43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Prequel To The Weekend April 25, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:29 am
Tags: , , , , ,

*This is from Thursday when shit started to hit the fan.  If anyone comes across my self respect, I would appreciate you returning it to me.*

I’m keeping this private as I’ve pretty much been lying to everyone (including myself) about TD.  I used to be a strong woman.  Not take any shit from anyone.  I don’t care how nice a guy was to me, if he was always about himself, then he was out.  No looking back.  I can’t and don’t do that with TD.  And it kinda came to a head today.  I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone.  I am recognizing the same pattern of lag time in answering texts, disinterest in things, and pretty much just not caring.  Plus he hasn’t updated his profile online in 3 days.  And I know he was out both Monday night and Tuesday night.  Yeah, I know, I suck.  We’ve been hanging out again.  He called me a crutch last week though.  You know, one of those temporary things that you keep around for a while, but then get rid of when you don’t need it anymore.  That sucked.  Of course I didn’t tell him.  Anyway, I’ve had a shit week.  And a shit day.  I screwed up a luncheon today.  I’ve never done that before.  I texted to tell TD and he replied about 40 minutes later.  I replied back letting him know how upset I was and then nothing.  No reply.  In my awesome passive aggressive fashion, I sent back, 2 hours later, ‘gee thanks TD, I pretty much drop everything to check in with you and make sure you’re okay when i know you’re upset.  thanks so much for the stellar effort’.  To which he responds ‘i can’t believe you said that to me, you have NO idea what’s been going on over here’.  Of course, now i feel like shit and get worried about what’s going on so i call.  Like the loser that I am.  Nothing was going on over there.  NO clue why he wrote that.  Dumbass.  He then throws in ‘sorry i didn’t respond as fast as you’d want me to, but I thought you were still there and I didn’t want to bother you’.  Uhm, it was 4 pm for shits sake!  He then tells me that he’s not sure if he should be mad or sad by what I said.  Effectively turning the attention back him and his feelings.  guess what?  I love him dearly.  I really do.  He cares about me and I know it.  Everything is always on his terms though and according to his agenda and I allow it to happen.  I spent the remainder of the conversation apologizing to him.  Like and idiot.  He brought up how he needs to work on his male friendships.  How all his female friendships have gotten him in trouble in the past.  Pretty much everything he’s brought up a million times before and things that had nothing to do with the issue at hand.

I know I need to put my foot down.  I really do.  I just don’t think i can do it.  And it makes me sad.  Not at the prospect of losing him, mind you, but at the prospect of losing myself.   Which I’ve already done.  Here’s the thing.  I AM his crutch.  He gets to have his cake and eat it too.  He gets to date around and still keep me for backup.  Guess what?  He’s my crutch too and I’m not sure I can throw him away.  I was doing great.  I really was.  I was playing the game and even buying into all my stories of dating and having a gay old time without him.  Today i fell apart and i can’t allow this to keep happening.  I just can’t.  Today is the day that I needed him to be all about me.  To check in on me and make sure I was okay.  The fact that he was ‘going to’ just ‘hadn’t yet’ isn’t good enough.  I’m always afraid of hurting his feelings or making him angry.  That’s bullshit.  Today he pissed me off and I have a right to mad.

He says he is starting ’embrace being single’.  If by ‘being single’ he means ‘being more selfish than ever’, then I think he’s right.  I am absolutely the definition of insanity. 😦

(insanity = doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome)


16 Responses to “Prequel To The Weekend”

  1. singlewhitefemaledating Says:

    Your pain is palatable… Chin up, be brave!! 😦

  2. Kat Richter Says:

    No no NOOOO! I thought he was done??? I know its easier said than done (speaking from experience here… it took me way too f*cking long to get my act together over Date #7) but you deserve soooo much better!

    • Kat, I actually thought about you when I was writing this and knew how disappointed you’d be in me (I kind of envisioned you actually yelling at the computer) …… I do deserve better, I’m just not sure what the hell my problem is….. and he was done……..for about 3 weeks 😦

  3. ifUseekAmy Says:

    Oh lordy. I know I’ve said it before and I will continually say it until you follow through…you need to cut him off. Cut him loose. Yes, I know he’s your crutch too…but you are more than capable of standing and living without him. If he were to suddenly be yanked from your arm, you’d wobble for a moment, then stand up straight and just keep on moving. You are making him a crutch that you don’t need.

    You realizing that his selfishness is too much should be the push you need. In a moment of turning this on to me [see what I’m doing here?]…but still relates to your situation because it was similar when we were in that weird ‘friend’ mode…St Elmo used to always pride himself on being considerate and sensitive and so emotionally in-tune with feelings. BUT only when it applied to him. He was VERY in-tune with HIS feelings and how things affected HIM, regardless of how I felt. One day, after too much of this, I called him out on it. It gave him pause…for a hot second…then he was right back to thinking of himself. He couldn’t push aside how he was feeling in any given moment to consider how I felt. If he felt some kind of heightened emotion, it was all he could focus on. I know it’s not an easy to put aside how you are feeling in a given moment, especially when tempers are flaring or feelings are hurt. I can be downright selfish in this regard, too. The difference being that I am not patting myself on the back for being so sensitive toward others. But empathy towards someone else, especially someone you are supposed to care about so much, is crucial. When you feel that empathy has gone away, it’s really time for that person to go away in your life.

