I SWEAR I will start dating again soon. AND will return to my normal snarky, ridiculous self with funny stories of the socially awkward, mentally challenged and just all around bad dates that I have. No really, I promise. And I never break a promise. Well any promises made to anyone other to myself, that is.
I’m sure you’ve all (all 3 of you that are bored enough to still read my crap) noticed that I haven’t been myself lately. All my friends have noticed. Even before I did. And it’s true. I haven’t. I’m none too happy that a vacation I booked months and months ago hoping that I would either have to cancel or add a plus 1 too is going to be just me. Again. I’m none too happy that I’m seemingly planning my life under the assumption that I will remain alone. What a craptastic realization that is. Add to that the fact that something someone said to me last week kind of hit me hard. No, it wasn’t meant in a mean way by any stretch of the imagination. It was just something that I really had no clue about. I like to think I’m very self-aware and honest (with everyone but myself, of course) about things. I had a visit from an amazing fellow blogger last week. She’s awesome. Fun and witty and kind and a snazzy dresser to boot. Although she did smuggle fresh produce across several state lines, the fact that she let my dogs jump all over her more than made up for that little border patrol oversight. We went out to a yummy dinner and then I took her to the scene of the crime from when my Doppelganger came to visit. She, of course, picked up a total cutie within 3 minutes of arriving and I kinda sat there, stunned and trying to decide what to do with the information she presented me over dinner.
What would any rational 44 year adult in a crowded bar full of single (or married, or gay) men do? I texted 2 of my most trusted bloggy confidantes to run her theory by them. Dun. OH wait, did I forget to tell you what this tiny little observation was?. I’m such a huge retard (no, that wasn’t it) that I find myself even having trouble typing it and of course, that gives me pause as well. Anyway, she told me that I write about TD like I’m in love with him. When I asked my text pals if they agreed, I got the ever definitive ‘uh, yeah, kind of’ from both of them. Awesome. Can I be that ridiculously unaware about my own emotions to miss something like that or is it that I just didn’t want to admit that they could be right? I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure this out in my head. And I still don’t really have a clear answer. How the hell could I be in love with a man who I haven’t even held hands with? Who I have a totally platonic relationship with? Who I have no clue, if even under the best of circumstances, there would have been a 2nd date. Or even *gasp*, a 3rd. I do know that he has been my longest ‘relationship’ online in the past 2 years. I do know that he knows more about me (and I even mean the me that hides behind my meticulously crafted facade that I show most people) than anyone and hasn’t run away screaming.
Am I in love with TD? Such a good question. I don’t know. Maybe? Probably? Okay fine, most likely. Which I know is absolutely no good for me. When I spend time with him, do I moon over him and look at him longingly? Hell no! Do I laugh my ass off and have a great time? Do I talk to him about all sorts of things? Yup. Does he do the same? Yup. Are there ever any awkward pauses? Well, to be honest, aside from our always somewhat awkward and lingering good byes, no. If it weren’t for the strangeness of the good bye portion of the evenings, I would be absolutely convinced that we were just really great friends. And no, thank you very much, I don’t think I’m the one that makes them awkward. I try to make them quick and painless. However they usually get dragged out into multiple lingering hugs and chats and walkings to my car and yeah. Kinda strange. No, I am NOT reading anything into that as there is nothing to read into.
I’m certain that many of you are scratching your heads at the moment as last I reported he had ‘dumped’ me as a friend, to which I shot off one of my rambling missives and had been pretty damn certain that I would not be speaking to him again. I was pissed. Hurt and pissed. Not a great combination for me. Turns me into a needy bitch. Horrible combination. Anyway, he responded with an amazing e-mail. About a lot of things, but mainly regarding the fact that he knows he was an ass, he never meant to end our friendship, he viewed my friendship and trying to get ‘the bitch’ back as mutually exclusive and either thought I’d hurt his chances of getting her back, or that maybe I’d distract him from getting her back? That part is totally unclear to me. What transpired in the week and a half or so that we didn’t talk is that he and ‘the bitch’ are done. With a capital D. She showed him her true colors (or he finally opted to recognize it) and every single thing that I warned him about her, in which he thought I was just being jealous, turned out to be true. However she’s been a million times worse than I even imagined. Anyway, he sounded so amazingly downtrodden in his e-mail to me (Click called it ‘War and Peace’) that I couldn’t just ignore it. I did for a few days. 4 to be exact as I needed to be sure why I would be contacting him again. Regardless of any other feelings I may have for him, he was a friend. In desperate need of a friend. And as black hearted and evil as I may claim to be, I couldn’t let him flail about by himself. Yes, he’s in some strange black hole right now, yes if it was so easy for him to blow me off to begin with, it won’t be difficult to do again and yes, as we all know I tend to do, I’m trying to ‘fix’ things within him. When he doesn’t have the kids we either get together or talk on the phone for hours. I worry about him. I think he deserves at least that much. It all started on Sunday night with an innocuous ‘hi’ text from me. I don’t know what it is about him that makes me trust him. He violated that trust once before but I still do. Go figure.
Although I still haven’t figured out the selfless vs selfish internal debate yet, I just know that I would not feel like a good person if I ignored such a huge cry for help. I told him last night that although I really had no intentions of ever speaking to him again after the cavalier way he went about things regarding me, that once I got his e-mail and was able to work it out in my head, that it comes down to one thing. I did care about him. I still do. As a friend or more I still can’t answer (hell no, I didn’t tell him that part). What I can state unequivocably though, is that if you care for someone, as a friend or otherwise, you do not get to pick and choose when to do so. If someone needs you, you’re there. And that’s what I’m doing. No, I have no idea how this is going to end. Yes, I will most likely end up getting hurt. It’s just a risk I’m willing to take. As I am still uncertain as to what it is, exactly, I am looking to get out of this, I don’t really have much to lose (self respect regenerates, right?).
I am certainly not going to pine away for him and the fact that I am not all that into online douchebag hunting at the moment has nothing to do with him. I will keep dating and searching for Mr. Right. I promise. Nope, I’m not promising you (3), I’m promising myself. And this time, I’m not lying.
Here is a special message to my amazing friend who I blatantly lied to about this and have felt guilty about ever since. I’m sorry. I know you would never judge me and only want what’s best for me. As I am usually in the process of judging myself though, I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell anyone. I’m sorry. 😦 I hope you have the most wonderful birthday ever and thank you for being my friend. xoxoxxoxoxo
Now enough of this bullshit, head on over to Dating Sauce to see my non-TD involving, non-lame (well, a matter of opinion I guess), non shake your head at me and plot the exact the exact day you get to say ‘i told you so’ post. 🙂 Go. I don’t want them to think I’m a total loser ……. I prefer for that to be our little secret 😉