43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Head VS Heart October 6, 2011

I SWEAR I will start dating again soon.  AND will return to my normal snarky, ridiculous self with funny stories of the socially awkward, mentally challenged and just all around bad dates that I have.  No really, I promise.  And I never break a promise.  Well any promises made to anyone other to myself, that is.

I’m sure you’ve all (all 3 of you that are bored enough to still read my crap) noticed that I haven’t been myself lately.  All my friends have noticed.  Even before I did.   And it’s true.  I haven’t.  I’m none too happy that a vacation I booked months and months ago hoping that I would either have to cancel or add a plus 1 too is going to be just me.  Again.  I’m none too happy that I’m seemingly planning my life under the assumption that I will remain alone.  What a craptastic realization that is.  Add to that the fact that something someone said to me last week kind of hit me hard.  No, it wasn’t meant in a mean way by any stretch of the imagination.  It was just something that I really had no clue about.  I like to think I’m very self-aware and honest (with everyone but myself, of course) about things.  I had a visit from an amazing fellow blogger last week.  She’s awesome.  Fun and witty and kind and a snazzy dresser to boot.  Although she did smuggle fresh produce across several state lines, the fact that she let my dogs jump all over her more than made up for that little border patrol oversight.  We went out to a yummy dinner and then I took her to the scene of the crime from when my Doppelganger came to visit.  She, of course, picked up a total cutie within 3 minutes of arriving and I kinda sat there, stunned and trying to decide what to do with the information she presented me over dinner.

What would any rational 44 year adult in a crowded bar full of single (or married, or gay) men do?  I texted 2 of my most trusted bloggy confidantes to run her theory by them.  Dun.  OH wait, did I forget to tell you what this tiny little observation was?.  I’m such a huge retard (no, that wasn’t it) that I find myself even having trouble typing it and of course, that gives me pause as well.  Anyway, she told me that I write about TD like I’m in love with him.  When I asked my text pals if they agreed, I got the ever definitive ‘uh, yeah, kind of’ from both of them.  Awesome.  Can I be that ridiculously unaware about my own emotions to miss something like that or is it that I just didn’t want to admit that they could be right?  I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure this out in my head.  And I still don’t really have a clear answer.  How the hell could I be in love with a man who I haven’t even held hands with?  Who I have a totally  platonic relationship with?  Who I have no clue, if even under the best of circumstances, there would have been a 2nd date.  Or even *gasp*, a 3rd.  I do know that he has been my longest ‘relationship’ online in the past 2 years.  I do know that he knows more about me (and I even mean the me that hides behind my meticulously crafted facade that I show most people) than anyone and hasn’t run away screaming.

Am I in love with TD?  Such a good question.  I don’t know.  Maybe?  Probably?  Okay fine, most likely.  Which I know is absolutely no good for me.  When I spend time with him, do I moon over him and look at him longingly?  Hell no!  Do I laugh my ass off and have a great time?  Do I talk to him about all sorts of things?  Yup.  Does he do the same?  Yup.  Are there ever any awkward pauses?  Well, to be honest, aside from our always somewhat awkward and lingering good byes, no.  If it weren’t for the strangeness of the good bye portion of the evenings, I would be absolutely convinced that we were just really great friends.  And no, thank you very much, I don’t think I’m the one that makes them awkward.  I try to make them quick and painless.  However they usually get dragged out into multiple lingering hugs and chats and walkings to my car and yeah.  Kinda strange.  No, I am NOT reading anything into that as there is nothing to read into.

