That’s how long it took me to actually read the e-mail that TD sent me. I’m not sure why I didn’t just open it up right away. I don’t know what I was hoping to find. Or not find. I was still working on wrapping my head around the fact that he had sent me that original e-mail ending our friendship. Or so I thought. Did I want this new message to reconfirm that we were done? Did I want it to say that he was sorry? Did I want it full of lame excuses or declarations of undying gratitude for me even offering him the gift of my friendship? I didn’t know what I wanted it to contain and that is why I let it sit there. For exactly 3 hours and 12 minutes. In between making Herb Roasted Chicken for 120 people and a bazillion batches of brownies I opened it. Without a drink in sight, no less. Whatever I expected the message to contain, it didn’t. I have re-read it about 4 times already and am still pretty astounded. It is the most open and honest and self loathing and apologetic and contrite and introspective message I have ever read. And from a guy no less. And it was LONG. Longer than the one I sent to him and we all know how I love to blather on incessantly. I will NOT be posting it. Sorry. I need to be able to take in all that he said. I don’t even know what to write about it. I’m still amazed at what it contained. And still trying to figure out what I am going to do with this information. Never in a million years would I expect to receive such a message. From a guy no less. There is no way in hell that it was easy for him to write. I need to figure out why he wrote it though. And why I care so much. And if it’s good for me to let him back in. And if I’m heartless enough to just ignore someone who is in such pain. I don’t think I am, but I need to think of me first. If I let him back in, there is a huge possibility that I will end up getting hurt. If I don’t let him back in, then I’ll feel horrible for letting a friend, who is so desperately in need of a friend, flap around in the wind. This is a new one for me. It is truly putting my cynical side to the test. I realize that nothing is ever truly black and white. That most things contain shades of grey. Or in my world, more like shit brown. 😉
He has asked for nothing. He expects nothing. He addressed every single thing that we (all 3 of us here) have discussed without my even asking. He has been more open and honest than he ever has been before. I have to decide if I believe him. If I believe he is just being honest and not trying to play upon my sympathy. A very wise friend told me to treat him like I would any other friend. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for a friend. Nothing. I just need to figure out if he is just like any other friend. He’s so hurt. And so damaged. And I just don’t know if it would be good for me to get invested again. Then again, I don’t know if it would be good for me to not. This is a tough one. There is one thing that I will promise all (3) of you; and promise myself. IF, and that is only an if, I decide to allow him back in, I will absolutely do so with my eyes wide open. I will be cautious about what I allow him to know. I will be cautious about what I allow myself to feel. I will be cautious about everything.
And if any of you believe that, then I have some lovely investment properties that I’d love to show you ……….. I have not made any decisions. Even 5 (double ) cocktails in (probably the most i’ve ever drank at home ………. alone). I will not be responding any time soon. I really do need to figure this one out on my own before I make any decisions. Damn, this fucking sucks being a grown up. I am truly at a loss on this one.