*I actually wrote this a couple weeks ago but didn’t publish it as I figure who the hell wants to hear me re-hash my shit yet again. Then I figured, who cares? It’s my blog and my life. Feel free to skip ahead if you’d like’* 😉
Yup, we’re all sick to death of hearing me whine. Believe me, I include myself in that group. Give me a break, I’m 44 years old. I run my own business. I have a nice house. I have great friends. I’m smart and tall and not too horribly offensive to look at. I now weigh what I did back in college and know that although I am the proud owner of some 90 year old man’s knees, that I don’t look my age. And look pretty okay for my age. And I certainly don’t act my age. So my family sorta sucks; we can’t win them all, right? Why the hell would I allow someone/anyone to control my level of self esteem. While I will never be some cocky piece of shit, I know that I’m kind of a good person and a pretty good catch. I’m smart and independent and hello? I know how to cook. Isn’t that supposed to be the way to a man’s heart?
I seem to gravitate to broken people. We all know that. I like to make people feel good about themselves. When i’m not busy being a bitch, I am great at doling out the compliments and building up self esteem. For others. That’s what I’ve pretty much done for the last 7 months with the one that shall remain nameless as I’m sick of typing it. I’ve told him and shown him what a great person he is. Good hearted. Smart. Funny. Driven. And I’ve done a good job. For that, I am not sorry. What I am sorry about is allowing him to think it’s okay to put me on the back burner while he searches elsewhere and tries out his newfound confidence (thanks to me) on the internet dating females in my town. Since when is it okay to tell someone who is so obviously in love with you that you’re just not sure and don’t want to make a mistake; that he may find out in the end that I am the one. That he knows it’s not fair to ask me to wait, but is scared that I will find someone else if I don’t. That’s not how it works. It’s either yes or no. Yes, I want to try giving a relationship with you a shot or No, I don’t see us together. Period. Grey areas suck. Grey areas keep hopes alive that shouldn’t be. Grey areas are selfish and self serving. Now while I am certainly not blameless in all of this and should have seen it all coming (well, I actually did, but chose to ignore it), it wasn’t my job to define what we were. If he’s so logical and engineering minded, he knows that there is no set formula to things like this. It’s head vs heart vs past experience vs expectations. And we all know expectations just set you up for failure.
For someone who claims to be so honest (me), I’ve been lying a lot. To myself and to others. Today, for the 1st day really I woke up pissed as shit at him. He texted me to see how I was feeling and guess what? I ignored it. He doesn’t get to have it both ways. If he can’t see me for what I bring to he and his kids, then best of luck finding my replacement and giving her the chance he never gave me. ‘Maybe’ just isn’t good enough.