43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Well That’s Not The Way I Planned Things October 11, 2011

Awesome.  So I had it all planned out in my head.  I’d wait until either after Vegas or my cruise to talk to TD.  To tell him that I sorta fibbed about not being jealous about his dating.  About my wanting to date him and what did he think of that idea.  It was the perfect scenario.  And then I realized that this is my life I’m talking about and nothing goes as planned.  And he called.  And forced my fucking hand.  Background:  I don’t think he’s ready to date yet.  I don’t think he’s over his ex.  I don’t think he has the tools to even know what he’s looking for.  I’m afraid he’ll fall for the 1st woman who is nice to him.  I’m afraid he’ll fall for anyone but me.  Okay.  Now that we’re all on the same page here, he calls tonight and tells me he’s going back on Match.  And I totally clammed up.  I told him that I think he should (semi lie).  I told him that he shouldn’t have a problem meeting women (not a lie).  I told him that if that’s what he felt he needed to do, then okay (kinda lie).  And then I started crying (to myself; he couldn’t hear or tell).  Great.  He kept asking me what I was thinking.  Why I was so quiet.  So I told him.  I told him I lied about not being jealous if he dated around.  That it wasn’t an intentional lie, that I thought I meant it at the time.

He said he was concerned about that all along.  Like the whole fucking time we’d known each other.  Nice to be so transparent.  I tried to explain where the jealousy would be coming from without actually admitting what I didn’t want to admit.  That didn’t go over so well.  So I just told him.  Plain and simple.  I called him stupid and told him that if he combined all the traits and characteristics he was looking for, he’d have me.  And apparently I wasn’t even a consideration.  And he disagreed.  He said he didn’t want to lose our friendship.  I told him he couldn’t have it both ways.  He told me that he didn’t think it was fair to me to date me while dating others.  It’s not, but dammit, if that’s the only shot I have, then I guess I’ll sell myself short for him.  Fuck that sounds lame.

We’re going about this from two completely different angles.  He’s never dated.  Ever.  I’ve apparently dated the world.  He’s always fallen into a relationship with whoever was closest and doesn’t want to do that this time around.  And yes, btw, I would be ‘whoever’s closest’.  He has no clue what he’s looking for.  I know exactly that he’s what I’m looking for.  He doesn’t want to hurt me.  I think it’s ridiculous to not even see if there is anything more there.  He said we both have a lot to think about.

Why could I not be the totally cool friend who helps him with his lovelife and waits it out to pick up the pieces 6 months from now?  Why must I be the panic stricken idiot who is afraid he’ll find someone better than me when I know he can’t?  He said if, and that’s a fairly big if, we do try ‘dating’, he doesn’t want me to stop looking elsewhere (how fucked up is that) as he’ll be doing the same.  I doubt I’d be able to do that.  I swear I’m a smart woman.  I really am.  Did I really just agree (or more accurately, force his hand) to be ‘a number’ in the rotation?  God dammit!  There’s no going back now is there?

In essence, I have just entirely fucked up our friendship on the off chance that I’ll get put into the rotation.  Really? 

(and just to prove my point on how amazingly stressed out I am about this, I have just sprung a spontaneous nose-bleed.  add another thing to the list of things I thought I’d never do) 😦

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11 Responses to “Well That’s Not The Way I Planned Things”

  1. Yay for you. If you stop worrying, you’ll see you probably just got everything you want!

    He wants to date you. You want to date him. You got to tell him the truth (smart move) and he got to tell you that he’s not a dummy and knew all along what you were thinking (and this is actually a score for you because, bottom line, he’s not a dummy and you wouldn’t be happy with a bozo who couldn’t keep up.

    As an outsider, it’s like he made it easy for you (if I were you, of course I would be swimming in mental circles).
    Him: “…he calls tonight and tells me he’s going back on Match”
    You: (Crickets).
    Him: “He kept asking me what I was thinking. Why I was so quiet.”
    He was trying to get you to open up, and you did it!

    Now, stop worrying about whether or not he’s going to see you as a non-friend or date anyone else or find someone better. For one thing, you just said that he dates friends…and — lo! — that’s you!

    Just be the cool you with the quick wit and big smile. Let dear old Time worry about everything else.

    • Wow SD. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t expect this response from you. I expected you to let me know what an idiot I’m being for basically agreeing to let the man i’m interested in date others. You are right though, I need to just concentrate on me and try not to worry about ‘the others’. I don’t actually think it’s in his character to date around (and certainly not to sleep around, of that I am certain), but I guess we will see and you’re right. Time will tell.

      If my options are to sit on the sidelines and see if I can win by default or actually get in the game, it’s about damn time I take a chance and step up to the plate.

      • Ah, you should have expected it, I’ve been telling you for a month or two that you doth protest too much and he seems like a potential boyfriend not friend!

