43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

What The F*Ck Am I Doing? February 24, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:34 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

So those of you left that haven’t cursed my name and continue to torture yourselves reading my ‘woe is me’ ramblings will find it not all that surprising that I’ve been a bit of a nutcase this week regarding TD.  I’ve run the gamut from sad to mad to pathetic to pissed and it all gets rolled into one weepy annoying mess.  Nice.  Yesterday I was actually kinda mad at TD.  Mad at him for playing with me (literally and figuratively).  Mad at him for knowing how I felt about him and still continuing to lead me on.  Mad at him for claiming that he was following my lead when all along, I thought that I was following his.  What is it about me that makes me be so delusional about what’s going on?  How could I not pay attention to what he was verbally telling me?  Oh, that’s right, because while he was telling me we were just friends and that he was going to date some more, he was acting otherwise.  A very wise friend of mine hit the nail on the head that we are each others security blankets.  And that while pathetic on my part, it’s okay for him to be my security blanket, but not so okay for him to keep me around as his while having every intention of replacing me with a newer style.  I could be perfectly happy with my irregular, beat up blankie.  He wants a new one.

So anyway, yesterday i was mad.  Which meant at least I wasn’t blubbering all over the place and was almost functional.  Yey me.  Wasn’t a blubbering idiot that is, until he texted me last night in order to tell me that he missed me.  Is he allowed to do that?  Can he be equally as delusional in that he thinks I’d be okay with hanging around while he looks for a replacement?  Well, as that’s exactly what I’ve done for the past 4 months, I guess so.  I’m not sure why it sent me into such a funk though.  A shitty one that continues on today.  Awesome.

Wanna know what makes all this even better?  And by better, I mean a big ole’ slap in the face?  I had lunch with Finger Foods today.  You remember, my none too common sense gifted friend that stayed with me for a while?  The one who would leave my front door hanging wide open for my dogs to run out?  The one who would invite me to dinner/lunch/breakfast/the movies/whatever at least 5 times a week?  The one that I originally met on Match and we became friends?  The one that I figured would be on there long after I had coupled up?  Yeah, he’s got a girlfriend.  Not that I would ever be interested in him but really?  Can everyone find someone on there except me?

Okay, so back to my neurotic spastic self.  We texted last night and that totally screwed me and my resolve up.  Totally.  I texted him this morning asking him to tell me something nice as I was having a crappy morning (thanks to him).  Yes people, I am THAT lame.  He texted back that I am the nicest most generous person he has ever met.  Uhm, is that anything like telling the husky unattractive girl that she has a good personality?  He apologized for texting last night and acknowledged that he shouldn’t have.  Anyway, as I had the brilliant (and by brilliant, I mean not so brilliant) idea to try to talk him into liking me for the bazillionth time, I asked him to stop by tonight.  YES!  I suck more than I could have ever imagined.  I’m apparently going for some needy moron award of some sort.  Then I changed my mind.  I told him not to come over and proceeded to write a crappy e-mail to him which I never sent.  Then I let my guilty conscience get to me and ……..wait for it ………. called him to apologize!  Fuck me!  Which resulted in a very awkward and stilted phone conversation about absolutely nothing.  Nothing but an invitation to go boating with he and the kids on Sunday.  Oh, and telling me that he LOVES having me in his life.  Yey me!  Maybe me and his new whorish blankie (once he finds one that is pretty enough) can be bestest buddies!

Look, when Finger Foods, who has met TD and thinks he’s an awesome guy, tells me to drop his ass as he’s just using me (he didn’t actually use the term security blanket though), it’s time for me to wake up.  Thing is, I KNOW what is going on.  I KNOW it won’t go anywhere.  I KNOW what I need to do.  NO contact.  NONE.  It’s a matter of actually sticking to it that seems to be presenting a challenge.

Any bets on if I go boating or not? 😦

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9 Responses to “What The F*Ck Am I Doing?”

  1. 1smiles Says:

    Oh Sweetheart.. I have been exactly where you are. I was so pathetic I wanted to fall off a cliff. But I’m afraid of heights so I stay away from the edges of high places. (Always something to mees up a good plan.)

    I think you should make some brilliant plans for Sunday. Plans that don’t include TD. I live in Iowa.. come on over.. we’ll go out.

    I think you’ve got him in a good position. I’m not just saying that. He NEEDS to miss the living hell out of you!So give him lots of space to do that.

    You’ve indeed become each other’s security blankets. You don’t want to be his secutiry blanket.. at least not yet. You want to be the love of his life. He needs to feel insecure for awhile. When he comes pleading back at your feet.. then you can be his security blanket. But not a second before that. Let him watch you moving on with your life without him. (Even if you’re sitting there waiting with baited breath.,. don’t ever let him know that.)

