43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

I Did It, Part 1 ……. The Letter November 1, 2011

Filed under: dating,internet dating,online dating,single — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 11:08 am
Tags: , , , , ,

I have absolutely no time to write a proper post, but didn’t want to leave everyone hanging.  To put it bluntly, last night SUCKED ASS!  I felt like the biggest hypocrite on the planet for making them all dinner while knowing full well what I was going to do later.  Horrible feeling.  The night was full of awkward silences and my trying not to cry.  Nice.  It was the most uncomfortable situation I’ve ever been in.  He kept asking what was wrong and I couldn’t tell him.  Finally around 8pm we went in from handing out candy and I pretty much just shoved the letter at him and ran away.  Yup, I’m mature like that.  All I hear behind me is his asking ‘what’s this?’, which I ignored.  I sat in another room crying while he read it.  Which, btw, seemed to take forefuckingever.  He finally came in to talk to me about everything……………. I will finish up later (I know, I suck, but I gotta get back to work).  I will, however, post my letter for you all to read and shake your heads at and think I’m the biggest loser ever in order to tide you over.  Grab a cocktail and a pillow.  It’s LONG!  Keep in mind, however, that as difficult as this was for me to do last night, I fully realize it needed to be done and I’m glad that I did it.  Many more details to follow ……..

This is one of the toughest things I’ve had to do because I don’t want to, but I know I need to.   You have no idea how much your friendship means to me, but I’m getting too invested.  I am worrying too much about you and not enough about myself and it’s taking it’s toll.

I would give anything to take your hurt away and make you happy, but I can’t and you won’t let me.  I didn’t begin our friendship with anything else in mind.  I knew you needed a friend and I wanted to help.  I had no intention of being anything other than that but somewhere along the line that changed and I don’t know how to switch it back.  While there is still a lot that you don’t know about me (as we’re not dating and are only friends, there are many things that you aren’t privy to), you know more than just about anyone.  I trust you and know that you would never do anything to intentionally hurt me.  I would hope you know the same about me.  Although presented in the most ridiculously embarrassing and frantic manner imaginable, I thought potentially risking our friendship to see if anything else was there was something worth taking a chance on and you didn’t.  You didn’t even think about it.  Being fully aware of all the things that could go right or wrong, the fact that you could discount me so quickly is what I can’t get past.  It makes me wonder what it is about me that makes the thought so unappealing and it plays into all of my insecurities.   I’ve dated enough to know when I’ve met someone who is worth taking a chance on.   I’ve never been in this situation before, so I have no clue what I expected and wasn’t prepared for this outcome.  I realize that I can’t make someone be interested in me that isn’t and I’d never want to try, but I keep trying to convince myself that everything is okay when it isn’t.  I keep hoping that I’ll be able to deal with it better, but that’s not working.  I was doing okay with all of this until you started dating and apparently that’s my breaking point.  I honestly don’t think you are ready to date anyone right now, but you feel otherwise and although I am doing my best to be supportive, I’m not doing a very good job.  I listen to you try to fit these square peg women into the round holes of what you want and deserve, and all you’re doing is telling me why you think these other women are better than I am.  And they’re not.   You try to justify how they ‘fit’ when they don’t.  You have got to know that it hurts my feelings when you do this.  You told me you kissed that whore (haha, i didn’t really write that, just making sure you all hadn’t dozed off yet) L the other day and I sort of wanted to cry; I watched you check your phone no less than a dozen times for messages on Saturday and that wasn’t any better.  The best was getting to hear about your date at her place and how much you like her.  Not sure what sort of response you expected from me on that, or why you insist on keeping me informed on your love life, but I’m sure I failed.  You talk in grand terms of never being able to find certain qualities (that I actually possess) in anyone when I’m standing right in front of you and it’s really hurtful.  I’m guessing that although I probably am the person you’re looking for, I’m just in the wrong packaging and that’s hard for me.  I really thought I could handle it, but I can’t and I’m taking it personally and internalizing way more than I should.  I know I’ve got a lot to offer someone, but my self confidence can’t keep taking these hits from you, as unintentional as they may be. 

I love being with you and being your friend.  I really do.  I’ve not once misinterpreted the time we’ve spent together.  You know I think you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met and that there isn’t anything in the world I wouldn’t do for you.   I love that you’ve trusted me enough to meet your kids and have invited me into your family.  You’ll probably never really understand how much that’s meant to me.  The problem is that that’s where I’d like to be and the more time I spend with all of you, the more attached I get.  I’ve always assumed you’d be a part of my life for a very long time to come but I’m just not sure that’s possible right now.  I can’t be around while you look for someone else; someone who you think is better than me.  It’s too hard on me and I’m just not strong enough.   The time we spend together is awesome.  Easy and fun and I don’t want to share that.  That’s not fair to you or to me.  I don’t want to be anyone’s ‘filler’ or fall-back and I don’t deserve to be.  I wish things were different and that I were a better person and able to handle all of this better, but I’m not.  I can’t believe that I’m having to do this and I really don’t want to, but as much as I want you to be happy, I deserve to be happy too and I can’t keep questioning myself on why I’m good enough to be a friend, but not even considered as anything more.  I can’t sit by and watch you potentially fall for someone else that isn’t right for you.  It’s starting to crush my spirit and turn me into someone that I’m not real fond of.  I’ve tried really hard not to let it show and I’m literally making myself sick over all of this.  Yup, I finally figured out why I’ve been feeling so horrid and not sleeping.  While I would never in a million years do anything to hurt you, I know that’s pretty much what I’m doing.  I’ve put off doing this for a while now because I was so afraid of hurting you when you needed me, but all I’m doing is hurting myself and that makes no sense.  I just don’t know what else to do, so I’m choosing the self preservation route.  I wish I knew of another way, but I don’t.  I know you didn’t ask for any of this.  I’m so very sorry. 

You have no idea how much I’m going to miss you.   Please let the kids know how great I think they are and that I’m going to miss spending time with them.  They are terrific kids.  They make me laugh and are on the road to being amazing adults.  Just like their dad.


11 Responses to “I Did It, Part 1 ……. The Letter”

  1. ifUseekAmy Says:

    Wow, you might actually rival me in being so verbose in your letters.

    I know that was a really hard thing to do, but really believe that you did the right thing for you and your peace of mind.

    Huge huge hugs. xoxoxo

  2. TikkTok Says:

    Do you feel better now that it’s over with and you don’t have to dread giving it to him?

    Ehhhh……….wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I don’t know that there is anything. I’m sending you a {{{{hug}}} though. Self preservation, while necessary, can really bite sometimes. xoxoxoxoxo

  3. Oh my friend, you have so much courage. Good for you for standing up for yourself, you should be very proud, you are an amazing woman, and you are 100% right, you deserve someone that sees that, and loves you the way you need to be loved. I feel all of that, I hear ya girl. Being single sucks, but being taken for granted or not loved the way we deserve to be loved is way worse, stick to your guns girlfriend, you are so not alone xoxo

  4. stevesw Says:

    Not sure what to say. I agree with you, and the letter expressed so much truth. I hope he realizes, appreciates your willingness to be so truthful, open…from the soul with him; a brave act on your part.

  5. […] WTF?  I have declared no less than 3 times already that I am done with him.  The 1st time being back in October followed by the awesome New Year’s Eve Debacle, the great Valentine’s Week fiasco and […]

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