I’m certain that many of you are scratching your heads at the moment as last I reported he had ‘dumped’ me as a friend, to which I shot off one of my rambling missives and had been pretty damn certain that I would not be speaking to him again.  I was pissed.  Hurt and pissed.  Not a great combination for me.  Turns me into a needy bitch.  Horrible combination.  Anyway, he responded with an amazing e-mail.  About a lot of things, but mainly regarding the fact that he knows he was an ass, he never meant to end our friendship, he viewed my friendship and trying to get ‘the bitch’ back as mutually exclusive and either thought I’d hurt his chances of getting her back, or that maybe I’d distract him from getting her back?  That part is totally unclear to me.  What transpired in the week and a half or so that we didn’t talk is that he and ‘the bitch’ are done.  With a capital D.  She showed him her true colors (or he finally opted to recognize it) and every single thing that I warned him about her, in which he thought I was just being jealous, turned out to be true.  However she’s been a million times worse than I even imagined.  Anyway, he sounded so amazingly downtrodden in his e-mail to me (Click called it ‘War and Peace’) that I couldn’t just ignore it.  I did for a few days.  4 to be exact as I needed to be sure why I would be contacting him again.  Regardless of any other feelings I may have for him, he was a friend.  In desperate need of a friend.  And as black hearted and evil as I may claim to be, I couldn’t let him flail about by himself.  Yes, he’s in some strange black hole right now, yes if it was so easy for him to blow me off to begin with, it won’t be difficult to do again and yes, as we all know I tend to do, I’m trying to ‘fix’ things within him.  When he doesn’t have the kids we either get together or talk on the phone for hours.  I worry about him.  I think he deserves at least that much.  It all started on Sunday night with an innocuous ‘hi’ text from me.  I don’t know what it is about him that makes me trust him.  He violated that trust once before but I still do.  Go figure.

Although I still haven’t figured out the selfless vs selfish internal debate yet, I just know that I would not feel like a good person if I ignored such a huge cry for help.  I told him last night that although I really had no intentions of ever speaking to him again after the cavalier way he went about things regarding me, that once I got his e-mail and was able to work it out in my head, that it comes down to one thing.  I did care about him.  I still do.  As a friend or more I still can’t answer (hell no, I didn’t tell him that part).  What I can state unequivocably though, is that if you care for someone, as a friend or otherwise, you do not get to pick and choose when to do so.  If someone needs you, you’re there.  And that’s what I’m doing.  No, I have no idea how this is going to end.  Yes, I will most likely end up getting hurt.  It’s just a risk I’m willing to take.  As I am still uncertain as to what it is, exactly, I am looking to get out of this, I don’t really have much to lose (self respect regenerates, right?).

I am certainly not going to pine away for him and the fact that I am not all that into online douchebag hunting at the moment has nothing to do with him.  I will keep dating and searching for Mr. Right.  I promise.  Nope, I’m not promising you (3), I’m promising myself.  And this time, I’m not lying.

.

Here is a special message to my amazing friend who I blatantly lied to about this and have felt guilty about ever since.  I’m sorry.  I know you would never judge me and only want what’s best for me.  As I am usually in the process of judging myself though, I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell anyone.  I’m sorry. 😦  I hope you have the most wonderful birthday ever and thank you for being my friend.  xoxoxxoxoxo

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Now enough of this bullshit, head on over to Dating Sauce to see my non-TD involving, non-lame (well, a matter of opinion I guess), non shake your head at me and plot the exact the exact day you get to say ‘i told you so’ post. 🙂  Go.  I don’t want them to think I’m a total loser ……. I prefer for that to be our little secret 😉

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13 Responses to “Head VS Heart”

  1. It doesn’t sound like love for TD but it does sound like this is someone who affects you deeply. And in a positive way.

    Why not step back just one step, and take this relationship wherever it’s going to go without preconceptions. Start slow, be friends, see what develops. But, is there a ‘right’ sequence to these things?

    One thing: if you can, completely ignore the OW and just be the best ‘you’ without regard to her. As a guy, I think he’ll then get to choose between a woman with problems (OW) or you (low maintenance, upbeat, funny, YOU)…

    • Thanks SD. Being a big square apparently (me, not you), I don’t know what your hipster lingo of ‘OW’ means, but will assume it means ‘other woman’? No, she is not a factor in this and I do not worry about her. She just happens to be the catalyst for why he needs a friend so much right now. I have no preconceived notions of where this may or may not go. We are friends and nothing more. Not many things make me happy lately and he does. I obviously trust the guy as he identified something in me yesterday that I don’t let anyone ever see (and will rarely even admit to myself). Kinda threw me off to realize how much he really does know and ‘get’ me.

