Oh wait………many of you already have. The majority of you, I’m sure, with the best intentions at heart. I wouldn’t fault anyone for being sick of reading my wishy washy back and forth nonsense. Sometimes you’ve just got to be blunt with me so that there’s no way that I can ‘tweek’ what you’re telling me into what I want to hear. It’s good for me, really. And just what I needed today. Today has been a bad day. A day that I thank g-d that I don’t still have TD’s number in my phone (not to say that I don’t have it written on a flip-o-dex card in my office at home ….. right behind Webster’s, but whatever). So sucky. I’ve had about 52 things happen today that I want to tell him about. TD that is, certainly not Webster. It’s a shame that TD, in addition to my ridiculous attraction to him, has also been my best friend for the past 7 months and I his. It really is too bad that I fell for him as he was a terrific friend. I can’t separate the two though, so it is what it is. Anyway, I wanted to call or text several times today but didn’t. I do know his e mail address by heart though as it is, after all, his name @ whatever.com, but I’ve been good and not done that either.
Today is the day I was supposed to go boating with he and his kids after school. 😦 And I sooooooooo want to go. *sigh*
Okay listen, I needed to hear all the responses to my needy as hell ‘should I send yet another letter pointing out how awesome I am for you’ kinda letter. Some were harsher than others, but all were about the same thing. IF he liked me that way, he would be chasing me. IF I were the one he wanted, I would be. IF I had any self respect, I wouldn’t be chasing him or trying to talk him into liking me. I know. I KNOW! I also know that if he came to me tomorrow and said I was the one, that I would never believe him and would forever feel like his consolation prize. There’s no way around that. Too much has been said. Really; WAY too much. It makes me sad that I’ve sunk so low as to try to talk someone into liking me. Repeatedly. Awesome. I have no idea why I do such lame and embarrassing things. Truth be told, he’s probably relieved that I walked away and told him not to contact me. I really did think I’d be able to just do the friends thing, but we’ve been through too much and crossed too many lines. While he is absolutely to blame for much of this, I am equally to blame for not being honest with myself about what I truly wanted and what I was able to handle.
Now, in addition to misplacing my MoJo, if someone could help me find my self respect again, that would be very much appreciated. And that, my friends, brings to a close this edition of Introspective Monday. 😉