43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

To Send Or Not To Send…….That Is The Question April 28, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 11:02 am

Ahh, the age old question of how much information is too much information.  Or better yet, how many times can I rehash old garbage?  Actually this isn’t rehashing as much as it is an illustration of how TD has been leading me on for a really long time.  At heart, I kind of don’t think he fully realizes it.  Or maybe he does and I’m just giving him waaaay too much credit.  Anyway, as I threatened promised to post it, here it is.  I would appreciate input on whether or not I should send it to him or not.  No, it won’t make things better or make some magic light-bulb go off in his head, but I do think he needs to realize what exactly he’s done to me.  As he truly thinks I’m just on a two week break (what is it with engineers that they think all of life’s problems can be solved in a 14 day time period?), I never really laid it all out there for him.  While I tried, repeatedly to make it clear that I meant forever, he wouldn’t listen to that part (while, of course, he was telling me how I’m the best friend he’s ever had…..awesome).

You mentioned that you thought ‘this’ wouldn’t bother me so much if I had some other things not going wrong around me these days.  At the heart of the matter though, it’s the exact opposite.  All of the other things would be inconsequential if ‘this’ were going right.  I’m hoping that this might give you the tiniest amount of insight as to why I am perpetually confused:

You tell me that you don’t have feelings for me then you tell me that you do then you tell me that you’re not sure if they’re the ‘right’ feelings.

You tell me you can’t fall into a relationship with the 1st person you met after your break up yet you’ve met many others since then that you’ve considered and rejected.

You tell me repeatedly that you have doubts yet won’t discuss them with me to see if they’re even valid.

You refuse to tell me that it will never be me.

That ‘maybe’ in the end, you’ll find out it was me all along.

You tell me that you can’t be physical with someone you’re not serious about but what about all those nights in front of your fireplace? (and for the record, blog-world, we have only actually slept together a few times times ~ all the rest has just been varying degrees of fooling around)

I do have feelings for you.  That is without question.  Yes, I have doubts too, but I’ve never thought that they were scary enough to not even try to figure them out.

Getting into a relationship is scary.  There are no guarantees in life.  I don’t give my heart away very often and I certainly don’t want to get hurt again, but if I give up trying, then I’ll never find what I’m looking for.  I think you’re worth taking that risk for, but you don’t feel the same about me so while you will probably always have a piece of my heart, I have no intention of waiting around for you to make up your mind.  None of this is fair to me.  You don’t get to have it both ways.  You waffle back and forth and continue to lead me on.  I wish that all I wanted from you right now was friendship, but it isn’t and it’s not fair of you to ask me to stick around and watch all of this going on knowing how much it hurts me.  I can’t be your fallback plan or be there to fill the void that dating leaves you with.

As one of my friends so eloquently put it in a comment on my blog, “The only REAL issue is that you have the “What If?” syndrome….in it’s simplest form, you’re afraid of: “What if you pick the wrong girl. Again.”…and no matter how frickin awesome I may be…and how obviously RIGHT I am…you’re terrified…because you’ve made bad choices and/or been fooled before.  It’s really that simple.  And it’s really that sad.  And there really is nothing more I can do. You have to figure this out yourself…without me as your favorite tall, blonde security blanket.

While I wish things were different, they just aren’t and I deserve better.


10 Responses to “To Send Or Not To Send…….That Is The Question”

  1. ifUseekAmy Says:

    I think that you letting it out here is enough…for now. And by that I mean, let the time go by and do not initiate any contact. If in (that magical – major eye roll here) two weeks, TD reaches out to you, you can then consider sending it, IF you still really feel like you need to. But I think you need to also let him know that this letter is the last communication (for as long as you need) because the situation is not different. Unless the dynamic between you both can change in such a way as to not bring you pain/anguish, then you need distance and silence and no friendship. xoxo

  2. everevie Says:

    Wow…that bloggy friend who wrote that comment is reeeeally smart. I bet she has a very, very successful love-relationship!! Lol.

    I am on the fence (big help, I know)…but I’m leaning slightly more towards the idea of holding on to the email until the two-week period is up…and then send that bitch.

    But…I highly encourage you to at least wait as long as possible. It’ll make him BELIEVE that you mean what you say…and your decision to walk away is REAL. And it’ll make YOU believe that you are strong enough to endure this.

    Because you are.

  3. I agree with both other commenters. Hold into it for a while. As hard as that might be. Distance makes a man’s heart grow fonder. He needs time away from you without ANY contact. IF he comes back then let him know how you feel. For now, let him miss you. He’ll end up analyzing your letter instead of analyzing his feelings so I would suggest not sending it.

