43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

October 13, 2011

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:16 am

So TD and I played the ‘act like last night’s conversation never took place’ game yesterday.  Awesome.  As we all know I was completely freaked out on Tuesday night after our conversation and my basically spilling my guts.  Yeah, strange that at 44, I’ve never actually been completely honest with someone I was interested in (or myself).  It manifested itself in a sort of mild panic attack.  Not so awesome.  Never had one of those before.  Never had to deal with any of this before.  I was actually a-okay yesterday regarding ‘things’.  I knew that we still had some things to talk about, so I didn’t worry about things too much.  As I didn’t sleep 1 wink on Tuesday night, I pretty much just passed out at 9pm last night (yes, apparently I’m 80) and slept thru until 5am.  That never happens.

So I wake up after a good night’s sleep and huh, not doing so spectacular today.  It’s so weird the things that are going through my head right now.  I’ve gotten input from several friends.  Some think I’m an idiot, some think it’s worth the chance, some just looked at me with pity.  As I’m still trying to work this out in my head, I’m just going to make one of my infamous lists that I’m so fond of so I can try and get a handle on what I want to do.

1.  TD would never intentionally hurt me.  Of this I am completely certain.  Doesn’t mean it won’t happen unintentionally.

2.  Does he really want to try dating me, or did I force his hand?

3.  Can I really handle him dating other people?

4.  Is it fair to me that he dates other people?

5.  He wants me to ‘date around’ as well.  Sorry, but I’m not hardwired that way.  Why would I want to continue looking if I found someone that I already enjoy spending time with?  To go out with some random person on the off chance that we’ll have a good time when I know for a fact that I’d have a good time with TD? 

6.  TD says he wants to ‘date around’ as he’s not sure of what he’s looking for and what he wants.  I guess I don’t understand that.  If I was completely honest with myself (*gag*), I guess I could interpret that as he knows I’m NOT what he’s looking for.

7.  I love our friendship.  I really do.  He needs a friend more right now than he needs a girlfriend.  I’m a little conflicted on agreeing to just be friends for his sake, when I know that’s not what I want.

8.  I realize there is no going back now.  The cat’s out of the bag.

9.  If he does really ‘date around’, which I’m certain  he will at least try to do, I know I couldn’t sit by as a friend and as fucked up as it is, I think I’d deal better with it if I was at least in competition.  How screwed up is that?  I would feel like a complete loser just sitting on the sidelines waiting to see if I ‘win’ by default, but wouldn’t so much if I were actually participating in the game.

10.  Why can’t life be simple?

11.  I know he likes me.  He likes spending time with me.  I know he’s thought about us dating.  I just don’t know what the hell is going through his mind right now.

12.  I went on Match last night to update my profile for the sole reason that I actually got sent TD’s brand spankin’ new profile yesterday (and was sent his profile on OkStupid the day before) and actually had some fairly decent guys send me a lame wink.  No desire to respond though.

13.  I think things are ‘weird’ with us now.  I know he feels like he can’t talk to me any more about the ex or anything else like that.  I don’t really see it that way as he’s always shared that stuff with me, so why stop now?

14.  Was it worth telling him how I feel? 

15.  What the hell is he really thinking about all of this?

16.  Would it really be possible for me to concentrate on ‘us’ and not worry about anyone else?

I just need to talk to him.  In person.  Sober.  Rationally.  I need to try to figure this out.  Where the hell is my fairy tale?  Shouldn’t he be thrilled that I’m interested in him and willing to give it a shot instead of freaking out and wanting to make sure that I’m what he wants (which I totally interpret as his looking for someone ‘better’).  I’m not sure that my ego can take the impending hits.

*edited to add* He did send me a text later that night asking me to please be patient with him and that as he never wants to hurt me, he will always be cautious about our future.  I’m not sure what to make of that……..


14 Responses to “”

  1. Kat Richter Says:

    Jeez… I feel for you 😦 I don’t really have any advice to offer aside from the fact that being “just friends” with someone doesn’t necessarily suck, especially as it sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and is still trying to figure it out. I’d say don’t wait around for him to make up his mind in terms of your romantic relationship (or lack thereof) but do try to remain friends if you can stomach it. I’d also say that you SHOULD try dating other people in the meantime… maybe then he’ll realize what he’s missing!

    • Thanks Kat. I’m wondering if it’s possible to go back to ‘just friends’ in his head. Pretty sure I could do it, but now that he knows how I feel, I don’t think he’d be able to. 😦

  2. tiffsjourney Says:

    Ugh. Those situations suck. Totally. I can relate.

    I would date… try to as much as you can. If nothing else… it may help get your mind off HD and you may even find someone that does actually think you’re something worth investing in, without having to search around just to “make sure”.

