*I’m getting really good at forgetting about ‘drafts’ that I leave unpublished. I can’t help but think that this one was a subconscious lapse in memory. It was written last Monday, 10/17 and is pretty pertinent to what is going on now. As I’ve had a pretty complete change of heart. For today at least. I haven’t been whining about him (well, not to everyone anyway), but some things are becoming apparent in the way that I think I can fool myself. In the way that I think I am a bit stronger than I really am …….. That’s all on this subject for now, but rest assured, it won’t be the last you hear about him. My apologies in advance*
You know what’s even better than getting out of town? To Vegas, no less? Getting out of my annoying as shit head! Yey me! So I had a mini breakdown yesterday morning. Not so out of the blue, but entirely unexpected. Kinda stemming from the fact that I am apparently the least dateable female in my area. All my fun dating stats that I love to make fun of kinda hit me. Sure, it’s all fun and games until someone ends up growing old and dying alone. Okay fine, I’m not quite that melodramatic, but let’s suffice it to say that it wasn’t a good morning. At all.
What was good about it is that TD can read me like a book. Even via text. He knows my ‘tricks’ and avoidance techniques. He always checks in to see how my night was or morning is. And I kept changing the subject. Sure, not all that difficult to figure out what I’m doing, but the fact that he does and he cares is kinda nice. I don’t ever lie to him (remember, I only do that to myself – regularly), so I told him what was bothering me. He asked if he had anything to do with how I was feeling and I told him, truthfully, that only due to the situation that I put him in, but really no. And he sent me some of the sweetest and most supportive texts ever. Kinda caught me off guard. I’m the one that’s usually trying to cheer him up. I don’t give a shit that he doesn’t want to date me (okay, I do, but I have no control over that). I don’t give a shit that he is dating other people (okay, that’s kind of a big fat lie). I know that he would pretty much do anything for me. He’s said as much. That’s really nice. I’m not giving him up as a friend. He’s a great one. I need to get over my own shit and not worry about trying to figure out everything in advance. It doesn’t matter. He’s nice to me. He looks out for me. He identifies with me. He makes me feel special. No, not in a short bus kinda way either. He thinks that I do all the ‘helping’ in the friendship. He’s wrong.
I told him one of my challenges today was the fact that I get really sad this time of year and don’t like being alone for the holidays. All of my friends know this. He sends me ‘rest assured, you will NOT be alone for the holidays this year’ and that he hopes I don’t mind watching football. That means a lot to me (no, not the football part). Now, while I kinda hope that all of his dates turn out to be social misfits or horribly disfigured, I am sure that they won’t be. And I’m sure he’ll find one or some that he not only wants to date, but wants to have a relationship with. I’ll deal with that when the time comes. He’s a good friend to me and I am a good friend to him. Period.
So, back to this Vegas trip, eh? Sun, pool time, copious amounts of free alcohol, an amazing friend, the best sandwiches on the planet (yeah, i said it – a true foodies is psyched as hell about a yummy sandwich – don’t judge) and getting the hell out of dodge. Very much looking forward to my short time away. Very much looking forward to hanging with my Doppelganger who should be really excited to read this post and hope it means that I won’t ramble on incessantly about ‘what if’ or ‘why not’ or ‘how come’ (but no guarantees). 😉 Very much looking forward to finding my fucking smile that seems to keep going AWOL on me lately.
And yes, my friends, I have been briefly playing on the craptastic dating sites. I have had no less than 15 totally inappropriate guys contact me in the past 3 days. Ranging from 64 years old, to 5’5″ tall, to living in Virginia. When I am ready, I will put some serious effort into finding the best of the worst for me. Until then, I will just keep blocking all the douchebags from contacting me again. Just like I did poor, lovelorn Martin. 🙂