Ahh, the age old question of how much information is too much information. Or better yet, how many times can I rehash old garbage? Actually this isn’t rehashing as much as it is an illustration of how TD has been leading me on for a really long time. At heart, I kind of don’t think he fully realizes it. Or maybe he does and I’m just giving him waaaay too much credit. Anyway, as I
threatened promised to post it, here it is. I would appreciate input on whether or not I should send it to him or not. No, it won’t make things better or make some magic light-bulb go off in his head, but I do think he needs to realize what exactly he’s done to me. As he truly thinks I’m just on a two week break (what is it with engineers that they think all of life’s problems can be solved in a 14 day time period?), I never really laid it all out there for him. While I tried, repeatedly to make it clear that I meant forever, he wouldn’t listen to that part (while, of course, he was telling me how I’m the best friend he’s ever had…..awesome).
You mentioned that you thought ‘this’ wouldn’t bother me so much if I had some other things not going wrong around me these days. At the heart of the matter though, it’s the exact opposite. All of the other things would be inconsequential if ‘this’ were going right. I’m hoping that this might give you the tiniest amount of insight as to why I am perpetually confused:
You tell me that you don’t have feelings for me then you tell me that you do then you tell me that you’re not sure if they’re the ‘right’ feelings.
You tell me you can’t fall into a relationship with the 1st person you met after your break up yet you’ve met many others since then that you’ve considered and rejected.
You tell me repeatedly that you have doubts yet won’t discuss them with me to see if they’re even valid.
You refuse to tell me that it will never be me.
That ‘maybe’ in the end, you’ll find out it was me all along.
You tell me that you can’t be physical with someone you’re not serious about but what about all those nights in front of your fireplace? (and for the record, blog-world, we have only actually slept together a few times times ~ all the rest has just been varying degrees of fooling around)
I do have feelings for you. That is without question. Yes, I have doubts too, but I’ve never thought that they were scary enough to not even try to figure them out.
Getting into a relationship is scary. There are no guarantees in life. I don’t give my heart away very often and I certainly don’t want to get hurt again, but if I give up trying, then I’ll never find what I’m looking for. I think you’re worth taking that risk for, but you don’t feel the same about me so while you will probably always have a piece of my heart, I have no intention of waiting around for you to make up your mind. None of this is fair to me. You don’t get to have it both ways. You waffle back and forth and continue to lead me on. I wish that all I wanted from you right now was friendship, but it isn’t and it’s not fair of you to ask me to stick around and watch all of this going on knowing how much it hurts me. I can’t be your fallback plan or be there to fill the void that dating leaves you with.
As one of my friends so eloquently put it
in a comment on my blog, “The only REAL issue is that you have the “What If?” syndrome….in it’s simplest form, you’re afraid of: “What if you pick the wrong girl. Again.”…and no matter how frickin awesome I may be…and how obviously RIGHT I am…you’re terrified…because you’ve made bad choices and/or been fooled before. It’s really that simple. And it’s really that sad. And there really is nothing more I can do. You have to figure this out yourself…without me as your favorite tall, blonde security blanket.
While I wish things were different, they just aren’t and I deserve better.