    This is why I hate dating. Too much friggen grey area. Say what you’re feeling dammit… men are so hard to understand.

    • Hi Tiff. I do need to still talk to him, but you’re right, I do need to still try to date, I just know it will be a bit of a waste of time. Your “find someone that does actually think you’re something worth investing in, without having to search around just to “make sure”” kinda hit close to home. At the heart of all of this, there is that. He sent me a text that night asking me to please be patient with him and that he will always be cautious about our future as he doesn’t want to hurt me …….. not sure on that one……. probably should add that to the ‘list’.

  3. Lafemmeroar Says:

    Friend zone is definitely different than dating zone. Some of my thoughts:
    #1 Men never intentionally want to hurt “us” it just happens.
    #9 That is a strange way of looking at things, but is it really the competition or do you think that you’ve got an advantage once you start dating him?
    #10 Life has too many malfunctions to be simple.

    We’re all little puzzle pieces looking for the one that fits. I hope you find your match. I enjoyed reading your list. Good luck in your search.

    • Yes, I often have a strange way of looking at things. 😉 I guess I didn’t mean to use the word ‘competition’, but I do feel that I would have an advantage in that he knows me best, but then again, he shouldn’t want/need to ‘make sure’ for that same reason. I am thinking though that if I’m not even participating on ‘that level’ that he won’t think of me in any way other than as a friend. Yes, I know, I’m totally messed up. :- (

      Thanks so much for your thoughts. I sure hope I find my puzzle piece that fits too.

      • Lafemmeroar Says:

        You are NOT MESSED UP–complex yes 🙂 I’m still trying to find my puzzle piece the only problem is that my shape keeps changing. Hey, I’m a beautiful work in progress as are you 🙂

  4. Oh GG, I wish I could give you some advice, but I think I’m the last person qualified because I see some similarities to……. well you know. But I’ll keep my fingers crossed everything works out the way you want it to, once you figure out exactly what that is 🙂

    • Thanks One. 😦 I’ve been reading you too, but have absolutely no advice to give and aren’t feeling very encouraging lately, so haven’t commented. Sorry.

      Yes, knowing exactly how I’d hope things would work out would be absolutely stellar! 🙂

      • Oneisthenumber Says:

        Things are looking up a little for me. TGTBT and I getting to a place where wend are casually friendly and I’m starting to be able to let it go. It helps I have a new prospect 😉

  5. everevie Says:

    Well…gee. Hmm…I feel one of two ways depending on the moment:

    1. Hang in there with what you have stated as a desire. Accept the conditions which he set forth. Give it time, give him the benefit of the doubt and take him at all his words: He’s confused, he doesn’t want to hurt you or ruin your friendship, he’s being cautious.

    If you take this option…I suggest you continue, as best as possible to behave the way you always have…in terms of how often you talk, text, hang-out. BUT one thing that HAS to change if you want to really get in the game is that you have to ascertain your physical chemistry. You need to manage a kiss. What if he SUCKS at it…and you’ve spent all this time fretting over a guy whose kisses are terrible? You need to know for yourself…and you need him to see you in a sexier way. 🙂

    Thought #2. Get out now. Loosen the ties, but don’t cut them. Place everything on hold…but keep no contact w/him. Maybe just for a set period of time…like until after your cruise. Tell him honestly how much you feel for him…and that you want him to have his chance to shop around (b/c he’ll realize your worth pretty soon)…but you can’t be around to watch. Maybe he needs to see you set apart from the flock. And maybe he needs to see you stand up for yourself. In the meantime, take care of your life. If he finds someone else while you are on your “sabbatical” you will have given yourself the time needed to make that transition easier AND you will know it would have sucked worse to see him choose someone else while you were in the running. Although…I think he’ll miss you before that happens. 🙂

    But like I said…I’m constantly waffling between the two. So…yeah, I know…big help.

    • I will thank you to get the hell out of my head Evie 😉 These are exactly the 2 things I keep waffling about and I even wonder about the whole kissing thing too. That would SUCK if he’s no good and i’ve spent all this time wondering ……..

      • Serena Says:

        Ask him for the kiss! Tell him there would be no sense in taking it further if you didn’t have that type of chemistry….and then once he sees how great a kisser you are he will be taken with you. Case closed! Lol.

        And if he doesn’t give it willingly just toss him up against the door on his way out and plant one on him…..hahaha!!

        Best of luck either way, but protect your heart first and foremost….you deserve the best GG!

        • Haha Serena on the throw him against a door and kissing him. Kinda wish he’d do that to me. Then we wouldn’t be going anywhere! 😉

          Ahhhh, protecting my heart. Sounds so simple….. but thank you

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