Hi All. Nope, nowhere near ready to start blogging again. I can barely get thru the day without breaking into spontaneous bouts of crying. This past week has been quite the eye opener. Yet another good man gone before his time. Gone totally unexpectedly. My sister had kissed her husband goodbye as he left for work at 6am. She sat down with the kids for breakfast at 7am and called him, on his cel phone, as they did every morning from breakfast to see how his ride to work was and how his morning was going. They went to voicemail. He was already gone. Killed by some shit in an SUV. I can only hope he had no idea what was happening (my brother in law, that is, not the other guy). He was a very good man. He loved my sister very much. It took her 41 years for her to find him, so the fact that they had less than 5 years together just isn’t fair by any stretch of the imagination.
You just never know when the last time you see someone is going to be the last time. Life, and death, doesn’t follow some spreadsheeted chart or follow strict schedules. While I do believe that everything happens for a reason I also believe that sometimes that reason is a little harder to figure out. I’m still trying to figure this one out. I’ve taken my brother in law’s death really hard. Harder than I thought I would. I honestly didn’t spend a ton of time getting to know him. For that, I will be forever regretful. All I knew was that he loved my sister and that was good enough for me. Life, schedules, priorities, laziness, whatever gets in the way sometimes. They lived an hour away from me across town. Hated that drive. Didn’t make it very much. I’ve probably made that drive more times in the past 8 days than I have in the previous 3 years. 😦
She met him on the internet ya’ know. On match. He sent her a lame wink. She responded. They met. They went out 3 times and then the rest was history. They spent almost every single day together from then on. My sister didn’t have great luck with guys or dating up until she met him. She met him and she knew. Sure, there were things that didn’t mesh and went against what she was used to, but she saw past all of that and had faith that this was the man for her. I admire that. I need to learn from that. I do not have a list of qualities or attributes set in stone that I want in a man. Sure, I have preferences and some non negotiables (must not talk with mouth full or kick puppies), but I have always believed that I’d know when I met the right guy. He may not fit all the criteria or what I had in my head I wanted, but I did and still do believe that I’d just know. I’m not one to try to shove square pegs into round holes in order to make them fit. I see people for who they are. I see me for who I am. Sometimes bitchy and impatient, often snarky and sarcastic, but always with the best intentions and a great big heart (that I try to hide from plain sight).
I don’t care what other people think of my choices in life. I do what I feel is right for me. Be it in careers, guys, lifestyle, whatever. As long as I’m not hurting anyone else, then all is good. I don’t want to go through life looking for the bad in people. Always thinking there is something or someone better. Searching for imperfections so I can have an excuse to cut and run. I’m not perfect. No one is. Everyone makes mistakes. Not everyone knows how to express what they’re feeling without sounding like a total asshole. Some people don’t have a ‘filter’ (like my mother who told me I looked like shit without makeup (which I don’t wear all that much of anyway) the day of the accident and that’s why she didn’t recognize me). I don’t want to be the person that looks for and points out the bad. I don’t want to be the person that is willing to forgo something really good in the hopes of finding something better. I want to be able to take that leap of faith that allows me to believe that everything will work out fine. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. I’m just not willing to waste my life waiting for ‘what if’………..
Appreciate what you have now. Always strive to improve yourself. Know that you’ll never be able to change anyone else. Work on making yourself happy. Realize that just because things aren’t going exactly how you have them scripted out in your head, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong. Stand your ground when necessary. Adjust when needed. Enjoy what you have, when you have it, for however long is possible ………..
(don’t you worry, I’ll be back …….. with snarky stupid thoughts and stories about god knows what ………. not right now …….. maybe not anytime soon ………. but wait for me. I’m just trying to find my bearings again……)