We’ve all heard about how amazing the bond between twins is. We can finish each other’s sentences. Know what the other is thinking. Or feeling. Best friends. Whatever. I’m a twin. And it’s a bunch of bullshit! My twin and I are polar opposites. She’s a raging bitch and I’m just sweet as can be. Well, when compared to her, that is. We meet up each year on our birthday for sushi and sprinkles cupcakes. Yeah, we’re lame like that. We didn’t do it ON our birthday this year as our favorite sushi place isn’t open on Mondays so we met up today. As I head over to meet her at 1, like decided upon, I get a text that she’s going to be late. Awesome. Par for the course. And then I get another text saying she’s going to be even later. Uh……… She does this all the time. I should be used to it by now. She finally shows up, complete with big ole’ chip on her shoulder. Huh, she was the one who was late, but whatever. We sit down and eventually things loosened up. At the core, we are sisters and we do love each other. We just don’t like each other very much is all. Anyway, we both love funny cards. No, not like Old Maid, but greeting cards. I hope you’re all aware that they absolutely funniest cards ever can be found at car washes. Honest to god. Anyway, we always get each other multiple cards. My best one was the picture of 2 little girls in a field with one feeding the other some dirt. The front of the card is the one little girl saying to the other ‘now finish up eating this dirt and then we have some pond water to drink’ and then you open it up and it says ‘ahhh, memories’ …….. Which is fairly true as I could get my sister to do anything when we were little.
Anyway, then she gives me her cards. Huh. The first one is of an old lady with a million cats. Nice. You open it up and it says ‘don’t bother counting the candles on your cake, just count up your cats (which she has crossed out and written dogs)’. So she’s basically calling me the old crazy cat lady. Good times. The second card is animated and has a picture of a guy with an enormous nose. Okay, pretty sure that I’ve told you all that I used to have a huge schnoz and had to live with the nickname of big-nose up until the end of high school. Yup, I was not always gifted with the stunning (when compared head to head with the bearded lady at the circus) good looks that I have now. The inside of this cards says something stupid like ‘blow it out for your birthday’. Okay, so we’re up to being called the crazy cat lady and reminded of my lovely childhood nickname. I can’t even tell you what the 3rd card was of or said as my eyes had glazed over by that point.
Ah twins, yup, we do have a special bond. Of knowing exactly what buttons to push in order to make the other feel like complete shit.