So since TD and I ‘made up’ on Sunday let’s see. After my innocuous ‘hi’ text to him, he called and we spoke for over 3 hours that night. Monday we spoke on the phone for 2 hours. Tuesday we went to happy hour and the movies. Thursday we met to play pool for a bit while his son was at practice. Friday we went out to dinner. Saturday I went to his house to make dinner and watch movies. Damn it, they weren’t porn, but whatever. I was there until 2:30am. We talk for hours on end. Always. Today he is taking me to his daughter’s horse competition where I will get to meet her and ex wife #2. Does this seem strange to anyone else? I am so firmly planted in the friend zone that he has told his kids and ex wife about me. I know for a fact that he will not let the kids know when he starts dating again and firmly believes in the 6 month rule before introducing a new love interest to his kids. I get to actually meet them today. Pretty excited about that. We get along. It’s like having a boyfriend without all the bullshit. Sadly, it’s also like having a boyfriend without any of the fringe benefits either.
Such an odd situation. Now that I have finally come clean with myself I know I’d like to be more than friends. I have no idea what his thoughts are on this matter. I had the perfect opportunity to ask him the other night, but I got nervous and zoned out. Awesome. He actually asked me on the way to dinner on Friday if I thought he was ready to date again. I looked at him like he had 2 heads and told him that was not my decision to make and only he could answer that. ALL of his past relationships have started with friends. The man has never dated in his life. Ever. I don’t know if he’s lucky for that or if he’s missed out on anything. He flat out told me that he does not want, and his friends have told him not to, just get together with another friend as his last picks were not good ones. That he needs to date around a bit. I actually don’t disagree with this. When he talks about needing to not just start dating a friend because it’s convenient or easy is he talking about me? No clue. No clue if I’ll be included in the rotation when he starts dating either. If I’m not, I’ll probably have to wander off into the sunset as although I really am okay with the ‘friends’ thing (right now, anyway) and don’t hold many expectations otherwise, I have no desire to see him date others.
When he asked me the other night, on the phone btw, not in person, if I would be jealous when he starts dating again, I instinctively said ‘no’. Not sure why I said that as it’s closer to the truth to say that I will try my best not to be, but probably will be. I did have the wits about me to ask why he asked in the hopes of getting some sort of better insight. Uh, and that’s when I zoned out. I got nervous for his answer and didn’t want to hear that I was not even a consideration so I blocked out the rest of the conversation. What a dumbass I am. I know that he said that he realized I felt ‘some sort of connection’ when we 1st went out and that I would have wanted to go on a 2nd date with him and I actually mustered up the ability to say ‘and you didn’t?’ and that, my friends, is the last I remember of the conversation. I have no clue what his response was or what else was said. Ahh, the subconscious is a pretty
fucked up tricky thing.
I don’t know that he has any idea that I am truly interested in dating him and am not just trying to build up his self confidence. Then again, he may. What a jumbled mess. He gives me dating pep talks all the time. I ask him about his ‘practice’ online profile on OkStupid. All I really want to do is scream in his face to wake up and look at me. I am perfect for him (once I lose 10 lbs and managed to find some muscle tone) and he is without a doubt the kind of man that I want and deserve. I just don’t know about the attraction factor on his end. I know he thinks I’m a pretty amazing person and he told me last night that my personality is one of my best features. I, of course, say ‘thanks, that what people tell ugly chicks’. Gotta love being me. He backpedalled and told me I was attractive, but damn it would just be nice to know what the hell is going on in his head.
I don’t however as that just wouldn’t be my world. I am actually really happy with just spending time with him. He gets me out of my head and makes me smile. I’m no good at sharing though, and know he will start dating sooner than later. That, my friends, is when the proverbial shit is going to hit the fan. He is such an amazingly good and trusting man that not only am I afraid that someone will take advantage of him, but that he will allow it to happen. He places so much of his self worth in relationships, that I fear he will pick poorly. Again. I also know that there is nothing I can do about that.
Thank god I’ve got some fun distractions coming up in my trip to Vegas with my all time favorite lush and then a cruise for a week. Best case scenario? I’m gone for a week, he figures out how empty his life is without me and declares his interest upon my return. Most likely scenario? He will meet some other chick while I’m gone and fall for her ……… crap.
I am absolutely taking things one day at a time. I am enjoying what I have while I have it. I am ‘going with the flow’ on this. I am not going to allow myself to mess up what little I have now with thoughts of what I really want in the future. I am going to see what happens and try my best to keep my neurotic messy side securely locked in the closet. He is more than a friend to me. I do not think I am anything more than that to him, however. Boo. 😦