43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

There Is A Difference September 29, 2011

*I just found this in my drafts folder.  I originally wrote it back in July (post Webster shitfest)As it still holds true and stupid TD has brought back memories of the whole Dictionary ‘project’ paired with the sad fact that I have no horrific fun dates to write about, I figured why not just post it.  Sorry. * 😉

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No clue why on earth it hit me yesterday, but it did nonetheless.  There are two key elements to dating (at least for me).  Attraction and interest.  Of course there needs to be a physical attraction.  Duh.  It doesn’t have to smack you in the face or anything but it has to be there.   If you can never imagine kissing someone, then I highly doubt that you’re going to want to do anything else with them unless you are well over the legal alcohol limit.  At all times.  As you can’t really go around drunk 24/7 (or can you?), that’s probably not going to work.  Equally important as physical attraction is interest.  Interest in their life, their background, their thoughts, their hopes, their dreams.  Sure, a pretty face is all well and good, but if there is no substance behind those baby blues, then interest wanes quite quickly.  Yup, even for someone as superficial as I am.  Honestly, it really doesn’t matter how amazing someone looks if I’m not attracted to their personality, intellect or intelligence, then game over.

Pretty sure most people are the same way.  Sure, one can outweigh the other, but I think they’re equally important.  I don’t want to date someone who I can’t imagine kissing nor do I want to kiss someone who I don’t enjoy talking to (well, at least not for any length of time, that is ~ i’m no dummy).  If I go back over past relationships, the men that I have been most attached to and had the hardest time letting go of, I was hugely attracted to.  I would like to say both physically and mentally, but truth be told, those damn pheromones took priority for me.  Not to mean that they had horrible personalities or were stupid in any way, but although I really liked them as people and thought they were great, I was hugely attracted based a bit more on physical aspect.  I realize that mental stimulation comes into play in how acute that physical attraction is, but it’s usually one over the other and rarely are they both 50/50.

I’ve always suspected, not excitedly, that men liked me more for my looks than anything else.  I don’t mean that to sound conceited in any way shape or form.  I am far from thinking I’m ‘the shit’ and don’t particularly think I’m all that extraordinary to look at.  I do know that I fit some sort of odd mold though.  Tall, blonde, blue eyes ~ big deal.   I have always suspected that men liked me physically, for whatever reason.  I don’t want someone interested in me for only that though.  And that’s where my challenges start.  And end (usually the relationship).  I do know that I have a pretty damn amazing heart and mind though.  And I’m always afraid that no one cares about that.  I guess I play to my assets and just hope that they realize that there’s a person behind the facade.

Funny, I’m a jumble of contradictions.  I hope that guys like me for more than my looks.  Yet I’m fairly insecure about my looks.  I hope a guy likes me for my heart and soul, yet I keep them both (usually) very well hidden.  Why am I rambling on like this you ask?  Yeah, I finally figured it out.  And it’s okay.  I mean, it’s not okay, but I get it.   I know what the underlying issue was with Webster (yes, again, but this might quite possibly be the LAST mention of him).  I think I had avoided acknowledging it and had sort of projected my interest in knowing pretty much everything about him onto the idea that he felt the same way about me.  He didn’t.  Duh, we all know this.  I’ve only gone over it about a bazillion times on here.  Our physical chemistry was amazing.  I thought our other chemistry was awesome too.  I did pull back from sleeping with him because I wasn’t sure that he liked me for more than a ‘good time’.  I do this with most guys that I’m interested in.  How fucked up is that?  I’ll sleep with a guy that I don’t give a shit about, but have issues when it comes to sleeping with one that I actually like.  Not that I’m sleeping with anyone, mind you, it’s just how my crazy little messed up mind works.  Anyway, he said he would be patient and wait.  He didn’t.  Duh.  I’ve beat myself up about what I did wrong or what I could have done differently.  And for that I am a bit ridiculous because it has always been quite simple.  For whatever reason though, I didn’t want to admit it.  So here it is; my big epiphany:  although Webster was attracted TO me, he wasn’t interested IN me.  Who knows if he’d have stuck around longer than he did if I’d have slept with him.  I don’t think it would have changed the outcome though.  Maybe just postponed it for a bit.  Tada!  *imaginary lightbulb going on* That’s not what I want.  I can find that at any random bar on any night of the week.

*edited to add:  I’ve allowed this  happen many times, even with friends.  Like TD.  And in a different way than him being physically attracted to me as who the hell really knows, but he wasn’t interested in me.  He rarely, if ever, asked questions about me.  We’d always talk about him and then at the end of the night he would say ‘gee, I feel like all we’ve talked about was me; I want to hear about you tomorrow’.  And then it would be the same thing the next day.  I’m not real sure if that’s a factor of my doing or not.  I know with TD, at least towards the end of our one sided friendship, I wanted to talk about me.  I had/have a lot of crap going on right now that I could use some help with or someone to just listen and he never EVER asked.  That’s actually the fight that put the nail in the coffin.  He was blathering on about himself and his new pal, said something that made me think that he was looking down on the fact that I wanted to ‘help’ him with the ex and I, maturely as ever, text him with a ‘maybe when you don’t have so much shit going on, you should look back at our friendship as it’s been entirely lopsided and apparently at your discretion’ and then, if that weren’t awesome enough, when he opted to ignore that text (i can’t stand being ignored) followed up with ‘i challenge you to tell me when the last time you’ve asked me absolutely anything over and above ‘how is your day/nite going’ before turning the conversation entirely back to you.  YOU put me in the helper position as I don’t have anything else to work with’.  Ah, I’m just awesome, aren’t I? 😉

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Now stop listening to me whine here and go on over to Dating Sauce to read my whiney post over there!  Okay no, it’s completely whiney.  Just kinda.

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2 Responses to “There Is A Difference”

  1. everevie Says:

    Ahh…very interesting. And astute!! Especially the part where you break it down to it’s simplest form: Attracted TO you…not interested IN you.

    I might actually steal that for an (hopefully) upcoming conversation.

    I never really thought about it that way b/c I still have trouble believing anyone could be attracted to me. Even if they’re making out w/me, having sex w/me, can’t keep their hands off me…I’m still halfway convinced they just haven’t stopped long enough to take a good look at who they’re with.

    But…luckily…now I can be certain that it’s not that they don’t find me attractive…but more that they don’t find me, in any way, interesting.

    Ummm…yay?


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