43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Filling A Void September 15, 2011

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 11:35 am
Tags: , , , ,

I sent a bit of a craptastic e-mail this morning (damn you smart phones).  It wasn’t meant to be.  It was meant to be an apology for my behavior yesterday (i spend a lot of time removing my foot from my mouth and apologizing).  Although there was no actual ‘i’m sorry’ in there, it did contain an apology.  Sort of.  Of course I just ‘accidentally’ sent it without re-reading it as that’s apparently my new thing.

When I did manage to reread it later, it read like a total ‘i’m sorry that you hurt my feelings and pissed me off by telling me how awesome ‘she’ is and made me go too far and be rude’.  Basically, a non-apology.  I also included his horror-scope for today which was absolutely along the same lines as yesterday’s.  Something about negative influences and such.  Why did I send it?  Well, because apparently I’m not the awesome friend I thought I was.

As I like to overthink just about everything (after the fact, of course), I came to the conclusion that I’m doing my self sabotaging thing again.  Yey me.  I think I’m actually trying to piss him off so we won’t be friends anymore.  Why?  Well, as a very insightful friend told me when I was whining to her this morning, she came up with the exact reason.  That while I had obviously filled some sort of void for him, he couldn’t do the same for me.

Apparently i’m a little more pissed about yesterday than I thought.  I have spent the majority of the last 2 months trying to build up his self confidence and realize what a great person he is, yet when I pretty much asked him to do the same for me, he couldn’t.  Or wouldn’t.  And definitely didn’t.  That’s pretty damn hurtful.

However, that is ‘my thing’ and not his.  I have realized however, that what I just did by sending that e-mail makes me no better than ‘she’ is.  He deserves better than that.  And for that, I am sorry.  😦

*pardon all typos as I’m actually typing this on my tiny droid keyboard.  While i’m supposed to be working.


5 Responses to “Filling A Void”

  1. The T Says:

    sometimes it’s best to simply pick up the phone and chat with them… could you recover a bit by picking up the phone and levelling with them?


  2. Emilie Says:

    I have to agree with “the T” it is much simplur to just pickup the phone and say what you want to say… the on other hand, if you have no idea what to say or what you want; the best thing is to figure it out before saying… even if its by test or derect phone call.

    btw… your right it is heard to type on the mini keyboard on the smart phone… but it makes it imposable to right when the try to correct the words in another language to the lanaguage that is on the phone. e.g. french word tryped but phone is trying to correct it in english… totally imposible :p

  3. everevie Says:

    Wow…that friend must have her shit totally together!!

    Sorry…I digress.

    I still think you are being way too hard on yourself. You are pointing out things to him that he should ALREADY know. And he purports to be your friend…so if you’ve told him he’s hurt you…he should figure out how to make it better. Bottom line.

    I think he’s a confused little bunny right now (huh?) but hopefully the day will come when it all becomes clear to him.

    • yes, he IS confused and my browbeating him with MY opinions certainly doesn’t help …….. I think i’m finally to a place where I can just be a sounding board. Hell, I’ve pretty much said all I have to say already 😉 They WILL end up back together and I don’t know that they don’t belong together ….

      and yes, my friend certainly has her moments 😉 more often than not

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