43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Can I Do It? October 16, 2011

Filed under: bad dates,dating,internet dating,online dating,single — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 12:25 am
Tags: , , , , ,

I know I should probably walk away from my friendship with TD.  I opened my big fat mouth and blurted that I want to be more than friends.  In the most embarrassing manner possible.  And as par for the course, I can’t remember all that was said.  I love my fucked up psyche. 

Moreso than blurting what I did to TD, I am more upset at the sheer desperation of what I said.  And at the core, it has nothing to do with TD.  Am I so terrified of never finding anyone that I am willing to sacrifice my self respect?  Did I really basically beg to be allowed into a dating rotation?  Am I that scared of going through another holiday season alone? Would I ever lower myself to ‘date’ someone who was dating others?  Huh, apparently so.  And that’s what shocks me more than the fact that I totally embarrassed myself.  I can get over being embarrassed, but I don’t think that self respect regenerates.

In the spirit of full disclosure and insuring that you all are fully aware of just how ridiculously my mind works, I am going to share a few thoughts.  Lucky you!  I am fully aware of the reasons I need to drop our friendship.  We will never be anything more than that.  I will most likely have it somewhere buried in the back of my head that we will be.  Hanging around him/depending on him like I do might inhibit my dating others.  He gets to have the best of both worlds by dating others AND keeping me as a friend to unload all of his concerns on.  Lucky guy.

Here are some reasons why I am not ready to do that right now.  I DO think I have it through my head that we will never be more than friends.  It usually only takes me making an ass out of myself once to understand that what I want and what I’ll get are apparently mutually exclusive.  I do like spending time with him.  As I don’t have anything else going on right now, why not hang out when we can and enjoy his company?  He’s nice to me (yes, fully aware of how lame that sounds).  He worries about me.  Pretty sure although I get a lot out of the friendship too, that he is the majority shareholder of benefits.  Just as he uses me to vent to and get advice, I use him as a distraction and something to do.  Why would I want to stay home, when I could go out to dinner and the movies?

I know at the core that he is a hugely confused and conflicted guy.  With an amazing heart that has been stomped on by some very undeserving people.  I can’t fix that.  I can’t fix him.  Why is it so wrong to want to keep him as a friend IF I realize that it is just friendship?  Sure, I understand the whole mindset behind ‘walk away and make him miss you’.  I get it.  I just don’t really feel like walking away and missing him though.  I DO know the difference between friendship and ‘holding out’.  I get it.  Will I be this ‘okay’ with things when he starts dating seriously?  Probably not.  And at that point, I will need to walk away.  It’s going to hurt either way.  Hurt now or hurt later.  I think I’ll go with the later.

No, I’m not dumb enough to not realize (damn that was a lot of double negatives) that what I just wrote is a total contradiction to what I say about realizing we’re just friends.  I think there’s a bit of grey area in that though.  I think I can have it in my head that we are just friends, that he will never date me but still not want to be around to see him date others.  Or at least that’s what I’m convincing myself of right now.

If I can ever find someone who doesn’t want to make me bash my head against the wall repeatedly, I will date.  No really, I will.  I have no intentions of not dating.  I’m not that stupid.  Well, I am, but not in this case.  😉 Being friends with TD will not hold me back from doing so.  I could be so lucky to find someone else who trumps TD and makes me forget all about him.  Until that happens though, can’t I do both?

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9 Responses to “Can I Do It?”

  1. Oh dear, where to start…… are you planning on eventually abandoning your friendship with TD because you’re embarrassed? You shouldn’t be embarrassed because you took a chance. You saw something you wanted and you asked for it. Perhaps you didn’t think through what you would have to give up for what you wanted (the security in being the only one) in the heat of the moment but there is no shame in telling someone how you feel. I think a lot of your embarrassment stems from that he just didn’t feel the same way If you look at it from the other side, I’m sure there have been men in your past had that feelings for you that you didn’t return in that way but you were more than willing to be friends with. (I’m guessing, I could be totally wrong on that score.)

    By your own admission he’s a good guy who is really confused and has been kicked around a lot. Sure he got kicked because he let himself get kicked by choosing to stay in bad situations but the damage was done either way. Look closely about why you want to be friends with him or why you don’t want to be friends with him. If you’re already planning on bailing on your friendship with him at some point in the future just do it now. I know you remember how much it hurt when he broke off the friendship with you for his stupid ex. Do you want to do that to him when you find Mr. Right? Not to be harsh, but is it maybe a form unconscious revenge for him not choosing you? (I’m all for revenge but make sure it’s intentional. It’s so much more satisfying and more importantly less guilt inducing that way.)
    As someone who quite often is NOT chosen I know the ego blow of rejection can lead to bad choices. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t stay friends with TD but if you do it should be because you really want him in your life and not because he’s a just a place holder for now……

    • Hi One. No, I can deal with being embarassed and of course it stems from him not reciprocating. That’s a pretty craptastic realization. The man keeps throwing out mixed signals though, so it’s up to me to know that he’s just being nice and doesn’t really mean anything by it.

      I am his friend because he really needs one. I would never try to enact any sort of revenge on him or anyone. I’m not hardwired that way. I don’t punish people for not feeling the way that I hoped they would. I can’t honestly answer the ‘placeholder’ question ……. should probably try to figure that out.

  2. Trust me, I feel you I went through that whole mixed signals thing. If you’re going to to try to have a friendship with him you just have to assume it’s ALWAYS just that he’s being nice from here on out. It’s the only way to survive until your feelings fade to a manageable level.
    And I hope you know I wasn’t trying to pick at you, I was just throwing things out there because after reading your entry I could see your brain was all over the place. I hope you work it out. )

  3. You can do it, but should you? I’ll prescribe some vodka and Earl of Sandwich in a few days and we’ll combine our womanly estrogen levels and do what we do best – hash and rehash and overthink and analyze ev-er-y-thing ;-). See ya in a few, friend.

  4. everevie Says:

    All things will become clearer with the passage of time. He might date a few less than stellar women and start to see your value. Or you might start seeing less value in him or…you might meet someone else. 🙂

    I think it’s sucky coincidence that while you are dealing w/this, there are also no good matches online. It sure would help things if you could see there are other awesome men out there (b/c there are)…who could entertain you…and maybe woo you.

    One thing though…I don’t think it’s a good idea, nor in your nature, to “walk away” to try and earn his interest. You should stay or go based solely on what you want and if you are being fulfilled or drained by the relationship.

    • TOTALLY sucky coincidence and yes it would help if I had other distractions. I’m acting like I didn’t just read the word ‘woo’. 😉

      It’s not in my nature to do that and you know what I decided (for today, at least)? I don’t have to decide anything. There is no earthly reason that I need to figure it all out in advance…… look how evolved I am 🙂

  5. OK I think I am caught up now on TD. I recall reading a comment about him being emotionally unavailable and that worries me a bit for you as he may not be able to give you all that you need…friends or otherwise. Really a tough call. I hope he doesnt hurt you Goose.

    • Welcome home Shades. I’ve missed you. Gee, I sure hope that you caught up on my TD roller coaster with a big fat cocktail! Yes, not only is he emotionally unavailable, but a fairly big emotional mess all the way around. I so appreciate your concern and hope that he doesn’t hurt me either (but let’s be honest, as it’s me we’re talking about, is there any other outcome?) 😉


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