    (You know he’s reading your blog right?) Maybe you should just call me. Seriously.

    Sending you a million hugs and some tissues. But I can only spare 1 box, because you never know when you might need some. Shit happens as they say.)

    ~Jeannie

    • Did you just call me pathetic Jeannie? 😉 I think we’ve all been in this position at one time or another, it’s just taken me 44 years to find myself here. You’re right though, how can he miss me if I’m always there? Thing is, I’m afraid that he’ll forget me 😦

      Thank you for all your wise words and good thoughts (and hugs)

      • 1smiles Says:

        Love is a funny thing… we never forget someone we love. Have you forgotten anyone that you’ve loved? He will always have a piece of his heart that will love you. If he isn’t sure you’re the right one.. then he has some life lessons to learn. And he hasn’t been able to learn them with you there in his life.

        I’m 53 and still finding my way… it takes a great deal of courage. And you have that courage. You’re out there risking, You’re out there giving your heart. We’re bound to find a few bruises along the way. But look at the gifts that loving him has brought to you. Even if it ends right here.. you have received so many blessings from the love you’ve given him and his children. That’s why you’re feeling the empty place that his presence has left behind.

        I’ve learned that every empty place inside of us needs to be filled. I’ve learned to fill those empty places with things that bring me joy. Long walks in the woods, funny movies, bubble baths and candle light, road trips with my music cranked.
        Sending more hugs!
        Jeannie

  2. ifUseekAmy Says:

    Grey, you and really only you know what you have to do. What I think you need to do is cut off all ties. He is using you in the capacity that he wants. That makes me mad, because it happened to me and I want to see it stop happening with you. It took me three months to finally figure out that was what was going on with me and Le Asshat (his new name). Granted its much easier for me since Le Asshat is being an asshat, but it still took me awhile to finally block him on gchat, delete him from my phone, take down pics of us at home, untag myself out of pics with him on FB. Out of sight, out of mind. I think once you start doing this, it does become easier. As days go by without him, it becomes easier to imagine and start living your life happier without him. Will you be friends down the line? Who knows? But in order to get yourself out of this funk, you need to stop having reminders of him in your daily life. And DO NOT spend Sunday with him. He should not have extended the invitation given how things were left off between you. And he’s not allowed to tell you that he misses you and loves having you in his life (on his terms). Not that he should refrain from telling you nice things, but he can’t tell you things of that nature, because it hits home in a way that is too intimate. But only listen to what I have to say knowing full well that I have no clue what the hell I’m talking about 🙂

    Sending good thoughts your way. xoxoxox

    • I know Amy 😦 I know in my head that’s what I need to do. I just can’t seem to get my heart to follow suit. I am going to cut off all ties. Hopefully starting today. I just don’t know how long I’ll be able to do it for. I like seeing his pics on my FB page, btw, he’s a cutie 😉 and they actually don’t make me feel horrible. The worst part is not being able to talk to him …… that’s really what I miss most …….. and his kids …… and knowing that there’s someone out there that cares about me ……. ah fuck it, this sucks all the way around.

      I know you’ve just gone through the same thing and I certainly wish TD would turn into an asshat, but truth of the matter is, he hasn’t and most likely won’t. He will do anything in the world for me. EXCEPT date me. 😦

      I haven’t cried yet today so that’s good, right?

  3. lifeandothermisadventures Says:

    Have you ever read the book “It’s called a breakup cause it’s broken”? Sounds cheesy, and it some ways it is, but that book was my lifeline during a period of my own life.

    And of course, I do agree that you have to stop seeing or talking to him all together. Cold turkey. Let him find out what life is – WITHOUT an amazing woman who’s there to help him whenever he needs it!

    The thing is, we all backtrack. So don’t be angry at yourself. You’ve been going through a massive amount of stress, too – and we’re all only human.

    Oh, the thing about his kids just kills me, too, because you know they want you. But he’s choosing his own stupid boy adventures over creating stability in their lives. It’s sad.

    • Thanks so much. I think this would be easier (maybe?) if I knew where I stood during all of this. I mean, it’s not really a breakup as I never really considered us dating thanks to the lack of romance or security that comes with the knowledge that that’s what we were doing. I’m going to do my best to cut off all ties. No, really this time. I think ………. 😉

      • lifeandothermisadventures Says:

        It’s hard, but you can do it 🙂

      • lifeandothermisadventures Says:

        God knows, I can’t judge you, either – how many times have I been in this situation with The Artist – too many! It’s really hard to stop yourself from wishing that things were different. But it will get better.


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