43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Pinch Hitter Sunday August 15, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 10:53 am
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Well folks, I’m not gonna lie.  Today’s my b-day, so I’m out and about having some fun. 🙂  I do, however, have some updates from Sunday so whipped this up for you last night (what can I say?  i’m a giver).  As apparently Sunday is the day for everyone to come out of the woodwork.  Please enjoy the life and times of a lame (now) 44 year old internet dater:

SuperFit asked me out yesterday morning (7am) and I responded with a resounding ‘sure, just let me know where and when this afternoon’ as he had suggested going out that same day.  Par for the course, no response.  Fucking idiot.  steroids must have done a number on his synapses.

Old Boring Out Of State Attorney called me at noon on Sunday and of course I sent him to voicemail.  Whoopsie.  His message almost put me to sleep and went something like ‘Hello, I’m calling to see how your weekend has been as we agreed upon…………blah, snooze, blah’.  So I called  him back right away.  Oh wait, no I didn’t………

Shiney Forehead guy from last weekend that responded to my lame ‘wink’ by sending me his phone number.  3 days later.  So I, understanding the rules of the game texted him with my phone number.  3 days after that.  To which he called.  Today.  I haven’t even bothered to listen to the message yet.  *sigh*

Window Peeper who told me he looked at my pics 12 times last weekend and sent me that amazing ‘hey there’ message yesterday actually responded to my calling him out on just ask me out already and stop wasting my time.  So I ended up meeting him at 4pm yesterday for cocktails.  I got to the bar 1st (big shocker) and he shows up a bit later and fucking kisses me on the neck as a greeting!  Hello?  He sits down and starts yammering away while the entire time I’m trying to size him up as a ‘filler’.  He wasn’t exactly unattractive, mind you, just kinda nerdy and awkward.  He is a nice guy and was very complimentary however made it very very clear that he is a very physical person.  Uh really?  We just met 20 minutes ago.  So the entire time I’m listening I’m thinking that maybe if I just drank enough, I could just get it over with (yes, I’m a true romantic at heart).  He was funny, and sweet and nice, but also seems to have no friggin’ clue as to what is appropriate 1st date behavior.  He actually asked me when the last time I had sex was, to which I immediately had to hold back tears (teers?).  Awesome timing asshole.  So I was honest with him. Who the hell cares right?  I said aside from a one night stand at the beginning of the year, it’s been 3 years.  To which he almost fell off his barstool.  Couldn’t understand how ‘someone who looks like me’ (not taken as a compliment, btw) could go so long without being snatched up.  I had to keep pointing out when he was crossing the line.  He tried to kiss my neck; he tried to kiss my hands; he tried to run  his hand up under my skirt.  Nice.  You all know me well enough to realize that the whole time I was trying calculate exactly how many cocktails it would take for me to just fucking do it already.  Luckily he loves to drink.  Almost as much as I do.  There is a supreme creepy factor about him, but as I don’t really like him, I’d be a-okay to sleep with him and walk away afterwards (’cause I suck like that).  Of course, not on a first date, mind you.  I’m a lady.  HA!  So he walks me to my car and I’m praying to god that he’s at least a decent kisser.  Well fuck me.  He isn’t!  Ugh.  He was a horrible kisser.  He does something really weird with his tongue where it’s like rigor mortis has set in and yeah, just bad.  Oh, and he has uber wandering hands.  And yes, I suck, I compared his suave lack of game and inappropriateness to stupid Webster’s polite respectfulness.  I’m kinda pissed  he ruined my grand scheme to get out of my head about this whole bike riding thing.  Maybe I just need to drink more next time.  ‘Cause since you know I didn’t give a shit, he’s totally into me.  Oh, did I tell you that I was so  unenthused about meeting him that I didn’t even bother to take a shower?  Yeah, I know, I’m gross ………


In non douchebag news, or actually to be more accurate, in supreme douchebag news, I read a blog post yesterday regarding how lame it is to try to keep a past romantic interest as a friend.  It’s actually a really good one and kinda struck home.  ‘Cause you all know I asked dickhead Webster to go to the shooting range with me on Tuesday.  To which he was going to let me know last Friday.  To which he of course didn’t.  To which I was going to ‘check in’ all casual and see if he still wanted to go and we could test this ‘being friends’ thing out.  Uh yeah, I’m NOT e-mailing him.  And I’m NOT doing it.  I swear, reading someone else basically say that it’s a desperate move by losers kinda hit home.  I don’t think I’m desperate (yet) and I hope to hell I’m not a loser so you know what?  Fuck Webster.  It’s his loss.  He didn’t deserve to date me and he certainly doesn’t deserve me as a friend! God damn him for being such an amazing kisser though …. pissed beyond belief about that ……. still…. and really haven’t quite convinced myself of all that other smack talk I just wrote, but hopefully soon …….


10 Responses to “Pinch Hitter Sunday”

  1. Online Dating Circus Expert Says:

    Nice smack talk! That’s the spirit! You should find some song that makes you feel smack talky and powerful – like a theme song to help you stick with it!

  2. Beyond the kissing, Webster doesn’t meet any of your criteria in what you want in a man and you know it. Sorry your date was awful so was mine…. more later, think I might still be drunk.

  3. Have a great birthday 🙂 I say you go to the bar and kiss every guy in it until you find a good kisser.

  4. JaneDoePhx Says:

    I am BACK! And I love you more than ever! There’s that spunky funny girl I know….”fucking idiot.” Love when you drop the F bombs! OK so the tongue-rigormortis guy – OMG GROSS. I actually had a guy, while eating dinner, stick his tongue out at me across the table as if he were performing cunnilingus. uh….eew! That reminded me of him. Yeah Webster may have been a good kisser but as a human he SUCKS ASS. Keep on moving……..(play old 90’s dance song here)

  5. Janet in Philly Says:

    What about faceless football coach? Has he dropped off the face of the earth too?

    And totally apropos of nothing, I came across an article yesterday, and this jumped out at me
    ” In the new Virtual Society, we will see an increasing transition from basic matchmaking sites to sites that enable people to actually go out on online “dates” without ever leaving their desks”

    There’s a time-saver… what’s next? Virtual bike rides?

    • OMG Janet. That may be the saddest thing I’ve ever read. 😦

      Uhm, faceless football coach …… yeah, I was a bit of a bitch about that……. he sent me a message cancelling last minute, but apologizing up and down, stating he still REALLY wants to meet me and I think he gave me his phone number (not sure)…… and I sent back that I was sorry to hear about his dad and that I hoped all turned out okay (but nothing about meeting up again) ……… he hasn’t asked since and i haven’t bothered to give him a 2nd thought ………

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