43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Eggplant November 25, 2011

Frist of all, my deepest apologies to anyone that has landed here looking for delicious recipes for this odd little vegetable.  That isn’t what this is about.  I suggest you run away quickly because although I can cook the crap out of eggplant and love the stuff, it takes on whole new meaning in my world.

We all know my penchant for calling things something other than they actually are.  Why on earth would I call it sex when calling it a bike ride is sooooo much more entertaining for me?  Why call the guys on line single when I can call them douchebags or tools?  Why call the entire internet dating realm internet dating when I can refer to it as a cesspool?  I am fully aware that the average Joe who speaks to me or reads my drivel and is unaware of my little nicknames for everything will and does have a hard time trying to figure out what the hell I’m talking about, but as it’s my life and I think it’s funny, you had better start keeping a little cheat sheet ’cause I’m not stopping.

So, back to this quirky little vegetable and why the hell anyone would care about it.  Last week, at the funeral, my best friend and I decided that we needed a codeword to say, just randomly, that wouldn’t alert the presses to when we were in an uncomfortable situation and needed either help or an escape route.  We thought about ‘coat check’, ‘uncle’ and several other words that didn’t seem to fit.  That’s how we landed on ‘eggplant’.  Who would notice that in the middle of a discussion about world peace that one of us yelling, rather frantically, ‘eggplant’ was a sign of distress?  I know, we’re smart cookies the two of us together. 😉  So the code word eggplant was born.  And in addition to being used many times over those two days, has been declared many more times since then via text, phone call and screaming it at the top of our lungs …….. in our heads of course.  She called it when her ex boyfriend from 10 years ago declared his undying love to her and asked her to leave her husband and family and run away with him.  Uhm yeah, that didn’t happen.  She declared it when her father yelled out something totally inappropriate in a fancy schmancy restaurant.  I however have only declared it once since.  Okay, to be more accurate, I declared it many times over the course of the day, but only on one occasion since it’s inception.

That day would be Thanksgiving.  The day that family traditions are called into play.  The day that friends, relatives and neighbors get together to celebrate all that is good in their lives.  And to eat.  A lot.  As I don’t really get along with my family and aside from my one neighbor who checks up on me to make sure that I’m not lying dead at the bottom of my stairs every now again, I live in a very anti-social neighborhood.  I mean really?  Do I need to be friends with the pedophile next door or the guy that I am certain runs a meth lab in his home due to the black garbage bags that he has covering the insides of ALL of his windows?  No, I didn’t think so.

I had three options yesterday.  My twin, who has apparently called a truce on bitchfest 2011 invited me over.  I could have stayed home with my awesome doggies (yes, well aware of what a fucking loser that just made me sound like).  Then the most interesting option of all; I was invited to TD’s to spend the day with he and his kids.  Yup, as I know you’re already rolling your eyes and screaming at the computer right now, you know I chose option #3.  Why on earth select a mellow, low key, no stress, solitary option when I could just launch myself into a really uncomfortable situation?  I’m good like that.

So I went.  At 9am.  And after considering leaving several times throughout the day, finally departed at 12:15am.  Sent on my way with a platonic hug from the man who is perfect for me and who obviously can deal with the whole friend to dating back to friend thing a little better than I.  Actually, aside from a couple of awkward moments when I wanted to scream EGGPLANT from the rooftops, it wasn’t so bad.  And I did fairly well.  I didn’t mope.  I didn’t pine away.  I didn’t wonder ‘what if’.  The whole situation just sort of made me sad.  Of course, as we were sitting around the dinner table declaring what we were thankful for this year, TD has to say (totally sincerely….no, really) ‘I am thankful for meeting this amazing woman sitting next to me as I don’t know what I would have done without her’.  Of course, being the awesome individual that I am, instead of just being flattered and saying ‘thank you’, I have to pop off with ‘damn, it must have been a crappy year if I’m the best you’ve got’.  Yup, I’m a peach.

Actually, more like an eggplant………


9 Responses to “Eggplant”

  1. Well you again are a more understanding woman than I am…I totally would have gone for the sister drama, make the bastard miss you girlfriend…when you are unavailable, like really unavailable…they chase you like crazy. Trust me on this one, you have to try it…it’s so much fun 🙂

    • I know RNP 😦 I just can’t do it over the holidays. He has such a hard time with them and I just couldn’t see making it any worse. I’m weirdly selfless when it comes to shit like that. I know I should stay away, but …….

      Anyway, I don’t think he’d chase. He’d know if I was staying away that it was for my own good and he wouldn’t do anything to not support that. He’s already told me that if I needed to not communicate with him, he’d respect that and as hard as it would be for him, he’d leave me alone ……

      Basically, I’m just a weenie ……. and hell no on going to my sisters’! I’d rather shove a rusty fork in my eye.

  2. Julie Says:

    Glad to hear you’re moving on–oh, wait a minute–you’re only kinda moving on. Hmmm. The holidays are a really tough time of the year for single women and men. Unfortunately we’re smack dab in the middle of that time, now aren’t we?

    TD sounds amazing, I know you really care about him (I think I caught on before you did, now didn’t I?), and closing a chapter like that is nearly impossible to do with all of these crappy festivities going on.

    I don’t know if you want a suggestion from me–I’m about as good at this shit as you are–but if you’re willing . . . . enjoy him, others, and be kind to yourself because you’ve been through a lot lately and now is not the time to demand too much from yourself. The time will come when you’re ready to move on, and you will know it when you’re there. Doing it prematurely will only torture yourself.

    You’re welcome in Denver any time.

    • Yup Julie, I’m all about half assing it. 😉 And you’re right about the holidays. I don’t want him to be alone, but really, I don’t want to be either. I am keeping my distance (physically and emotionally – i think). I will move on. When I’m ready; but you’re right in that I’m not quite there yet. But I will be……… right around January 1 🙂

  3. Pammy Girl Says:

    THAT’S how you responded? CLASSIC. Totally something I would have said. Please tell me his mother wasn’t at dinner, too. Please.

    • OF COURSE that’s what I said! Heaven forbid I’m able to take a compliment with maturity and grace when I’m able to be all awkward and self deprecating instead Pammy! 🙂 No, his mom wasn’t there. Just he and his kids.

  4. […] going to be!  I really am a bitch sometimes.  It would only be better if I were actually serving eggplant………. Share this:FacebookEmailTwitterRedditLike this:LikeBe the first to like this […]

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