43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Tempting…….. September 3, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:59 pm
Tags: , , , ,

So I received some very nice messages today via match.  By ‘very nice’, I mean ‘wastes of time’ by the way.  It’s been a while since I’ve shared (and we all know how fond I am of OVER sharing), so please enjoy some light reading on this holiday weekend…….

Hi Beautiful.

How are you doing and hope your day was good ?

I am K**** W***** by name but you call me K*****, will be 41yrs by 3rd Septmber, a native Dutch new here on this site oline dating, i`m single naver been married, working as civil engineer and i am looking for a real serious relationship …i am very open and social guy that love to laugh, swimm, camping, walking my dogs, going to the beach,and love to try new adventure.

Please can you tell me a little about yourself and the secret behind your sweet looks and i will be pleased if you write to me back at my private email at. K*****@dumbass.com because my profile will be closed in the next couple days and i may not be here to reply you soon  because i am at the office but definatly i will respond back with my private mail.

Thanks and hope to hear from you soon.

So he’s just sent me a (customized, I’m sure) message basically restating whatever he wrote in his profile (total assumption on my part as I didn’t actually bother to look at his profile), explaining that although he can apparently spam the crap out of every single woman on match from ‘the office’ (his bathroom?), he apparently can’t respond from there and that I’m supposed to be flattered by his lame American Greetings-esque ‘secret behind my sweet looks’?  I’m thinking of responding with this:

Thanks for the very sweet and very generic message K.  I was thrilled and flattered to be on the receiving end of something that you obviously put a lot of time and effort into.  I appreciate your reiterating the basics from your profile and pointing out the obvious that being single means you’ve never been married.  Here’s a little hint.  If you have ever been married, then your status should be either divorced or widowed (in which case, I do not want to know what’s in your freezer).  It’s wonderful that you like the beach.  Sadly, we do not have one within 300 miles of here.  Makes for a long trek for a sunset stroll, doncha think?

As for knowing more about me, well sweet man, if you actually would care to read my profile, it’s pretty much laid out for you, but feel free to ask me anything specific that may have gone over your head or that you need clarification on.  Oh, and as for the secret behind my sweet looks?  That would be soft lighting and a man with a severe astigmatism.  And one last thing, I realize you may be new to the English language but we have this awesome newfangled thing called ‘spellcheck’.  Look into it.

Have a great day!

Then there was the simpler approach:

Hi, I like what I read in your profile and would be interested in getting to know more about you. So … what do you think of online dating?   🙂    If my profile strikes your interest let’s get to know one another.  –J

Short and to the point.  Just like the response that I will not be sending him:

Hi J ~

Right about now I think online dating sucks.  I either get generic messages from idiots that are too lazy or disinterested to actually bother reading my profile and making a pertinent comment or someone will fly under my radar and warrant a date only to turn out to be a garbage man or a walking porn star (and no, that’s not a good thing).  I think I will pass on getting to know you as your message strikes me as a mass e-mail one that you’ve probably sent to 57 other women today and you’d probably turn out to be moron anyway.  Oh, and you live in a different state………


~ me

Too much?


9 Responses to “Tempting……..”

  1. stevesw Says:

    You’re in a helpful mood today, taking the time to offer the poor guy assistance; however I would venture to say that using @dumbass.com as one’s email service is a dead giveaway there is some baggage 😉

  2. everevie Says:

    You are such a sweetheart….aww…your emails make me feel so warm and fuzzy. LOLOL.

    Those poor bastards. They are only lucky you didn’t feel like actually hitting “send” on those little love notes. 😉

  3. Emilie Says:

    For some reason, his email was way off and sounded like he found different starting letter and just pasted a few lines from the X number of sample letter found on Google. Which for some stupid reason some guys don’t get that it’s a total turn off.

    Has for your response to his email… well I like the first one that states the “spellchecker” which can only help him for his words but not so good for grammar. If he is using Google translator to do this email… well I guess he has not figure it out that Google translator, really translates words and sentences really poorly.

  4. Matthew Says:

    As much as I’m pulling for you to find someone ‘worthy’ of the GG…I am looking forward to the possibility of 6 more months of riveting posts such as these.

    It’s kind of like Field of Dreams, ‘If you renew, they will message you.’

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