So those of you left that haven’t cursed my name and continue to torture yourselves reading my ‘woe is me’ ramblings will find it not all that surprising that I’ve been a bit of a nutcase this week regarding TD. I’ve run the gamut from sad to mad to pathetic to pissed and it all gets rolled into one weepy annoying mess. Nice. Yesterday I was actually kinda mad at TD. Mad at him for playing with me (literally and figuratively). Mad at him for knowing how I felt about him and still continuing to lead me on. Mad at him for claiming that he was following my lead when all along, I thought that I was following his. What is it about me that makes me be so delusional about what’s going on? How could I not pay attention to what he was verbally telling me? Oh, that’s right, because while he was telling me we were just friends and that he was going to date some more, he was acting otherwise. A very wise friend of mine hit the nail on the head that we are each others security blankets. And that while pathetic on my part, it’s okay for him to be my security blanket, but not so okay for him to keep me around as his while having every intention of replacing me with a newer style. I could be perfectly happy with my irregular, beat up blankie. He wants a new one.
So anyway, yesterday i was mad. Which meant at least I wasn’t blubbering all over the place and was almost functional. Yey me. Wasn’t a blubbering idiot that is, until he texted me last night in order to tell me that he missed me. Is he allowed to do that? Can he be equally as delusional in that he thinks I’d be okay with hanging around while he looks for a replacement? Well, as that’s exactly what I’ve done for the past 4 months, I guess so. I’m not sure why it sent me into such a funk though. A shitty one that continues on today. Awesome.
Wanna know what makes all this even better? And by better, I mean a big ole’ slap in the face? I had lunch with Finger Foods today. You remember, my none too common sense gifted friend that stayed with me for a while? The one who would leave my front door hanging wide open for my dogs to run out? The one who would invite me to dinner/lunch/breakfast/the movies/whatever at least 5 times a week? The one that I originally met on Match and we became friends? The one that I figured would be on there long after I had coupled up? Yeah, he’s got a girlfriend. Not that I would ever be interested in him but really? Can everyone find someone on there except me?
Okay, so back to my neurotic spastic self. We texted last night and that totally screwed me and my resolve up. Totally. I texted him this morning asking him to tell me something nice as I was having a crappy morning (thanks to him). Yes people, I am THAT lame. He texted back that I am the nicest most generous person he has ever met. Uhm, is that anything like telling the husky unattractive girl that she has a good personality? He apologized for texting last night and acknowledged that he shouldn’t have. Anyway, as I had the brilliant (and by brilliant, I mean not so brilliant) idea to try to talk him into liking me for the bazillionth time, I asked him to stop by tonight. YES! I suck more than I could have ever imagined. I’m apparently going for some needy moron award of some sort. Then I changed my mind. I told him not to come over and proceeded to write a crappy e-mail to him which I never sent. Then I let my guilty conscience get to me and ……..wait for it ………. called him to apologize! Fuck me! Which resulted in a very awkward and stilted phone conversation about absolutely nothing. Nothing but an invitation to go boating with he and the kids on Sunday. Oh, and telling me that he LOVES having me in his life. Yey me! Maybe me and his new whorish blankie (once he finds one that is pretty enough) can be bestest buddies!
Look, when Finger Foods, who has met TD and thinks he’s an awesome guy, tells me to drop his ass as he’s just using me (he didn’t actually use the term security blanket though), it’s time for me to wake up. Thing is, I KNOW what is going on. I KNOW it won’t go anywhere. I KNOW what I need to do. NO contact. NONE. It’s a matter of actually sticking to it that seems to be presenting a challenge.
Any bets on if I go boating or not? 😦