43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Whoever Guessed 3 hours and 12 Minutes Wins September 30, 2011

That’s how long it took me to actually read the e-mail that TD sent me.  I’m not sure why I didn’t just open it up right away.  I don’t know what I was hoping to find.  Or not find.  I was still working on wrapping my head around the fact that he had sent me that original e-mail ending our friendship.  Or so I thought.  Did I want this new message to reconfirm that we were done?  Did I want it to say that he was sorry?  Did I want it full of lame excuses or declarations of undying gratitude for me even offering him the gift of my friendship?  I didn’t know what I wanted it to contain and that is why I  let it sit there.  For exactly 3 hours and 12 minutes.  In between making Herb Roasted Chicken for 120 people and a bazillion batches of brownies I opened it.  Without a drink in sight, no less.  Whatever I expected the message to contain, it didn’t.  I have re-read it about 4 times already and am still pretty astounded.  It is the most open and honest and self loathing and apologetic and contrite and introspective message I have ever read.  And from a guy no less.  And it was LONG.  Longer than the one I sent to him and we all know how I love to blather on incessantly.  I will NOT be posting it.  Sorry.  I need to be able to take in all that he said.  I don’t even know what to write about it.  I’m still amazed at what it contained.  And still trying to figure out what I am going to do with this information.  Never in a million years would I expect to receive such a message.  From a guy no less.  There is no way in hell that it was easy for him to write.  I need to figure out why he wrote it though.  And why I care so much.  And if it’s good for me to let him back in.  And if I’m heartless enough to just ignore someone who is in such pain.  I don’t think I am, but I need to think of me first.  If I let him back in, there is a huge possibility that I will end up getting hurt.  If I don’t let him back in, then I’ll feel horrible for letting a friend, who is so desperately in need of a friend, flap around in the wind.  This is a new one for me.  It is truly putting my cynical side to the test.   I realize that nothing is ever truly black and white.  That most things contain shades of grey.  Or in my world, more like shit brown.  😉

He has asked for nothing.  He expects nothing.  He addressed every single thing that we (all 3 of us here) have discussed without my even asking.  He has been more open and honest than he ever has been before.  I have to decide if I believe him.  If I believe he is just being honest and not trying to play upon my sympathy.  A very wise friend told me to treat him like I would any other friend.  There is nothing I wouldn’t do for a friend.  Nothing.  I just need to figure out if he is just like any other friend.  He’s so hurt.  And so damaged.  And I just don’t know if it would be good for me to get invested again.  Then again, I don’t know if it would be good for me to not.  This is a tough one.  There is one thing that I will promise all (3) of you; and promise myself.  IF, and that is only an if, I decide to allow him back in, I will absolutely do so with my eyes wide open.  I will be cautious about what I allow him to know.  I will be cautious about what I allow myself to feel.  I will be cautious about everything.

And if any of you believe that, then I have some lovely investment properties that I’d love to show you ……….. I have not made any decisions.  Even 5 (double ) cocktails in (probably the most i’ve ever drank at home ………. alone).  I will not be responding any time soon.  I really do need to figure this one out on my own before I make any decisions.  Damn, this fucking sucks being a grown up.  I am truly at a loss on this one.

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12 Responses to “Whoever Guessed 3 hours and 12 Minutes Wins”

  1. Cousin Bette Says:

    Hiya! Still reading, though not posting my own – haven’t finished the convent stuff yet 😉 Anyway, anyway, I fear that in one way or another I have kind of heard this story before, especially the long the long (honest) letter writing back to you with all the pain this person has suffered etc. http://musingoncruising.blogspot.com/2011/03/you-wont-find-another-fool-like-me-babe.html and subsequent pages. And do you know what – no doubt he’s a great guy at some level. But let’s face it, friend or no friend, he is going to be a drain rather than a radiator, and he will wear you out. Oh, but wait, he already has worn you out. Do what you must, my friend, but don’t waste time. You’re gorgeous years are rapidly dwindling… speaking as someone who knows… 😛

    • Hiya Bette! Hope you’re having a great time at the convent! Yes, well aware that my gorgeous years are dwindling (or already gone, dammit) ;-). Also aware that IF (and that’s a big if) I decide to befriend him again that he will be a huge drain…….. aren’t there any normal, well adjusted guys out there? Oh wait, I don’t like them ……

  2. Janet in Philly Says:

    I’m not one of the 3 people, but I second Cousin Bette! Female-Male ‘friendships’ are just fraught with complication.

  3. Well good luck with that, who the hell can figure guys out…I am on a reprieve…from men. It’s a good thing 🙂

  4. I’m thinking that you just need to take a break from him because he just seems to make your life more complicated. Just don’t talk to him for a while so that way you can sort your feelings and then decide what you want to do. Good luck!!!

  5. Online Dating Circus Expert Says:

    Wow. I knew you would hear from him at some point but never expected it would be this soon. Huh.

    Well, the ball IS in your court madame. But, you said it yourself, “I just need to figure out if he is just like any other friend”. Exactly. And same question goes for him.

  6. everevie Says:

    You already know what I think. And you already know what YOU think…and you don’t have to defend your decision to anyone. Not me…not the other commenters…not HIM. Be true to yourself my friend.


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