    It’s friggin hard to cut someone you care about out of your life, but in this case, when it’s a former SO, then you must. It’s still too recent and fresh for you to be ‘friends’ and not have overwhelming feelings of some sort. Cut him loose, or rather cut yourself loose. It’ll be the only way you’re gonna get over him.

    You know you’ve got support all around you. You can lean on us when you need it. Use us as your crutch. Just like we use you as ours. Sending you tons of hugs from NY. If you still have that open spot on your cruise come August, let’s talk, I may be in the mood or need for a quick getaway 😉 xoxoxoxoxo

    • Thank you Amy. I know you’re right. I’ve always known. I also know the longer I wait to do it, the harder it will be. I should have cut him off back in November and never looked backed instead of getting more invested and convincing myself that he would choose me in the end. I can’t stand how I am these days and am not real fond of who he is these days either. He’s changed and the fixer in me wants to find out why. In the end though, it doesn’t matter why. It does matter how it is affecting me and I’m reverting back to some behaviours that I haven’t seen in myself in a long time and wished were gone for good.

  4. I read this post when I first woke up this morning via email and it made me sad. As a disclaimer let me say that I did not read the other posts since this is a prequel — and please, for the moment, lets also push aside that I realize, after reading this, (even though I am sure I knew it before) that I’m using a man as a crutch too — you deserve so much more than this. Yes, dating after 40 sucks and there are losers a plenty around, but YOU are so much better than what TD deserves — he does not deserve to have you as a crutch, he doesn’t deserve you caring about him — he’s a selfish ass and he just doesn’t deserve you. Please try and cut him out of your life entirely — you don’t need the heartache, headache and the psuedo-relationship that isn’t even comforting to you. It will hurt because you care about him so much — and it will no doubt hurt for a long while but you can do this, you need to do this. For you. Seriously.

    I hope this week is better for you!

  5. everevie Says:

    To utilize your crutch analogy: If a person is crippled…they cannot let go of their crutches. Healing needs to take place first.

    I don’t think you should move too quickly into letting go of your crutch…but you should begin the emotional equivalent of “phyiscal therapy” (whatever that means for you-dating, therapy, pursuing new hobbies, going on vacay, etc).

    When you are stronger…you can put the crutch down for a few steps. And when you are MUCH stronger…you can put the crutch down for good.

    I am afraid that if you drop the crutch too soon…that your healing will not be complete…and you will either need that same crutch again, or a newer shinier crutch.

    And you’ll be back to square-one. 😦

    • ifUseekAmy Says:

      Evie, in this case, I have to respectfully disagree with you. I don’t believe for one moment that Grey will fall down if TD/crutch is taken away from her. And especially in the case of ‘unrequited’ love…keeping him around and talking and hanging out is just going to keep him top of mind. If they are still in contact, then it’s always going to be a “when will I hear from him next?” “when will I see him next?” “what’s he doing now?” “who’s he with now?”. If there’s no longer the possibility of contact, then it’s easier to remove at least the first couple of those questions. Less to obsess about. Having a no-contact rule is really one of the best ways to get over someone. Especially someone whom you are still in love with.

      I’m actually thinking TD is more a thorn in Grey’s side these days. Something that gives you nothing but aggravation and pain. At one point, he was a great friend, but he’s transitioned from that role and being a selfish ass.

    • Evie, I think the longer I put off doing it, the harder it will be. I’m not sure if it would be easier if his kids weren’t involved, but the fact of the matter is that they are and I love them. It’s not fair to them to keep disappearing and coming back. I used to be an all or nothing person. If I can’t have it all : TD, the kids, the fairy tale, then I need to have nothing (aside from vodka) 😉

      • everevie Says:

        Whatever you wanna do Grey…I’m all for it. It’s your life…and no amount of advice from other people will make you do something you don’t want to do.

        As for Vodka…it’ll never let you down. 😉

  6. “He cares about me and I know it.” After I read that I knew it was time for some tough love from your blog family. You have to stop lying to yourself about TD. All his actions clearly state he doesn’t care about you. “He’s my crutch” “I was playing the game and even buying into all my stories of dating and having a gay old time without him.” Again, more bullshitting yourself. PLEASE STOP! TD is running some WEAK game on you. He likes to play little mind games with you because he knows it will get a reaction from you. No man is going to respect a woman he can run weak game on. Unfortunately, that’s the situation you are in right now. I don’t even have to tell you to charge him to the game because you already know that. You’ve said it yourself. I just hope that you do it sooner rather than later. Good luck and go for a man that is going to bring you up, not down.

  7. Janet in Philly Says:

    Awww GG, Don’t go there again. Instead check out “Feistywoman.net”. Her latest blog post is called 99 Remedies for the Relationship Impaired. Sure to be 5 or 6 or 20 good points that apply here.
    You’re still letting him play you, and it’s a waste of your time. Stop that, before we all have to come out there with the can ‘o’ whupass!

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