Strange not posting umpteen times a day on here. The funeral I went to last Friday was a big ole’ kick in the pants to pull my head out of my ass, stop feeling sorry for myself, realize all that I have to be thankful for and that I’m the only one who’s job it is to make ME happy. I’ve decided to (try to) make some changes. Changes that will not change who I am at heart, but that will enable me to find the happy person that I was much too long ago. I will still be the friend that I have always been, however I will NOT take on everyone elses problems. I am so busy running around trying to fix everyone else or make them happy, that I sort of forget about me. That’s no good. I am going to try (once again) to not sweat the small stuff or the things that I have absolutely no control over. HA! Sounds so easy. We’ll see how long that lasts. 😉
I’m tired of all my ‘woe is me’ crap. I don’t live in a cardboard box, I have great friends, I have awesome dogs, I have a nice house, I have a job x 2. Things aren’t that bad. So my love life sucks. I should really be used to that by now, right? I know that when the time is right that I will find the one for me. I also know that I already have found the one that is right for me, and I am the right one for him, however my timing sucks (as usual) and it’s just not meant to be. I still haven’t made any decisions on whether I can be ‘friends’ with TD or not. It’s funny (not really), that absolutely everyone in the universe has cautioned me against doing so and advised me to cut all ties with him EXCEPT for the one friend who has not only known me longest (since college), knows me better than anyone in the world, but has actually met TD in person. She knows the circumstances and all that happened. She knows that he kinda broke my heart the day before the funeral. She also knows that he showed up at the funeral to be with me because he knew how difficult the day was going to be for me (he held my hand through the entire service). They didn’t speak long, he only stayed for the service, but she saw what a nice guy he is. Which he is. Just a little (a lot) screwed up right now. Despite knowing all the shit that he (inadvertently or not) put me through, she still thought he was a good guy. The thing that makes this all so difficult for me is that he IS. Damn him. 😉
So here’s the thing. Although I am uber sad about TD and really wish he would have had his epiphany before he convinced me of our bright and happy future together, I am not doing my usual overthinking of every little thing said. Or done. Or whatever. I didn’t do anything wrong aside from hope that things would work out. And they didn’t. At least I took a chance, right? Right?
Anyway, I’m still not up to blogging, but am actually happier these days than I’ve been in a long time. I’m just kinda content with things. It’s been too long since I’ve had a drama free day. Or days. Kind of a good feeling. There are many factors that come into play in my happiness this week and they’re all kinda jumbled and have little relation to one another, but here they are:
1) Although under the most horrible of circumstances, I did get to see some people/friends that I haven’t seen in years (like 10) last week
2) I got to spend time with Stacey, you remember, my bff who likes to blow me off for 6 months at a time? Yeah, I’m over that. We’re great friends when we’re together. Perpetually stuck in college with only fond memories. I love her dearly and know that in her own way, she loves me too. It was nice spending time with her. I know if I ever truly needed anything, she would be there for me. She’s just busy is all ……
3) Life is too fucking short to not take chances on what you want. No one is going to hand you anything on a silver platter (unless you’re that bitch Paris Hilton), so good things take work
4) I am faced with an interesting dilemma where I seem to hold all the cards. In a shitty way, it’s a nice spot to be in. I have a man who would do anything in the world for me (aside from date me, apparently) practically begging to be my friend. He has great kids that I love being around and he includes me in all that they do. Tough to give that up, but as I said, I’m still undecided.
5) Jobs #1 & #2 are going okay. I’m lucky to have them, so need to stop being such a douche.
6) I am talking to my twin again (for now). However brief, a truce seems to have been called.
7) I am doing a self induced detox program. Strict diet, no alcohol (damn, i just got the chills typing that) for a month. I’m tired of whining about that last 15 lbs that I need to lose, so I’m doing it. With the target date of NYE! Which I will most likely spend home. Alone. With the dogs.
8.) I know that I’m a good person and one day (hopefully sooner than later) I will find the man that appreciates all that I bring to the table. Fuck the rest. 😉
9) I have the next 3 days off that I can dedicate to getting my actual shit in order. Organizing the garage. Cleaning out closets. Cleaning the house. Giving my stinky dogs baths. Everything that I have had absolutely no time to do in the last few months. Sound boring? No way! It feels like I’m finally able to breath.
10) I didn’t actually cancel my cringeworthy membership to Match, but just hid my profile so that when I’m ready to jump back into the cesspool of online dating, I’m good to go 🙂 Ooopsie, I did delete my OkStupid one though. Oh well, just as well. Getting tired of having Irish Guy stalk me.
Anyway, I promise to be back soon. I promise to be entertaining and snarky and sarcastic and witty and everything that I haven’t been for much too long. Until then, Happy Thanksgiving everyone and count your blessings. You never know when they’re going to be taken away from you, so appreciate all that you have while you have it 🙂
Crap, I sound like a that idiot Tony Robbins ………… 😦