*This is from Thursday when shit started to hit the fan. If anyone comes across my self respect, I would appreciate you returning it to me.*
I’m keeping this private as I’ve pretty much been lying to everyone (including myself) about TD. I used to be a strong woman. Not take any shit from anyone. I don’t care how nice a guy was to me, if he was always about himself, then he was out. No looking back. I can’t and don’t do that with TD. And it kinda came to a head today. I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone. I am recognizing the same pattern of lag time in answering texts, disinterest in things, and pretty much just not caring. Plus he hasn’t updated his profile online in 3 days. And I know he was out both Monday night and Tuesday night. Yeah, I know, I suck. We’ve been hanging out again. He called me a crutch last week though. You know, one of those temporary things that you keep around for a while, but then get rid of when you don’t need it anymore. That sucked. Of course I didn’t tell him. Anyway, I’ve had a shit week. And a shit day. I screwed up a luncheon today. I’ve never done that before. I texted to tell TD and he replied about 40 minutes later. I replied back letting him know how upset I was and then nothing. No reply. In my awesome passive aggressive fashion, I sent back, 2 hours later, ‘gee thanks TD, I pretty much drop everything to check in with you and make sure you’re okay when i know you’re upset. thanks so much for the stellar effort’. To which he responds ‘i can’t believe you said that to me, you have NO idea what’s been going on over here’. Of course, now i feel like shit and get worried about what’s going on so i call. Like the loser that I am. Nothing was going on over there. NO clue why he wrote that. Dumbass. He then throws in ‘sorry i didn’t respond as fast as you’d want me to, but I thought you were still there and I didn’t want to bother you’. Uhm, it was 4 pm for shits sake! He then tells me that he’s not sure if he should be mad or sad by what I said. Effectively turning the attention back him and his feelings. guess what? I love him dearly. I really do. He cares about me and I know it. Everything is always on his terms though and according to his agenda and I allow it to happen. I spent the remainder of the conversation apologizing to him. Like and idiot. He brought up how he needs to work on his male friendships. How all his female friendships have gotten him in trouble in the past. Pretty much everything he’s brought up a million times before and things that had nothing to do with the issue at hand.
I know I need to put my foot down. I really do. I just don’t think i can do it. And it makes me sad. Not at the prospect of losing him, mind you, but at the prospect of losing myself. Which I’ve already done. Here’s the thing. I AM his crutch. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He gets to date around and still keep me for backup. Guess what? He’s my crutch too and I’m not sure I can throw him away. I was doing great. I really was. I was playing the game and even buying into all my stories of dating and having a gay old time without him. Today i fell apart and i can’t allow this to keep happening. I just can’t. Today is the day that I needed him to be all about me. To check in on me and make sure I was okay. The fact that he was ‘going to’ just ‘hadn’t yet’ isn’t good enough. I’m always afraid of hurting his feelings or making him angry. That’s bullshit. Today he pissed me off and I have a right to mad.
He says he is starting ’embrace being single’. If by ‘being single’ he means ‘being more selfish than ever’, then I think he’s right. I am absolutely the definition of insanity. 😦
(insanity = doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome)