what it means to you may not be evident in the days and weeks that follow ( as much as we always want to “get it” and move on.) Dictonary has brought out and is reflecting back some things that you may have already been feeling.

    I dont want to tell you what it means or what is the lesson – that is something only you can do. But I can offer to continue to listen and be supportive – and tell you – its all OK! This IS exactly the way is was meant to unfold.

    If you truly still regret Club Med on a daily basis – consider still doing it . Really. Or something like it. You can get your dogs and house looked after. The only thing standing in your way – is you. As morbid as it sounds – look at it from the end, Would it be worth not pursuing it? Sometimes life needs a jolt.

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