Well, as I posed my silly challenge to myself to e-mail 5 new guys each week and see if I can get a date set up by the weekend (that’s really not the reason, would just be a bonus for me – free cocktails = bonus!), I figured what the hell? I’m an over achiever so why wait until Monday for something that I can do today! So I did! Yey me! Let me tell you though, finding 5 guys that I wanted to message was not an easy task (and yes, SD, I bent some of my rules). It took me over 100 guys to find 5 that I had any desire to message. And I am only left to assume that it will get harder each week. Gee, this assignment of mine may be shorter lived than originally anticipated. 😉
Today’s targets were from Match. I ran a search with very wide parameters. Awesome. As my Doppelganger tried to teach me, guys leave stuff blank or fill in the ‘wrong’ responses, so best to just put ‘any’ under the majority of the qualities you are looking for. That means that aside from height, sorry not going shorter than I am, that left the field wide open. For uneducated, currently seperated, obese idiots who live too far away. Oh wait, was that negative? Oopsie, my bad.
As heaven forbid I do anything like a normal human being would, I felt the need to pair my new quest with the bonus offering of my ridiculous sense of humor right off the bat. What that means is that although I am willing to try to relax my rigid standards, I still have no desire to ever be with someone who has no sense of humor. Or doesn’t get mine.
So here were my ‘targets’ for the week:
#1 : 42 years old, divorced, lives farther than I want, 6′ and er, uhm, doesn’t drink. Crap! I didn’t notice until after I sent the message (which I honestly can’t remember what it said, which I’m guessing is a bad sign). Oh wait, this was the guy that has a picture of himself standing in a short doorway and the caption says that he’s really tall in Uruguay. And shows that he’s wearing a fanny pack, but whatever. I title his message ‘I’m really tall throughout most of Asia’ and then probably blathered on about something stupid he wrote in his profile.
#2 : 50 years old, widower (yikes), 5’10” and again, doesn’t drink (most likely due to the fact that the last time he did, he killed his wife and shoved her into his freezer, but I could be wrong). He mentioned in his profile that he enjoys walking on the beach in the mornings. Of course I opted to run with this one. I titled the message ‘Gee, Your Feet Must Hurt’ (much wittier than my usual ‘hi’) and the body of the message went something like this ‘It must be a very long walk in the morning from where you live to the beach. You must get a very early start. Oh well, once California falls into the ocean, I’m sure the beach will be much closer.’ 🙂
#3 : 40 years old, divorced, lives kinda far, 6’2″ and actually drinks. yey! He has a pic of him in some sort of red onesie looking thing and states in his profile that you usually find what you’re looking for when you’re not actually looking. Can you see where this one is going? I titled his message ‘Nice Jammies’ and proceeded to write ‘Or is that the new style of fitted Huggie? (oh crap, it’s called a snuggie, huh? just realized that) Now while I agree with your sentiment on finding things when not looking, doesn’t it annoy your dates to have you facing the other direction when they talk to you?’
#4 : 41, divorced, slender (damn), does drink (yey), smokes occassionally (boo). He had a nice smile and a really long profile that I sort of didn’t read completely. He did mention something about thinking that going shooting at a specific range in town would be a fun date. Kismet, right? Haha. So I message him with the title asking where the specific range was that he mentioned. The body of the message told him that I had just gone to a range for the 1st time last week and that although my aim wasn’t great, should I ever be faced with shooting an intruder, his pancreas would be done for.
#5 : 42, divorced, 6’1″. Now there is 1 reason and 1 reason only that I messaged this guy. He is Jewish. I don’t like Jews. I’m not attracted to them. Sure, I’m Jewish myself, but that doesn’t mean I have to date them, right? And I never have. Not once (although I did have a ginormous crush on a 1st cousin of mine, but whatever). This is probably the 1st Jewish guy that didn’t want to send me screaming in the other direction. No, he wasn’t a total hottie but he didn’t totally repulse me either (sparks schmarks, it’s all about the not throwing up when faced with looking at someone, right?). So his profile was a bit annoying and ended with the option of either messaging him through match or thru his personal e mail which he then proceeded to provide a ridiculously convoluted ‘code’ for what his real address is (match will block any obvious personal e-mail addresses). As he stated in his ridiculous code that the internet provider sounds like a male body part, I chose to run with that. The title of his message was ‘Nice Riddle’ and the message itself said that anyone that actually messaged him privately should win some sort of award for figuring it out. I then wondered how many women had actually tried to figure out what male body part sounded like google or yahoo. I am quite positive that I will not hear back from this one. Why, you ask? Well the big douche has his desired age range at 27-34. Really? My profile doesn’t state my religion (as I’m a fairly crappy jew and not practicing) nor did I tell him that I am the holy grail of jews: tall, blonde, blue eyed and doesn’t really like to shop. 😉
As Match ‘allows’ me to see if and when messages I sent are read, I will know who has opted out. I already saw that Mr. Fanny Pack has read my message. And I’ve already gotten a response from Mr. Gun Range. I guess the game is on……