I know I should probably walk away from my friendship with TD. I opened my big fat mouth and blurted that I want to be more than friends. In the most embarrassing manner possible. And as par for the course, I can’t remember all that was said. I love my fucked up psyche.
Moreso than blurting what I did to TD, I am more upset at the sheer desperation of what I said. And at the core, it has nothing to do with TD. Am I so terrified of never finding anyone that I am willing to sacrifice my self respect? Did I really basically beg to be allowed into a dating rotation? Am I that scared of going through another holiday season alone? Would I ever lower myself to ‘date’ someone who was dating others? Huh, apparently so. And that’s what shocks me more than the fact that I totally embarrassed myself. I can get over being embarrassed, but I don’t think that self respect regenerates.
In the spirit of full disclosure and insuring that you all are fully aware of just how ridiculously my mind works, I am going to share a few thoughts. Lucky you! I am fully aware of the reasons I need to drop our friendship. We will never be anything more than that. I will most likely have it somewhere buried in the back of my head that we will be. Hanging around him/depending on him like I do might inhibit my dating others. He gets to have the best of both worlds by dating others AND keeping me as a friend to unload all of his concerns on. Lucky guy.
Here are some reasons why I am not ready to do that right now. I DO think I have it through my head that we will never be more than friends. It usually only takes me making an ass out of myself once to understand that what I want and what I’ll get are apparently mutually exclusive. I do like spending time with him. As I don’t have anything else going on right now, why not hang out when we can and enjoy his company? He’s nice to me (yes, fully aware of how lame that sounds). He worries about me. Pretty sure although I get a lot out of the friendship too, that he is the majority shareholder of benefits. Just as he uses me to vent to and get advice, I use him as a distraction and something to do. Why would I want to stay home, when I could go out to dinner and the movies?
I know at the core that he is a hugely confused and conflicted guy. With an amazing heart that has been stomped on by some very undeserving people. I can’t fix that. I can’t fix him. Why is it so wrong to want to keep him as a friend IF I realize that it is just friendship? Sure, I understand the whole mindset behind ‘walk away and make him miss you’. I get it. I just don’t really feel like walking away and missing him though. I DO know the difference between friendship and ‘holding out’. I get it. Will I be this ‘okay’ with things when he starts dating seriously? Probably not. And at that point, I will need to walk away. It’s going to hurt either way. Hurt now or hurt later. I think I’ll go with the later.
No, I’m not dumb enough to not realize (damn that was a lot of double negatives) that what I just wrote is a total contradiction to what I say about realizing we’re just friends. I think there’s a bit of grey area in that though. I think I can have it in my head that we are just friends, that he will never date me but still not want to be around to see him date others. Or at least that’s what I’m convincing myself of right now.
If I can ever find someone who doesn’t want to make me bash my head against the wall repeatedly, I will date. No really, I will. I have no intentions of not dating. I’m not that stupid. Well, I am, but not in this case. 😉 Being friends with TD will not hold me back from doing so. I could be so lucky to find someone else who trumps TD and makes me forget all about him. Until that happens though, can’t I do both?