  2. I don’t think you’re truly in love with him, but I do believe you want to be more than friends. I hope this doesn’t end up badly, but for now it’s also not the worst thing. Simple: if he’s making you happy, there you have it. And even if it is him that facilitates a break from the online dating crazy train, who cares? You need a break from it as it’s become something you feel you need to do instead of want to do – it’s not fun right now (and I can say that since I’ve been there). No guilt, no judgment. I totally get it. Love, from your much older and wiser friend 😉

    • Thank you, friend. I kinda don’t think I am either, but it’s been so long since I have been in love that who knows if I remember what it even feels like. You’re right though, I don’t just want to be his friend, but that just isn’t in the cards and I’m getting better at being okay with that. He does make me happy though. I like spending time with him. I am fully aware that time spent is just 2 friends hanging out and I don’t have anything other than that in my head. I think we’re both probably ‘void-fillers’ for the other. It is what it is.

      Come on now, though ……. you’ve known me long enough to realize that it will end badly. There’s seemingly no other way with me 😉

  3. Surrey gal Says:

    I agree with others, I don’t think you are in love (look at us, telling you what YOU are feeling 🙂 ). Sit down and think: if he was with somebody else for next five years and then got married, would you still love him? If you met a hot, young hunk and got into a serious relationship with him, would ou still be thinking about TD and how you would rather be with him than with a hunk? if the anwer is yes, then….
    But maybe you just need a good distraction, somebody who adores and cherishes YOU and allows you to forget about TD who seems to fill the empty space currently available in your life?

    • I never thought I was in love with him to begin with until people started telling me it seemed like I was. 🙂 I’m switching back now to my own opinion that yes, I may actually love him, but that’s different from being IN love with him.

      Yeah, uh, I’ve been looking for that hunk that adores me for years, my friend. He’s apparently got a really good hiding place though……..if you happen to stumble upon one, send him my way and I’d be more than happy to test out your theory 😉

  4. JaneDoePhx Says:

    I dont like how you describe yourself as blackhearted and evil – you are truly one of the most kind, generous, and honest people I know. Now. on to TD. Why not just do what feels good? Maybe just take it one day at a time, and just enjoy the ride (no pun intended!)? You deserve to kick your heels up and just go with the flow. Who knows what will happen with ANYTHING in life? I know, sounds like I have been sucking on legalized something or other and listening to the Grateful Dead…but whatever. I think you are attracted to each other because you make each other feel good. Nothin wrong with that!!! Let it grow. In love, not in love….does it really matter? You both fulfill needs in each other and like being together.

    • Jane! I was just thinking about you! How are you? You know i’m only partially blackhearted and evil, but thank you very much for the kind words.

      As for TD, that’s what I’m trying to do. You’re right that who knows what could happen in the future? There are so many different directions that this could go, but for now, I do enjoy being with him and he’s been a good friend. And we have WAY too much in common. Kinda funny/odd/creepy. He’s like the male version of me only in much nicer package. 😉

      I’m just going with the flow this time around. 🙂

  5. TikkTok Says:

    I think you need to go bike riding to figure out if you are in love or not. 😉

    I will say, though, that long-lasting love affairs (and usually relationships) are built on that kind of friendship. And sometimes, it will hit you out of the blue where you might have been thinking there was nothing more and certainly not *that*. Then something happens, er, changes and it hits you in the face. 😀

    • Nice Tikk! I don’t think I even remember how to ride a bike. 😦 Looking back, I’ve never had any sort of romantic relationship start with just being friends first, so who knows? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, he’s a good guy and I’ll enjoy his company for as long as I have the option. (it would be nice to be hit in the face though ….. figuratively, of course 😉 )


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