43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Took Me Long Enough December 17, 2011

So we all know that I decided to put my profile back up on Match.  Yey.  Not.  I’m sure you all figured out by now that although I had made the decision, I hadn’t actually done it yet as I wanted to tell TD I was doing it beforehand.  And we all know how I love procrastinating when it comes to doing something that I don’t really want to do.

Not sure what it was about yesterday, but I decided that I would tell him.  Maybe it was the fact that I finally gave in and accepted his friend request on the dreaded FB.  Maybe it was the fact that he got all weird when he read the comments from my smart assed friends (duh, why wouldn’t my friends be smart asses?) under the picture I posted of the both of us?  What?  I actually took out a comment or two of my own before accepting his friend request.  (oh, and a personal aside to Click ……… er, he wants to know who ‘that guy from New York is that I/we were draped all over’.  Whoopsie).

Regardless, I decided that last night was the night.  He got back in town early afternoon and wanted to see if I had plans for the night.  As my new favorite hobby is to buy Groupons for yummy restaurants around town and then wait until the last minute to use them, I had one to an awesome steakhouse.  An awesome steakhouse where the average age of their clientelle is roughly 102, but that has nothing to do with the story.  So we decide to go there.

And I also planned my ‘fall’ off the wagon last night as well.  Hell, I was soooo good for 27 days.  Didn’t eat off plan, didn’t have one drop of alcohol and managed to drop 20 lbs.  Well worth it, I think, but again, I’m wandering off topic.  So he picks me up at my house, my dogs maul the poor man like they do every time and we head out.  Have a drink at the bar before being seated at a booth/table (you know, where 2 seats are the booth side and 2 seats are chairs opposite) where he opts to sit next to me instead of across from me.  Eh, it was probably a comfort thing.

Our waiter comes over and damn if he wasn’t the funniest flaming homosexual EVER.  If I was gay, and a man, I’d do him in a heartbeat.  Or just take him shoe shopping with me.  Whatever.  He was just funny!  Of course, as is par for the course every time TD and I are out together, one of the first few questions we are asked is how long we’ve been dating.  Our waiter, Hershey (yeah, I know, too easy), says ‘so, 1st date, 2nd date, FWBs, what’s the deal with you two?’  To which we both kinda laugh and I bust out with ‘you tell me’.

So we order, we’re having a great time (as always) and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to break the news to him (TD, not Hershey) so as my usual MO is to just make any awkward situation even more so, I say, in the middle of a conversation about absolutely nothing ‘I know we talked about this the night that T (the big mouthed teenage girl who wanted to know ‘the deal’ with us) blurted out her stellar question, but I’m going to put my profile back up on Match’.  And then immediately look at my lap afraid of what reaction I might get.  I knew he wouldn’t be mad, I just didn’t want to hear some big sigh of relief and a ginormous smile on his part.  Which I didn’t get.  What I did get was absolute silence and the horrible realization that  he was tearing up. 😦 I truly do suck for my stellar sense of timing.  We talked about it for a bit;  I explained why I needed to do this.  That although I really didn’t want to and would in essence just be looking for a replacement for him, that I just couldn’t take the chance that when he was finally able to figure things out, that he wouldn’t choose me.  And he understood.  And knew it was coming.  And although he absolutely wants me to be happy, he is afraid that I will find someone else (as he should be).  He was very careful with his words as even he realizes how often he sticks his foot in his mouth and says ‘I just always assumed that you would be an option when I got things figured out’.  Uhm, stellar way to not stick your foot in your mouth dummy.  I respond with ‘that’s the thing TD, I don’t want to be someone’s ‘option’, I want to be their choice’.  To which he felt horrible as he didn’t mean it the way he said it.  He doesn’t want to date others and have me in the mix, he does want to date me and see where things go, but he’s not ready to date anyone yet, and knows he can’t ask me to wait (which we all know he could…….and I would, but whatever).  So after about 5 more minutes of really awkward silences, Hershey comes up to save the day with ‘So, what are you two up to after dinner?’. To which I, bitch extraordinaire, say ‘we’re going to go put my profile back up on Match because he won’t put out‘.  Any wonder I’m still single?  Poor TD turns beet red and wants to slide under the table while Hershey and I go off on some tangent about stupid men and their inability to make good decisions.

Thank goodness for our gay floor show for bringing our table back to life.  After that, things were good again.  I’ll still hang out with TD and his family.  He’ll still be my NYE date (unless I get a better offer – his words, not mine, btw) and we went on to have a great night.  Awesome food, yummy cocktails, trip to a dive karaoke bar afterwards, back to my house (no, no funny business, dammit) and plans to spend all day together today.

So I’ve done it.  I’ve told him.  Now I just have to actually do it.  And muster up some enthusiasm.  For all of TD’s faults and shortcomings (for which his awesome qualities far outweigh), he does want me to be happy.  He does want me to try to find someone to make me happy.  He also knows that he’s the one to be able to do that, but if he waits too long; well then………..


2 Responses to “Took Me Long Enough”

  1. lifeandothermisadventures Says:

    Good for you for finally breaking it to him. You know, the thing is, he needs to realize that he can’t just have you as his backup plan.

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