  4. I think the letter is great, says everything you should say, everything he needs to know. . . but I wouldn’t send it to him. You need to be done with him, period. Let’s assume he reads it, and actually “gets” it, and contacts you immediately and says he was a fool and you’re the one, do you want that? Maybe in your fantasy, when you’re feeling especially lonely, but on a good day, in a good moment you know you deserve better than that. You know that he should have had the balls to recognize you’re the one on his own without prodding. But he didn’t, and chances are he won’t, not even after reading your letter because as you said previously he always manages to turn the attention back on himself. It’s always about him and what he’s going through or struggling with. He will most assuredly miss the whole point of this letter. Save yourself some grief because you know that if you send it you will on some level be waiting for some type of response and he is not capable of giving you the response you need. He should be left to wonder, after 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 3 months, a year, why you haven’t contacted him, why you don’t answer when he calls, why you don’t respond to his texts. He should be left to wonder and then, maybe, the letter would actually do him some good. However, by then you will have met a man who adores you and is grateful every moment that you are in his life and TD will be on his own wondering WTF happened. Remember, you are awesome and you deserve to be treated accordingly. And also remember this is just my opinion, and you can send it if you want and I (someone who is insignificant in the scheme of your life) will think no less of you for doing so.

  5. Colleen Says:

    I am not sure you wrote anything that you haven’t previously written or said to him. I would not send.

  6. Lisa Says:

    you could do what Princess Kate did and went about the business of being fabulous without Prince William when he “wasn’t ready” and he came crawling back. Just work on being okay whether TD comes crawling back or not. Make him work for your attention by being unavailable or else he won’t appreciate it if he does have it later. Men want what they can’t have which is totally fkd-up and immature, but most don’t mature until in their 50’s. But like the previous poster said, whether you send or not, we support you. I think we have all “been there done that.” I know I got the t-shirt more than once! One of my favorite quotes is, “the best revenge is living well.”

  7. silly_G Says:

    Agree, Agree, Agree. hold onto it. Your a rocket, you gotta find a man that doesn’t do all the bullshit…. wait is that possible?

  8. lafinwitu65 Says:

    I wouldnt reccomend sending it. He knows he is being wishy washy. The bottom line is that you have made yourself too available to him and he wont learn any lesson until he loses you or at least feels a genuine fear that he may lose you. Save any correspondance with him for your exciting dates and men you have been hanging out with After your “2 weeks”If at all.

    We all want what we cant have and by sending that or responding to any of his texts or emails will further reinforce the fact that he has a fallback plan. The best thing to do is to look really HOT next time he accidentally bumps into you and let him feel the loss or the risk of loss. I have been on both sides of this type of relationship and the best thing right now is space for both of you, and to give him the gift of missing you……

    Thats my 2 cents, Good luck however you decide.

  9. maggieat40 Says:

    Ok – fair warning. I don’t think you are going to like what I have to say. Don’t send that letter! Listen, you wrote the letter. That’s great. It’s a starting point to rifle through your pain, but ultimately, it’s more for you than him. The thing of it is – despite all the analysis and your back and forth and his wavering and one day he wants you and the next he doesn’t – the guy is a douche. You will never get the answers you seek. You will never be told what he is truly thinking. The thing is – and any guy will tell you this – if you were the one for him, he would be all over it. He would be knocking down your door and doing whatever it takes to win you over. Instead he’s playing with you. He’s toying with you like a cat plays with a mouse. And you are letting him. He’s not worth it and he’s certainly not deserving of you. You have to force yourself to make the clean break. He won’t do it. Why should he, when he can have you on his own terms…all he has to do is dangle a little love and possibility and you come drifting back and give him what he wants. When he finds something else, he bumps you out again. Is that honestly someone you would want to spend your life with? He’s not confused. He’s not stupid. He knows how he feels. He’s just playing you, unfairly. You have to move on and you won’t do that by sending him this letter and trying to keep the door open a crack. Trust me, I also learned the hard way on this one. Once upon a time, I wrote a letter like this – although it was 8 pages long. I didn’t send it and I’m glad I didn’t. You have to love yourself enough to know that despite the pain and heartache of it all, hanging onto him in this manner will never do you any good. You have to love yourself enough to walk away. Each day will get easier and the sooner you do this, the sooner you open the door to having someone else in your life that is willing and ready to adore you and give you the love you deserve. It’s not this guy.

  10. I can’t sit here and sugar coat things. Do not send the letter and don’t hold on to it. All this letter shows is how needy you are. This is just a last second desperation plea to try to get him. You don’t have to write a man a letter to convince him to be with you. TD just doesn’t want to be with you. Nothing is going to change his mind. All you can do is move on with your life.

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