So TD and I played the ‘act like last night’s conversation never took place’ game yesterday. Awesome. As we all know I was completely freaked out on Tuesday night after our conversation and my basically spilling my guts. Yeah, strange that at 44, I’ve never actually been completely honest with someone I was interested in (or myself). It manifested itself in a sort of mild panic attack. Not so awesome. Never had one of those before. Never had to deal with any of this before. I was actually a-okay yesterday regarding ‘things’. I knew that we still had some things to talk about, so I didn’t worry about things too much. As I didn’t sleep 1 wink on Tuesday night, I pretty much just passed out at 9pm last night (yes, apparently I’m 80) and slept thru until 5am. That never happens.
So I wake up after a good night’s sleep and huh, not doing so spectacular today. It’s so weird the things that are going through my head right now. I’ve gotten input from several friends. Some think I’m an idiot, some think it’s worth the chance, some just looked at me with pity. As I’m still trying to work this out in my head, I’m just going to make one of my infamous lists that I’m so fond of so I can try and get a handle on what I want to do.
1. TD would never intentionally hurt me. Of this I am completely certain. Doesn’t mean it won’t happen unintentionally.
2. Does he really want to try dating me, or did I force his hand?
3. Can I really handle him dating other people?
4. Is it fair to me that he dates other people?
5. He wants me to ‘date around’ as well. Sorry, but I’m not hardwired that way. Why would I want to continue looking if I found someone that I already enjoy spending time with? To go out with some random person on the off chance that we’ll have a good time when I know for a fact that I’d have a good time with TD?
6. TD says he wants to ‘date around’ as he’s not sure of what he’s looking for and what he wants. I guess I don’t understand that. If I was completely honest with myself (*gag*), I guess I could interpret that as he knows I’m NOT what he’s looking for.
7. I love our friendship. I really do. He needs a friend more right now than he needs a girlfriend. I’m a little conflicted on agreeing to just be friends for his sake, when I know that’s not what I want.
8. I realize there is no going back now. The cat’s out of the bag.
9. If he does really ‘date around’, which I’m certain he will at least try to do, I know I couldn’t sit by as a friend and as fucked up as it is, I think I’d deal better with it if I was at least in competition. How screwed up is that? I would feel like a complete loser just sitting on the sidelines waiting to see if I ‘win’ by default, but wouldn’t so much if I were actually participating in the game.
10. Why can’t life be simple?
11. I know he likes me. He likes spending time with me. I know he’s thought about us dating. I just don’t know what the hell is going through his mind right now.
12. I went on Match last night to update my profile for the sole reason that I actually got sent TD’s brand spankin’ new profile yesterday (and was sent his profile on OkStupid the day before) and actually had some fairly decent guys send me a lame wink. No desire to respond though.
13. I think things are ‘weird’ with us now. I know he feels like he can’t talk to me any more about the ex or anything else like that. I don’t really see it that way as he’s always shared that stuff with me, so why stop now?
14. Was it worth telling him how I feel?
15. What the hell is he really thinking about all of this?
16. Would it really be possible for me to concentrate on ‘us’ and not worry about anyone else?
I just need to talk to him. In person. Sober. Rationally. I need to try to figure this out. Where the hell is my fairy tale? Shouldn’t he be thrilled that I’m interested in him and willing to give it a shot instead of freaking out and wanting to make sure that I’m what he wants (which I totally interpret as his looking for someone ‘better’). I’m not sure that my ego can take the impending hits.
*edited to add* He did send me a text later that night asking me to please be patient with him and that as he never wants to hurt me, he will always be cautious about our future. I’m not sure what to make of that……..