        The reason I didn’t directly mention and don’t think you should be concerned about the “dating others” issue is that he’s unlikely to want to see anyone else if he likes you. Also, because you’ve said ALL his special lasses started out as friends. Hence, a date won’t turn into a relationship, but your long phone calls and fun times fit with his past dating profile.

        As I said, from where you stand right now, he’s yours. It’s just going to take patience. Fortunately this wouldn’t apply to you, so there’s no need to point that worrying neurotically and over-analyzing from here on is less helpful than enjoying the moments and living the life and pacing the progress. As I said, this is something that only other people need be careful of; you’ll be just fine.

        • Yes, but because all of his former whatevers started out as friends first, he doesn’t want to do that again. That’s a strike against me. I think he thinks he’d be settling for convenience over best choice (lucky for him that I’m actually both). I can only hope that his search on Match results in nothing more than a bunch of 1st dates. I don’t know what I’ll do if he goes out with someone more than once, but then again, hopefully I won’t know.

          I am going to try my best to just concentrate on me and what might/might not be going on behind my back.

          Such a screwy situation. Why can’t I like ‘simple’ guys?

  2. Kat Richter Says:

    And I thought I had it bad! I’ve missed a few of your more recent posts so I may have missed something but either way, this does not seem like a very good situation 😦 I tend to think that if you or your potential partner are both “waiting” to see what happens with other people, that’s a red flag right there but good for you for at least having had the guts to be honest with him! And if it makes you feel any better, I’m back to teenage acne after my man troubles this past weekend…

    • Hi Kat. I was actually hoping you’d chime in today. No, not the best of scenarios. Honestly though, I don’t plan on dating while/if I’m seeing him. There’s really no point in looking for ‘something better’ when I like who i’m with. In some sad way I sort of understand TD’s desire to ‘check and see’ with others. Am I happy about it? No, but if that’s what he needs to do in order to figure out that I might actually be a good choice, then I guess that’s what I’ll do(or so I say now).

      Sorry about #7, btw, ridiculous guy stress. Does wonders for the appearance (so says my additional 5 lbs)

  3. everevie Says:

    Oh my gosh…so much going on!! I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch…but I’m back now.

    So let’s see…here are some disjointed thoughts about your situation:

    1. No matter how this plays out…I think it’s fantastic that you said something to him. The ball is in his court now…and you don’t have to worry about when or if you should tell him about your feelings.
    2. I think he handled it pretty well. He was honest with you. And I think if dating you were out of the question, he would have just said so.
    3. Okay…so you’ve “officially” added yourself to the “rotation” but ya know what? You would’ve been un-officially part of the rotation as his bff. And at least this way, you know you are working towards something instead of just watching his dating life from the outside.
    4. Unfortunately…this also means you won’t get the dirt on the other girls…thereby nixing your chances to point out their (I’m sure) numerous flaws.
    5. You and I both know you are the whole package…so if he fails with you…there is something seriously broken about him. 🙂
    6. My biggest question is how do you segue between bff and dating-partner? Does the old friendship get put on hold? How can it move forward the way it always has??
    7. I’m rooting for you!!!

    • Yeah, would have been nice had I actually been prepared for the conversation and not blindsided so I could have possibly acted like a rational adult. I’m a little paranoid about having just blurted everything out, but he has a horrid memory and was drinking, so I’m hoping he doesn’t remember everything. 😉

      You’re right, I would have been a part of the rotation as his friend (he even said that), but I know me. As bad as it will be being part of the rotation when I actually get to ‘play along’, it would have been worse just being on the outside.

      I have no earthly idea how the ‘transition’ thing works. None. I’m going to be a nervous wreck next time I see him. No clue how to greet him or how to act. Damn, I don’t get nervous around guys ……

      We still have things to talk about, but for today at least, we’re both acting like last night didn’t happen 😉

  4. Da Peach Says:

    Honesty is ALWAYS the way to go!!! Do it up front and the sooner the better. If he is just leading you on, like he wants to keep you in reserve, but still date around that isn’t good. Okay so he has been out of circulation for a while and wants to see what’s out there. Then he should tell you that. But don’t be just left hanging. I know you have feelings involved, but you are worth more than that, just to sit around and wait. So you do the same thing and tell him that if you neigther one find some one else you will meet back at the same place and give it a go at dating each other, in a short period of time. That is called saving face!!
    You go girl!! You take control of the relationship. We’ll be watching. 🙂

    • I don’t think he’d ever do anything to intentionally hurt me, but am wondering about being ‘the backup plan’. I don’t think that I am, but who knows. We still need to talk some stuff out and I need to figure some things out in my head. Haven’t decided yet if it would be best to go along with his stupid plan or just walk away ….. *sigh*


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