Or would that be ‘what a difference a year makes’ since it happened after midnight on New Year’s Eve? Eh, potato, potahto. I was planning on sharing about my evening with TD on Thursday when he slept over in this post. Nope, no bike ride. Really not even anything all that inappropriate as he had shorts on (that stayed on, thank you very much) and I was properly covered as well (no, not the dreaded lime green panties either). To be clear though, nothing that transpired was inappropriate unless it’s between 2 people when one of them truly believes the other is ‘just a friend’. And the other doesn’t. Kinda moot, as I won’t be making that post today anyway. I’m going to skip ahead and share my NYE with everyone. Yey you.
When I got to TD’s house I could immediately tell something was ‘off’. It’s a weird ability of mine to be able to read people when they think I can’t. Anyway, I had texted Click those very concerns as soon as I got there. Couldn’t figure out what it was though, so put the thought to the back of my mind. We went out and had a great time. It’s when we got back to his house that the real fun (translation: not much fun) started.
We watched the ball drop in Times Square. I almost missed the countdown as my watch was slow, but made it back into the family room in time. We watched everyone scream happy new year while in my head I screamed ‘you better kiss me as I want to test out that theory that if you get a kiss on NYE your love life won’t suck wind all year’. Luckily he gave me a kiss. Not the kiss I was hoping for, but whatever. It just remains to be seen if that theory holds water.
We started to watch a movie and then went to bed. I had on sexy plaid pjs. By sexy, I mean, not so sexy. He laid on the far side of the bed and I rolled over to face the other way. As I can never leave well enough alone, I asked him one simple question. ‘What’s wrong’? There had been no hand holding, no arm rubbing, no playing with my hair. Pretty much no signs of affection from him whatsoever the entire night. No bueno. He said he was uncomfortable with how far things had gone on Thursday night. I didn’t really see it that way as although what did happen wouldn’t be all that appropriate between ‘friends’, as that’s not really what we are, there was absolutely nothing that transpired that was out of the ordinary. If by ordinary I mean totally fucked up friendship with definite boundary issues.
Anyway, that whole conversation somehow grew into one about everything. About how he can’t commit to me. I never asked him to. About how he’s not ready. I know that. About how he doesn’t think it’s fair to ‘string me along’. Uhm, huh? As we had just had a conversation similar to this one a few weeks prior, I was well aware that although he wasn’t ready to date (me or anyone), that when the time was right, that I would finally get my chance. Apparently he doesn’t recall that. And no longer feels that way.
Although he isn’t ready for any sort of physical relationship (I finally got him to admit that we actually do have a relationship, just not a physical one), that when he is, he needs to date around more. He needs to make sure that he’s not ‘rushing into’ anything or choosing me because it’s ‘easy’. Okay, I may be the most forgiving/naïve/retarded person ever, but if the man that I’m kinda sorta in love with tells me that he still needs to comparison shop after knowing me for almost 6 months before even thinking about giving us a chance, it’s time for me to go. Figuratively and literally.
An awesome (translation: horrible/humbling/spirit crushing) conversation followed for the next 3 hours. All about his concerns. All about his concerns about me. All about his insecurities. All about how he doesn’t want to make a mistake. All about how he doesn’t want to hurt me. All about how I deserve better. All about how he still needs to work on his independence. Uh, what? How can the man think he’s working on that when we’re always together. I know. It’s because he’s using me as his crutch. And it took me this long to finally admit it to myself.
I knew this day would come sooner or later. I had just really hoped it would be later. Much later. As in the ‘never’ variety. I may be a lot of things, but I am not someone’s crutch to be used until they get back on their feet and then decide to test the waters with others. I can’t believe he still feels this way. I can’t believe that he truly thinks that since things between us are so great and easy, that it can’t be right. That it’s too easy. That things need to be harder than they really need to be. That he thinks there is someone out there better for he and his kids than I am. I can’t do it again. And I won’t. And although I once told him that I would wait for him as I truly feel that he’s worth it, I can’t take that chance. And I told him that. And then I came home. Crushed and heartbroken. And minus one very amazing (regardless of what some you all, and he, thinks)’friend’.
I will now proceed to celebrate new year’s day not with the man that is capable of making me so very happy and laughing and watching football and snuggling in front of the fire and waiting for his kids to come over and laughing some more and having fun and knowing how grateful I am to have them all in my life. Nope, instead I will be eating the entire contents of my refrigerator. And freezer. And well stocked pantry. Happy 2012. 😦