I sent a bit of a craptastic e-mail this morning (damn you smart phones). It wasn’t meant to be. It was meant to be an apology for my behavior yesterday (i spend a lot of time removing my foot from my mouth and apologizing). Although there was no actual ‘i’m sorry’ in there, it did contain an apology. Sort of. Of course I just ‘accidentally’ sent it without re-reading it as that’s apparently my new thing.
When I did manage to reread it later, it read like a total ‘i’m sorry that you hurt my feelings and pissed me off by telling me how awesome ‘she’ is and made me go too far and be rude’. Basically, a non-apology. I also included his horror-scope for today which was absolutely along the same lines as yesterday’s. Something about negative influences and such. Why did I send it? Well, because apparently I’m not the awesome friend I thought I was.
As I like to overthink just about everything (after the fact, of course), I came to the conclusion that I’m doing my self sabotaging thing again. Yey me. I think I’m actually trying to piss him off so we won’t be friends anymore. Why? Well, as a very insightful friend told me when I was whining to her this morning, she came up with the exact reason. That while I had obviously filled some sort of void for him, he couldn’t do the same for me.
Apparently i’m a little more pissed about yesterday than I thought. I have spent the majority of the last 2 months trying to build up his self confidence and realize what a great person he is, yet when I pretty much asked him to do the same for me, he couldn’t. Or wouldn’t. And definitely didn’t. That’s pretty damn hurtful.
However, that is ‘my thing’ and not his. I have realized however, that what I just did by sending that e-mail makes me no better than ‘she’ is. He deserves better than that. And for that, I am sorry. 😦
*pardon all typos as I’m actually typing this on my tiny droid keyboard. While i’m supposed to be working.