Awesome. So I had it all planned out in my head. I’d wait until either after Vegas or my cruise to talk to TD. To tell him that I sorta fibbed about not being jealous about his dating. About my wanting to date him and what did he think of that idea. It was the perfect scenario. And then I realized that this is my life I’m talking about and nothing goes as planned. And he called. And forced my fucking hand. Background: I don’t think he’s ready to date yet. I don’t think he’s over his ex. I don’t think he has the tools to even know what he’s looking for. I’m afraid he’ll fall for the 1st woman who is nice to him. I’m afraid he’ll fall for anyone but me. Okay. Now that we’re all on the same page here, he calls tonight and tells me he’s going back on Match. And I totally clammed up. I told him that I think he should (semi lie). I told him that he shouldn’t have a problem meeting women (not a lie). I told him that if that’s what he felt he needed to do, then okay (kinda lie). And then I started crying (to myself; he couldn’t hear or tell). Great. He kept asking me what I was thinking. Why I was so quiet. So I told him. I told him I lied about not being jealous if he dated around. That it wasn’t an intentional lie, that I thought I meant it at the time.
He said he was concerned about that all along. Like the whole fucking time we’d known each other. Nice to be so transparent. I tried to explain where the jealousy would be coming from without actually admitting what I didn’t want to admit. That didn’t go over so well. So I just told him. Plain and simple. I called him stupid and told him that if he combined all the traits and characteristics he was looking for, he’d have me. And apparently I wasn’t even a consideration. And he disagreed. He said he didn’t want to lose our friendship. I told him he couldn’t have it both ways. He told me that he didn’t think it was fair to me to date me while dating others. It’s not, but dammit, if that’s the only shot I have, then I guess I’ll sell myself short for him. Fuck that sounds lame.
We’re going about this from two completely different angles. He’s never dated. Ever. I’ve apparently dated the world. He’s always fallen into a relationship with whoever was closest and doesn’t want to do that this time around. And yes, btw, I would be ‘whoever’s closest’. He has no clue what he’s looking for. I know exactly that he’s what I’m looking for. He doesn’t want to hurt me. I think it’s ridiculous to not even see if there is anything more there. He said we both have a lot to think about.
Why could I not be the totally cool friend who helps him with his lovelife and waits it out to pick up the pieces 6 months from now? Why must I be the panic stricken idiot who is afraid he’ll find someone better than me when I know he can’t? He said if, and that’s a fairly big if, we do try ‘dating’, he doesn’t want me to stop looking elsewhere (how fucked up is that) as he’ll be doing the same. I doubt I’d be able to do that. I swear I’m a smart woman. I really am. Did I really just agree (or more accurately, force his hand) to be ‘a number’ in the rotation? God dammit! There’s no going back now is there?
In essence, I have just entirely fucked up our friendship on the off chance that I’ll get put into the rotation. Really?
(and just to prove my point on how amazingly stressed out I am about this, I have just sprung a spontaneous nose-bleed. add another thing to the list of things I thought I’d never do) 😦