43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Ugh, I Already Feel Dirty………And Apparently Need To Move March 6, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:21 pm
Tags: , , , ,

To Mississippi, according to the brain trust over at OkStupid.  Yup, that’s right, I actually just put up a new profile.  I took my old one down almost 7 months ago.  And honestly haven’t missed it much.  Eh, what the hell?  I may as well give the losers eligible bachelors in town something pretty to look at. 😉 I have no imminent plans to actually run a search or spend any sort of time looking for some random douchebag to date, but should Mr Wonderful happen upon my profile and message me, then who am I to argue?

I have been reading the blog of a gal that I have been lurking following for quite some time.  Not sure that she remembers me from a different blog that we both used to follow, but she was a champion for this person while I pegged him pretty much right away for the sociopath that he is.  I’m good at weeding through bullshit.  No really, I am.  But apparently only when it doesn’t directly involve my love life (or lack thereof).  I can pull out red flags and read between lines with the best of them.  I don’t take a lot of shit from people.  Apparently that doesn’t hold true to guys that I like though.  And it didn’t for her either.  While her blinders resulted in a much more sinister story than mine, I still wear them.  I almost had myself convinced that sure, once TD dated around and shopped the competition (because *woe is him* he’s never really dated before and isn’t sure who is right for him and he doesn’t want to take the easy way out by ‘settling’ for the 1st person he comes across (uh, that would be me)), that he would discover that who he was looking for was there all along.  And believe me, he will.  Thing is, after all is said and done, how the hell would I ever not feel like the consolation prize.  Like the gal that he could always fall back on once no one else worked out.  How on earth did I think I’d ever actually be able to believe him that I’d be ‘the one’.  I’m not okay with his romanticized notion of dating.  I’d consider myself lucky as anything if I never had to do it.  If I could just fall into relationships.  Dating sucks.  Finding someone who you’re attracted to, compatible with and who you can honestly see a future with is not an easy thing.  I wasn’t the one wearing blinders in this regard.  I could see it all.  He couldn’t.  Yet.  Actually, I’m pretty sure he could, but was too afraid to admit it.  And when he finally does, it will be too late.  I’ll never believe that I was really his choice, but instead his consolation prize.  The honorable mention of dating.  Yey me.  Not so much.  The fact that he realized and admitted that he was being selfish and self serving and stupid doesn’t erase the fact that yes, he really was being all of those things.  I don’t really think that, despite all of his claims that I needed to distance myself from him and that he was no good for me right now and that he wished we’d met later rather than sooner, that he actually realizes what he’s done.  To me, to him, to us and to his kids.  Kinda breaks my heart, but it’s not my doing.  I don’t cry any more.  I still miss him.  I do hope he ends up happy as I truly believe that he deserves it.  I just don’t see it ever being with me.  Whether by his decision or mine ……….. and I’m pissed that it’s because of him I’m back on OkStupid.  Those jackholes.  Who the hell am I supposed to date in Mississippi?  WTF?

K, so back to Jenni (sorry, I hope you don’t mind).  I sort of wish I had warned her about this man’s character.  I’ve read so many posts on her blog from other smart, successful women who fell for that man’s bullshit.  I think it’s because at the core, we see what we want to see and not what is actually there.  I’m not jaded enough to think that there are no good guys out there, but I am realistic enough to know that love clouds our judgement.  It was so easy for me to see what an asshole this man is and how he thought his pretty words could be used to entrance women.  They apparently could.  Jenni never would have believed me if I had tried to explain what I saw in him, and in the end, she had to experience it herself.  In all it’s horrific glory.

At the heart of it all, we’re all just looking for love.  To be loved and to give love.  Do we overlook minor issues?  You bet.  Do we think we can ‘fix’ what might be wrong?  Absolutely.  At some point though, we need to listen to our little inner cynics when they’re raising a racket.  They’re not often wrong.

====

No, the man that Jenni fell in love with is not TD, nor anything like him.  I just apparently felt like jumbling 2 different trains of thought into one 😉 but you’re all used to that by now from me, right?

Huh, it has been brought to my attention that I need to clarify one other fairly important point in order to prevent anyone from throwing themselves out the window and calling me horrible names that they’ll never be able to take back once uttered ……. I am NOT seeing TD again.  You’re welcome 🙂

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8 Responses to “Ugh, I Already Feel Dirty………And Apparently Need To Move”

  1. Emilie Says:

    Aww goose, it breaks my heart to see you like this… however, I do agree that it is best for you to keep your distance from TD so that you can get yourself back up again. And to be honest; if I was you I would take a break from all of this dating and just focus your time and energy on yourself and your dogs… then when you’re ready to jump back in the dating pool, you’ll just know inside yourself that is right!!

    • Hi Em! This little epiphany of mine has actually helped a little. The fact that I can’t delude myself into thinking that all will work out is good for me. I’m a-ok. Promise! 😉

  2. 1smiles Says:

    My inner cynic has been on vacation in the Bahamas all winter.

  3. In regards to the sweet Jenni (I follow her too) and T, he made several comments on my posts that were borderline creepy and a bit too forward for my taste. Especially for someone I never met or talked to before. I could see the venomous word vomit he spewed. Very arrogant and delusional and I stopped following him after a short time. The fact that he’s married makes it all the more worse. I hope his wife find out and leaves him. No one deserves that.

    • Odd to see how many women he’s duped with his ridiculous words…….

      • everevie Says:

        I agree Grey…odd that ANY woman fell for his words. But I guess sometimes we glean only what we want, and ignore the rest.

        As for you my friend, I hope you can regain your amazing sense of self-worth. TD should have known from the first date that he couldn’t find anyone better than you.

        Somebody WILL know that…and it won’t be somebody in MS…(although there are some mighty fine people in MS). Here’s hoping you will find that somebody soon. 🙂

        • Thanks Evie. You’re right, TD should have known ……. but didn’t……and doesn’t………and my bad for being the ridiculously deluded optimist and hanging around. I’ll find my self confidence again. Easier than I’ll find a guy to worship me, that’s for sure 😉


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