For a change. Everyone warned me about trying to remain friends with TD after my fabulous word vomit about giving dating a try. And him agreeing. And then changing his mind. Yet still sending me mixed signals. In the form of random texts that go something like this ‘Have fun in Vegas my dear friend. Maybe you’ll finally send me that poolside picture that I requested 3 months ago’. Uhm, what? Am I your dear friend or do you want a picture of me in a bikini? The two don’t really go together, do they? Anyway, we’ve still been hanging out. And texting. And going to happy hour. And talking for hours. And I’m a fucking idiot. He’s hell bent on finding a ‘replacement’ for the psycho neighbor and as I’m apparently out of the running, he’s trying to force square peg dates from Match into the round hole wants of his. It’s actually sorta sad. And he keeps telling me about them. And his dates. And how much they have in common. And how great they are. How stupid can the man be to not realize that all I hear when he does this is ‘they’re so much better than you are for the following reasons………’.
I read a post last week about ‘never being the first to leave a party’ so to speak. To not knowing when to let go. Or give up. Or cry uncle. Guess what? I cry uncle. I can’t take it anymore. I was a bit of a fool to think I could handle the thought of him dating others. Of searching for someone to be with forever and knowing it wasn’t ever going to be me. I didn’t want to give up my little dream. I didn’t want to give up the man who looks out for me, and cares for me, and possesses so many qualities that I want and deserve. I didn’t want to give up the man who would most likely drop me in a heartbeat once he starts focusing his attention elsewhere. Exactly like he did before. Despite all the assurances (unprompted, mind you) that I would remain a priority in his life I finally woke up. I can’t keep taking the blows to my ego. I can’t keep trying to protect his feelings at the cost of my own. I can’t keep selling myself short that what I have is ‘good enough’. It’s not. One of my good friends said to me something to the effect of how frustrating and hurtful it must be to see him searching for me everywhere but me. She hit it on the head. Everything he claims he wants and can’t find, I am and have. Only he doesn’t want me. And I need to face facts. He’s an awesome friend to me. Too bad I want to be more than friends. So I did it. I broke off our friendship. Entirely. It’s not fair that he gets to lay all of his emotional baggage on me and be all fresh and new for his ‘better’ dates. He doesn’t get to have it both ways.
I sort of blind sided him with it. And probably timed it as craptastically as possible, but really, I put off doing it for an entire week due to the fact that I knew a specific night coming up was going to be really hard for him and I had promised to make dinner for he and his kids. I didn’t want to let them down. So I endured an additional 7 days of being unhappy and questioning myself just so I wouldn’t let him down. Someone needs to smack me in the head. It occured to me when I was in Vegas that those 2 nights were really the 1st nights in months that I felt confident and pretty and not like I was a ‘runner up’ or consolation prize. Having someone around who cares and promises to spend the holidays with me and is fun to hang out with is not good enough when that’s not all I want from him. Sure, he didn’t ask for any of this, but fuck him for not seeing my worth and making me walk away from everything in a last ditch self preservation attempt. I have no intentions of contacting him or seeing him. Do I feel like a bitch? You bet. Am I worried about him and what I just did to him? Absolutely. Was it worth regaining my self respect and trying to leave the party early before all the lights are turned off and the hosts go to bed? Absolutely.
Too bad I haven’t actually done any of this yet. Let’s just hope the reality of doing this goes just like I wrote. Due to the fact that the ‘specific night’ that I promised to be there with he and his kids is Halloween and that hasn’t actually hit yet, I haven’t followed through with any of my tough talk and we are still ‘friends’. And fuck if we didn’t go to lunch today and have a great time. For 3 hours. Am I losing my resolve to actually do this and give up a great friendship? Yup. Will I do my best to still follow thru? Yup. Another great friend put it best. ‘He is a terrific friend. You want to be more than friends. He doesn’t. End of story’. Ouch, but true…….I guess you’ll have to check back on Tuesday to see if actually did it (’cause i sure as hell don’t want to, but know that I need to. 😦