No, not the one in the sky. I realize that would be singular. I blame the basketball team. More accurately, I blame my awesome friend for having floor seats 2 nights ago and inviting me along. You all realize that floor seats translate to ‘free drinks’, right? Especially when you and your friend are standing at 6’1″ and 6’3″ respectively. And a short man thinks he can get lucky by ‘buying’ us double Grey Goose and cranberries (when we’ve already partaken of the free beer and wine). Sadly (for him) he didn’t get lucky. But we did. In the form of a fabulous buzz in public. Too bad the Suns couldn’t hit a shot if their lives depended on it and that TD opted to run an alternate New Year’s Eve plan by me via text during the game.
We had plans to actually go out. I haven’t been out on NYE in years as I consider it amateur night, but thought that this year it would be hella (aren’t I hip) fun to go get drunk in public. And see what happens. I was already planning to spend the night at TD’d as there is no way in hell I am going to drive on NYE. That’s just crazy talk. We were going to go to a fun area by his house to revel with tons of other drunkards and I could wonder all night if he’d actually kiss me at midnight. And if it would be a lame assed peck or a real one. I was really looking forward to it. Not sure why as I don’t really like crowds. Or the potential for some idiot throwing up on me. I do like kissing though and figured he’d be more likely to go along with the crowd if we were actually in one. See? I’m a thinker. 😉
Anyway, he knows I don’t do all that well around people I don’t know. He saw that I hid in my ‘safe zone’ of the kitchen during most of Christmas with his family. I guess he has a hard time believing that I get shy in small groups as I am pretty fearless about talking to strangers. Whatever. So he texts me with ‘my friend Richard (who I’ve never met), his kids (who I’ve never met), my other friend Mike (who I’ve never met), his kids (who I’ve never met) want to know if they could all come to the house on NYE for a party; what do you think?’ Here’s what I think. What the fuck?!? I was pissed! Oh, and TD does not have his kids this year, but was going to ask the ex if he could have them that night. Uhm…….. yeah. So basically TD just asked me how I felt about giving up our plans of fun and revelry and lots of cocktails for a situation that I would be totally uncomfortable in, not be able to drink and certainly wouldn’t be spending the night at his house (regardless of where I slept, that’s just not appropriate with his kids there). So I told him I thought his plan sucked. In nicer terms, but same gist. Of course, as I’d been drinking, I immediately interpret his question as a declaration that he doesn’t want to spend NYE alone with me and would rather be at home with friends. Whatever.
As this was all going on via text during the craptastic Suns Game, I managed to get my nose totally out of joint and by the time I was headed home and I figured I’d just call him. And there, my friends, is where the 1st fight between me and my faux non-bf started. And somehow morphed into a ‘where is this going’ kinda conversation. Lovely. He’s fucked up. I’m fucked up. He had no clue I was actually dating again. I told him I was but that it seemed like I was just wasting mine and their time with it. I also threw in the bitchtastic comment that some of my smartest friends think I’m an ass for hanging around. I knew full well that he would suggest if it was in my best interest, that he would back off. I asked ‘do you really see us as just friends ’cause we seem to have some boundary issues’. He wouldn’t answer until I did. Of course I don’t view us as just friends. Duh. He doesn’t either. However, he refuses to call what we have anything other than a friendship. Ugh. I tried to explain that no one (except for him) is buying the ‘friends’ thing with us and it puts me in a very uncomfortable situation to be delegated to the ‘grey area’ friend place around others. He goes out of his way to explain that he’s not ready for a relationship and that we’re just friends. To me and to others. I told him he needs to stop doing that as it makes me look and feel like an ass. He honestly had no clue.
We went round and round for way too long and ended up back where we started. Awesome! Not. 😦 He said he worries about me not looking out for me first and I told him that’s not his job to worry about me. He said I need to listen to my friends as they only want what’s best for me. I told him that although they are, they aren’t me and I know what’s best for me. Kinda. I just can’t see myself without him right now. There will come a time, either when I meet someone else who can hold a candle to TD or when I finally get tired of being in limbo when I will. And at that time, I will make the tough decision. For now though, as ridiculous as it sounds, I think I’m okay. Kinda ……….
And don’t worry, a full reca of last night’s dinner is in the works 😉